Separating after 6 months

[peachyteach]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new to this forum but I just wanted to say how helpful it was to read many of your posts. I'm going through a very painful time right now. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and were married last July. It's only been 6 months into the marriage and he has decided that we need to separate. He feels we got married for the wrong reasons and that he had doubts before the marriage but was compelled to go through with it because of the inertia of all the plans we made. He feels that some of my character traits are a fundamental problem. He has articulated that part of my personality has interfered with our emotional connection. The thing is that I never pressured him...it was entirely his decision to get married.

 

I just feel that he hasn't communicated his unhappiness to me during our marriage. This all seems so rash and abrupt... I don't feel I have been given a fair chance to grow as a person and learn to be better at loving my husband... I am completely willing and open-minded about working on our relationship. I admit to seeing some of the changes that need to be made from my end and I'm committed to working on my issues. I just feel 6 months into a marriage is still a time of adjustment (neither of us has lived with a significant other before)

 

 

The crazy thing is we still love and respect each other and we're on good terms. We're able to talk and be friends despite all of this which makes it all the more confusing to me about why we can't work this out. He is very adament that his decision to separate is the right one. He says he doesn't feel the same way about me. I know there isn't another person involved. I just feel we haven't exhausted all the possibilities in terms of communicating, counselling etc. He is unwilling to get counselling. Am I just crazy? Does this sound like a rash decision? I don't understand how someone goes into a marriage and is unwilling to commit after only 6 months. Is there anything I can do to turn things around? We have an amazing relationship and connect on so many levels (physical, intellectual, interests/hobbies, music). I just can't understand why trying to work things out is so unreasonable.

 

I guess what I'm asking for is some advice. What should I do? I suppose there's nothing I can do if the other person is unwilling to try...I have some hope things will turn around but I'm prepared for the worst. We are best friends and he still wants us to be friends and hang out. This doesn't seem wise to me but it's hard to completely shut out someone you still love and care about. Please, if you have any experience or advice to share I would greatly appreciate it.

 

Thanks! And my heart goes out to everyone who has been or is going through a separation.

[Kalika]

I think you should do nothing. He has indicated to you an unwillingness to try to work on the marriage. This being the case, there is nothing you can do. Let him have his separation. It was unfair of him to ask you to marry him and harbor doubts the entire time, and then go through with it without saying anything. That shows a tremendous lack of courage on his part. He did not step up and have this conversation with you beforehand. I'm sorry you're going through this, but a person that could do this to you does not have your best interests at heart, and is not someone that you would want to be married to. He is demonstrating this not just by trying to leave you, but also by trying to keep you in his life as his "best friend".. under the circumstances, that's just ridiculous.

 

You need to stop worrying about what HE wants. He's not thinking about what YOU want, so you have to think about yourself at this point.

[peachyteach]

Thanks Kalika. I appreciate your honest advice. It's good to hear the opinion of someone who's outside of the relationship. Much of what you've said just reaffirms what I think as well...I needed to hear that. You are absolutely right...I need to start focusing on what I want...the marriage is over.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

he talks about wanting to stay friends, yet he kept all his doubts and feelings from you and then dropped the bomb on you after 6 months of marriage??

 

really, a good or best *friend* would have told you more about his thoughts and feelings all along than he did, and a husband owed you much more than this, and to at least try to work on it in counselling for a while. so he hasn't been your best friend, just someone going off and making plans to leave you without even bothering to give you a chance or let you into his true feelings.

 

please don't accept this 'let's be friends' thing from him... it gives him a security blanket, and an open door in case his motivation is not pure. by that i mean, when partners tend to drop this kind of bomb on you when there has not much conflict, and you are getting along fine, and they are not willing to even try to save the marriage, then he may not be telling you the *real* reason for his actions. maybe he is attracted to someone else, and wants to sneak off for a fling, or is already seeing someone else, and wants to experiment to see if he likes her better, and if not, leave the door open to come back to you...

 

or he may just be being selfish, wanting your love and support, but not having to really give you much in return, while your heart is broken and you are hoping for a real marriage.

 

so i suggest that you move forward with a separation, and go into no contact with him, other than discuss details of the divorce, and refuse to let him drag you into a 'friendship' that will only prolong your pain... there's everything in it for him if you hang out and stay friends, and not much in it for you, you can find better friends to you than he has been.

 

best of luck!

[peachyteach]

Thanks BSBH... I never thought I'd be one of those people who's marriages didn't last but here I am. You're right about being friends...it's not the best choice for me right now. It's just so damn hard suddenly not having that person in your life. But you're right about focusing on the separation and discussing details of the divorce. Luckily we're still on friendly terms so things won't get ugly when it comes down to splitting the assets.

 

I just can't wait until I feel like myself again. All these emotions and memories running around in my head are exhausting. How do people get over a break up. What are some tangible steps that have helped any of you out there?

[Vynde]

Hello peachtteach,

 

I'm reading your story and find it eerily similar to my situation. I was married in July 05 after a 6 year relationship and 1 year into the marriage, she decide (for the same reasons your husband expressed) to call it quits.

 

You mention how the emotions and memories are exhausting, I can relate. They are. In fact, I "had" the feeling that they would always be there. I think the brain has a way of "exhausting" itself by running through memories (good & bad) in an attempt to understand "why". Truth is, in our case, we might be left with the question of "why" unanswered.

 

I'm finding that the key to getting over the break-up is not by trying to forget what took place, but rather embrace it, learn from it and make an effort to use that experience to better yourself.

 

You mentioned your aware of your flaws, thats good. We all have them, thats normal. Most people ignore them rather than identify them and work on improving them..

 

For now, take this time to reflect and learn. Move forward with the separation and become "selfish" by taking care of YOU.

 

The memories, emotions and even the sometimes physical pain will fade, becoming more tolerable with each passing day.. Hard to notice, but it will.

 

Lean on your friends - and take care of your body and mind.

 

You WILL become stronger and better off - Its just knowing that now doesn't help..

 

Keep posting - Your gonna be OK

 

Thinking of you..

 

John

[peachyteach]

Thanks John,

 

Having gone through a similar situation it seems as though you have a lot of wisdom about the healing process and I appreciate learning from your experience. I've never really posted on a forum of any kind before but I think it's incredible how comforting the words of a stranger can be.

 

"I'm finding that the key to getting over the break-up is not by trying to forget what took place, but rather embrace it, learn from it and make an effort to use that experience to better yourself."

 

This is exactly my sentiments...I have always been a positive, confident person who would rather learn from the past rather than have regrets...it's just nice to hear someone else say it. At the moment things are too raw but I know I'll come to this understanding soon.

 

How are you doing/feeling after your divorce? Have you felt a transformation in yourself? Are you excited about finding love again?

 

And thank you for the last line in your message...it is inexplicably comforting...thank you.

[peachyteach]

Good Morning everyone,

 

I've been reading many of the posts in this forum and you've all been very helpful and insightful. I'm feeling better today and am so grateful to have such wonderful family and friends to lean on. I needed to take some time off work to get some of the practical things done. Sitting down and dividing the assets seems so surreal...as if there is suddenly a price tag on my relationship...I hate talk about money...it's part of the ugly process of separating I suppose.

 

Although things are friendly between us right now I can't help but wonder if they will continue this way when money is involved...it's seems like a slippery slope where emotions can interfere with the process.

 

Luckily our assets are simple...we only have furniture and a condo involved. Have any of you had luck in terms of dividing the assets on friendly terms? I really hope this part will go smoothly.

[Vynde]

Your welcome my dear.

 

Your right, the fact the everything just happened for you really hinders your rational way of thinking. Your thoughts an overall logical way of processing becomes clouded by the overwhelming power of our emotions.. Thats normal and if it wasn't happening, I would question your mental stability! j/k.

 

You will come to understand after some time, that when this is over (and it will be one day) that you will have gained a valuable insight and stronger sense of who you are, which of coarse is extremely beneficial.

 

Unfortunately, the price we pay for such knowledge can be both mentally and physically challenging as you well know.

 

How am I doing, thank you for asking first of all I look back at the first post I made on these forums and def. see a noticeable difference.. All the tactics I have learned and insight gained I have acquired from this site and the angels that make it what is is..

 

I have felt a transformation of sorts or at least the beginning stages of one. I make sure not to rush it as the process itself is very slow. I wont sugar coat anything an admit to having days where I'm very depressed but like I mentioned, considering where I came from - its a great improvement

 

You will see the same improvements - So my advice is to be patient with father time, embrace the painful emotions and the lessons they will ultimately teach us and harness the motivation caused by this dark time to shine more brightly than you ever have before.

 

Keep posting, absorb the good energy from around you - You cant keep a good person down with this type of pain - in the end, it only makes them stronger than ever..

 

Hang in. Feel free to head over to D.i.g. in "off topic" its become more of a support group for those days you just need to vent - Good people

 

Kind Regards,

John

[Kalika]

PeachyT,

You've got a good head on your shoulders.. I know things ahead will be rough, but try to remember that in time, things will work out for you. You'll see.. As for the steps you're about to undertake, I just wanted to say that I hope you can get some good answers here.... And get a good lawyer!

[peachyteach]

Vynde, Kalika, thanks for checking up on me. I'll be going to get my things from our apartment tomorrow so I don't know what sort of emotional state I'll be in. Right now I'm pretty even keeled after an evening of talking with a good friend. Unfortunately me and the ex have continued communicating about the practical stuff through email and things are very amicable...it just drives me insane how cavalier his emails are. For example he sent me a long email of the breakdown of our assets...very fair and generous on his part and signs off saying "I look forward to putting this ugly stuff behind us and having other things to talk with you about."

 

What is going on in his head? Am I supposed to read between the lines? I just can't believe what I'm reading!!! He really can't be serious! There is no "us" anymore! It's just so infuriating but I will try my best to be Zen about it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you asked, how do people get over a breakup? well, it is never an easy road... the one who does the breaking up (like your husband) has lots of time to consider it and keep the security blanket of the relationship while he separates himself mentally from the marriage and makes the decision to end it...

 

and the one who is left has the harder task, not being ready, but in the longer run, you do not have to question yourself so much... you did the right thing, tried to make your marriage work, gave it your all, did not bail out so easily like your husband did...

 

so the problem for you becomes to recognize that you gave your all, and someone else did not! you were loving and connected, and understood that marriage involved commitment, but someone else did not... so you are grieving a hope and a promise, while he is just cowardly in a lot of senses... the trick to get over it is to realize that marriage is a good thing, and you are good at it, but you married someone who is not up to the task...

 

and yes, good, recognize that you need to protect yourself financially... if he is being honest, recognizing marriage not what he wants, then he will be fair financially in a divorce... but if he has a hidden agenda, another woman, or just rank selfishness, he will try to manipulate you or the courts to his advantage...

 

so get a lawyer, get a good separation agreement, and make sure you get fairness in the settlement...

 

and recognize that marriage is good, but marriage to someone who is NOT committed is not worth it, so move on and find someone who is worthy of your love and commitment!

 

best of luck, lots of us have been there, and you will be fine once you have given it some time...

[peachyteach]

What you said makes a lot of sense. He has already had time to accept the separation whereas I'm still in a state of shock. I suppose that explains the cavalier emails from him.

 

And yes, it's important not to be jaded by this experience...this is a singular experience with a particular person...I will try my best not to let it taint my outlook on love and marriage. Thanks for the positive reminder!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

my last post crossed with yours... so i will say more: it sounds like he really has moved on in his head, and thinks he is just breaking up a marriage like moving out of an apartment with a roommate! he probably just never really understood (or believed) that marriage is a great and wonderful commitment, and now that he is ready to move on, you should just make light of that and act like best friends...

 

it is better not to fight about this if there is not much to fight over, but really, you don't have to be friends and act cavalier because he does...

 

if it were me, i'd get my stuff, move on, and say to him, go away, you don't deserve my friendship, to make a commitment so lightly, and act like nothing is wrong if you choose to break that commitment...

[Kalika]

Wow, the fact that he's so cavalier about it is scary, even considering the fact that he's had more time to adjust to it than you have.. I mean, the fact that he considers it no big whoop, that he can just end the marriage and call it a day like as if it was just quitting a summer job..

 

Anyways, if you need to vent about getting your stuff from the apartment, here's the place to do it. Good luck tomorrow!