Boyfriend Sex Issues

[TiredMan]

That is a good first step. THe fact that he said that proves exactly what I was trying to say. No one likes feeling turned down. Somewhere along the line it became acceptable that guys get turned down and it is not. And some guys take it harder than others. His tantrums were clearly a manifestation of this hurt. I hope you do follow through though and it's not all talk. Or something you do (initiate) only in the beginning and then it dies off. Relationships are all about communication and compromise. I would also tell him to stop with the breaking up stuff when he is hurt, unless he really wants that to happen.

[TiredMan]

That, or find someone with a lower sex drive.

 

That works too but it's a very odd conversation to have during an initial date lol.

[heloladies21]

I guarantee this relationship is about to end in the near future. Everything OP says points towards that direction, it's only a matter of time.

 

As for what the bf should do and his perception of the situation, he doesn't understand what it means when a woman is not in the mood. It means she's not emotionally as interested enough to have sex as a woman's sex drive is so intimately tied into her emotional feelings for a guy. There's an underlying problem that needs to be explored and it can be a few different reasons. Only way to know is to talk to him about it.

[Berrygood]

I will try to keep up with my promise to him, he told me he would stop breaking it off over it as long as he sees some effort. I'm always up for a compromise, thats what being in a relationship is all about right? But, it's hard to change a habit, and it's also hard to change the way I think about initiation (I feel guys should always start). I think that finding someone at this age with a lower sex drive is quite hard to do. Aren't guys at their peak in their early 20's?

[Siriana]

He doesn't give me the silent treatment, he just gets upset, sometimes he walks away, his energy is different after I reject him.

 

That is what I meant under silent treatmant (didn't know any other word I could use). And I don't like it. Instead acting like a boy who didn't get the toy he could choose to communicate.

 

I just don't need it as much as he does

 

That is a problem. Usually a one that is a deal braker.

 

It's not as easy finding a new bf .The problem with telling him I'll make it better another day is that I've tried that before, and I guess it's my fault because I didn't make it WONDERFUL.

 

Please, don't get offended but I see some self-esteem issues here.

 

BTW It doesn't have to be wonderful every single time - sometimes it's just blaaaaah.

 

I have spoken to him today about this, I told him I will be willing to initiate more often, because at this point I hardly do it.

 

I missed that earlier, sorry. Well that is also a part of problem - saying often no and never initiating things after that is not good.

It is not interesting when only one person has to initate things.

And than that very same person gets rejected a lot.

If you switch roles from time to time, it's o.k. if he says no to you and you say no to him. Than it's fair and balanced.

 

he said before there was never a compromise, he felt like I said no I dont want to have sex, but I never made an effort to do things he liked me to do later.

 

Yeah, I see his point. As I said - if you're not in a mood tell it (my way) and keep in mind it's your turn to initiate than.

[Berrygood]

Syrix, thank you for putting so much attention to my problem, I really really appreciate everyones elses advice. It's funny because he does act like a little kids that doesn't get his toy, and I've actually used that to explain to him how he acts. We've talked about it in every which way he just doesnt understand why I have a lower sex drive, I guess it's because he has unrealistic ideas of women since he's been with just me.

[Berrygood]

Either way, I'm willing to try, and if he doesn't want to compromise, and in the end he doesn't change the way he reacts then I am going to have to leave. If it's not about validation or feeling wanted like iceman and my bf say then what else could it be? I'll do my part, but at this point thats all I can give.

[candy604]

hey at least u can look it in a more positive light, that after 6 years of dating, he's still very much attracted to you

[EvaGina]

Either way, I'm willing to try, and if he doesn't want to compromise, and in the end he doesn't change the way he reacts then I am going to have to leave. If it's not about validation or feeling wanted like iceman and my bf say then what else could it be? I'll do my part, but at this point thats all I can give.

 

Of course its about him feeling wanted and loved. But he is going to have to be a big boy and meet you in the middle instead of having a wah-wah becuase its not all his way

 

Then you can both feel good about it

[Berrygood]

I guess I am lucky he's still attracted to me, and it's also hard to leave him because I think we still have alot of chemistry and sparks fly from tim eto time. But yes, hopefully he can meet me half way. I talked to him today about it, and he says he'll be more understanding, but as the day goes on for some reason he's getting sad. He's telling me that I'm giving him something in order to get something for me (I initiate, while he has to be understanding the times I don't want to have sex). I told him to think about everything, and if he decides he can't compromise then I understand, and we should break up. I will keep everyone posted on whats happening. I'm going to talk to him more after I get out of my class. Thank you guys, I honestly don't feel like I'm going to pull my hair out this time.

[TiredMan]

You mentioned in the beginning you used to have it all the time and he became accustomed to it. My question is why wouldn't he? Let me put it another way so maybe it might be easier to see. If your b/f told her that he loved you all the time in the beginning, and now you have to basically force him to tell you it, wouldn't you be hurt as well?

 

If you had a low drive and you guys never had a lot, then he can't really start complaining NOW. But if something changes, no one can blame him for being hurt by this. And honestly, I know that if the situation was reversed, where there was sex all the time and then the man was the one who started turning it down a lot, many women out there would think he was cheating.

[doyathink]

But she also admits that when she does try, he never says no and if he had she would be incredibly hurt. Why shouldn't he as well when she turns him down?

 

And if someone is never really in the mood, they shouldn't be in a relationship and/or be surprised the other person gets hurt by it.

 

She didn't say that she is 'never' in the mood. But I asked you a question!

What do you suggest she say to him when she isn't? Everyone has times that they aren't in the mood...everyone. So, what do you think she should say to him if she isn't?

[TiredMan]

She didn't say that she is 'never' in the mood. But I asked you a question!

What do you suggest she say to him when she isn't? Everyone has times that they aren't in the mood...everyone. So, what do you think she should say to him if she isn't?

 

She can tell him what she is telling him, the truth. But at the same time, she can't be surprised by his reaction either. If someone does something and then slows down considerably, anyone would be hurt by this. But she also admits she rarely initiates because she is shy and this is something she told him she would work on.

 

When she told her story, I threw myself into the guy's shoes. And his reactions (the anger) told me he was feeling very neglected and hurt.

[EvaGina]

I wonder if he does anything to turn her on....

Putting a bit of effort in can make all the difference

slowly undressing her and kissing her instead of pawing her chest and tugging her onto the bed...

 

its all in the details

[doyathink]

She can tell him what she is telling him, the truth. But at the same time, she can't be surprised by his reaction either. If someone does something and then slows down considerably, anyone would be hurt by this. But she also admits she rarely initiates because she is shy and this is something she told him she would work on.

 

When she told her story, I threw myself into the guy's shoes. And his reactions (the anger) told me he was feeling very neglected and hurt.

 

Thanks

I just wanted to hear what you would do in a situation like this. If you weren't in the mood...what you would tell your gf...

 

I really didn't need you to tell your side again....but thats cool too....lol

[Berrygood]

He does take his time with me, he likes kissing me all over, putting candles on, now that I write about it I feel like he does put alot of effort, at this point I feel selfish when I tell him no, and then the reinforcement I get from him that I'm being selfish in not having sex with him. What do I do when I'm just not in the mood, why can't he just accept a no? Why can't he just be okay with it if I am going to make an effort to initiate so he feels wanted. He says he doesn't believe I'll try, and that hes been wanting me to do this for awhile. but it never got through to me up until I started writing on this forum.

 

The reason why I feel like we had sex more often in the beginning of our relationship is because I saw him considerably less than I do now, before I would only see him twice a week, and of course we had sex all of those times. Now the time when I see him has increased, and so since I gave it to him whenever I saw him I guess he expects the same even though I see him almost everyday.

 

I haven't spoken to him in a few hours, and like I said before, he told me he would be understanding, but as the day passes he's getting upset again, I told him to think about what I'm saying, and tell me if he wants to compromise...I'm hoping he'll call me soon.

[TiredMan]

Thanks

I just wanted to hear what you would do in a situation like this. If you weren't in the mood...what you would tell your gf...

 

I really didn't need you to tell your side again....but thats cool too....lol

 

I have told her I don't want to and she accepts it. It's usually not "mood" per se but more like I'm hurting from an injury from sports or working out so sex is tougher at that time.

 

I think his thing is that they used to have it all the time as she said and now they don't, so he's like "hey what happened" and feels rejected, which is natural.

 

I'm glad she is gonna try to initiate more. He also needs to stop his leaving tantrums. He can be upset without leaving and coming back.

[doyathink]

Does he get upset with you when you tell him 'no' or ' I don't want to' in other areas of your life?

 

Like say, he wants to go out and you don't...does he get upset with that too?

 

I agree he may feel 'rejected'...at the same time I wonder if he's just putting a guilt trip on her because he wants it and he's not getting his way all the time.

[TiredMan]

I always say sex dies down while in a relationship. And almost always, the other person feels rejected/hurt by it. Like if he used to always hold your hand and kiss you, but then just stopped feeling like doing that, wouldn't you be hurt by it? It's the same type of hurt.

 

I'm sure he'll call u. You have gone through a lot together. But don't just say you will do something (for him as well), you have to follow through and keep following through. If not, then it's just all talk. You know?

[Berrygood]

of course, I really do want to try not only for him but for me too, initiation in the bedroom can help me out in other aspects of my life especially since I can be shy at times.

[TiredMan]

of course, I really do want to try not only for him but for me too, initiation in the bedroom can help me out in other aspects of my life especially since I can be shy at times.

 

Good for you! I say go for it!

[Berrygood]

Okay, so we talked and it seems okay right now, but it also feels a little delicate. We had this schedule before where I didn't see him three days out of the week just so that I could have some time to myself, and also so that I could do my readings and work for class. In those three days we wouldnt have sex, it's something that was understood since when I saw him he expected sex. So he told me tonight that he is willing to try and not be upset when I say no, but the understood no sex thing on the days I dont see him shouldnt exist anymore. Do you guys think that's okay? I told him at this point that would be fine, as long as when I say no he can be understand since I am going to try and initiate more often so he feels wanted.