Want to Disappear

[SpiralLove]

thanks

 

I am fine now. Thank you all those who listened.e

[melrich]

I have done all this and I havent seem to find the missing piece to this hole in me.

 

At 17 no one would expect you to be at peace with your place in the world or to know all the answers you need to know about yourself.

 

You know this your time of discovery and it's your time of feeling unsure about all the conflicting thoughts in your head and it's your time of questioning why things are so.

 

As confusing as right now may be, try and accept it for what it is, a stage in life, not a way of life.

[confusedguy11]

Hi.. You are only 17 but I will address you as a mature adult since your post seemed to show you are fairly intelligent and mature.

 

The reason you think about suicide is because you want attention.. Plain and simple. You seem like an intelligent girl with a lot going for you.. You could probably have any guy you wanted.. Now lets talk about the reason for your need for attention.. I need some more info from you.. You have friends?? What are your hobbies.. Be upfront and you will get upfront answers..

[Daddy Bear]

I'm not going to hazard a guess as to the reasons behind these feelings. All I know for sure is that you're bursting with rarely-seen potential, and it would be a tragedy for a person like you to disappear. Now that you're becoming an adult it's time for you to get into therapy and get at the root of this puzzling issue. Good luck, my friend.

[Dako]

SL,

 

I don't think you crave attention.

You seem very driven. Do you feel stressed or do you have time to enjoy the simple things? Sometimes working so hard can be exhausting without a break.

 

Do you have anyone you can discuss these urges with?

[SpiralLove]

At 17 no one would expect you to be at peace with your place in the world or to know all the answers you need to know about yourself.

 

You know this your time of discovery and it's your time of feeling unsure about all the conflicting thoughts in your head and it's your time of questioning why things are so.

 

I do question my place on earth a lot.. But often this lead to the thought of "If I leave, no one will miss me". I think about how life would be without me, and for me it seems my place on earth is not important at all. I feel like any other black and white individual, and when I imagine a world without me... things seem a lot brighter for them and me. But I don't know who them is, but I know it be a lot easier just to disappear. The thing is, its easier to disappear but its also easy here too.

 

And I don't think I crave this attention. This attention is the last thing I want from anyone, anyone from my family or friends to think i am having such suicidal thoughts. Yes, I do have friends. But I cannot talk to them about my urges to die because I am afraid of their reactions and the attention I will get from them.

 

Some of my hobbies is I am a coder online. I run website and work with google adsense, yahoo publisher, etc. I run several successful website and made a bit of money from it. I love publishing websites and creating program. Also, I enjoy the extra cash on the side. I think last year I made around enough to buy a new car for myself. Money is not a problem for me, and I am a teenager able to drive a brand new car that I earn myself.

 

^^ Perfect life I would say. I am ashamed that I want to die.

 

-----

But I do have a few rough pasts in the back.

 

A few months back, a friend of mine suicide and hung himself at school. He was not exactly my best buddy, but he came over my house and we hang out a couple of time. I couldn't attend his funeral because I had to get out, and took a week trip up North (I live in LA) and spent a week there away.

 

Also that summer I broke up with my girlfriend. She was eatting me alive inside. But---

 

at this point things changed for the better. I begin to get good grades without trying much and lived a more functional life without the girlfriend and I sholved my friend's death in the back of my head. I tried to be happy and on a good road to recovery after all this but it seems that I guess now reexamining its still affecting me. It makes me sad to know that I have seen all the damage done by my friend's suicide, but I still want to go away.

 

But I think there is more to why I want to go away forever than these two events. I have thoughts before these things happened. It just got a bit more bad, but I have always contemplated death for quite a long time now.

 

I know that you guys reading my post, and I can smile knowing you care to what I have to say.. And some of you are as confuse as I am on why i want to kill myself. The urge is there, and I don't know how to take care of it.

[Dako]

I don't often think people need a counselor, but in your case, I really think talking to a therapist would help you.

As you can see, some of us are puzzled by your situation.

Do you have an aversion to seeking professional help?

[melrich]

But often this lead to the thought of "If I leave, no one will miss me".

 

The really cold hard facts of life are that when you go, life does go on. In thehistory of mankind we are all but tiny tiny little blips on the radar. That can be a depressing thought. Like looking at a clear nights sky and realising that we are small on this earth but less than a speck of dust in the whole scheme of things.

 

These things put us in our place somewhat. But you and I both know that the impact of the death of a loved one, of family, is devastatingly painful for those left behind. In your immediate sphere of influence that leaves an unfillable space.

 

I have seen parents burst into spontaneous tears, breakdown, 20 years after the sudden passing of a son or daughter. They just never, ever forget it. They never ever get over it.

 

So put some perspective around the other perspective. Does that make sense? I think you would get that.

[jessicake]

Dear Spiral Love,

 

In all honesty, I feel that I can relate to how you are feeling.

 

I finished high school at almost the top 5% of my state, and is considered attractive and also do some volunteer work. There is no reason for me to feel suicidal but I do. If you want, read my thread about suicide in the forum...

 

I know that it may not help much, but please know that you are not alone!

 

feel free to pm me...

[Spugly Fuglet]

"I have stood up and walk out into the living room and get pills to overdose. But, I stop myself everytime and I lay there in misery.

 

I think I have everything anyone on the earth can possibly hope for, but I don't seem to apprechiate because I keep wanting to die. Why is that, can someone give me some answer. I am miserable and broken down person inside from this."

 

 

Kiddo Im haveing a bad one it came up fast and I can feel this ones going to be bad, I know and I really mean I know just how you feel, but im older im 41 and i have had this all my life, me i have tricks and defances i put to giver over the years that can slow it down, can eas the blows, stop that freefall, each of us who has thows dark feelings picks them up, ask any one here we all do, cryings and good start, im doing it now it helps, then doing stuff, hard stuff that keeps ya mind on some thing other than the darkness, me a do 3 things at the same time, Music, ready, and computer art, small joys they help, small things that you like, line them up, me its cartoons from the 1940s on youtube at the moment, New scentices, or a good book, some thing I know I will like to read, mates go see some one you have not talked to in ages, walks, films, or just making tea and see rain, small joys. Righting this I feel better it makes me feel better, I know that I will think of a poem soon and that also helps, just putting the darkness down on the page helps, Thughts have forem and from this meaning. Im going to bed now, I will read a paper on star formation and then sleep. tomorrow who knows what I will use but I know this I must and will alwasy fight the dark for no there restion than its some thing to do.

 

all I can give you is this help, tricks, smoke and mirrows to fight that which would end all poems, a darkness for ever with out life.

[Bethany]

You know, it's hard work being everything to everyone. In fact it's almost impossible because it causes extreme stress and a strain on our emotions. And at 17, I admire you for taking on so much but consider being everything to you for a while. You need you much more than you know.

Give yourself a little respite.

[SpiralLove]

Thanks for your response guys.

 

I have been keeping this little side of me deep in clandestine for the last year or two. I haven't really talk to anyone about it, I guess this is how these things build up. It took me awhile to even make these post.

 

Oh, how many time have I posted on this board and clicked the exit before submitting the post. I am glad I didn't this time cause of the great response I got from you. Sometimes for me these things are hard for me to express, even on a board of strangers.

 

I hope to get some help soon. It take me a little time to build up courage and I will try my best to tell some close friend of mine in the next coming months. I just need to find my right time to tell someone close to me... and hopefully can get them to help me find a doctor. I am trying to find a 'fool-proof' recovery road, but I guess only time will tell.

 

Thanks guys again for responding to my post.

[jessicake]

Your post definitely sound like a good start to your fool proof road to recovery. I wish you the best.