Bad Relations

[BBHFutureAllAmerican]

ok so to start, me and my dad have not cared for each other for about the last 2 or 3 years, sure he comes to my games, "supports" me when i have a problem, but he's really becoming a conflict between me and my friends, and my girl friend. The problem with my girlfriend is that she lives a half an hour away, he went out with one of his friends drinking last night so she wasn't supposed to be over, but I let her anyway, he didn't end up finding anything out, but today it really got to me, like more than ever before. My gf's dad is a pastor, I am a non-Christian, but her dad invited me to one of their youth group meetings so I said sure I'd like to go, because I love being around her, and if it requires me to go to something that they both believe strongly in and I don't, I'm going to make that sacrafice. My dad on the otherhand says no, (what a surprise) he even knew that her dad had invited me to go, and was even willing to come pick me up (I could have just as easily drove) but my dad ends up telling him off! With my friends even, last weekend me and a friend went out to get some stuff for carnival from a place half an hour away, I call him to see if I can go, course no answer on his phone, we finally get to be where we're at and he says no you can't go cuz what if his car breaks down, so I said yeah whatever, he ends up finding out and calls me grounded. There have been so many instances that I'm no longer invited to parties and stuff, because my friends just figure I can't go out because of him. My parents are still married, but my mom works 3 and a half hours away on the weekend so she really has no say in anything I can or can't do. Like I said it's been stuff like this for the past 2 or 3 years. And I don't need to hear the "oh he's doing it, cuz he wants what's best for you" well if he really knew what's best for me, he'd know that what makes me happy is being out with my friends, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I have way too much love for going to college to play football to screw it up! so any and all help would be wonderful!

[Daligal83]

I know how frustrating it is when you feel like you're constantly fighting a parent. I think what would help here is to sit down with your dad and tell him your frustrations. They KEY thing to do while talking to him is to tell him how YOU feel, not how HE is making you made. Otherwise he'll probably feel attacked and become defensive. Ask him to give you a reason why you can't do these things and then provide him with your reasoning as why you should be able to. If you create that kind of mature dialogue with him, he'll probably listen.

 

Also, if you just continuously disobey him just because you disagree, then yea he's going to lose trust in you and keep telling you no.

 

Please don't think your dad doesn't care about you because of this. You said yourself that he comes to your games and is there when he has a problem. Be thankful for that! There are so many people out there who don't have that. It's a real sign that he does care for you.

[BBHFutureAllAmerican]

i have tried, but honestly if you knew my dad you wouldn't say that, he refuses to listen to anything i say, just last thursday i wanted to go to the game, i was offered a ride from one of HIS friends and my mom got to him first and asked and he started yelling at her WHY DOES HE THINK HE'S GOIN ANYWHERE! and my mom says well he just got asked 2 minutes ago then he went on his all-too-famous ra;kjas;eklrj;aklsejrk;jr ;kljas;kljsda rant

[Daligal83]

You're right, I don't know your dad. I have two ideas here.

 

One is that he has anger problems. In that situation you just described, he is completely overreacting. Is there a way you can talk to your mom about how you feel about this? See if she can help you any?

 

The other one is that given that you've disobeyed him in the past, maybe he was upset because he heard it from your mom and not you. Do you think he would appreciate if you approached him and said "Dad, I've finished all my work for the night and one of your friends offered to take me to the game. I'll be home by so and so time and would really like to go, is that OK?" If he says no, stay calm and ask him if he could explain to you why not, just so you can understand where he is coming from. I know it's so hard to stay calm when you feel you're being disrespected (I've blown up at my Dad many times), but he feels the same way. Respect him and hopefully he'll respect you back.

[BBHFutureAllAmerican]

i'm not gonna disobey my dad, cuz he knows all, trust me i do not get away with anything, like i've said before he was a regular high school student, but me i'm way different cuz i'm gonna be playin football in college in a couple years so i can't mess that up, i really wish i could talk to my mom, but i won't even talk to her if he's in the room, she works on the weekends which of course is the only time i really have to go out and my dad is always home weekend nights so i really can't do anything, he's got some deal where i gotta tell him what i'm doing 24 hours in advance, so i'll tell him 48 hours in advance, then he'll claim he forgot i said anything to him, he hasn't shown any encouragment for me, all he does is criticize me and say i'm never any good, but i really do miss bein able to actually being able to have a dad that can listen to his own son! (you have no idea how much you're helping me right now)

[Daligal83]

I'm glad I can help

 

Two more things (there's a pattern here haha)

 

When your mom is home, sacrifice some time out with your friends and tell her you need some alone time with her. Go out to lunch together or something. Then you can tell her what's on your mind without having your father around.

 

You said that your father claims to forget when you tell him that you have plans. I think a great solution would be to right it down and have him sign it. That way there's no way he can deny that he knew. I know it seems like a silly thing to do, but it could prevent a lot of fights, you know?

[Daligal83]

Oh, and I still stand by my idea to sit him down and tell him how you feel. I think if you told your dad what you just told me, how you miss having a dad that you can talk to, that would really hit home with him.

 

For talking with your dad...here's an idea that I actually got from my couples therapy class. You sit down together and you tell him what is on your mind regarding being able to go out. He has to repeat what you say after every sentence. Then when you are done, he has to summarize what you said and check with you to make sure he got everything right about how you feel. Then it's his turn and you have to repeat every sentence he says and summarize what he said at the end. This allows you to really really listen to each other and where you are coming from, instead of planning what you'll say in rebuttle. Maybe your mom could referee this exchange to make sure that the other person is purely repeating what the first says and not trying to debate it. Then you can work on compromise now that you know how the other person percieves the situation.

[BBHFutureAllAmerican]

i don't go out with my friends...cuz i CAN'T, i work monday and wednesdays from 4:30 to 7:45, then i go to school from 8:24-3:30 then i got practice from 3:45 till 6, and my dad is home by 4, and i don't even bother arguing with him, cuz he doesn't bother changing his mind, but i do leave him a note in the door before he leaves for work so he HAS to read it, but i do occasionally just go out for a drive with my mom cuz driving really calms me down n then i can talk to her about stuff but i just don't know how to fill the void

[Daligal83]

I hear you when you say that you don't want to bother because you know what he's going to say. So maybe one time you can sit down and tell him how you feel when you're not asking permission to go out and do something. Just be like, Dad I gotta talk to you about something that's bothering me (you said he's there for you when you have a problem). Then go into how you feel that even though you're a good kid and obey his rules, you feel like he's not treating you with respect and that you feel frustrated when he always says no. You can say what you said before about how you miss having that connection with him. Do you think that conversation right there would turn into an argument?

 

Does your mom know how you feel about your dad then? What does she say?

[BBHFutureAllAmerican]

i've given up trying to reason with him about 8 months ago, and my mom really doesn't understand, she kinda takes both our sides (which i can see why) but she really can't do anything about it being that she's gone on the weekends, but in the summer when i'm not working, she let's me go out and about cuz she knows that i don't hang out with "that" crowd, and she knows that i'll make curfew if not 10 minutes earlier, i just wish my dad could be the same way

[Daligal83]

Out of curiosity..when you said your mom takes both sides, what does she say in defense of your dad?

[BBHFutureAllAmerican]

just the usual, well you go to understand that he doesn't want you making the same mistakes he did, but as before she's gone on the weekends and has no say in anything anyway

[Daligal83]

Well that says a lot. It's not that he doesn't care about you. It's the opposite. He cares about you so much and can tell how much you have going for you, but he's just afraid that you'll do what he did. He knows what's out there to get you into trouble and it sounds like he got into some of that stuff.

 

I know you keep saying that you don't want to talk about him, but honestly I think that's the best way to go. Think of it this way...you can do nothing and nothing will change. Or you can try to talk to him and it can either stay the same (I'm assume it can't get worse) or it could get better. It's at least worth a shot right?

[BBHFutureAllAmerican]

i really wish it was worth a shot...but no matter what i say or do, it doesn't mean a thing to him, he just doesn't see my point of view where i've been coming from, people don't even invite me to go out and bowl anymore, he doesn't even like when i go to the movies downtown i've tried showing him my side of things but it's no use (i am feeling waaaaaaaaay better than i was about 2 hours ago)

[Daligal83]

Do you see any possible solutions?

[BBHFutureAllAmerican]

well no cuz he claims that he always has to solve my problem (like when i need to borrow the car and he has it at work (just an example)) or if he thinks i should be solving a problem that isn't bothering me in the least and he thinks he needs to get involved with my social life

[Daligal83]

I don't know what else to tell you besides try to talk to him. I know you don't think it will work, but like I said, it can't make anything any worse. All I can say is, if you don't try anything it's gauranteed to stay the same.

 

You sound like a mature young man with a good head on your shoulders. You have more responsibility (job, school, football) than a lot of people your age and I really think you can work through this with him.

[BBHFutureAllAmerican]

thank you very very much! you don't know how much this has really helped me tonight!

[Daligal83]

I'm really very happy that I could help you Let me know how it works out, ok?