What would you ladies want?

[mease87]

If you were having a great relationship with a guy for a while 11months, you went away to college(hour away), to start off, things were still good, But over time the guy seemed needy when you were away, he got jeaouls more and more about things like boys in your room ect. Got upset when you didnt call as much cause you got more and more friends. Basically he seems to not trust you. and you break it off with him.

 

i know not to call her or bug her anymore. and i know that she will talk to me eventually cause shes not the kind of person , but i feel like i might have to initaite it first.

 

*Would you think more about him if he wasnt online all the time (practically not at all) droped off the face of the earth so to speak

 

* would you want him to eventually contact you in say 1 month? 4 months? 1 Year?

 

*Would you put up happy away messges like everything is better then fine ( thats what shes doing and i cant understand why shes so happy its only been 2 weeks since the break up )

 

*Would you still care for him? Would you think he can change ever?

 

* would you think about giving him a second chance.... ever? Knowing hes a good person and just made mistakes?

 

* Would you contact him if he didnt contact you? would you have delted his AOL screen name?

 

* And lastly, would you forget him? would you not think about him anymore?

 

* basically if this situation happen to you, what would you want most? i know there is not a good chance of winning her back, but if there was a chance. what would you want in order for that chance to be most possible?

[EvaGina]

Imo, she is happy atm becuase she is feeling the releif of being free from scrutiny and she hasnt started missing you yet.

 

I say give her time. She was probably hurt and insulted that you didnt trust her and is enjoying her time at uni.

 

She might contact you... but not for a while. I would say that she WOULD think you could change, but I cant say anything about giving you another chance.

[mease87]

Thank you for your opinion... and your right, i think she feels free and doesnt want to even think about us back together. everything is going well for her now, so why think about me and the bad stuff. i just hope one day she think about all the good stuff.

 

More opinions from you ladies would really help me. thank you.

[dansbabe]

i think the happy messages are her way of telling u that she is moving on with her life,,,dun be fooled though, most of the time these msges are just pretend,,,i have done that alot to show my ex that i'm over him completely when i was actually sitting in my roon crying...and i kinda am in ur situation too,,,i moved away last year to another city where i go to school, and i live alone (no parents),,,wat u have to understand is, and this is specially true if she is in her first year away and live in dorm, most people wanna experience when they start living alone,,they dun wanna be tied down,,they wanna go out and have fun and make friends,,,this doesn't mean that they are cheating,,but i remember so many couples breaking up only a month into the school year when i was in my first year...i ended a relationship too..

My advise to u is to just stop contacting her but dun fall of the face of the earth eithr,,,go on with ur life like nothing has happened...and when part time is over, which will be soon, she will come back to you.

Hope this helps

[mease87]

thank you, it does help, probly cause you said she will come back, but i know its not likely... i just never dumped someone before and dont know what its like for them and if they are as happy as they seem. and especailly someone in her situtaion. She is a very smart and great girl... straight A's church going, loving person.. and your right i feel like she just wants to go out and not be restrained. and the trust thing was a big issue and i know it. i just feel like in a month or so i should just say hi, and see how things are, not talk aboutt the realtionship and leave it like that. i know she will talk to me one day. just think she would be to scared or worried about contacting me first.

 

 

anyway the more post by you ladies the more it helps me get insight... thank you guys so much. i am really learning alot and hope i can be strong enough to do NC...

[anggrace]

Well, what we would want might not be what she wants. We're all so different and we really don't know the whole situation. How can we know what she wants? How can you know? I think what you need to do is look at the reasons why she left you; jealousy, being needy, and whatever else she might of expressed. If you think you might have some problems in these areas, you need to look into why and work on them. You need time alone, w/o her consuming your thoughts, to do that. This way, if she does come back, you will have grown as a person and mabey it will be better for the two of you. If she doesn't, youll be better prepared for the next relationship.

[mease87]

your right, even if she called me right now i know that i need more time to myself, need more time to fix my insecure ways. my biggest fear right now is her not wanting me back, but her not talking to me when i contact her. She is not a bad person, i made mistakes that i need to work on. Just wish she would contact me one day, i feel as all of what we were meant nothing. i still wonder if she thinks about me when shes alone?.... before she goes to bed?

 

And i still dont know if its best to sign on my new screen name and talk to my friends and so she never sees that im online anymore, or if i should just contiune on my screen name and just not look at hers. so if she ever wanted to contact me she could...

[mease87]

Such a hard time for me, its my birthday today, and valentines day is coming up, i just want to give up somtimes. its so hard. i miss her. o well i cant do anything about it... never thought i would turn 20years old all depressed

[boston23]

Happy Belated Birthday!! My birthday was last Saturday...it was definitely a tough day for me, but I'm actually feeling much better now. As for Valentine's day...I've decided to send myself a Valentine's Day card in the mail. Other than that, I'm going to try to ignore the day. We'll see how that goes...

 

In terms of what your ex needs/wants from you right now is definitely NC. Don't worry about whether she wouldn't feel comfortable contacting you, if she really does want to contact you, she will figure out a way (there are always random excuses you can make up to get in contact with an ex...I know!). I think NC is perfect for your situation because it's going to help you heal and because it's actually going to show her that what she had a problem with in the relationship (the neediness, the worrying) isn't an issue anymore. NC will show her that you aren't going to be repeating the same mistakes again.

 

Good luck with all of this!

[mease87]

yea i agree, it will show her that. but i made the mistake of not trusting her when i absoulty should have. i dont see how doing NC will help show her i trust her. cause trust takes a long time to gain, especaily gain back.

[mease87]

i cant seem to stop looking at her away messages and it makes me feel worse when i do... like today its my birthday and she know it, every away message this week has had a smiley face next to anything. like Doing homework or movie then sleep or just anything has a smiley. its only been about 3 weeks. is she really that much happier without me? or is she just trying to be happy and acting like she is. Does she even think about me anymore? even when shes alone? or before bed? we were together 11 months. how can she not miss me at all? i just want to know how shes feeling. i know that no one can ever tell. but how would you ladies feel? if you were doing those things like she was, why would you do it?

[KittyKat99]

hmm

i think backing wayyyy off for a bit would be good

that would show her that you respect her and her choices

it will also show you are willing to learn from your mistakes

after a while tho just strike up some friendly conversation

even if you never get back together you dont want to lose a friend right?

besides

she may realize that you deserve a second chance!

good luck ^^

 

also- i think she really does miss you

but is trying to convince herself she doesnt

to help herself feel better

if i'm right she won't be able to keep it up forever

[mease87]

thank you so much guys.... i really would like a friend on this fourm to talk to on AIM, you are all great and i would appricaite it. i promise im not a weirdo and i wont bug ya all the time... but having a girls point of view would be great.

 

link removed

 

thats is me ^

 

xmeasex is my screen name. if anyone would be willing to talk to me on there. i know it kinda weird. but you guys and girls are helping me more then you know. i thank you so much, plus its my birthday today. you have to at least I.M me once. LOL

 

you said after a while make friendly conversation... i want to do that, but i dont know how long she needs in order to feel comfortable with me doing that? a month, 6 months? a year? i just dont want to talk to her and her not respond back. its been about 3 weeks since the breakup. do you think in one more month it would be to soon to contact her? when would be good do you think? and explain more about shes trying to convince hersefl she doesnt miss me? what do you mean, why would she do that?

[boston23]

Well I don't think NC is going to necessarily show her that you can trust her; you're not together in a relationship so there's nothing that you need to trust her about...she's leading her life, you're leading yours.

 

But I do think that NC will help show her that you're no longer feeling the need to contact her all of the time. Give it a try for a while, and then when you feel ready you can contact her (although I would recommend a couple of months, really).

 

It's tough to do NC, but I really think that it's the best choice for you. Trying to convince her that you can now trust her is not going to make her think that you suddenly can do it. You need to first show her that you've changed your way of thinking, and then approach the subject later on.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[mease87]

Thanks you so much for all the advice, with each post and especially from your girls, i feel better and have more understanding. any other ladies out there want to comment please do. your helping me out so much. i appricatiate all of you greatly.

[Parsley]

Hello, thought I'd drop my opinion on your original questions in.

 

I already think about my ex a lot...he hasn't been able to be online for a long time, so when I do see he's online it makes me think about him more, and have to force myself not to speak to him. If this is from the view of a dumper...I guess part of me would wonder about him a lot, but I wouldn't be overly surprised if they weren't online. I'd assume they had blocked me so they didn't have to worry about me talking to them unexpectedly.

 

Again...from my perspective, I wasn't expecting my ex to contact me at all. It made it much more of a horrible shock to the system when he did. From the other perspective, I reckon I would want to hear from them, but again, I wouldn't be surprised and hurt if they didn't.

 

I personally have tried to keep my feelings neutral with regards to msn names etc..used quotes from me or my friends. I don't want to pretend I'm happy when I'm clearly not, but then I don't want to be broadcasting to everyone on my list (most of whom I haven't spoken to in years) that my heart got broken. I honestly don't know what's running through her mind when she puts up those messages. It seems like a cold, heartless thing to do - knowing you are hurting and can see them.

 

I do still care for my ex...a lot. I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I have no idea whether he'll ever change, and even if he did, if I could trust that that change would be permanent. I hope that he can...if not for me but for others after me.

 

I'd think long and hard before giving him a second chance. Like I said, I don't know if I can trust him anymore. If I was the dumper...it would all depend on the reasons. If I could honestly know that he truly truly had changed, I may attempt friendship and see what happens. With that I'd have a chance to see whether or not those changes can last.

 

I haven't contacted him without having had contact from him. Once he started ignoring me, I stopped instantly. It hurt too much to know that he was ignoring me, and didn't care that it hurt me. If I was the dumper, I would probably be the one to initiate contact. I've never been the dumper though, this question is really difficult to put myself into that position for.

 

Oh how I wish I could just forget him. I assumed that my ex had just forgotten about me...dumped me and then moved on with his life. But then he contacted me, saying he missed me. It screwed me up completely, and I hated knowing that he hadn't just forgotten me.

 

Because of the way things ended between us...I want either to still be together, or just past this. I don't want to have to think about any of it anymore.

 

I don't know if any of that will have helped? It's just another lady opinion!

 

Btw....you are so totally myspace! A picture in the mirror!

[mease87]

Thak you for you point of views, once agian it is helping me get better. BTW, what does im tottaly myspace mean? LOL

[Parsley]

Lol....maybe that phrase is a little less prominent outside of England (or possibly Kent? Who knows.) Totally myspace. Do you know about 'scene kids?' Cause scene kids, are TOTALLY myspace. More than you, lol.

 

If you're totally myspace you do the whole pictures in the mirror, pictures in black and white, pictures not looking at the camera, and all that jazz. I say it in jest to you. Though there are plenty of people I know who take myspace TOO seriously.

 

Slightly off-topic, sorry.

 

How is your situation now?

[mease87]

So far i have made a new screen name so she doesnt see that im online anymore. (maybe that will make her think about me more if she never knows what im doing or where i am. also just started not lookin at her away messages and facebook. took her off myspace as a friend so she cant see what im doing that way either. i mean she took me off as a friend on facebook, which tore me up inside, the fact that she doesnt even want to be my friend. But over i have ups and downs. i generally still wake up 3 weeks later very sad, and think about her and feels like i just woke up from a bad dream

[Parsley]

*hug*

At the moment it just feels so endless doesn't it? I keep going from being really quite happy to suddenly noticing that I'm crying. I just have to trust everyone here telling me that it will pass. And you have to trust me trusting them

 

The thing is...you can't do things with what she will think of it in mind. It took me so long to stop...and I doubt I actually have completely stopped. But when you finally stop thinking that you new display picture will be the one that prompts a phone call or whatever, it does feel good. Even if it only happens once, and then when you do something else you're back to having her in your mind.

 

I swear everyone's a lot more masochistic than they like to think.

[mease87]

Yea, I know, the only thing that is keeping me from being a tottal wreck is hoping that one day she will call me or contact me online. even if we dont get back together. i still love her very much as a person, and dont want her out of my life.

 

i just wonder if missing me has kicked in yet? 3 weeks to soon?

and if she thinks about me beofre bed or when shes alone, like the good stuff and not the bad.

 

its only been about 3 weeeks since and i just hope she thinks about me in a good way soon. or een at all. i dont want her to tottaly aviod me forever. which is why i think i haev to make contact in like 2 months or so

[mease87]

And being an hour away at college, makes it so much easier for her i think because shes surrounded by new boys and never has to see me agian.

[Parsley]

I really wish I could go back to uni. I'm sick of being home, I want to be out with my friends again, like you said surrounded by new guys.

 

My ex contacted me about umm 5 weeks after he dumped me, saying that he missed me. And I've got to say...it set me back so far, I almost hate him for it. I had convinced myself that he didn't think of me at all, let alone miss me, and the that the chances of him contacting me were slim to nil. So when he did...it threw me completely off kilter. Where before I didn't expect or hope he would text me, now I can't help everytime I check my phone. I didn't really want to get back with him before he did that, and now I miss him so much it pains me.

 

Be careful what you wish for.

[mease87]

My worry is that , that would never happen to me. i want her to contact me one day. like in 2-3 months. Im just so scared she never will. like in 6 months to a year. and by then she will have another boyfriend and there will be no chance of us being agian. If you dumped someone, for reasons of him being jeaouls and not trusting you fully and being an ahour away at college, would you ever contact him ? would it be really hard to? would you wish he would contact you first?

[Parsley]

Hmm. I'm not really sure. I guess in a way I'd want him to contact me first, but I'd also not want him to at the very same time.

 

I think maybe in about 2-3 months time if you were going to contact her it would be easier on both of you. And I know I'm going to sound like a broken record here, but NC is just what you need. Of course you've had the time since you broken up to re-evaluate everything, and see things that you might want to change or whatever. But the time gives you a chance to build yourelf back up again, so that if you do decide you want to try again you will be strong enough to carry on should she say that it isn't ging to happen.