I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but...

[need2bme]

every once in a while it pops into my head and YES, I know that this feeling shall go by the wayside with time, as well.

 

However:

 

Has anyone ever thought that they gave SO much of what they could, money, time, help, advice and on and on and on, to the ex and as soon as the ex no longer seemed to need any of that (not the emotional stuff, but stuff done to basically help them survive and help their family) they just bailed?

 

This is what agrivates me to no end. Sure, I don't want anything in return and sure, I stuck around when I felt it happening, but dang man!!!!!!

 

I helped with finances, moving, driving, loaning of things that usually got messed up, living with, arranging stuff, loans, paying more money than I should have for rent, letting her and family members live with me for free; you name it and I did it.

 

Sure, I will admit that I was frustrated with our relationship and I will absolutely admit that I did quite a bit of crap to make her feel bad (although I don't remember doing any of it intentionally), but almost as soon as she no longer needed me or my help, I was gone and she "had felt like this for almost 2 years".

 

Then why not leave long ago? I know I have posted about this before, but I feel like I really got used sometimes. It just seems so coincidental in timing.

 

Maybe it is just my mind playing tricks on me....aw man homey, my mind is playin' tricks on me....

[sidehop]

Sometimes you just have to say no when you feel don't comfortable or you don't feel that it's necessary for you to go out of your way to help someone. It's the self respect & boundary you may be lacking, and basically overly being nice.

 

And don't take my response negatively or personal because I can relate since I'm a bit of a nice guy sometimes and I want to help people but in the past I got hurt really bad. I'm doing better by saying no when I know I should and not let people take an advantage of me.

 

With that said, I would bring yourself #1 first whether you're alone or you start dating someone

[Dako]

I think it's a natural part of getting over a relationship to acknowledge what effort went into it.

[need2bme]

I feel what you guys are saying and know that is is probably a normal part of the process, but, SERIOUSLY...

 

if it were not for me, she would have gone under many times. All she did was help her family (which yes, I know is a good thing) and more than forgot about me/us on numerous occasions.

 

I helped her out of so many jams man!!

 

I did it because I wanted nothing bad to happen to her. I felt as if I wanted to take care of her. Isn't that what you do when you love someone?

 

So, I leave for a different area for another job to keep us afloat and she goes and finds someone else and moves them in.

 

If she was feeling as if she wanted to break up, for 2 years (which is coincedentally the amount of time needed to get rid of her place, which I helped arrange) then she should have done it then...

 

it just all fell into place all too nicely.

[Dako]

I hear you. My ex had me doing big projects to fix up the house, then dumped me. LOL. I feel like a sucker when I go over there.

 

Still, hindsight's always 20-20.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

The reason you feel used is because you were. That is the simple truth of it. But you cannot blame her for this. You have to look at your side of the street and think about this.

 

It's important to remember that there is a responsible way to help people - way that is truly good for them....and then there's another way that's not so helpful to either party - and that's called enabling.

 

Sometimes you have to let people feel the consequences of their actions. No one changes until the pain of the staying the same is greater than the pain of change. Also, you cannot fix people. If they get themselves into a jam, the adult thing to do is get themselves out of it.

 

You can still care, you can still help in way that is REASONABLE, but you shouldn't drain yourself to help them out - they should be helping themselves.

[blender]

I really do believe it's important to look at the "timing' of how things happen in a relationship, and although she might not have "used you" on purpose, probably wasn't her intention at all, but more because of her own life pattern of "survival" and this pattern of hers will NOT end with you... it's a part of "her".

 

so be proud of what you "gave" to the relationship and you can now be "grateful" that you're no longer the one doing so... because she will keep running into "herself" no matter who she is with.. and this pattern of hers will repeat itself..even with "mr. new guy"... it will most likely follow the same pattern, especially since she went into it so quickly...that is a clear sign, that her "life pattern" is in control here...

 

so try not to take what she did personally, (I know that's a tough one, but it's true) she most likely would have gone through this same process no matter who the man was in her life....it says so much more about her than it does about you..

 

So the opportunity your heartache can provide is one of learning about yourself, and perhaps your own "patterns"...be aware of your "rescue" type of love towards a woman.. and find someone who is on the same playing field as you, emotionally, spiritually, respectfully, who challenges you in a healthy loving way, encourages you to be the BEST for yourself, to follow your dreams and who wants to SHARE life's happiness and burdens. This is love. YOU deserve it!!!

 

But it takes someone who can "emotionally understand and appreciate this kind of love in THEMSELVES" and I don't think she was "emotionally capable" of this... that won't be cured by any man.. she'd have to make the choice to be on her own for awhile FIRST and do the self work.

 

And it seems to me from all you are writing/posting YOU are on your own, you are trying to find some "answers/reasons" in order to learn from all this, understand it, release it, let go and find a healthier more respectful fulfilling love.

 

We are all a work in progress... and "progress" is the key word... some people don't want to face any "progress" so they just repeat "patterns".. sadly that's thier loss.. not yours.

 

learning about yourself + accepting/respecting yourself = self loving progress

 

This emotional equation leads to miracles.

 

You are on the road to healing.... best, Blender

[need2bme]

Blender, I need to be paying you, instead of my therapist.

 

OK, I understand and I also think that part of me feels bad about even feeling used, because I am sure that she, in her own words "loved me in her own way". I also understand that we have to own what is ours.

 

I cannot own the way she treated me, but I can own how I reacted and what I said and did.

 

As long as I correct things I can, then I am honoring our relationship. I am trying my best not to think of her in a bad light, but I do have to realize what happened and how she ended up doing things.

 

I know in her heart, she is a good person, but I think all I knew how to show at the time and all she knew how to accept, was her being rescued.

 

You are right though. The only other long term relationship she had, was very similar in that he was with her and her family when she was very young. I think she saw him as a rescuer as well.

 

I think her being with me, allowed her to run from her family. Now that in her words, "I taught her to stand up for herself", I think she just did not need me anymore.

 

That, my good counselor is something she will have to figure out now for herself.

[dopexile]

Sounds like you basically got used man... but you're not the first one to be a sucker in love that's for sure... all you can do is learn from the negative experience and turn it into a positive in your life... next time be sure to stand up for yourself, stand your ground, and not get used.

[blender]

Of course she's a "good person", and I don't believe she "used" you in any intentional way.. and I know you know now that it's was just her "pattern" and it was in place way before you came along and it appears to be playing out the same way now..with this moving so quickly into another 'relationship"

 

And yes you got so much out of this relationship too.. it might not have been what "you" gave to it, but your need to play a certain "role" in her life might be what made you fall in love with her too... in other words you were both getting your "needs" met....and sometimes if the "needs' are not "healthy" well the love isn't either...

 

did she love you? absolutely... but Love is healthiest when you "feel need for someone because you love them and not that you love them because you need them".. (you'll have to read that a few times) and honestly for some people they don't know the difference.. because it's still "love" but is it a "healthy realistic long lasting love"?

[Eileen101]

I think that that is one of the hardest parts of dealing with a breakup that was from a relationship that was very unhealthy and unbalanced. I like to call it "over extending" myself. I have learned that if I feel used basically it is because I put myself there by over extending myself. I ended up being in the "hole" so to speak. Negative, minus, whatever you want to call it. I ended up being shorted because I gave too much but the only person I could be upset with for that was me. I knew or felt that twang of a feeling inside that more or less let me know that I was doing way more than what I should be, especially if I wasnt being reciprocated by this other person. It was or just is a need of ours to be wanted or needed and we usually try to secure that feeling with the person that we are with by "doing" for them so that they will depend on us or rely on us to be there for them when really all we are doing is setting ourselves up for a feeling of being used. Don't get me wrong. There have been a lot of times when I "did" for someone and didn't expect anything in return and it was very rewarding even if I knew or know that this person is more or less taking advantage of me. I have or will knowingly over extend myself just to feel needed and loved. But I think we all do it and it is very normal. Like blender said "try not to take it personal" we all get what we need or try to in one way or another and other people is usually where that comes from. Living, learning and loving can be so complicated at times that it feels like a continual empty pit, but I try to believe that it is all worth it in one way or another just for the simple fact that we all use eachother daily just to get through this thing called life.=]=]. Iam no expert thats for sure, if anything I am one of the worst for doing this type of thing. I really can relate to what you are saying though so I just wanted to share that you are not alone in feeling this way. Hopefully we can learn to do what another post said and that is help out in a healthy way and not a co-dependent way by being an enabler. That is really hard for loving people to do. I know for me I usually end up feeling like I can't do enough for the person I am with. It would be great if we could find a partner who felt the same!=] Hopefully you will find a feeling of resolve on this. I am sure you will. Eileen.