help

[mollymoo]

I met my husband on a blind date and was swept off my feet. Wined, dined, everything. A few "red flags" came up that I ignored: warrant out for moneys owed to previous girlfried, unexplained divorce, and more. I still went ahead and married him. Everyone loves him, he's a real charmer and you'd have no idea he was anything but. I believe that he is a narcissist. We have been married 10 years now, we have children, and I continue to grow spiteful of him. His life, our life, is about him and only how things affect him. Whenever I have tried to talk to him, his response is usually that "Oh, nobody is as perfect as you. Must be nice to be so perfect." and so on. I have asked him to go to counseling and his response has been that everything's fine, if I have a problem then I should go. He has also destroyed our finances and a family business and I have taken the fall for all of his mistakes because I didn't want anyone to think ill of him.

I found out about a year into the marriage that his best friend confronted him on why he was marrying me, a gold-digger. I have found this to be true. He also has had bouts with horrific pornography and lies on a regular basis about everything that's nothing.

I have become immersed in my faith as I have had nowhere to turn. I pray all the time and have found great comfort in my prayer. I do not discuss my life with others until recently. I found a friend, a man, who is devoted to his faith and we immediately connected. I have told him just a little bit of what has happened but afraid to really tell the truth. I'm so ashamed of so much that I am reluctant to tell anybody at all- so the post.

I do not love my husband. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with him. I am so ashamed of some things that I think I might stay with him because I don't want to tell anyone. He has broken every promise he has ever made except that he has never been unfaithful, at least I don't think he has.

What do you think about all of this? Any encouraging words? Advice? Thanks

mollymoo

[Locke2121]

You can't spend the rest of your life in a relationship that hurts you. I don't know if your husband is a narcissist, but it sounds like is certainly shallow and self-centered. I would say thats its time for you to go your separate ways. Just make sure that you are set up in a way as to take care of yourself.

[itsallgrand]

I agree. You clearly are not happy. This marriage is isolating you, and filling you with shame.

 

That's not the way to live a good life.

 

Sometimes, I wish I had magical powers. If I did, I would lift off all that shame from your shoulders in one shot.

 

But you know what, sometimes shame is telling us something. I don't think it is meant to be a tool to torture ourselves with, but a way of our own good sense to tell us loudly something is wrong. Unattended, it does paralyze though, and that is not helpful. Perhaps, before, the way your hubby has treated you and his actions you chose to take upon yourself as your own fault.

And that isn't true. His choices - to be self centered, to allow you to suffer needlessly when you clearly were devoted to him as a partner - were all him.

 

But then, as you kept trying to forgive him and to stay, the shame built on you. And somewhere in you - maybe part of your shame is from your own deeds - staying with a man who was not treating you as you deserved.

Selling yourself short.

 

I have really come to believe that what we do to ourselves is much more painful to bear for us than what others do or do not do. Once we face those parts of ourselves that have made mistakes, that we are ashamed of, that don't measure up to our own expectations for ourselves - well, we are unstoppable!

Nothing anybody says, thinks, or does to us can bottom line affect our life course and happiness.

 

You are not a bad person. You deserve forgiveness - from yourself - for staying in this marriage beyond what was good for you.

At the time, you thought it was the best thing to do. It turned out not to be.

It's okay! It's okay to make mistakes.

 

Whether you believe it or not right now, there are tonnes of people out there who would be happy to be your friend and to know you - no matter what has happened, no matter the choices you have made.

 

I hope you do stand up for your happiness and claim it. And begin the journey of learning that you were worth it all along, and to feeling valued again.

 

Welcome to enotalone.

[baddasslegend92]

sorry you going through all of this.Man it has to be hard.What you need to do is look at your situation.Now we are only here for advice, however you have to look at it like this,do you want to spend the rest of your life in this situation,or do you want to get out and look towards the future.Now I can tell you from experience that getting a divorce is painful.I have been divorced for4 years now and that was the best thing that I have ever did.I have since then met a wonderful woman that I believe I deserve.Just take it one day at a time and keep us updated.

[mollymoo]

Thank you for your responses. I haven't looked at it in those terms. Two of my greates concerns: my children and the effects on them; I'm Catholic and although I cerebrally understand there are legitimate reasons for divorce, emotionally, psychologically it is difficult because of my committment to God. Your words means so much - thank you.

[Soon_tobex]

I am not very religious (but I do believe in God and my view is simple: do unto others)...

 

Prayer is fine but sounds like your husband doesn't share your faith or belief in prayer. Pray to God for strength, for courage, for insight. But don't pray to God to change the situation. I've always liked a little saying that goes like this (it's most appropriate at dinner time, but it can work anytime): "The Lord helps those who help themselves."

 

My wife is not a narcissist but she staunchly believes in authority and believes that she follows the rules better than anyone and is 'right'. Similar in ways to what your husband believes.

 

Does he view your prayer (and your religion) as a silly weakness?

 

When you say he ruined your finances and you took the fall; what does that mean?

[mollymoo]

No, he doesn't share my faith or prayer. As far as the finances, we borrowed money from family. He spent it frivously and not on the business and he was the one in charge of the finances. By the time I looked at the books are realized what was going on, it was really bad. The debt, the unpaid (said were paid) bills, etc. I said that it was my fault and didn't tell anyone that my husband and I had agreed that he would do all of the books. I simply took the blame and said nothing of his involvement. Of course I had a fit and told my husband as much, but it didn't mean anything to him. Personal finances: he was also taking care of those and soon we were getting calls of unpaid bills. He kept telling me they were paid and I asked then why the phone calls. He just says they're (the companies) are idiots and he's paid everything.

[Locke2121]

So your God would want you to stay in a loveless marriage to a self-centered man who could care less how you feel, instead of following a man who seems to be just the right type of man you need, someone who is caring and faith-centered like you? I'm not trying to be sarcastic or dump on Catholicism, but there is something wrong there.

[mollymoo]

No, it's not God's hangup, it's mine. I think it's one of those things we impose on ourselves. You're not dumping, I understand what you're saying, and, actually, I agree, as even my most devout Catholic friends do as well. I think it's that I'm terrified and my life is no longer my own. I have 3 beautiful children to consider and I am able to put on a pretty good front. It's strength I'm seeking, through prayer, friendship, and advice from many of you. I do not love my husband. I know that, admit that, and am scared, that's all.

 

Thank you for your words, I'm gaining strength just reading what all of you have had to say. Thank you so very much.

[melrich]

You need to get out of this marriage. You cannot spend the rest of your life with someone you do not love and someone who quite frankly sounds more psychopathic than narcissistic.

 

Once you have come to this decsion yourself you should act quickly to ensure your affairs are in order and you have an escape plan. Then put it into effect quickly and make sure you know who you an trust and who you cannot.

[radioheader]

there is a book called love must be tough by james dobson...your library probably has it. check it out...it has religious currents throughout it and i really enjoyed its message...talks about moving forward with or without your spouse ....i thinl you'll like it! good luck!