Erased Caller ID

[interesting]

Say she decides to go up with just her girlfriends, would you consider this bad?

 

I would be fine with it but wanted your read.

[Gus Almighty]

Gus,

 

I would have been at a mountain over two hours from where she was going to be. She has the house with all her girlfriends - they rented it for the winter. Some of these are the same friends that have been very supportive towards me.

 

New Thoughts?

 

I want you to disregard my original post because I feel it looks similar to how my problem began. So I think its best to not read into mine for fear it will cause paranoia in your head.

 

Go be with your girl.

[Locke2121]

Say she decides to go up with just her girlfriends, would you consider this bad?

 

But she didn't say she wanted to be with her friends, she wants to go WITH YOU! Now stop analyizing it and just do it!

 

Sometimes you just have to stop thinking and just start living.

[interesting]

she said maybe with me.

 

if she did go up without me I would not think that was bad, would you?

[Locke2121]

Ok, yes I would think its a LITTLE bad. I can assume that the two of you don't live together? Well from the very beginning your main problem is you don't see enough of each other, which led to bad communications. You saw this, started fixing it and she has responded. She likes this new attention from you!

 

In a healthy relationship, people can go for days without seeing each other because they are secure in each other's love and attention for the other. But your relationship isn't fully healthy right now, though I get the sense that its becoming so.

 

Here's the way I see it. Either up on the mountain, or hanging with you in town, she wants to be with you. She sees that your trying to be there for her, and she wants to be there with you. She doesn't want to lose that new-found attention. Letting her go by herself is simply another step back towards that old rut of not seeing enough of each other.

 

I don't care where it is, up on a mountain, in a townhouse or in a ring full of Jello at a carnival, the two of you need this and many other weekends together till the relationship is back on track.

[interesting]

Well it would be her choice to go up there without me. I want to go and she knows this, so if she goes and does not want me to come then the ball is in her court.

 

She just called me and she is still not sure what her plan is? Annoying but whatever. I have done it to her a million times in the past not that it makes it right.

[Meow18]

Let her know that you would love to go with her. Don't pull any "I will go if you want me to." Say "I would love to go with you. We would have a wonderful time. Let me know what you decide."

 

And then leave it at that. Stop making assumptions. Stop jumping to conclusions. Maybe she will decide she wants to go with her friends. But you can worry about that if it happens.

 

Until you find out her plans, try not to think about it. There's no point in worrying over a problem that doesn't even exist.

[interesting]

Is there anything to even worry about if she does go up there to be with her friends without me.

 

I tend to think not, but what is your read.

 

I did not go up there once last year and have not been up there this year.

 

Like I said, she always wanted me to go but I never made it up there.

[Meow18]

Is there anything to even worry about if she does go up there to be with her friends without me.

 

I tend to think not, but what is your read.

 

I did not go up there once last year and have not been up there this year.

 

Like I said, she always wanted me to go but I never made it up there.

 

Why do you need to know if it's worth worrying about? Do you really need us to tell you what to feel?

 

Honestly, if she decides not to go with you, but go with others, I would think that could be a bad thing. Right now you are both working out issues and this could be a great thing for both of you.

 

But then, maybe she finds out her friends really want to go. Maybe she wants to just spend time with friends. There are many sides to it.. it's all about how you want to look at it.

 

The point is, you don't even know what she has decided, or why she decides what she decides. Don't worry about it until you have a reason to. And maybe there won't be a reason to worry at all, no matter what ends up happening.

[interesting]

Well we hung out for the weekend and it was nice. Did not go skiing though. On another topic the sex has slowed way down! She says that she wants to re-build the relationship before that goes back to how it was. This is the hardest part. When I sleep over she cuddles and kisses but no sex.

 

Odd????

[Locke2121]

No, cautious. Like she says, she wants to re-build the relationship, not just jump right back into the old one. Give her time.

[interesting]

Thanks Locke!

 

Does anyone have any idea up to how long this whole process can wait. She says things are getting better but is still not sure about things. It is not fair for me to set a timeline I don't think, but it is getting hard. Almost two months of this so far.

 

Thoughts.

[Locke2121]

???

 

Ok, this isn't a Tinker Toy set. This is actually rebuilding the life that the two of you had. It can take months or years.....but thats not the point. The most important thing is to keep the attention and communication going. Don't let it be all about her. I'm sure there were problems for you in the relationship, and now is the chance to fix them.

 

 

Look, listen to her, take her words to heart and whatever you do, try not to go to bed without trying to resolve the issues that are bothering you and her. Take your time, this can't be rushed.

[Meow18]

I couldn't have said it any better than Locke.

 

How's your communication so far?

 

Honestly, I have to say it still needs tons of work. You need to be talking to her about these things instead of assuming the way she is feeling. You know her way better than we ever will. It's ok to ask us for advice, that's why we are here! But it's also important to talk to her about certain things that are bothering you. What we can do for you is come up with ways to bring these issues up, but only you and her can resolve them through talking.

 

So, maybe for this one, let her know that you had a wonderful weekend and that you feel the relationship is really progessing although it still could use some work. Ask her how she feels. Talk to her about what she thinks still needs to be worked on.

 

Of course, don't bring up sex. You already know you will get it when she feels the relationship is in a good place. So, just ask about that good place.

[interesting]

I think our communication is good. I guess I am just looking for everyones thoughts.

 

She told me she had a great weekend. She says that even though things are good she is not ready to fully jump back in because she never wants to feel the type of neglect she felt she had before.

 

What caused this was that she felt like she was with someone (me) who did not want to be with her. She says it is just going to take time for her to see that this is no longer the case.

 

She also said that there are times will she will want some space because she just needs to absorb everything.

 

I claimed that I need to see that things are getting better on her end. She claims that she has shown me the best way possible. She says that when all this first occurred we were only seeing eachother once a week and now we are staying with eachother weekends again and seeing eachother once or twice during the work week.

 

She claims that this should be more then enough proof that she feels things are getting better, she just is not ready to tell me that everything is perfect again because she is not sure the change will last.

 

She has guranteed me that there is no one else, nor does she want there to be anyone else and if for some reason there ever was that I would be the first to know. She claims that I am over analyzing things and am being somewhat insecure, which I probably am being.

 

Does that help Meow.

 

Thanks so much for everyones advice and I look forward to more thoughts on the issue!

[Locke2121]

Its working....what you are doing is working. Your talking, showing each other the attention that every relationship needs. Just don't fall back into that same old rut of work work work.

 

I've got the feeling that you can save this relationship man. I also feel that she wants to be with you for the long haul.....just don't give up!

[interesting]

Thanks Locke!

 

It is just hard to be with someone who used to want you around all the time and invite you everywhere she was going.

 

Now she makes plans and doesn't always ask me to be a part of them. I realize that she is using these plans for space and to hang with friends. She also claims that we need some time apart and can't always be together especially with how things are.

 

It was nice this weekend though because we hung out with her friends who I think she has been trying to keep me away from.

 

I guess I just need to take everything in a positive manner for now and eventually she will want to include me in most things again.

 

Just tough!

[Locke2121]

Everyone needs their own private time and private set of friends, its healthy.

[Meow18]

Now she makes plans and doesn't always ask me to be a part of them. I realize that she is using these plans for space and to hang with friends. She also claims that we need some time apart and can't always be together especially with how things are.

 

This is normal in a healthy relationship. It's good to make time for your own friends and do your own thing. Of course, it's also normal to want to be with the other person every minute, but it's so important to not get caught up in that.

 

She used to always invite you and include you in her plans because she didn't used to get to see you very often. She wanted to do anything with you and just hoped that you would accept one of her invites.

 

Now it's different because she's getting the attention she wants and needs. And she's just balancing that with other things.

[interesting]

Thanks everyone!

 

Any other pieces of info I have left out that could help everyone give some more good advice?

[Meow18]

I don't there's any advice left to give.

 

You and your girlfriend are on the right track. Just keep this up and don't ever take her for granted again.

[interesting]

Thanks for all the replies and I will keep everyone posted.

 

If anyone has any furthur advice/thoughts I am all ears.