The ex just sent me a text - ADVICE?!!?

[Steve316]

So, on this, the 8th day of no contact, she decided to text me. I was feeling ok, going about my business, and then the phone vibrates!!

 

Let me put the exact words on here - "Hey how r u? Im ok. U been up 2 much? Not sure if textin u is ok, if not let me know. Bought 4 albums yday and left them in the cinema..hardly surprising nobody has handed them in..gutted!"

 

This has now put my head in a bit of a spin and I'm not sure (a) whether to reply, or (b) what to reply. I must admit I have already thought "who was she at the cinema with?", and this is despite the fact I was at the cinema myself last night with friends!!

 

Let's be clear, we didn't break on 'bad' terms (although I was shocked, upset, angry etc) so I don't REALLY want to ignore the text, or reply to her question saying, "no it's not ok for you to text".

 

HELP!

[Cid]

well say that you are doing good but you would like more time to heal. She should get the message.

[Emily525]

well say that you are doing good but you would like more time to heal. She should get the message.

 

 

I agree with this

[Bethany]

I think it depends if you want her back or if you want to remain friends.

 

I think that if you want her back, then you shouldn't reply as she is making no effort to tell you that she has made a mistake and wants you back.

 

But if you think you want to, and can remain friends after all of this, and you are SURE that you can handle anything she throws your way, including the fact that she was at the cinema with someone new, because afterall she might have used that text to open a door between you to tell you that very thing, then text her back and BE friends.

 

 

There is no rush in this, take as long as you need and consider very possible outcome of YOUR action, because it wil be YOU that is set back and who suffers when you are doing so well already.

 

P.S.You don't have to tell her that you don't want her to text you if thats how you feel, your (in)action will say it all without words.

And I don't necessarily think that it's a good think to let someone knw that you need more time to heal, that tells them that you're still hurting, when you should be giving off signals that your out and about enjoying living life and are too busy to get back to them right now.

[Steve316]

I don't think I could ever be her friend if she has someone new already. This is simply because if she has, her entire reason for breaking up with me was a blatant lie and I don't really want a liar as a friend.

 

I asked my mate and he thought she probably wouldn't have mentioned the cinema if she thought that's what it would make me think??

 

Amazing how you can over analyse what is essentially a bit of small talk!!

[coooolsome]

DONT TEXT HER BACK!!!! I was in your situation 1.5 years ago and I know exactly how you feel, what you are thinking. I know that no matter what we say, you are going to do whatever you want but im telling you, dont do it. Listen to us and don't text her back. If you want her back, let her miss you, be challenging. Make her wonder what you are doing, who you are with.

 

When a woman breaks up with you for no good reason, its because you became a wuss and she lost her attraction for you. If you act like a little child then there is no way you are going to get her back. Show her you are a man and you dont need her, maybe this will cause her to think.

[Bethany]

"Hey how r u? Im ok. U been up 2 much? Not sure if textin u is ok, if not let me know.

 

I think she probably is testing the waters but in doing so, she probably without even realising it, is saying "text me regardless". But it really is up to you whether you want to or not. Take your time and think about it.

[Steve316]

IF there is nobody else and she has been truthful about her break up reasons, then I do kind of feel ready(ish) to be friendly, possibly even meet up or something. It is just that nagging feeling that there COULD be someone else that's getting at me. I mean, less than 3 weeks after finishing it, I would really hate for there to be someone else.

 

Then I'm thinking why wouldn't she just tell me?? If she wanted me out of her life then telling me that would be a good way to do it. But then by texting me she maybe doesn't want me out of her life completely??

 

God, I've kind of hoped she would contact, and then when she does, I wish she hadn't!!!

[Bethany]

All I can say is if it were me, I'd reply. But I'd make sure that she knew I was doing great, was happy, busy, and enjoying my life and I'd ask no leading questions and then see how it when from there (but be warned -I'm tough as old boots).

[Zaphod]

If she really wants to speak - at least she could do you the courtesy of making a real phone call like a real person rather than hiding behind texts .....

 

How does she know for sure you even got it rather than it disappearing into the black hole of lost texts on the network? You could use that to your advantage and just claim you never got it, if you don't want to answer.....

 

Think of it as a test

 

Texts are good for some things but shouldn't be used for actual conversation IMHO. I find it rude when people throw me these massive long texts when they could have phoned me up.

[astaro]

IF there is nobody else and she has been truthful about her break up reasons, then I do kind of feel ready(ish) to be friendly, possibly even meet up or something. It is just that nagging feeling that there COULD be someone else that's getting at me. I mean, less than 3 weeks after finishing it, I would really hate for there to be someone else.

 

Then I'm thinking why wouldn't she just tell me?? If she wanted me out of her life then telling me that would be a good way to do it. But then by texting me she maybe doesn't want me out of her life completely??

 

God, I've kind of hoped she would contact, and then when she does, I wish she hadn't!!!

 

 

 

i dont think you should contact her, you clearly still have feelings for her and contacting her will probebly make you feel worse.

[MightyBoosh]

oh my gooood i find myself in this situation on a weekly basis.....I pull away for a bit, because the ex is sending too many confusing signals, or, like you, im completely over analysing everything said and it starts to drive me up the wall. then, I get a text asking how i am, that hes bored, and do i fancy a chat....so, despite the urge to reply, i dont. That feeling of knowing that you didnt text back is so immense, im guessing it must be how you feel when youre completely over someone.....

I have that continuous feeling that he might be seeing someone else too (and, from recent experience, have decided that things like facebook, myspace and bebo are the spawn of the devil!!!!!!

Id guess that shes not seeing someone, like someone else said, she wouldnt be telling you about being at the cinema to make you think "who is she with?" she was doing it as a way of checking how things are between you...

What i thing is slightly out of order is that, if you have asked her to not get in touch because you need space, then why is she texting you? texting is contact....end of..i know youve hoped she would get in touch, but if youve asked her not to, then i think its slightly out of order that she did....

[valenski]

Zaphod, its not if you should answer its how you should, you might say you have initiated NC but if you dont answer she may just keep on sending those messages that seem to come from out of nowhere and just knee cap you. The aim is to be concise, precise and express no emotion or sentiment just lay it out bone dry. My Ex sent me something similar to that on valentines day, This is the message I returned:

 

-I'm doing better than I expected and you dont need to check on me, we're not really friends anymore. goodbye.

 

She wished me happy valentine's day but I didnt return it.

 

Good luck and you are doing better already.

[kate111]

I wouldn't reply.

 

Why is she telling you this? It's useless information. How insulting.

 

Just leave it, let her chase you even if she wants to be friends.

 

Get a new phone and then if you see her tell her you changed your number.

[Steve316]

Well...I replied

 

Still, I don't feel too bad about it, I think my reply was fairly straightforward, didn't give much away, and didn't hint at missing her or anything like that. Just said I was doing alright and I had also been to the cinema last night and that I was just up to "this and that". Thought it was better to keep her guessing?

 

Took me 6 hours to reply so at least that shows (or at least it appears to her) that I'm not desperate to reply and might have been busy all day.

 

No reply received as yet but I'm not stressing out about it. In reality, I don't think she is trying to play any mind games or anything, despite the crazy thoughts that the human brain can often come up with!

 

Once again, I will let her make the next move, I can do no more than that.

[Steve316]

Hi,

 

I didn't ask her at any point not to contact me so it's ok. I just didn't contact her and my theory is that she will have been surprised by this as it's not really like me. Might explain her text, perhaps she had a little panic to herself???

 

As for bebo, I looked at her page once and only once, that was enough for me. She is still on my friends list but I do know that looking at the page would only make me feel worse.

[Steve316]

Anyone?

 

I have been thinking about her tonight a bit, quite annoying. Bizarrely I was watching a programme on 9/11 and just seeing New York reminded me of being there with her a couple of years ago. That's all it took and all the good memories came flooding back again....:sad:

 

It hurts that we won't do anymore trips / holidays together again as we had such great fun, just the two of us. It felt like us against the world and I loved discovering new places together. Oh well, just got to try and get these thoughts out of my mind now or I won't sleep tonight! ](*,)

[Steve316]

Aaaargghhh, was doing ok, but inadvertently looked at her bebo page! One of my friends obviously saw her in town on Friday night and spoke to her, he then must've noticed her on my page, and then posted a comment on hers saying something like 'Hi how are you, do you remember talking to me tonight??'. So, I was just innocently going to post a comment on my mates page and there is a comment from her right at the top! Of course, I am a bit puzzled because this particular mate has only even met her once or twice (not a mutual friend as I myself haven't known him that long) so I went onto her page (doh!) to follow the 'conversation'. It was nothing really, just her saying she did remember but was quite drunk and can't remember what she said. There was nothing on her page of any note really, I guess it must be just seeing pictures of her that's got my heart racing (and I don't mean that in a good way!!), she even looks slightly different like she's changed her 'style', but I suppose that is normal. Just her commenting on 'a heavy weekend' etc makes me kind of jealous for some reason (I was out too!). I think it's partly because she told me not so long ago that she wasn't going to go out and get drunk anymore (really drunk that is) as it was 'pointless', and now she's out more than ever and drinking a lot by the sounds of it.

 

Anyway, that's quite enough rambling, it was just set in motion by that temporary shock to the system I just had there. I have to admit I was having some thoughts about suggesting a meet up or something but after looking at that webpage I've realised I still would find it very difficult to see her.