Hurting So Bad, Friend/GF is so not who i thought she was!!!!...

[NyGentleman]

This girl that i have been crushing on for 2yrs + broke my heart! We went through so much, found each other after our own relationships fell apart, progressed as much as we could and than finally we made it official...

 

4 days in and she gives me the i have to be honest with you i feel like i rushed into this, i have been nervous and didnt know how to break it to you, i think i need time to be by myself, im not mentally ready to be serious with anyone...

 

WoW!! Im so hurt, and to add insult to injury she led me to believe the entire 4 months leading up to the 4 days that we could make this work, she loved me so she said all the time and wanted to marry me blah blah blah....what happened here i don't get it...

 

Did i mention the ex wrote her some emails recently that he wanted to talk to her, get some things out...did i also mention she became depressed after her breakup with him, with friends and school etc....is she that dumb to ruin a great thing to get sucked back in by the ex and his emails? He played her royally and i never let her down ....now she is doing what he did to her to me...what do I do? Wait it out? Never look back? NC for sometime?

 

DId i also mention she wants nothing to change, go back to friends with benefits basically but without the title to see what happens from here...wow again am i missing something or is this really F-D up....

 

I just cant get this empty feeling to go away...im utterly shocked at this and dont know how to handle it....

[JimmerJammer]

She gave you the answer. Don't let it bug you.

 

She also said she was nervous about how you'd react and was maybe pushing you away recently to make it easier. Somewhere along the line she got it in her head that she had a view about who you were and that you'd react a certain way. If that way includes you being emotional over it or unable to handle it, then this merely proves it.

 

Its hard to imagine not having someone you care deeply about being around you, but we always need to remain detached from our S.O. as to be attached could mean being guarded, closed and cautious with our words. Of course we need to be considerate, but by cautious I mean so caught up in not losing them that we refrain from doing and saying certain things.

 

You really want to hear what this is about because I can get a feeling for it already. She says she's not sure she's ready to be serious with anyone yet when she is fine with being friends with benefits. What that tells me is that although she feels she's not ready for a relationship, that there's something else underneath. I may be wrong, but my guess is there's a fear that she may get used by you like her ex did to her or that she'll end up hurting you in the end by not being strong enough.

 

What it sounds like is that its easier to not have a definition of what you two are. When there's no boundaries, there's no expectations, there's no list of shoulds and shouldn'ts, no let downs and everything is very cut and dry. You get what you get and you're not attached so think about what that means to her. A typical relationship means to maintain a certain level of communication, to understand one another on an interpersonal level and to be intimate in a way that leaves the other open to rejection and a potentially deep level of hurt.

 

So while it may look like a betrayal or misunderstanding, its also a good opportunity to let go man. We only have so much time together in this world and we don't have time to mope around and lose ourselves. When she says she's not ready for being serious with anyone, she might also be asking herself if you'll turn out to be the same. If you ask your male friends or guys in general who have been with another person for a while, you'll typically see a pattern. The pattern being initial attraction --> caution/comfort --> security --> banal/routine/leveling out --> submissive/accomodating/deflating of self --> loss of interest/neutrality/infertility

 

Eventually it becomes a state of mind where infidelity seems appealing or a plausible option as you just don't "feel it" for them like you used to. That is why relationships can be a "trap" and feel like its almost worth it to find someone where their is to definition of a relationship there. Being friends with benefits ensures that you have someone you know won't be sleeping around with a lot of people and yet you get the emotional connection of a relationship without the commitment/association/obligation that often comes with it. So that my friend starts to make sense and really makes the thought of getting all the benefits of a relationship without the negative aspects of one so appealing.

 

Suddenly being intimate with multiple partners without being committed to all of them seems like less of a pain in the neck and easier to deal with than the conflicts that typically rise in a relationship as well as the lingering question of "will they be here with me as time passes?". Sure we say we'll be together in 5 years, but what will happen in the time inbetween? Will we stay true to each other? Will he lose sense of himself, his direction and purpose and in 5 years on a friday night we'll be plopped on the couch where I suggest we go somewhere and all he can say is "what do YOU wanna do honey?" Will I be tempted by someone I feel more close to what I want despite having felt close to this man?

 

And I'm betting I've overloaded a lot and probably made it out to be more than it is, but regardless this stuff applies and can only help you even more.

 

What I would suggest is that you respect her decision man, I know its hard to accept the fact that she is saying all of this and that your reaction pretty much confirms any difficulty she has had getting this out. The fact that she wants you close to her in that way IS a good sign only that her view around relationships is what is getting in the way and possibly what she is fearing. If you can hold true to the following aspect you set yourself up for a healthier stance than letting it control your state of being. Understand that nothing you can do will keep her with you, but that what you can do is do things to push her away. Don't be tempted to present that option to her even when it seems the option you present her does just that. In other words its only when you lose sight of yourself or when you only consider yourself do you push her away.

 

Above all, remember that you recognize the great part about having someone to hold close and to have next to you as you go through life, but really WE are all we have in the end. Despite how fantastic this girl is, how much you want her to stay, how much you want her close and how hard it is to let go of her, that one day you'll have no choice BUT to. I know it doesn't make sense to treat this like that day, but the more you dread it, the more you DON'T want it, the harder you'll take it when that day does come. She'll respect you more for being able to love her like that, to appreciate her for the time you two have together and to be so close to her and yet recognize that you cannot fully be attached and feel empty when she's gone. For to do so would mean that you couldn't function without them. And after everything is said and done, our ability to function is what is most vital to our life.

 

I hope this helps and hasn't cause more confusion and angst in this tough time for you. Best of luck and I wish you the best.

[NyGentleman]

Thanks for your kind words, they really were helpful!

 

As an update we talked and we talked some more and what i realized is that she has just turned off like a light bulb with me, now not even thinking being intimate without the relationship is a thing anymore, which makes me feel even worse...it was the intial attraction, the wow factor of how we clicked, how we jumped into something and now the reaction afterwards, well she doesnt know if it was lust she doesnt know if she really loved me, she admitted to holding back for the sake of fear from the past of getting hurt or being the one who hurt me, she wanted to do the right thing....

 

She made it very clear that the future will hold all the answers that she needed time to find herself again (if anyone is counting this would be the 2nd time)...but this is what happens and than she comes and finds me and round and round we go...do i just let it end for good here? How do i act when i see her? Its very hard for me and yet for her right now its not a thing anymore like it once was, how can females be so cold? If i did this to her it would be the end of the world, why doesnt she see it like that with me....

 

Im slowly coming to terms with all this and realizing that she has some soul searching to do, she also has alot of committment issues which stem back to her childhood i am sure and her not having parents to mold her ....

 

Why is it so hard for me to let go? Yes she was beautiful and the girl made me laugh but she also broke my heart twice now, ....I need enotalone support now more than ever!!

[NyGentleman]

Small update:

 

Talked to her friend, not close friend but close enough, she thinks she used me as rebound for her ex without realizing it, and now that she realizes it might have turned her off from all the great things we experienced, whateverr that means...

 

As well as hearing that i actually saw the girl in the parking lot and guess what not even a budge to look at me or say anything, wow so cold....

 

Its so F-D up to think after everything she said to me through the months we had together means nothing now....

 

Did I mention im getting emails asking why I never said hello to her that day? Does this make sense to anyone? You dont want to be with me, walk away from pretty much everything we had but you get annoyed when i see you and dont say hello? and make it a point to write me and tell me this in an email....