Thoughts on getting back together

[hades]

Forgive the lack of spelling.

 

I've been reading alot of posts over alot of forums. Lots of NC talks, and lots of people wanting to get back together with there ex's. Lots and lots of people discouraging them from this. I hate to clash with some people, but i dont agree with that. So i am throwing out a few things that i didnt see, that i had to find.

 

First off, No one who is happy with their relastionship, and got their bf/gf "back" visits these forums. If they did that, they dont need to forums. They only need advice up till they get back together. At that point they move on to other forums. So don't base your hopes on reading lots of story's. Nor i dont think it's wise to listen to people who say "dump them no matter what". You need to evaluate the relastionship. Is it right for you, where there tons of problems, was there one big one, tons of small ones? Only you know your relastionship and Ex. Some people over react, some people are just obessive. Those people always read more into things then is.

 

All relastionships are differnt. there are no set rules, and there are no set guarentee's. So there is no sure fire way to win back any girl/guy. There is a way to win back a girl or guy that still has feelings for you, and can see in a possibility of working things out.

 

Will i get back with my EX

 

First thing is, the relastionship was broken thats why you broke up. Getting back together right away probly isnt the best solution for most. Often times, in a longer relastionship things havent gone well for a while. At this point, if you fix yourself for someone else, you will resent them, and you will bide your time till your back together. You wont work on you because your so focused on them.

 

If it's supose to happen, it will. It really depends on the girl/boy and the relastionship. We all known people who survived cheating and are happy, and people that broke up because the other didnt brush their teeth every day. If its going to work, it will. Let it work. Obviously we all want assurences either way. There are a few questions we can ask ourselfs about the ex's to really know where we stand.

 

1. was the break up open and honest, or did she pull imature stuff.If the ex calls you and screams at you and says it's over, it is probly temporary. If it's lasted more then 2 weeks, it's obviously not. If they where upfront and open and honest, believe what they told you.

 

2. are they the type of person who has low self esteem, or would play gamesIf there pety, and play games, something is really wrong here. At that point, it's time for you to run like hell. This is someone who will try to give you hope, just to hurt you. There really arn't alot of alternatives to this one.

 

3. Did they say never to call, or do they have someone else.Ok, unless it's a girl who's pissed, or your ex is being pushed and pressured by you so much that they just say {Mod Edit} it, the relastionship is over. Of course, if the other scenerio is happening, guess what? it aint looking to good.

 

4. Did they ask to be friends, and follow up on that. (after a while, do they call, and talk, and are interested).Have the time for girls, they just dont know. They talk themselfs into something, and then have doubts. Thats normal for all of us, however girls especially, will sit there and be lonley, and miss that thing you did. Once they stoped being pressured, pushed, pissed off and promised, they start to see what you had, and all the good times. So there not going to call right away. However if they all in a week or 3, and start talking, they still care. They plan to keep you as a friend. Some people find that to hard. It's also a good way to start over and get a healthy relastionship.

 

5. If they call, has it been the next day or after a week or a few weeks.If there already calling the next day, they either want to be friends, and haven't accepted the break up themselfs, or don't care. If it's been a few weeks, there taking there space. If its been a few months or years, they have gotten on with their lives. If they call right away, or after a long long time, chances are it aint going to happen.

 

6. Did they find someone else.Most guys will find a bounce back. If your a girl, accept that as part of most guys break up cycle. If, however, the guy or girl finds a new relastionship, it's over. If its right away, it hurts the most, but ALWAYS remember. If they find it right away, that means they haven't fixed them. There going to lose that person, and it's going to hurt.

 

7. Did they say, or explain in any way that they need space.Follow this scenerio. "I need some space, and i dont want to make plans about the future like last time, but we can still talk" For the next day, you call 5 times. There was an outage, and her phone was out. The next day you get "we are broken up". If you think they need space, give it to them. If you dont, still give it to them. If they really want to talk to you, they will get a hold of you. They are probly crying and under alot of stress with it as well. Not giving someone space is a sure fire way to push them away and piss them off.

 

8. How open and honest they are with you.If there lieing then there hiding something. If they where open and honest, it's a good idea to believe what they say. Often times people read inbetween the lines when there open and honest. If they say "I want to remain friends, and i would like you to keep in touch" and where just open about "We are over" chances are that they really want you to keep in touch, but just not now. After any long relastionship, people want space to sort themselfs out and miss you. If they don't miss you, it's over. And the only way to miss someone is not be there.

 

9. Was the relastionship healthy, if not, expect them not to jump right in.If the relastionship started off unhealthy, or ended unhealthy, or was unhealthy in between, guess what, one of you or both are not ready for a real relastionship. Something is wrong. You need to take a step back, and see whats really gone wrong. Know at this point, any talk about getting back together is to early. When you love someone, you share your life with them, they arn't your life. If you have jelously problems, or cheating, it's time to figure out them. Otherwise, you will be back, and done in the same amount of time. And you will end up getting hurt again, and you will blow all your chances.

 

10. Did you break up before?Some times a relastionship is unhealthy, and people really do want it to work. So much so that they keep giving it chances. If this is the case, resign yourself to not make any plans with it. If she wants you back, tell her if she wants it to work, that right now we gotta focus on us, and that you miss her, but it's to early to get back together. Often times if you broke up before, and got back together, you will end up back together again. Don't rush it, take this time, and probly last chance, to get your self up, and make sure you both are in a position to have a relastionship, and are ready to start it out healthy this time.

 

11. Did the break up happen after you didnt give them space?did you break the laws, and call them all the time? Did they finally say "look we are broken up!!" If at that point there still asking to keep in touch, it's a really good chance you just pissed them off and pushed them farther away.

 

12. Where they open and honest with the break up but refused to say it's over for ever?This is really 2 things. Either they really need space and time, and realize it's unhealthy, or they want to string you along. If their mature, and onest and open chances are there needing the space. IF not, and they have low self esteem, there stringing you. Either way, take this time and focus on you. Let your ex focus on itself. If you want to keep that hope, just make sure that your in a place when the time comes.

 

 

Why NC Works

Though this has been covered many times, i see things lacking from quite a few of them.

 

NC works on 3 differnt levels.

 

level 1 - You. NC lets you lose that dependancy that wants to call and beg. This means you get you back. If the relastionship broke, you both have some fixing to do before you can ever be back together. Take this time, and don't think about your EX. Put the "will we be back together" question out of your mind. The attitude is "I am not going to give up on it now, and i'm not going to try to make it work. Right now, i'm going to put it out of my mind and work on things i gotta work on." It's ok to shelf a problem. It's ok to deal with a feeling later. Think of it this way, if your shelf breaks, do you still go to work? Yes, and at work, you work. When you get home, it's time to take care of what needs to be taken care of, and deal with the shelf. The shelf will get fixed, but if you dont get to work, you don't get paid. Then you have nothing to bring to the table, and nothing to fix the shelf with.

 

level 2 - Getting her back. If there human, and especially females, she is missing you right now. That or she's so over you it's done, and you probly already know it. She can say she's happy without you, she can not display emotions, but the simple fact is, if the relastionship lasted any time and she invested anything into it, she's going to miss you at some point. Nothing is worse then having a bad day, and the person you talk to is gone. Valentines day is coming up. The person, even with another, will still remember what you two did on your valentines days. Eventually they will soften up a bit. Especially after you pushed, and pushed. See, time heals all wounds. If you pushed them, you pushed them away. They need that time to open back up.

 

3. Growing up. Each relastionship ends for a reason. Your going to end up focusing on yourself after a day or two of not calling. Thats healthy. They will as well. You will both get the chance to make some changes in your life. Half the time, they are enough to start things moving slowly.

 

If you decided you want to try to get her back

 

FIRST ASK YOURSELF THIS

 

3 REASONS YOU SHOULD BE TOGETHER?

3 REASONS YOU SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER?

 

if you CANNOT answer both, and get 6 total answers, 3 of each, dont read on. Your either delusional, or you can't find the good ones. There are always going to be things you like and dislike about someone. If you only see the like, you haven't taken the blinders off.

 

Here are your rules for engagement.

 

1. Don't whine or beg. Each time you whine or beg, your pushing them away. Your giving them a reason to reject you. No woman wants a weak whinny BF and no guy wants an obessive, needy GF. They are NEVER attractive.

 

2. Don't pressure them. Saying things like "I love you" or "i need an answer now" only puts more stress on an already stressfull situation for them. Remember, there life is changing also.

 

3. Walk in there shoes. If you whined, and said how miserable you are without them, remember, if they care, they feel like the lowlest life form on the planet. There are things you know your EX wouldn't react well to, so don't do them. Saying you had another GF to get em jelous, will probily make them jelous, and push them away. Would you want someone like that?

 

4. Remind them what a good catch you are by saying nothing. Having a good conversation, if your at that stage is awsome. Saying things like "I'm hot" isn't. Constantly reminding them about unhappy times, or about the relastionship isn't going to help either. A casual conversation about how you woke up, and got out of bed, and did your daily routine reminds them of you and things they miss. They arn't going to miss diamond rings, or the time you saved his mother from a burning car wreck, they will remember you breathing next to them, or that stupid thing you do with your foot.

 

5. Grow up. Most relastionships end because one party refuses to grow up. They either cheat, dont work, are emotionally dependant, possesive, jelous, annoying, the list goes on. If they have a small little glimmer of hope, reward them for keeping it. Let them know they wern't stupid for hanging on to it.

 

6. Don't be sneaky. Girls love to check emails, guy's love to check phone records. Don't. If you find something, your going to get hurt. If you don't there going to find out about it at some point and your going to get hurt. If you talk to all her friends, they will tell her, if you call his mom, she will tell him.

 

7. Give space. Some people need a week, others need a month. some even need 2 months. Don't wait around, but still respect this. Remember, this is XX amount of time for them as well. The longer things have been leading up to this, the longer they will probly need.

 

8. If there is a kid involved. Remember, right now your weak. do you want your kid to see that? Wait till you get some what stable, then talk. otherwise keep the conversations short.

 

9. Don't guilt trip. If they get back together, they will hate you till they dump you again.

 

10. Make your own terms. "For me right now, i only can be friends till i work on the things i gotta do to have a healthy relastionship". This is very important. Don't go breaking NC to tell them that either. If they call, tell them that. Tell em, you miss them, and you want to be together, but right now you can't even ask yourself that question till you work on you.

 

11. Trust them. If there was a valid reason for you to break up, your going to see it. Trust them, breaking up earlier is better then later in alot of cases. In all honesty, your relastionship had to have problems, their was a reason there, trust them that right now this is a good thing for both of you.

 

12. Get your confadence back. What i mean by this, is get your confadence back for you. If you smothered the person, or looked weak, you made a mistake. Confadence is attactive. It will give them reason to question if its permanent or not.

[boosted4life84]

Good post. There is a lot of truth in all of that. Thank you for that.

[Wandering_Sword]

This is good stuff

[hades]

Thanks, i wrote it more for me, because it helps me understand and believe them a bit better.

 

And for the record, cause i know this will come up, When i said think about your ex's feelings, and all that... I'm saying consider how they are taking things and see things as well, not to place it above how you feel.

[downbroken]

This is a very good post. I totally agree with on the no contact. It should be handled in stages and not as an iron clad way of life. And just to let you know used to be on this web site all the time. I recently got back with my ex and things are going good. I still get on here daily and I just read all the posts.

[ahhh2jz]

hades great post i just bookmarked this as well just in case!

[BONO]

Good stuff

 

Scruff