Lost my job and he left me

[digitaldiva]

Where do I begin!? My boyfriend and I have been living together for 4 months now. We've been dating a year. Our relationship starte off with him pursuing me heavily and me being totally not interested in him. At times I somewhat mean and demanding. I think he enjoyed it! Then, he began to grow on me and me and here we are. When he was pursing me, he lavished me with gifts paid my rent and even offered a car, but I declined. It took weeks of him begging me to let him move in with me Now, that we've moved in together things have changed. In September I lost my job and he paid the rent for Oct, Nov. The day I lost the position I told him that he should probably get his own place because things may be more than he can handle. He declined and said he'd we'd make things work. My salary and bills are slightly higher than his. In Dec I landed a conctract position which lasted for 4 weeks then I was jobless again. Again I told him he may want to leave because things may be rough. I've since found a extremely good full-time postion making 15k more per year than I usually make, and this is a position I have wanted for a long time. This is the best oppurtunity I've had in a sometime. He doesn't seem happy at all. The position starts next week, but I do need him to pay rent for Jan. He declined and said he was going to look for his own place. To me it seems we finally have a chance to actually make it work and he bails.

 

If I'm just a complete loser and I can't see it Tell me...

[MacGyverRI]

The day I lost the position I told him that he should probably get his own place because things may be more than he can handle. He declined and said he'd we'd make things work. My salary and bills are slightly higher than his. In Dec I landed a conctract position which lasted for 4 weeks then I was jobless again. Again I told him he may want to leave because things may be rough. I've since found a extremely good full-time postion making 15k more per year than I usually make, and this is a position I have wanted for a long time.

 

 

From a guys perspective;

 

you asked him to move out 2 x's because he apparently doesn't make enough, what did you expect?

[karvala]

There are any manner of reasons why he might be choosing to leave at this point, not necessarily related to your job situation, but if it is, it's quite possible that he's feeling exploited. He begs to move in with you, you eventually let him, he ends up paying the rent in October and November, now you get a job where you're earning 15K per year more than you previously did, but you're still asking him to pay the rent in January, even though by your own statement he now earns a lot less. Are you offering to pay him back, or showing your gratitude that he helped carry through a difficult time?

 

It's hard to know without more details, but if it's just the money/job situation, I'm sure it can be salvaged. He probably needs to know that you appreciate him, and aren't going to feel that you don't want him or need him now that you're on your feet again, or even worse exploit still him. I'm sure you don't intend to, but perhaps he needs to hear that as well.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Well, it sounds like you two were never a really tight partnership or there wouldn't be a question that he would pay the rent if he knew you were having a hard time and couldn't pay it... but you have asked him to move out 2 times, so may have puzzled him, and now that he knows you can pay the rent and have a job again, he's leaving...

either there is a misunderstanding here (and you obviously need to talk more about what is going on her, if only for closure), or he had decided he wanted to leave anyway, and was waiting til you found a job so he didn't feel guilty about leaving you when you had no way to support yourself.

[lonely_me]

It's tough when one person makes more money than the other. My husband is in graduate school pursuing a PhD. Because he is a research assistant, he earns a stipend but all of it and then some go toward school expenses that his research grants don't cover. This means that we live off of my salary entirely. That sort of responsibility is a tough one to shoulder, so I know how your boyfriend has felt for the past few months.

 

With that said, while my husband and I have our share of problems, this whole "yours" and "mine" thing is rarely an issue that needs to be discussed. Every month, I think "we need to pay our rent". It's not an issue of *I* need to pay rent, or *he* needs to pay it. We live here, so our rent needs to be paid by us. I also know that someday, when he has his PhD and is doing what he needs to be fulfilled, I'll want to be a stay at home mom so I can be fulfilled, and he'll need to support me. We'll still need to pay for our rent/mortgage exactly as we do now, but it'll be coming from money he'll earn instead of money I'll earn because I'll be the one not contributing in that way.

 

Maybe that's how your boyfriend was seeing him paying the rent? He did what he had to for you two to survive, and when the time comes and you're capable, you'll do the same. Maybe you don't feel the same way, and it frustrated him?

 

Also, is it possible that things went sour before and he just stuck around because he didn't want you to not be able to make ends meet? A while back, I got very frustrated with my marriage and considered leaving, but I knew it would put my husband in an awful financial situation and decided against it. I'm glad, because it means we have to work on things, but sometimes when I'm really upset the thoughts creep back. If he was all of the sudden able to make ends meet without me, I think I'd have a lot of new temptation to call it quits. If that's the case with your boyfriend, then what he did is an obvious sign that he cares about your wellbeing and may be willing to re-evaluate your relationship.

[ghost69]

it sounds like this just iced his cake. he must have some other grievances with the relationship. it seems he was cool with paying the rent before. if you offered to pay him back or something, it might make him feel a bit more comfortable with continuing with you. it might be hard for him to watch you make more money and then still ask to pay the rent.

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