She won't have sex with me sober

[sweetandconfused]

OK, This would be my second posting. I have been with this woman for 6 months and for the past 5 months she can only have sex with me when she is drunk of high ( mostly both). She cant have sex with me when she is sober and it not a great feeling. She says that she doesnt feel sexual when she is sober and that she is self conscious about her body.

 

I don't know what to do or think - Can someone please help???

[hosswhispra]

This isn't your problem. She is dependent on alcohol and drugs = addict She needs to help herself. Addicts usually have to hit rock bottom before they realize they have a problem. There isn't really anything you can do but be a supportive friend--without enabling her.

[savoie]

not sure if i can answer your question - but i will try. i have a few questions for you.

 

how often does she drink? do you think think that she has a drinking problem? how is your relationship otherwise? do you communicate well? how does she view sex in general? how old is she? does she have self esteem or body image issues outside of this dept?

[sweetandconfused]

She drinks about 3 times a week ( mostly weekends) I dont think she has a problem thats forsure. The relationship has issues because of these things, she can't communicate about feelings because it makes her uncomfortable. She mentions that everything in her life has always been about sex and im the only real thing in her life, so she doesnt want to make it all about sex. She is 22 years old, and not a day older. I am 26 , so there is maturaty issues. She is a beautiful woman, she is thin probably about 5" and 110 pounds.. I think there should be nothing to worry about in terms of body issues... I just want her to make love to me sober...

[hosswhispra]

I dont think she has a problem thats forsure.

 

She has a problem with alcohol and drugs, trust me on this. She needs help. Who buys her the drugs/alcohol? If it is someone other than herself that makes them her enabler.

[anggrace]

Will she not even try? What if the light are out? Theres only so much you can do really.

[sweetandconfused]

I mean we have drinks - When we are at the bar a buy her a couple- I don't think that is too much of a problem - Drugs well she does drugs maybe once a week on the weekend and she buys that. I tell her she doesnt need them but tell me to shush..

[agent1607307371]

Does she have a history of abuse as a child or abusive relationships? Because that was my first thought when you said she had to be drunk to have sex with you. There is something in her that warped her experience of sexual behaviour.

[savoie]

a few thoughts come to mind. but i still have more questions. did someone that she cared deeply for leave her feeling used sexually? was sex treated as dirty or nasty in her childhood?

are you aware of sexual abuse at any point in her life? does she have difficulty expressing her feelings about issues between you unrelated to sex? do you think that her reasons for drinking are to avoid feelings?

[sweetandconfused]

She won't even try she says the more i bring it up the more it pushes her away and she holds out on me.

[sweetandconfused]

Maybe i should mention that this is a lesbian relationship also. She says she has never been abused before. Her father and mother are divorced, shes had many partners. She has been sexual with all of them - and has had plenty of sober sex so she says. The only time she can tell me how she feels about me is when she is intoxicated ( no fear at that point).

[Grosse vache]

I'm like your girlfriend. I generally only have sex if I've been drinking because it makes me feel a lot more relaxed about my body and I feel more confident. It doesn't make me an alcoholic.

 

If it were me....To do it sober....I would need to do it in the evening, with all the lights off so it was dark, in fact I might even want to keep my bra or nightdress on. I would need some other form of noise....like music or something to muffle any embarrassing noises. And it would just have to be straight forward sex nothing kinky or fancy.

 

I know. I'm weird but if there wasn't any weird people you wouldn't know who was normal.

[sweetandconfused]

I don't think anyone is weird, I believe everyone has a reason for doing the things they do. I use to not feel comfortable because i use to have weight issues. I just don't get how im the best sex shes ever had but yet she doesnt want to have it with me.

[Grosse vache]

Has she always been with women? Maybe it has something to do with that too.

[sweetandconfused]

She has been with many many woman - but she just started about 4 years ago. I was thinking that she may be straight because she comments men alot and goes out with them, but says she is faithful.

[savoie]

i thought your user name sounded female!

 

she is young and it sounds like she is not comfortable with sex or her feelings for you. she could be feeling too much or not enough.......but whatever it is - she coping with it in her own way. how old was she when she began drinking and using drugs?

 

in my opinion, this is not likely to change in the near future. she may need professional help - if her feelings are genuine for you but unable to express them. she sounds fairly resistant to discussing things with you - so i am not so sure she will be willing to do counseling on this matter.

 

is this something you want to look beyond - or is it a breaking point for you?

[itsallgrand]

I think you need to stop this. Something is going on with her, something painful, and she is masking it and making it worse with booze drugs and having sex with you when intoxicated.

It is not good for her, it is not good for you, it is not good for the relationship.

 

How is the intimacy aside from sex? When sober, can she express herself openly to you, hug you during appropriate times, show affection, kiss?

 

She needs to stop. And go talk to someone, would be good. But you as her partner can help her so much.

 

She is out of control so you must be in control and not let her call the shots.

 

I have this feelings..and I could be off, but I have my own experience I am drawing off of here....that if you were to Start at Basics :

Stop the Sex (intoxicated or not, simply no sex for now)

Reintroduce basic intimacy (lots of communication, dates, nonsexual physical affection)

.....

I think she would be all over you when sober, trying to initiate sex. I think her extreme vulnerability and insecurities regarding her worth and sex would come right to the fore.

 

I'm no expert, but it just seems as clear as day to me what she is trying to do.

She is trying to be intimate with you in a false way, because she is avoiding some major issues and pain.

 

hope this helps some.

[sweetandconfused]

There is baseically no intamiacy- we dont make out, kiss that often, when we see eachother its a quick peck and thats it for however long we are with eachother. She doesnt hug, she likes to cuddle alot but never takes my hand and wrap it around her.

[savoie]

this is just my opinion - but maybe the two of you are looking at your relationship in different ways? do you think that she thinks of you more as a friend? have you tried to talk with her about how she really feels about you?

[sweetandconfused]

I thought about that and I think you are right! I think she has lost whatever shes has for me, and is afraid to just lost the person I am. Its difficult because she always tells me what I want to hear, but I cant trust her and dont neccessarly believe what she is telling me because she is drunk. I dont think she will ever have the guts to tell me how she really feels about me, she likes the thought of having me around to much because i do alot for her.

[savoie]

i think that the mistake that many of us make is trying to figure out why a person behaves in a certain way when our attempts to communicate about it fail. if you feel that you have exhausted all options in talking with her about getting your needs met too and you still feel unsatisfied emotionally and physically then i think that it is time that you move on.

 

i see this same pattern over and over in relationships on the brink. one partner is unhappy with the relationship and seeks outside validation with respect to their feelings. often they are trying to get a perspective as to why that person behaves in a way that is hurtful to the relationship. they do this because they can't get the answers they need from their partner. sometimes its something little - and something that only needs to be vented and discussed with others. but more often than not, it is a deal breaker. seeking advice is a last ditch effort in giving that person more of a chance.

 

in your case - it sounds like you have been a giving partner. your desire for intimacy with someone you enjoy time with and care for is normal. if it were me, i would talk with her about this - i would put it on the table once and for all so you both know where you stand in the relationship. but once you do this - the outcome could go either way and you have to be prepared for that. from the way it sounds - you want much more from a relationship and rightfully so!

[Gracelove]

Has something happened to her in the past? Something bad and sex-related?

 

Maybe she's afraid of sex and is only having it to please you, and maybe she can only tolerate sex when she's drunk?

 

Is she really drunk when you guys have sex? Is she participating in the act at all?

[itsallgrand]

That was a good post, savoie. I think you are right on target.

[Rabican]

She won't even try she says the more i bring it up the more it pushes her away and she holds out on me.

 

I would simply tell her that I did not like the idea of being with someone who had to get drunk or high to sleep with me. What is that supposed to say about her feelings or attraction towards you?

 

Either she can address the issue and fix it, or I would leave.

[sweetandconfused]

WOW Savoie!!! You really made me open my eyes and are definatly right on target. Thanks for helping me. It hurts and I've had many opportunities to end it just gets hard because something is keeping me there and i dont know what it is. I care about her alot but i cant be a mother and a lover to her. Today we had a talk and she doesnt want to hear it, I want to do something special for her for V day but she has no intentions on doing anything for me, and im not gonna beg for it either. I think i have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. What she is doing to me isnt fair, just sucks when you feel so much for someone but then they dont feel the sameway make you feel like something is wrong with me.