I'll do anything to win her back =(

[ten]

Hi everyone. I'm new on the forums. I honestly wish I didn't have to come seeking advice to win my gf back, I wish i never let it slip so far.

 

I know this is a bit long, but please help mend this broken heart.

 

I have been having a LDR with my gf for 7 months and I honestly have never felt happier in my life. She helped me get through the recent death of my father.

 

Today... only a few days after valentines and a week before my birthday... she called me saying that she wants to break up. She said she doesn't know if she loves as much as she did before. Her main reason was that she wanted to find her self in the world. I feel hurt by that because she gave me the 'it's not you, it's me.' 4. She has major trust issues due to past guys. she has come to trust me very well though.

 

(For Vday, I sent her a poster of me as a joke for being sorry I couldn't fly halfway around the nation to see her, I'm a college student. I sent flowers and bears to her work on Tuesday and Wednesday. Cost me 160 bucks. wrote her two love poems (i don't read books, or write. I'm practically illiterate but i did it out of love) I sent her a picture frame of us in it, which she has not picked up from the mailbox, so when she does I hope she changes her mind. And of course I called and texted her all day)

We're college students and I see her during summer and winter break. I planned a spring break getaway but I guess we won't be going. We've always been happy together and that's no exaggeration.

 

A little background info, the few things wrong with the relationship i can think of. 1.because we're different races I've had a hard time introducing her to my family, her family has been wonderful to me though. she claims this is not an issue. 2. also we are complete opposites. she said it was exciting at first but now we clash. i told her I'm still excited about us. 3. her biggest thing is being independent, and i've come to respect that. she works pretty much all week and she is really really stressed out.

 

However, in the past two weeks I have been letting emotions for the loss of my dad over come me and as a result I have been pissy on the phone with her. We talked about it, and I promised not to be so aggrivating on the phone anymore. That was less than a week ago. Then yesterday morning I woke her up for work (i only slept 4 hours so i could wake her up) and then when she was waiting for the bus I got out of bed to check the schedule online, I checked the wrong schedule and she missed the bus. She was really upset, but then she was cool about it and trying to cheer me up because I felt bad for making her late to work. Then at night for the first time I didn't talk to her, I fell asleep and she didn't call me. (She always calls, and is the one who always does the calling). Today she she calls and says she wants to break up. She sounded much too casual about it which kills me. She mentioned, someone not physically being present for her, she gets sad when she's lonely, 'i need to find myself'. She kept saying that I'm the most amazing person she's ever met or will ever meet. She kept talking about how wonderful I am, interesting, hot, sexy. She said she still cared for me like a friend, that hurt me the most. I feel so confused. After a while all i could do was pretend we were still together, I talked to her for an hour about the usual stuff I would talk to her about, trying to laugh a few times, holding the tears in.I kept calling her sweety as I always do, and we laughed about being ex bf and ex gf. But really all I'm feeling is pain.

 

I've been reading online... about 'It's not you, it's me.' I've known that phrase has exited for a long time. It's a way to break up with someone with the idea that you're letting them down softly, so you don't have to feel bad. But no one is so blind that they can't see right through that. Some of the meanings where, I don't love you anymore but let's be friends. I don't love you, but I'll keep you as a friend so as not to hurt you even more.... I can't even talk about it. anyhow..

 

I promise that I have never mis treated her, emotionally abused her, never done anything that would lead a person to break up with another. I have two post it notes on my computer screen that say, make her smile, and smile for her. That's all I want for her.

 

The past two weeks feel like an argument that can be resolved but she wants to break up. She also said she wants to be friends, which hurts me because I've given her everything and shared everything, trusted her completely. I told her however because she's made me happy in the time we were together that I would be there for her, to help her find herself.

 

At first she was very clear about the break up, but 3 hours later she at one time hinted just maybe we would get back together after time. My feelings for her are deep, I can't give up. At the same time I want to give her space.

 

Edit* I'm holding off on doing the following, after everything i've read on the forums - For now I've written an apology letter and while have it delivered with flowers by a local flower shop. I mentioned nothing of getting back together, so as not to push her.

 

Also, in the mean time I will of course be a friend to her, we agreed we would still talk regularly, just not every night. I told her to call me tonight if she wanted to talk about anything at all. It's 4am. She didn't call so I texted her good night and she did the same. However, I don't want her to get the idea that I am happy just being friends. That makes me feel like some sort of puppy to be played with whenever she feels like.

 

How should i go about acting so that she takes me back? Right now I'm a wreck. Feeling devastated, crying about my dad, about life and the cards it has dealt me. I've been following my emotions so far, being truthful to her. Basically begging her it isn't so.

I don't think I could go through the NC game. love is not a game to me, I'm also scarred if I don't contact her she will think I'm over her. But at the same time she doesn't want to lose my friendship so that gives me an upper hand if i did NC.

 

I'll take any advice I can... I've read just about every break up thread. my heart hurts, physically and emotionally. This is a cry for help. =(

 

also this is our first argument... if we can't get over this.. then all hope is lost.

[GQstatus]

Damn bro. First of all, so sorry to hear about your dad. A good friend of mine just lost her father recently too, at a very young age. Death is never an easy thing to deal with, and I wish you nothing but the best.

 

I can only imagine how much pain you feel right now. I too just got out of a relationship that has been long distance the past couple months, it sucks big time bro. But believe me when I tell you everyday that passes, you WILL get a little bit of yourself back, keep that stamped in your head.

 

Long distant relationships take extreme commitment on both sides. And even then, it's hard to maintain. Because the daily phone calls, chats, pictures, hearing their voice..doesn't compare to feeling them next to you. And sometimes people can't get over that. I can tell how much you love this girl by your post, and there's no doubt in my mind she loves you too.

 

She sounds like she's feeling a little overwhelmed right now, and even though you may seem like it's your fault, trust that it's not. I'm guessing you're both younger, and that in itself makes it that much harder to maintain a long distance relationship. If she feels like she's "missing out" on something, let her explore. Agree with her, as hard as it is, she'll respect you a million times more for it.

 

The more you call her, send her flowers, letters etc..the more you will push her away for good. If you need someone to talk to, come here, talk to friends, don't rely on her to be your support system right now.

 

I'm telling you first hand from experience, if you give her space, allow her to do as she pleases, your chances of her coming back are SOOOO much greater. Let HER call YOU. If you don't feel comfortable with doing NC right now, that's fine. But don't be the initiator of contact.

 

Be a little aloof right now. Take some time for YOURSELF, you need that more than anything. Keep yourself busy, keep on posting here. As hard as it is right now, keep your head up bro. You're not alone.

[ten]

thanks for taking the time to read my long post man, i really appreciate.

 

it made me feel much better and gave me a better sense of direction.

 

i can't read my own post cause it hurts too much but i read yours over and over again and you're right on the money.

 

she is feeling overwhelmed. she is uncertain with her art major, she's working at horribly horribly low pay 5 days a week to pay for tuition and rent. she refuses help from me, she's only stubborn when it comes to her independence. she feels she has something to prove.

 

recently she's been complaining to me that she doesn't feel like a normal 20 year old. she goes to parties but she doesn't drink so she doesn't feel she fits in. she is always in a constant state of stress, even last semester.

 

like you said. I'm gonna give her time and space. only talk to her when she calls.

 

... i have no desire to eat this chi fi la burger.. loss of appetite, i guess that's one of things right? I'm gonna force myself anyway. It just makes me wonder if she is in as much pain as she says she is.

 

after my dad died, I closed myself from all of my friends except for 2 friends and her. today i went back on my old screen name, and i even ran into an old friend today. so like you said, I'm going to keep busy, and take some time of for myself.

 

i feel like the old saying applies here.

 

if you love something, let it go.

if it comes back to you, it's yours

if it doesn't, it never was

[ten]

she just texted me 'how are you doing?' on aim from her phone

i couldn't bare it. i blocked her...

gonna go to the gym, i hope i did the right thing

 

.... and she's calling.... and i'm standing my ground

she hurt me. she wanted space. she should let me have my space too.

[ten]

it's 4am.. she didn't call tonight.

i've been thinking about her way too much.

good night/good morning to all on the boards

[elizn]

it shows how much you're hurting. and i'm really sorry. you seem to be a wonderful person and truly don't deserve this. but hang in there. we jus have to hope that something good comes out of this. and if its not mean t to be its for the best.ut i would say wait a little jus give her space maybe after sometime she'll realise taht she isnt treating you right.. bottom line just hang in there..and know that you're not alone

[ten]

well no call today either

i feel bad b/c she stresses when she doesn't talk to me.

 

on feb 13 l didnt pick up her call b/c she upset me the night before. she ended up leaving a long voice mail where she just cried and said sorry and that all she wants to do is for me to talk to her. she then sent an email saying the same stuff and she also said she loves me so much and understands if i don't feel the same way at the moment.

 

feb 14 - l get the longest, most personal email where she professed her love to me.

 

feb 18 - breaks up-with me, no fights between 14-18

 

so you can see why i am feeling totally confused

 

she's into facebook and took me off relationship status, the 100+ pics of me are still in her album. she removed our pics from myspace

 

yes i am thinking of her too much but only when i'm in my room. i've kept busy all day

[GQstatus]

Good job bro. Keep on being busy, it will help you out immensely!

 

You're dead on when you say she wanted space, she needs to give you space. She asked for it, so let her have it. You're both hurting, and with some time apart it will put things into clear perspective on both ends.

 

As far as her taking your pictures down and so forth, don't look into that. She's trying to get a rise out of you more than likely. Don't mention it to her at all.

 

Talk with your 2 friends you have besides her. Catching up with old friends always makes you feel better. You're doing good my friend, hang in there!

[ten]

thanks man, yea i guess I'm just being stupid about the facebook and myspace actions. she knows i rarely visit her myspace, facebook occasionally though.

 

I was doing great, talking to my friends, being extra friendly with people... but then all of the sudden I don't want to talk to anyone. Haven't logged in my screen name for the past 24 hours, haven't picked up my best friends calls.. making them worry.. yesterday when I was eating at the cafeteria I almost threw up my food in front of everyone. i quote my friend who isn't the "emotional" type, when he said 3 weeks ago that he's never met someone who has so much 'humility and humblness'... I hate to talk about myself.. but I feel that I shouldn't have these things happen to me.

especially as a Buddhist, this whole karma thing is not returning the favor...

and to make matters even worse my mom is having more mental break downs... feeling lonely.. i can't go home till Friday so in the mean time i feel like the weight of the world is crushing me..

 

I've been second guessing myself today...

and the idea that we may not get back together..

should i send her the sorry letter and flowers since we have just broken up. or does this still as being clingy even though it just happened

 

her very good friend/roommate emailed me back after i asked her to take care of my gf while we're broken up.

still no concrete answers.. still hurt and confused

"She really does feel that this is for the best, she always has good intentions, I hope you know that, as hard as it may be to understand. I am glad to hear that you will always be there for her." ...... "do not hesitate to call her, she still would like to hear from you. But if it is too hard right now to talk to her, I totally understand." .... "I hope that you can still confide in her, though. Don't let all of this get you down, everything happens for a

reason. Things will work out for the best."

 

It makes me wonder if some of it is my gf speaking...

 

well classes pretty much all day today! maybe I can get my mind of things.

ciao, i apologize for the long post upon long posts.. i hope it helps people feel like they are not alone in feelings this pain. and maybe in the future it can give insight.

[insofar]

Yes, some of it is probably her speaking. But don't listen to the "do not hesitate to call her" and "I hope you can still confide in her" stuff if it'll cause you pain (and I'm betting it will). A lot of people can't seem to grasp how hard it is when you still love someone who no longer loves you.

 

As hard as it is, you have to accept that a lot of what she's saying here is likely to save your feelings. Whatever happens though, you'll be alright. Keep posting about what you're thinking, we're here to help.

[ten]

my birthday is coming up this Sunday. and I'm sure she will call... should i pick up? She said she was going to send me a gift when she called to break up.. i told her not to but she kept insisting she would. we like to keep gifts personal, for her bday i made her a scrap book of our summer together.. so i really don't know what she's gonna give me. I can see her struggling to figure out something that's not personal. feels like my heart is being thrown around without any vessel to protect it... if i do pick up, how am i suppose to act? any advice is appreciated, thank you.

[insofar]

You're "supposed" to act aloof, like you're having a great time without her. That said, I think you'll find that's very hard to do, especially so soon afterward. I personally ended up saying that she should stop contacting me entirely unless she wanted to get back together; the pain was just too much to bear whenever she'd contact me about how great her life was without me. That might take a while for you, but it sounds like it might be where you need to be headed.

 

Remember, you'll be OK. As cliche as the expression is, there are plenty of fish in the sea; while it might seem everyone's paired up, there are a lot of single women out there and one of them is a great fit for you. You probably won't want to date for a while, but remember that your future is brighter than it probably seems to you right now.

[GQstatus]

Hey Ten-

If you think you can handle the phone call without breaking down, or talking about your relationship, I don't see any harm in it. Afterall it is your birthday, celebrate!

 

If you do answer, be up, don't let her know you're miserable. Keep the convo short, no more than 10 minutes. Thank her for the call, and end it with "Don't be a stranger" or "Nice hearing from you, give me a call sometime". Put the ball in her court. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP! It's going to be hard, but it's for the better.

 

What you're feeling right now, is normal. Dealing with breakups is hard enough, having that stacked on top of your fathers passing, has to be unbearable. Keep on trucking brother, you know life can't get any worse right now, it can only get better. Your mother needs you, and you need your mother. Concentrate on the things in YOUR life right now. School, friends, family etc.

 

Stay strong my man!

[ten]

thanks man, i feel mentally stronger. without all the support from you guys I would still be in a state of utter confusion.

 

Keeping her out of my mind today went pretty well, except for lunch. I ended up throwing up and I'm not even sick. Has this happened to anyone?

 

But other than that incident, I'm amazed at how much I've accomplished by trying to keep my self busy - physically, academically and career wise

 

You're "supposed" to act aloof, like you're having a great time without her. That said, I think you'll find that's very hard to do, especially so soon afterward. I personally ended up saying that she should stop contacting me entirely unless she wanted to get back together

 

Well I'm just scarred if she thinks I'm ok then she'll move on... and never consider that she hurt me. Also, did telling your ex - either get back together or NC, get you guys back together?

[GQstatus]

She won't move on until she's ready to move on. Just like you. And if she does move on, it will be a rebound. And as much as it SUCKS to know your ex is with someone else quickly after your break up, sometimes that's what it takes for them to realize "The grass isn't always greener". So don't worry about that.

 

The stronger you make yourself, the better off you'll be. That way, if you don't get back together you're already moving towards your "new" life. And if she does come back, you're now in the situation to handle things better, on YOUR terms.

 

"Either get back together or NC"...I think it's better to just do NC and not tell them anything, personally. I tried that whole NC letter "Either you want me, or nothing" the first time my ex and I broke up, it only caused more confusion on both ends. I wasn't even ready to send the letter, did it out of sheer desperation. She took it as I didn't care about her needs what so ever. So it pretty much backfired.

 

For now, your best bet is to just stay in NC. If she contacts you, if you're strong enough to keep yourself together, call her back, email whatever. Just don't talk about your relationship. And if it's a phone call, keep it SHORT.

[insofar]

Well I'm just scarred if she thinks I'm ok then she'll move on... and never consider that she hurt me. Also, did telling your ex - either get back together or NC, get you guys back together?

No. I know that's not what you wanted to hear. But by the point that I told her that, it really was a case that I personally needed it whether we got back together or not, and I am better off for it. She has stayed true to her side of it and hasn't contacted me for about three months; I don't expect to hear from her again for quite some time if at all. That said, I'm doing a lot better now than when I was talking to her. I've been talking to other girls recently (see my recent post in this forum) and I've realized that we weren't as compatible as I might have liked to believe, and that I'll be able to meet the right woman and have something even better than what we had before.

 

You don't have to do this now, and it may not even be what's right for you guys. I know I wouldn't have been able to do this near the start of our breakup; it took me about a month to realize it was needed and to gather the courage to do so.

 

If you haven't already, making it clear what you're actually thinking might be a good idea as well, but do this only once; anything more than that will be interpreted as a guilt trip to get her back, and that will only push her away further. You can certainly tell her when she asks though. To be honest, the whole "I'm doing great!" thing was never for me, it seemed to be a mind-game and I try to avoid those.

[ten]

thanks guys, I will stick with the original plan, i don't think i am ready to ask her to decide.

 

being a LDR i fear that anything she can get her hands on will be better than what we had... since she will enjoy a physical connection even if it is a rebound. But at the same time I still trust her and believe that she took time off for herself, not to find another guy so I'm not going to worry about stuff like that.

 

I'm going to be honest with her. I can't do the "I'm doing great" thing either.

and yes I am still at the stage where I still think this love was meant to be and that she is the love of my life.

 

Because of you guys I feel that I can handle a call from her when it comes... however I will lose all hope if she doesn't call on my birthday.

Forever grateful, g night all.

[ten]

i've been thinking about it.. and even though i could handle a phone call from her on my birthday this sunday, i think i'm actually going to ignore her call. is this wise? if she send a present should i even write/call her to say thank you. I've been handling NC pretty well IMO.

 

i still feel bad about the whole NC thing because I told her I would support her while she is "finding herself"

[GQstatus]

Hey Ten-

 

Sounds like you're doing good, keep at it. It's up to you if you want to receive the phone call or not. If she sends you something, I think the mature thing to do considering you still love this girl, would be to call and thank her for the gift.

 

If you didn't, I think she would take it as you really didn't care. And being your hope is to get back together, that would makes thinks more complicated.

 

Don't feel bad about NC. You're hurting because of her decisions, not the other way around, remember that. If what she wants is to "find herself" she can't rely on you to be the support when YOU weren't included in that process.

 

When she calls, talk to her, wish her well, ask her how her day was etc. But you can't give her the bf qualities when she dumped you. Don't get her the best of both worlds, when you're not getting what you want.

[ten]

well she called... and i didn't pick up. and now I'm second guessing if i did the right thing..

i could hear a tremble in her voice and she kept saying happy birthday because she didn't know what to say

her voice mail was basically

 

"happy birthday

hope you're having a good day, doing well,

i haven't heard from you, but that's understandable i hope you're ok, i just want to talk to you whenever you want to call me

i guess that's all i can say and hope you're doing very very well

happy birthday again"

 

argh and on facebook she posted

"happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday to you!"

 

 

as if nothing had happened

I'm so tempted to delete it

 

makes me mad. "hope you're doing very very well" ??? whatever! i spent my birthday weekend sick to my stomach, couldn't eat a damn thing at all the fancy restaurants i was taken to.

 

while checking my voice mail i listened to one of them where she cried and said sorry and she wanted a fresh start and was sorry for arguing about small things that don't matter, this was about 7 days befores he broke up with me... so this was probably the warning sign i failed to see. i thought vday made up for it.. guess not. listening to it made me feel so weak....

 

so i took down the postcards she sent me

threw the bear she built me in the closet

i went out and bought new jeans because my favorite pair were the ones we bought together.

and check out my new avatar! it's just me

 

still in pain... still thinking about her a lot

at the same time i'm trying to move on.. it's like two steps forward one step back

 

should i just text her real quick "thanks for the bday wishes"

i keep thinking about what a nice person she is

[Jvc21]

hey man, i just read this post. I'm just like in your ballpark man. i can't believe i found someone with the exact same issues as me. This thread has helped a lot, and I'm wondering if people in this section will be able to help me get through my LDR break-up issues.

 

 

-Jvc21