I'm about ready to EXPLODE

[GQstatus]

Background: Me and my current gf were together for a year, lived together 10months, and broke up over stupid superficial things. (Her not wanting to move with me, me being stubborn, her not knwoing what she "wanted" etc). We split, and I moved back to my homestate, without her.

 

Apart for 4 months, she initiated almost all contact. Always asking me a million questions about my life. Who I'm seeing, where I'm going, am I with someone new etc. When I asked the same, she always insisted she wasn't with anyone. Well come to find out, she was, and lied about it to me. Which I still don't understand since we werent together. I was a little mad about her lying, and simply wished her luck with her new guy. (real piece of crap guy might I add).

 

3 weeks after I found out, I get a phone call. She's in tears, hysteric, and begs to come see me. Telling me she made a mistake. I agreed to let her come (Back in early Nov), and we slowly started getting back. We had a great time, she apologised over and over. How she was so dependent on me, loved and cared for me so much, and didn't like feeling that way. How she thought if we broke up, she'd get over me. Then explained it just made her realize how much she truly does love me, and wants to be with me.

 

I should let it be known she comes from a very dysfunctional background. Was abused, sexually, and physically as a child buy a family member. And still to this day has a hard time dealing with that.

 

So since Nov, we've had this long distance thing. She came out again over the New Years to visit for a week. We had a BLAST. And I really felt as if we'd reconnected again like old times. We talked about us, and what was going to happen. And before she left told me she wants to move to be with me afterall. That she wants to go to school here, and as soon as I get my own place she wants to move here. (Which should be March).

 

So the time comes for her to leave. We cry, hug, and say our goodbyes. The next 2 weeks, phone calls were 4-5 a day. Talked everynight til one of us fell asleep. Talked about how crazy things between have been over the past year and a half. And started talking about her coming out for V-day, then hopefully being moved here by March. Everything was going great.

 

Until about a week or two ago. We started arguing once again over stupid things. She likes to smoke pot (I quit when I was 18, now 23), and I hate the way she is when she's high. She's impossible to talk to, and is rather annoying. But I deal, because I'm an avid drinker (And she hates when I drink). But the past couple weeks, the late night calls have stopped. This was an issue in the beginning of our relationship a year ago, her going out and coming home at 4-5 am too messed up to call, and just passes out.

 

Now it seems to be happening again. And to be honest I'm starting to think she may be talking to another guy. I'm not an idiot, and cheated on a couple gf's in my younger years, and know what the signs are. Every night she doesn't call it gets my blood pumping more and more. The next day she'll call, and we get into a heated argument. Her always giving me some bs excuse, and me calling her on it.

 

I got fed up last week, after about 4 days straight of her not calling at night, I called her phone and couldnt get an answer. So I simply left a message saying "Hope you had a good night. I'm done playing games with you, so don't bother calling back". She called from 2am til 9am the next morning.

 

Finally I answered, to her sobbing like a baby. And oddly I was as calm as could be and said "Why are you crying". Her response "WhAT DO YOU MEAN WHY AM I CRYING YOU JUST DUMPED ME OVER SOME BS!" I explained to her 2 weeks of the same crap isn't BS, and I'm not going to put up with it. That she came back to ME after dumping me, and now wants to start playing games after only a few months?

 

Conversation went a little something like this:

Her: So what, you're dumping me?

Me: I don't know what else to do, you keep on doing the same crap

Her: You don't know what I've been dealing with here. My mom giving me crap for wanting to move there, trying to get me to go to a diff school, bla bla bla

Me: I'm dealing with the same things. Trying to figure out OUR life together

Her: So tell me now, are you dumping me or not..I dont want to sit and think about this all day

Me: It isn't all that easy

Her: starts crying again:

Me: Do I WANT to break up with you? No, I want things to WORK, I want US to work on things together

Her: Do you think I'd agree to move there if I didnt want things to work????!!!!

Her: Do you still want me to come for V day?

Me: That's really up to you, how about you take the 2 weeks from now until then to figure out what YOU want, and tell me when you get here.

Her: I dont need time to figure out what I want!!! I want you!!

 

Went on like this for a good hour.Us arguing over her not calling. And her telling me she's sick of everytime she calls I have something to b***h about. Which I wouldn't have anything to b***h about if she'd just call!

We agree on her coming here, and I buy her ticket. Which now I wish I wouldn't have. Because guess what? 4-5 days later she's doing it again!!!

 

And now, I'm left with her ticket, that is non-refundable. I don't get this crap at all. I can't even get excited about her coming here, because I can't stop thinking of her bs. I'm at my wits end, and really don't know where to go from here. I talked to her early on today, she was going to a superbowl party with her family and I jokingly said "So am I going to hear from you tonight then". She responded laughing "Yes, you'll hear from me tonight..I love you"......130am no phone call.

 

I'm seriously about ready to blow!

[MrSparky]

A few things that jump out:

 

- Physically and Sexually Abused: The results of which can be anything (as you'd know) from detachment, scared of committment, extremely clingy (the opposite), someone who gets into bad relationships, etc etc.

 

- She's very dependent on you - sounds like she wants her freedom, her life - hell, perhaps even other partners - but wants you as the security she's never had from anywhere else. She's terrified of losing you as the security figure, but maybe not so terrified of losing you as the partner?

 

- You argue a lot - most of it sounds like it's actually you expecting more than she's providing. And it sounds like she's a loose cannon who isn't even keeping the most basic of promisses. So - perhaps you need to expect slightly less, and she needs to give slightly more. But I can't help feeling that You're expecting what most people would expect, and she is in her own world.

 

- You guys didn't work out living together - though it'd drive even superb relationships to breaking point in a lot of cases. But is living together again a good idea?

 

- You've been having a Long Distance Relationship for a short while now, and clearly the separation isn't helping - she has her real life where she lives, and you expect her real life to merge with yours even though you're physically far apart.Your expectations are normal - she perhaps cannot make the same connection

 

- Do you trust her? There seems to be an underlying element of "is she sleeping around" (or similar). Although, with childhood abuse, sexual promiscuity isn't uncommon, is that something you could live with? Do you genuinely trust her, or do you want to trust her because you care about her?

 

This sounds like it could be a relationship that replays the same arguments over and over - she is unlikely to change in the near future, perhaps ever, and you are always going to want more than she can offer on a regular and consistant basis.

 

I also can guarantee that if you say you want out, for good, that it would be near impossible - if she's very dependent on you, that'll be extremely hard for her to accept. Dumping you was perhaps in her (unknowingly) strong period when she thought she could do without that safety net.

[friscodj]

Hey GQ-

 

You need to blow I think my friend. Reaching ground zero with frustration is the only way to develop the deep conviction necessary to truly and finally break free from this absolutely unhealthy emotional roller coaster you are on.

 

That is an understatement...this thing sounds more like you guys are doing emotional aerial acrobatics in F-16s here...

 

And you are out of fuel my friend...time to pull the ripcord and eject...

 

You see everything now, you realize the same thing is going to keep happening over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again until you end up in a straight jacket in the corner of your private room at Sunnyvale Mental Hospital playing chess with your imaginary friends Rufus and Plaxico reminiscing in a fabricated accent about the good 'ol days when the blue ray beam generated by the aliens dictated your actions...

 

You absolutely have to cut this thing clean once and for all and stick to that decision as if your life depended on it. Tell her clearly and directly it is done, you are sorry, but you won't be talking to her for a while.

 

You really need to get out of this co-dependent disaster yesterday. I guarantee this is going to be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life and sticking to it will be even harder. This situation dictates complete detachment at all costs here no matter what.

 

Forget the ticket, it is a very small price to pay relative to the bigger picture here, forget about pursuing any other option here, and forget about trying to assuage her very apparent issues because you cannot help her with those. The best thing you can do is cut her loose for her own good.

[GQstatus]

Thank you both for the quick replies. Go figure the one night I reach out for advice, she calls. She just called, like everything is fine "hiiii". Me telling her I was busy and would call her back in a minute she says "Okaay, I love you...told you Id call" OKAY AT 4am??

 

MrSparky - When we did live together for 10 months, we actually barely argued, had a great sex life, and for the most part had a healthy relationship. We had been planning on both moving to my homestate during this time, and she got cold feet at the last minute. I refused to stay where we were, in dysfunction with her family, and decided I needed to go. So us living together had never really been a problem.

 

As far as her abuse goes, I understand her clingyness, emotional detatchment at times, thoughts of failure, things being "too good to be true". We've talked about her abuse time and time again. And she has openly admitted how bad it *bleeps* with her mind at times. How the one person she loved the most, betrayed her. And how she now feels anybody that loves her THAT much, and that she loves back, will eventually betray her also.

 

She KNOWS in her heart, I'd never do this. She tells me this, but also says its just impossible for her to think otherwise sometimes. Maybe I do expect too much. I've just dished my heart, my life out for this girl..and would like to feel I'm getting the same back. I know she loves me, I don't doubt that for one minute. I just wish she could somehow show it more often.

 

As far as trust goes. We both agree we trust eachother when we're physically together. (even though she has NO reason not to trust me). I WANT to trust her. I trusted her the first year we were together, whole heartidley. And since the break up, it's been hard.

 

Frisco - you are my inner thoughts. I agree with everything you say also, just wish it was THAT easy. I wish I didn't have this voice inside me saying "Just hang in there, things will be ok". I love this girl with every ounce of being. There are other girls here (from my past) who have been calling, just waiting for us to break so they get a chance (not to sound vain). And I find myself getting mad at them for not respecting the fact I have a gf. This is coming from an ex cheater.

 

I want to run so friggin far away, yet at the same time want to pull her so near. I KNOW my life would be less dramatic without her. I know I would breath easier, and could definitely find a woman without all the emotional baggage...yet I love her.

 

Regardless, she'll be here for Vday. The ticket is non-refundable, and if we are to break I'd rather it be in person.

 

Keep the advice coming, I definitely need it. Thank you.

[friscodj]

My friend, quite simply put, this is life.

 

Sometimes you've got to toughen up, make tough decisions, and face tough consequences in the name of perceived necessity. This is one of those times and you know that.

 

I very sincerely wish you the best in searching for that inner clarity and strength you need to take your life back and provide the stimulus she very much needs for her to take back hers. That and the action to follow through can only come from you and I hope it comes sooner than later.

 

My best to you my friend, that's all the advice I give here. It is all up to you at this point. We can keep throwing you inflatable arm floaties of advice and words of motivation and/or comfort but ultimately you have to sink or swim with this in the pool of your own life.

[Siriana]

I think you need to find someone who better fits you. Someone more capable for relationship. She's not at that place right now.

This is a relationship that will continue to go back and forth, but it woan't improve.

You are having trubles in the beginning - could you imagine her reactions on more complicated things in life and mariagge: kids, mortages, real arguments....

 

You have a certain pattern here - she wants to be with you, and after a while she wants to detach herself, than again she wants to be with you... it's like a yo-yo.

 

You should also find a reson why you are willing to be in such a relationship.

[Siriana]

and broke up over stupid superficial things. (Her not wanting to move with me, me being stubborn, her not knwoing what she "wanted" etc).

 

I should let it be known she comes from a very dysfunctional background. Was abused, sexually, and physically as a child buy a family member. And still to this day has a hard time dealing with that.

 

 

We started arguing once again over stupid things. She likes to smoke pot (I quit when I was 18, now 23), and I hate the way she is when she's high. She's impossible to talk to, and is rather annoying. But I deal, because I'm an avid drinker (And she hates when I drink).

 

 

 

THESE ARE NOT SILLY STUPID THINGS. THESE ARE RED FLAGS.

[GQstatus]

When I say superficial things, I'm talking mainly about our move, and not being able to just agree on things. Which we once did. The first 5 months of us living together she was AWAY from the dysfunction.

 

We moved back down to her down because of a death in the family, and both decided to just stay. When she was away from it, she was happy. The happiest I've ever seen her the last 5 years I have known her. She didnt use drugs...was actually going to NA (narcotics annonomous), had a full time job, I helped her get her drivers lisense, things were EXTREMLEY good.

 

She even broke down to my mother saying she had never felt so "normal" before. It was extremley sad to know that just living a dramatic free life, was different to her. Her mother is a nut case, and enjoys bringing her down with her.

 

I realize this is a cycle. And realize sometimes I'm just playing the role of wanting to save her. I guess I want to know if there is anything I CAN do to save this relationship.

 

She has agreed she needs extensive counseling, and has a lot of past issues she needs to face. I think she's just scared of actually facing them.

 

Like I said, either way she will be here next week. Right now I'm kind of on the fence. If I did decide to end things, or at least tell her if things don't change I'm going to have to go my own way. Should I do it the first or second day she's here? Or wait until the last night we have together and have a "talk"?

 

I'm not going to lie, as mad as I am and as much as I want to just walk away right now and not look back, I want to try and make this work. I know in my heart if she moved here things would improve greatly.

[Siriana]

Like I said, either way she will be here next week. Right now I'm kind of on the fence. If I did decide to end things, or at least tell her if things don't change I'm going to have to go my own way. Should I do it the first or second day she's here? Or wait until the last night we have together and have a "talk"?

 

 

Well I guess you'll have great time when she comes to your place.

Honeymoon period - being together for short time is going to make everything like a fairytale.

No use in making a plan what to do.

Since you decided she should come I think it woan't be fair to brake up on Valentines.

 

 

If you want to break up now the only right thing would be to tell her not to come on Valentines.

 

And one more thing: These are called red flags for a reason. About some things you can't agree.

First 5 months is honeymoon period. After that you get the real stuff.

 

Do what you feel is right.

I said my opinion - and many others will answer you.

The best help you get is when you read all the responces and than think about each one of them.

Than you choose what to take into consideration.

I would feel horrible if I tried to presuade you in my opinion about your situation.