Your attitude toward social skills (or socially skilled people)?

[Celadon]

I've got this weird, complex attitude toward social skills, and I wanted to talk about it with people here, maybe compare notes.

 

I admire people who are good in social situations, but I'm also resentful of them. Social skills haven't come easily to me. I grew up shy, although I'm much more confident now.

 

I guess I'm envious because they have what I'd like to have: the ability to get attention when you want it. Socially skilled people can grab people's attention in conversation, win others over to their side by being light hearted, steer the topics to what they want to talk about. Social skills are a definite asset. I almost wonder if people with good skills have had an easier life, at least in terms of making friends and feeling loved by others. Not to mention, they seem like they're having a lot of fun.

 

At the same time that I admire all these things about social skills, I harbor resentment that I would need to improve my social skills in order to have this "automatic" acceptance from others.

 

I don't know ... maybe I'm just proud and have an "If you don't like me the way I am, then who needs you?" sort of attitude. Anyone know what I mean?

 

Just thought I'd open this topic up for discussion. Thanks.

[TheRedQueen]

I've been blessed with what you'd call good social skills.

 

Has my life been easy because of them????

 

Absolutely not.

[Daddy Bear]

The term "social skills" denotes a set of distinct elements, not all of which go hand-in-hand. You may think yourself unable to work a room like a Hollywood producer can, but from your OP alone it's evident that you're able to convey your thoughts in a manner that's concise and articulate. This is a coveted social skill in itself, and one that can certainly transfer to verbal form with no more than the infusion of a little self-confidence.

[Celadon]

Thanks to you both for your replies. Sorry to hear your life hasn't been easy, TheRedQueen -- although I hope at least it's been good.

 

somebloke, yeah, you're right about social skills actually being a varied set of skills. That makes me think about what particular skills I mean. I guess there's a certain way of behaving that projects a sense of "I'm having fun, I've got it all together, I've got friends who love me."

 

At least, that's how it looks to me, being on the outside looking in, when I hear someone talking (for example) about how they're always having people over for dinner and what fun they all have and how So-and-so was teasing her about such-and-such. I don't perceive it as bragging, but it communicates to people how popular she is. Know what I mean?

[caro33]

So are you talking about social skills or popularity? Related but different.

 

Actually you sound like you are having an understandably adverse reaction to smugness!

[MissTee]

I have good social skills.

 

Easy life? Nope.

 

They have helped me to succeed and progress in my career though as I am in an environment where I deal with new clients for a company on a day-to-day basis.

 

Still have the usual relationship problems.

 

They are an asset but all they make easier is conversing with people and relating to people.

 

Everything else is just life.

[Celadon]

So are you talking about social skills or popularity? Related but different.

 

Actually you sound like you are having an understandably adverse reaction to smugness!

OK, thanks. I needed to hear that, caro33! As for social skills or popularity...hm...well, I'm bothered by how people use social skills and reputation to create a certain image around themselves, or use their skills to create a perception about a situation that is to their advantage.

 

Maybe that's getting more into ethics than straight-up social ability. I do NOT mind when people use their skills to help resolve conflicts or cajole people into better moods or the like. It's more about how some people use skills to position themselves in the center of everything.

 

I have good social skills.

 

Easy life? Nope.

 

They have helped me to succeed and progress in my career though as I am in an environment where I deal with new clients for a company on a day-to-day basis.

 

Still have the usual relationship problems.

 

They are an asset but all they make easier is conversing with people and relating to people.

 

Everything else is just life.

Thanks for sharing that, MissTee. Maybe I'm just thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.

 

But tell me, in your opinion does it *SEEM* that people with social skills are generally treated with greater trust and given the benefit of the doubt more than people with not-so-good social skills? Because that's what it feels like to me. I could be perceiving this wrong, of course.

[caro33]

Well I guess it's easier to trust someone who seems like you, whose opinions and approach resonate with your own. It's easier to like someone if they are your "people". People with no or little social skills have to overcome their inability to come accross as "same" to bond with others.

 

When some people use their social skills to suck up and be fake to ingratiate themselves, yes, it's nauseating I think!

[Celadon]

You know, caro33, that's a really profound point. It reminds me that people often want to be around people with whom they either share similarities, or WISH to be similar to. So people gravitate towards happy people because they wish to be a happy person or to be seen as a happy person. We move toward that which we admire.

 

I've been resenting "skilled" people because I felt the adoration they sometimes get from others signaled that people thought the skilled people were "better." But perhaps it is more a matter of trying to find people whom you think are a match AND who is a match of your best self.

[Batya33]

I too was a shy awkward child/adolescent. I credit my high school sweetheart with helping me take a big leap towards coming out of my shell and I ended up, over a very long period of time, developing very good social skills by watching others, through painful self-evaluation, etc. Does it make life easier? Well, yes, sometimes it does. My trouble with your post is the broad definition of social skills and I think Caro33 did a great job of distinguishing skill in the sense of rapport building and bonding and "skill" as in a sort of fake/insincere "charm" or "smoothnes" that can lead to success or doors opening in certain situations. I define it as the first - rapport building and bonding. And, yes, if you can do that - from a place of good intentions, compassion, tact, etc then life can be easier in certain ways.

 

Mostly I responded to your post because I can relate to the shy/awkward beginnings and feeling at a disadvantage with respect to those who seemed to have an easy time of it from the get go. I say it's worth it to work on those skills and develop them - while still maintaining for yourself that you need to be accepted for who you are. I think you can do that consistently with developing better social skills. Good luck!

[caro33]

I think Batya has put this well, and thank you both for being so generous with my previous statements!

 

K8tie, I have spent much of my life looking at the people who were 'nice' and thinking they were insincere schmoozers. I have felt alone and misunderstood. It took me ages to realise that I was not invisible, that rather than me projecting some bland or atttractive facade that others inexplicably avoided, I was actually a little black cloud, scowling in the corner. They knew I was there, they just didn't know what to do about me. I was actually edited out of video footage of a party I was at many years ago!

 

Some people are atrocious brownnosers and I don't like it at all. But many others are just trying to get by, you know? They are dealing with their own internal crap and they're just trying to connect. Those are valuable social skills and I have started to realise that as I have aged. I fear I still have not overcome my own ego enough to stop scowling and just be nice for the sake of it all the time, but I am much improved .

[caro33]

A good attitude Ellie, and with that attitude I can't see how you can ever fail.

 

Oh and I'm NOT brown-nosing!

[Batya33]

A good attitude Ellie, and with that attitude I can't see how you can ever fail.

 

Oh and I'm NOT brown-nosing!

 

I sooooo was.

[Celadon]

Thanks Batya, Ellie, Caro. I appreciate your understanding and also your advice. I guess I need to get over my ego (or fear of looking foolish, if that's what it is) and try to develop better skills.

 

One thing I do NOT have is a loud voice, but I've noticed that volume and energy are pretty well related to social skill. I have always been very "true" to myself and my feelings, so I have struggled with feeling fake when I put on a happy face and summon up energy that I don't feel. Maybe that's a sign that I should take better care of myself, so I *am* happy and energetic.

 

Also, I agree, Batya, that it's worth developing skills, while still believing I have the right to be accepted as I am.