How should I approach trying to become friends again after a year of no contact?

[ladyblue07]

Okay, this is not really about "getting back together" in a romantic way...but I assume that most of you who reunited started off with frendly contact at first, so maybe you can help me?

The trouble all started when he dumped me for another girl early last year.

I was hurt by the rejection, but I truly did want our friendship to continue (not as a way of getting him back - just as a regular friendship), so we tried to stay in touch immediately afterwards.

Not surprisingly, with my feelings being so raw so early after the rejection, I said some things that made things awkward between us and he decided to cut off contact.

The thing is, I really, really miss his friendship. I'm not even thinking about the romantic aspect anymore - I don't even know if there would any romantic spark left after a year apart. I just wish I could have my pal back.

So do you have any advice about how I should approach the subject in a letter/email to him?

 

I know some people will proabbly say I shouldn't even try again...but we were friends first before the romantic stuff made things weird, so I'd like to at least try to see if something can be salvaged. Thanks for any guidance.

[isisastaria]

Ouch...another girl...

 

Well, I would say that you could start out with a little communication and see how he responds. Then build up from there. Couldn't hurt just to ask him how he's been. I think that would be pretty self explanatory..

[isidore]

After a year it might be pretty hard to reestablish much of anything. But if you really want to try, no one should fault you. It's just that not having spoken with him in all this time are you sure he'd be at all open to a renewed friendship? What makes you think so? Since he was the one that severed the relationship why not let him contact you?

By the way, welcome to ENA. Haven't got to do that yet!

[ladyblue07]

Thanks for the advice (and welcome), both of you.

 

Yeah, a year is a long time. I am definitely afraid that he'll just ignore me or tell me he wants nothing more to do with me ever again...and I guess that does make me a little hesitant to say anything to him, because in a way the "maybe someday" ambiguity I have now is easier than if I found out for sure there was no more hope.

But I guess the reason I feel like now is the time to try is because I've had a chance to heal from the rejection and I know I can handle being a true friend (as in, I think I could handle hearing about the other girl without being hurt as I was back when we tried to be friends right away). Plus he is going to be in my town soon for an event he goes to every year, so he's been on my mind more than usual (however, the event is specialized enough that I can't act like I went to it for other reasons and hope to bump into him to get the ball rolling...he'd think I was stalking him if I showed up at the event. For that reason, I'm thinking I'll wait until after the event passes to try to actually make contact).

 

As for the issue of waiting for him to contact me, he is a pretty shy/passive guy in general, and the last he heard from me I was trying to pretend that I was over him and totally moved on. In our last conversation, he mentioned his new girl to me and that sparked my hurt/jealousy...so I responded to that by acting like he never mattered much to me and kind of bragging about my rebound guy to him (and I *think* that made him feel weird, so he decided to just cut me off). For that reason, I doubt that he would be willing to make the first move even if he did miss me.

 

I realize this probably sounds like a bad idea. I guess I was just hoping that you guys could help me go about it in a way that would maximize whatever small chance of success there is.

 

I like the idea of saying "Hey, how ya doing?" in a casual way, but considering how things ended up between us, I wonder if I need to try to offer some explanation for hwo I acted back then, or reassurance about my current intentions to have any chance of getting a reply. On the other hand, I also realize men often roll their eyes at getting wordy, emotional letters from girls, so I'm worried that trying to explain too much would backfire...see, I'm confused here.

[nomoretears4uboo]

Well, lets me tell you my story. I was friend with this guy then we dated for almost a year then we broke up his choice . we still talked for a few days because he said he still wanted us to be friends. Which I wanted that too because, before anything he was my friend first. until he changed his number and told everyone not to give to me. So eventhought ppl still gave me his new number I decided not to talk to him.. a year later after I dated someone else. I decided I wanted to be friends with him again. Kinda like the way you feel now you said you want your pal back. so did I. I just sent him a message, saying I just wanted to say hi and hope you're doing well. He responded then we started talking again being friends.

 

So, I would just say started off by saying a simple hello, ask how's he's doing. And wait and see. Don't apologize for how you acted in the past. If you feel you really want to apologize, don't do it now wait until you started talking again.

[isidore]

Let me tell you: getting a wordy, emotional letter from a girl is fantastic...when you're falling in love. A letter now might not have the effect you desire. I confess I'm a bit confused as to what your goals are. But that's ok because I'm usually a bit confused. You're afraid he might not want anything to do with you. I have to ask you: why subject yourself to that kind of potentially wrenching rejection all over again?

 

You two may have had a great friendship and relationship but do you really require his friendship now? I only ask this because reading your posts it occurs to me that you kind of want him back.

 

One more thing. When you said what you said at the end of the relationship you were hurting. You've nothing to apologize for. How good a friend could he really be after her took up with another girl and never contacted you again? I say this not to rub salt in an old wound, but rather to try and show you that you seem to really be a very thoughtful person who has put a lot more concern into this person than they have returned to you.

 

If it's friends you're looking for the cool people on this forum can keep you company.

[Brooke657]

Just talk to him, grab coffee or something and catch up. He may be a very differnt person now. You might not want to be friends with him or you might want to be friends with him even more now.

[sadk]

So, I would just say started off by saying a simple hello, ask how's he's doing. And wait and see. Don't apologize for how you acted in the past. If you feel you really want to apologize, don't do it now wait until you started talking again.

 

Yep. I agree. Don't complicate things. Just call him and say hi. See where it goes from there.

[ManOfPlans]

Don't apologize for how you acted in the past.

 

I agree, whatever you do, do not apologise. Apologising will give the impression that you haven't truly moved on, that the break-up is still on your mind.

 

You want to start again fresh, on a new page, after a true seperation. What good will mentioning anything from the past achieve?

 

If you feel the need to apologise, if how you acted still plays on your mind, if you are really really keen on a friendship, maybe now is too soon to regain contact...

 

Just a thought. Good luck!

[ladyblue07]

Thanks for the input, guys.

I'm glad that you explained to me that the simple "hi, what's up?" approach is probably best, because I don't think I would have gone that way if I was relying on my own instincts. My nature is to try to "talk things out" with people any time there's a conflict, try to explain all my reasons for what I did, reassure the person that things are different now, etc. but I know sometimes that can backfire by overcomplicating things.

 

As for the issue of why I want to get back in touch, and if I secretly want him back, I really don't think it's about wanting to have a new romance with him. On a romantic level, I don't think I could forgive the fact that he chose someone else over me (but obviously, as friends, I don't expect him to put me as #1 in his life). I know he's still with the other girl and I don't feel jealous about it anymore. I stayed away from him for so long *because* I had feelings for him still and knew it would hurt to hear anything more about his relationship with the other girl. Now, though, I do think I could be happy for him being with someone else.

 

With that being said though...there's a part of me that wonders if maybe it's easy for him to not care about our friendship now while he is probably all wrapped up in this other girl, so maybe I should gamble that they'll eventually break up, and then approach him at that point? I don't know if that would be a good idea or not, since a reunion seems increasingly unlikely as more time goes by, plus if I showed up right after they broke up he'd probably assume I was trying for a romance again.

 

For me, romances have always been based on friendship first, so I really would love to have that friendship back even though the romance didn't work out.

I once managed to reunite with a prior ex purely as friends after not talking for six months. With that prior ex, it was again a case where he was the one who dumped me and then cut me off. I sent him an instant messenger message on a whim one night, not expecting a reply, but that opened up the lines fo communication again. Now things are better than ever between us as just plain old friends with no hint of romantic intent (in fact, I've even had some conversations with that prior ex's current fiancee, who seems much better for him than I was).

Unfortunately, it took me a lot longer to get over this latest guy, so now after a whole year, it seems like the odds of such a happy reunion are less.

I am the type to have a few close friends that I get very attached to rather than a big group of people, so it's hard for me to lose one of them. I'd love to have our friendship back somehow even though it wasn't meant to be a romance.

[ManOfPlans]

I'm glad that you explained to me that the simple "hi, what's up?" approach is probably best, because I don't think I would have gone that way if I was relying on my own instincts. My nature is to try to "talk things out" with people any time there's a conflict, try to explain all my reasons for what I did, reassure the person that things are different now, etc. but I know sometimes that can backfire by overcomplicating things.

 

Yes, its interesting how so many things in life are counter-intuitive, especially regarding human emotions and phsychology. Sometimes we have to train ourselves to do things that seem inherently unnatural and wrong, we have to 're-wire' our brains to a certain extent.

 

Freud would have a field day on this site.