My Ex Answered My Personal Ad! Help!

[Dateagain]

I had a personal ad on a dating site, with no pitcure, and my ex of six years answered it. Oh My God. I have been mostly NC (aside from him coming to get my kid, whom he has helped raise) and seeing each other at neighborhood gatherings. I think I want to get back together. I know he does. The good things: He is part of my life, he is trustworthy and loyal, we have a great time traveling and doing stuff together, he loves my kid, he loves me, and we are all part of the same small, tight-knit community.

 

It is all such a mess right now. He broke up with me, left me a note actually. This has happened about four times. He just FREAKS OUT and starts with this long list of all the ways I've wronged him. He never mentions these things in real time. And some of the things are just nutty - he complained to friends that he brought fish to my house for dinner and I didn't give him a big enough piece! This was apparently years ago! When we are together, we almost never argue. Then, its like his brain chemicals get all weird and he flips out. He always rewrites the story to say I broke up with him. We did counseling just once and it was terrible,he just had a nonstop stream of blame. My counselor didn't call him on it, and I was very hurt. After a while (months), he kind of comes back to himself and acts normal. He wants to go to counseling now, with a different counselor. Maybe there is a way through this? I have been dating other guys, and having some fun, but no one feels right to me. He feels like my mate. I'm kind of scared to go to counseling. I have had SIX MONTHS OF HELL over this. But then again, I think if he died tomorrow and things were still this way, that we never got closure or got to the bottom of things, I would feel terrible.

 

I never answered the personal ad, and I didn't tell our mutual friends, because I thought it would embarrass him.

 

What do you guys think?

[TWIS7ER]

Sounds to me like you both are wanting to go on with your lives and find other mates, being that you all are already placing personal ads. I in noway could even think about putting an ad on a site as much as I love my ex.

[lizziebee]

If you like Pina Coladas........sorry I could not resist....Maybe he thought he could find you again....you never know.

[kate111]

Woah weird.

 

It soounds like he has some serious isues though. Maybe he has some kind of personality disorder.

 

Can you tell him to get help, gently, before you go out together? Or work these problems together BEFORE you become involved again.

[caro33]

This sounds like one of those messy "cycle" relationships that keep repeating themselves over and over. So while you can remember the good times and keep trying, you'll keep having the bad times and the odd "what the..." moments where you just can't work him out.

 

I know it sounds easier than it is, but if you are going to try again with him you really need to:

 

(a) know it's going to get messy again and anticipate that, or

(b) find some way to identify his issues and resolve them.

 

Expecting him to be different this time when there's been no reason to expect different behaviour would be magical thinking.

 

I'm not sure it's worth you trying again with a new counsellor, because it could just be more emotional investment (and financial?) and there's no way of knowing if he'll be more committed to it really. If you can separate yourself from him it's worth you keeping separate if you can.

 

But I can see a whole "true love and soulmate" perspective here also. The romantic sense of giving him another chance. I've done it, many people on ENA do it (often to their detriment). Thing is, while it feels real, and your brain chemicals tell you it's real, if this guy is fundamentally flawed then no amount of romanticism is going to paper over the problems.

 

What about him commiting to seeing a counsellor on his own? The way you tell it, the problem seems more with him than with you as a couple. If he's not prepared to do the work on his own issues by himself that might tell you something.

[Dateagain]

On the one hand I think: Why am I going into counseling with him? On the other, I think: People get past WAY more horrible stuff than this, and their love seems to grow deeper. He won't go to counseling on his own, which I know, sucks. He';s just one of those men who won't go to the doctor even. On the one hand, why is this my responsibility. On the other, if he had some physical problem and I got him to go to the doctor and he got well, it would be a loving act. How do I know if I'm just going down a rathole versus working through issues?

[caro33]

He won't go to counseling on his own, which I know, sucks.

 

I think this shows that he doesn't see the counselling as something he needs, it's all your issue. He's saying what he needs right now to get you back, and then he's perhaps not likely to be any different with the counsellor.

 

If I was going to take this guy back I would insist he develop insight into his own issues and manage those issues before I took him back. If he wants you so badly and is truly willing and capable of doing whatever it takes, he'll do this. If he ISN'T, then why are you going to take all this on? You surely deserve better.

[kate111]

I agree with Caro 100%.

[Dateagain]

I keep trying to quit him, but he''s stuck in my heart - flaws and all. I know his communication issues are very, very old from childhood when he had a speech impediment. Since then he has never felt "heard."

 

Don't people who stay together for a long time work out these hard things? If I stay away, am I running from a growth opportunity for us both? By the way, I am 44, he is 59. He has never been married. I have been married twice.

[HarleyHunny]

If you like Pina Coladas........

That was my first thought when I read the title.

[caro33]

I keep trying to quit him, but he''s stuck in my heart - flaws and all. I know his communication issues are very, very old from childhood when he had a speech impediment. Since then he has never felt "heard."

 

Don't people who stay together for a long time work out these hard things? If I stay away, am I running from a growth opportunity for us both? By the way, I am 44, he is 59. He has never been married. I have been married twice.

 

Hmm. I think that the fact he's 59 and never been married is a far greater sign that he's not going to change and he's perhaps not cut out for long term relationships. Unless he's been in defacto situations of course.

 

If he's carried this baggage around for 50 years or more I don't like your chances of changing him.

 

Seriously, you CAN quit him. It won't be easy but it's possible. I've done it, others here have done it. I think you have done it yourself given you've been married twice.

 

Do you want to be going through this again in a year? How about in five years? How will your kids feel? I think that is more the reality than some romantic ideal of working together to change him. If he won't try and change for you by himself then he is not committed to change. He just wants you to accept him I think. It's up to you if that's good enough.

 

I know it's hard, really. But please recognise that giving this a go right now on his terms probably involves far more of a leap of faith and magical thinking than the alternative, and the pain will not be avoided but slightly deferred (and then repeated).

[Dateagain]

Caro, He has been in long term relationships - he was with his previous girlfriend for, like seven years, and with me for six. We have broken up several times and I have dated others, but he hasn't.

 

He hasn't really dated around EVER. He has a lot of close friends, but hasn't had a girlfriend. We were friends for seven years before we fell in love. During that time I never saw him date anyone.

 

I DID move on from my marriages, and I wanted to. But there's a hold here that's pretty deep, deep enough for me to even be considering dealing with our * * * *. He helped me through some serious health problems, the death of my dad and then my mom, tmy daughter's hospitilization when she was a toddler, the deaths of some of our close friends. This is going to sound weird, but if I ever got cancer and lost a breast, I know he would still love me and still be with me, you know? Like he knows the real me, inside.

 

If he could just quit stuffing his * * * * and letting it blow in these episodes.... or maybe there is some way I react that I could change to defuse it? That's why I thought counseling might be an option, to see if we can break this pattern.

[caro33]

Hmm again! Well only you know how much you want this to work. I tend to think that sometimes if we absolutely cannot countenance moving on, then one last ditch chance to fix things can make us feel...I don't know...validated? If you feel like you have more to give and you'll kick yourself if you don't then why not give it a chance.

 

However, if you do that, I would recommend that you set out beforehand a list of rules for yourself, for when you should know to bail. Make it tough for yourself to just keep hanging in there if things haven't changed.

 

I guess I keep repeating myself, but I still think if he won't do it on his own then you have an issue. Maybe you could discuss this with him first? It's just that he really needs to be committed to change if this is worth it for you.