Learned things after ex dumped me, but...

[Jason1080]

...I dunno how to use the knowledge if you know what I mean. I think I was a typical "nice guy". Where i would let my ex do anything she wanted, and when she flirts with other guys, i just stand there and tell myself that shes loyal. I heard that being too nice may lead to downfalls in the future. Anybody have any tips on how to change the "style" of my relationship "handling"?

 

PS- sorry for the quotation marks, i cant find the proper words to phrase what I wanted to say

[kate111]

I personally think you should avoid blaming yourself.

 

I fall into this pitfall as well sometimes.

 

So you have values. Time you met someone who shared your values. Perhaps you were more mature than her.

 

Hold your head high Jason and keep acting with dignity and grace. It's her with the problem.

[heloladies21]

Good for you on noticing your flaw. This is a problem which affects the majority of men in western civilization when it comes to girls. Guys just have a real problem when it comes to sticking up for themselves and seeing the truth.

 

If you wanna change, think about how you would handle your gf flirting with another guy if you could do it all over again. What would you do differently? For me, I would instantly confront her on it. I would be very confrontational and aggressive in addressing the situation as I have been very disrespected. I would basically put the whole relationship on the line and if she didn't shape up, I would dump her.

 

This is more of an internal change you have to make. You have to come to the decision that you are going to stickup for yourself and then act on it.

[kate111]

Good for you on noticing your flaw. This is a problem which affects the majority of men in western civilization when it comes to girls. Guys just have a real problem when it comes to sticking up for themselves and seeing the truth.

 

If you wanna change, think about how you would handle your gf flirting with another guy if you could do it all over again. What would you do differently? For me, I would instantly confront her on it. I would be very confrontational and aggressive in addressing the situation as I have been very disrespected. I would basically put the whole relationship on the line and if she didn't shape up, I would dump her.

 

This is more of an internal change you have to make. You have to come to the decision that you are going to stickup for yourself and then act on it.

 

 

Yes I think this is a valid point too.

 

I have resolved to be more determined on this and take notice when I become too selfless.

[Northalius]

You just trusted her a lot. But remember, trust should be earned, not taken freely.

 

When someone takes your trust, not earns it, it gives them the vibe that you have no self respect; they'll view you like, as they say, a "doormat" kind of person. One to be taken advantage of.

 

We live, we learn. Don't ever think "I'm too nice!" because you can be very nice, but at the same time, have wisdom to discern between what is right and what is wrong. Know when to put your foot down about certain issues; openly communicate with your partner about your feelings. There's a time to be nice, but then a time to be firm with wisdom and righteous anger behind it, as well.

 

If my girlfriend was flirting with guys, I'd be very suspicious. I've been in a "friendly flirting... is it ok?" thread, and you'll see I'm against it if you're in a committed relationship. Some have said they flirt with their friends with no romantic attachment involved. Well, if true, that's rare for me to see in this world. Usually, when you flirt, you're viewing that person more than "just a friend". At least, from what I've seen myself, and've read about over the years.

[kate111]

Yes very wise.

 

So what about the situation where they earned your trust and then changed in the relationship into someone else? Are you supposed to always keep track?

 

I'm doing no contact. He doesn't deserve me. I realise that now. Is that setting limits?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

I really think you should dump her. There is no point having a relationship that he will always feel insecure. She flirts with other guys when she has relationship with you, it is a bad sign and show no respect. In long term, the insecurity with build up, it is like a time bomb. It will burst one day.

 

I actually had a work colleuge, A, who verbally said he likes me. However, he is overly "friendly" with one of my work colleagues,K, who already has a boy friend. On valentine during lunch time, A actually asked me to go out for dinner with him at "S place", when A and K share the lunch meal together.

 

K said that she was also going to an expensive dinner with her boy friend at the "S place". It was an obvious disrespect to me and her boy friend. I did not accept the invitation.

 

Sometimes I felt that K has an implied competition with me to get A attention, which I don't care. She would tell me that A is going out to watch movie with so and so. And A would tell me and K who and who likes him and brought him flowers on valentine day. And how many girls call him on that day. He even show me the picture of the girl who like him.

 

I really felt disgust with the situation.