Dating a woman with low self esteem

[BrianTy]

I have been dating a wonderful woman for about 3 and a half months. We are both middle aged, divorced and have one child each. We started very hot and committed to each other after 2 months. She hasn't had a man in quite a few years and was concentrating on her child. Now she has been thinking VERY DEEPLY!! About the future..talking about years down the road, etc. This is ok with me. She now says she is feeling like she needs oxygen! She said she always runs or pushes people away when they try to get close. I know she and I are very serios about each other, I've meet her family and she mine. I think that she is scaring herself?? She has talked about how she has had a plan for her life, and did not think that she would meet anyone...and that I am the best thing that has ever happened to her!! Now she is putting the breaks on to slow way down!

I am giving her breathing room! I feel like we have a bright future!! Any ideas?

Advice?? Thanks.

[Ericson]

Wow, congrats, more power to you! I say give her some time to think about "us" she's obviously scarred you'll leave her, or something like that. Just keep doing whatever it is you're doing.

[BrianTy]

Thanks! The only thing that concerns me as that she says that I am too good and that she doesn't deserve me. And she goes on to say that she's not good at relationships, etc.

[Batya33]

The one thing I would be careful about is not letting your kids be involved with each other or yours with her/hers with you since the relationship is new and not that stable. Kids get attached very easily and it is not fair to them to let them get attached to someone who might not be around for very long.

 

The next time she says that I would respond with "thanks for sharing and if you truly believe that we can slow things down and agree that we can see other people in addition to each other - would that make you more comfortable?" Call her bluff.

[RayKay]

The one thing I would be careful about is not letting your kids be involved with each other or yours with her/hers with you since the relationship is new and not that stable. Kids get attached very easily and it is not fair to them to let them get attached to someone who might not be around for very long.

 

The next time she says that I would respond with "thanks for sharing and if you truly believe that we can slow things down and agree that we can see other people in addition to each other - would that make you more comfortable?" Call her bluff.

 

Agreed, I think she is testing you; she is looking for a "knight in shining armour" but I will tell you right now that you do not want to get in the position of being a rescuer; the relationship will be unbalanced, and she will create drama over and over to be "rescued" and for you to "prove your love".

 

Her insecurities are something she needs to learn to deal with from the inside out; you can be supportive, but you cannot enable.

[BrianTy]

We have both met each others kids. We actually spend time together the 4 of us. It's crazy...she tells me 2 weeks ago that she is totally into me and committed to me and that she doesn't want anyone else!! Now she says that she feels smothered and she is the one talking future. Then she says just a card for Valentine's Day....she is not big into romance. And we have been totally romantic all along. I think she is testing me????

[Batya33]

Thanks for sharing. Her behavior is precisely why it is unfair to let your kids spend time with her and get attached. Just my humble opinion (if you care to, you might want to read up on this - don't go by my opinion!)

[TrustNoMore]

Im sorry but you have hooked up with at this point anyways an unsure, unstable woman. She doesnt know what she wants or who she wants. If you back off she will send tears your way and say she wants nothing more than you. If you respond and get close to her she will back off and treat you more like a casual friend than anything.

 

At this point you might have better luck getting a wild animal to eat out of your hand then getting a clear and consistent signal from her. This is a real bad place for you to be in.

 

If she is like this now..indecisive and flaky how ever will she be able to have a healthy marriage especially during tough times?

 

Until she finds out who she is and what she really wants (with alot of time)that bright future is just a fantasy in my honest opinion. You want to put your life on hold while shes dragging your heart around?

 

I agree with Annie she wants a knight in shining armor and you dont want to be in a relationship where it is all about her.

 

It stinks I know. Hang in there.

[BrianTy]

Thanks. I will hang in there. I also think that the way we feel about each other deserves a "chance". I think it may be a phase for her? She was great up until the past 2 weeks when she did all this deep thinking!! All this

down the road future thinking and I think that it is scary to her, especially since there hasn't been a man in her life for almost 5 years!! A significant other.

She needs to deal with it. Do I give her major space? No calls, emails, etc to think?

[BrianTy]

Or is she doing way too much thinking already??? She needs to lighten up!!

[TrustNoMore]

People who start 'deep thinking' usually think themselves right out of a relationship. It just means her emotions are in charge and her brains been taking awhile to catch up.

 

When it comes to relationships the person who shows the least emotion is the one who controls that relationship. The less available and busier you are the better for you. Just be fair to yourself and dont let her take you for granted.

[heloladies21]

I think she is testing me????

Nope, this is on the way to dumping you.

 

Doubts like this are a clear cut signal that she is emotionally separating from you and wants to create some space so the inevitable split isn't as harsh. Best response is to call her out on her actions, cause think about it, when she says something like "I think we need to slow down" she's basicaly saying "I have doubts about us." How can you react to some thing like this, by supporting her and giving her space? No, you don't support someone's confusion about you.

 

You know what you want and you don't want anything less. You want to go forward with this and if she has any reservations with it after knowig you for this long (it's been long enough), then she needs to hit the road as you are not interested in someone who needs to make up their mind about you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think you need to really talk with her from the standpoint that maybe the problem is she is just being really cautious... when one is older and been through divorces etc., there can be worries that surface about what would happen if they made another big commitment and the horror of divorce happened again...

 

so i think you are right in that you both need to lighten up after two months... maybe talk about it and say, look, there is not rush to get married or make a huge commitment right now, let's just see how it goes...

 

maybe something happened in those 2 weeks that triggered a fear in her, so give it time to settle down... but if she continuously waffles over the next year, then i think you might say to her that you need a break, and see whether she really misses you and realizes her fears are unfounded (or maybe correct)... it's hard to tell at this stage...

[BrianTy]

I don't think that it's an attempt at dumping. From what she says its an over cautious thing. She has been the one talking about the future not me. And is getting scared. Everything was fine up to 2 weeks ago when the deep thinking started. About her retirement plans, how she is raising her child, and talk about she and I after she retires...that was her talking!!!

[Goblin]

Its simple. This girl likes you, feels insecure, paranoid abt the best thing happened to her will go away, planning abt the future w you etc. She needs to control herself.

 

I have heard of a girl saying im too good for her and we didnt end up in a relationship, just friends. Its not that they dont have confidence in them initially but when they meet someone like us who have more confidence, they kinda feel low and they are attracted to it.

 

How to deal with this : Be firm and get her feet back to ground coz shes thinking wayyy too much and too far. Help her by telling ur expectations and assure her she shudnt worry. If you love her then its worth the effort.

 

All the best!