I'm 37, he is 25

[longhaircats]

I met a guy who is 12 years old younger than me at a bar/club about 3 weeks ago. Well, I always get hit on by younger guys because I look a lot younger than I am. I'm also a PhD student at the moment and often hangout with people in their 20s, so I don't feel old at all.

 

But here is my dilemma. I am very attracted to this 25 old man, and he tells me that age is just a number and he is always attracted to older women. However, he told me the other day that he is not going to get married for the next 10 years. Since I'm divorced, I don't have a pressure to get married right away, but I would like to find a life partner and start a family within 3-4 years before it's too late to have children. I don't want to let myself fall for someone who is not ready for a long-term relationship. At the same time, I want to enjoy the moment and see what happens.

 

We went out for a grocery shopping yesterday. He hold my hands, kissed me on tube and streets etc., and told me I look good and sexy. We went back to his place and cooked dinner together, he played guitar after the meal. He asked me to stay over his place (he told me he will behave, so no sex) and I had a great time with him. I can’t wait to see him again, but I can’t help but wonder where is this going…. My best friend is dating a younger guy (she is 31, he is 25) for 3 years and her boyfriend doesn’t want to settle down since he is going to a graduate school, while she wants to get married. This scares me and I am reluctant to get to know him proactively. My female friends tell me “just keep looking while having fun time with him”, but I'm afraid that I may fall for him. Any advice would be appreciated!!

[DN]

I notice you say you are temporarily in the UK in your signature. Is that still true because if it is maybe that would be another problem in the future if neither of you wanted to relocate permanently.

 

But to address your immediate problem: if you sense your biological clock ticking then I suggest you do look for someone who is on the same page as you regarding marriage and children and if you feel you may become too attached to him you should end the relationship. It would also be unwise to pressure him into changing his mind.

[longhaircats]

Hi DN,

 

Thanks for your quick responce. My program is 3-4years, and I am waiting for a research grant to come through. If it goes through, I will stay here, but if not I may go back to the States. There are a lot of uncertanity here.

 

I am well aware of the differences in our life stages, and my brain tells me that I should end. I know some people in mid 20s are ready to settle down or at least open to it, and I just wish he was one of them, but he is not. Sigh.

[caro33]

I think you have the right idea longhaircats, I agree that having fun with this guy might be dangerous if you want to settle down. I have told myself I was just killing time with people in the past, but it changes things. That Saturday night you are with him might have been a night you went out with friends and met someone perfect for you. When you are not really "on the market" you might also be less keen to get to know people.

 

There are always exceptions to any rule, but I have had several men tell me not to try and genuinely settle down with men who are under 32. They feel their own clocks ticking much louder after this age. As a general rule it has been reasonably accurate from my own and my friends' experiences. Keep open for the guys who don't fit that approach as of course they will exist, but I fear there are not many of them.

[longhaircats]

Caro33,

 

Thanks for your responce. Someone between 29-39 is the age range I am looking for. I tend to be attracted to young men, I guess because non-Asian people (am Asian) look a lot older than they are. It seems that most men whom I'm attracted to in this age groups are all taken!!

[rosie76]

Hi longhaircats,

 

This is a turn up from the last post I read of yours where you were quite sad in the UK. Good for you for going out and meeting people you enjoy.

 

No real advice, I'm afriad - visiting this forum as I'm in something of the same boat. 7 year gap with a new younger guy who seems really nice. I'm a bit put off knowing that what I assume he'll want out of life in the next 5 years is unlikely to be what I do. And a wee bit hypersensitive to things I find immature in his personality since I think I'm looking for them. (Told a friend we'd had a good date and stayed up much of the night talking, to which the reply 'Oh really, were you telling him about the 80s?' Haha!)

 

Then again, part of me just wants to enjoy being with someone nice and into me while that's possible because who knows what'll happen tomorrow. If there's a connection, it seems silly to waste it by overthinking things. As my friend put it - you enjoy his company and he enjoys yours. If you're on different pages things will end naturally, you just have to keep an eye out that one person doesn't start to feel a lot more than the other. But that's true of all relationships, right? Seemed sound advice to me.

 

Do let us know how you get on!

[caro33]

I don't mean to criticise rosie, and I do agree that there's no need to overthink things when you are having fun. But for me the danger is that I think women, when they are the older partner, are at some risk if they don't think about things seriously.

 

I certainly know that with me, and with many of my female friends, we have started something because we were lonely and the guy was fun and liked us, then we have re-evaluated for whatever reason, then we have put our heads in the sand. I was the poster child for "I know this won't go anywhere, I'm just having fun" but under the surface was an evergrowing romantic ideal that maybe, somehow, it WOULD work. My sheer specialness would eventually get the guy to be "ready" like I wanted him to be. My wishful thinking in these areas was responsible for keeping me in a relationship 9 years too long, and for a year long casual thing with a younger guy that just ended up really hurting me.

 

All I know is that you can stick with the "having fun for now" perspective, but over time you can lose sight of your goals and original needs, in tiny increments. It's too bad if you hit your late 30s/40s, want babies, and then you have lost 60%-90% of the fertility you had when 30. And what if the guy still isn't ready?

 

Sorry to sound like the harbringer of doom, but I have become a strong believer in establishing your goals early with this type of thing, and sticking to them. I have heard of too many women who wanted children and missed out on them because they assumed things would be different...

[charley]

Follow your girlfriend's advice in OP. That's exactly what I'd tell you too. This guy makes you happy, which is the opposite of what other men were doing. So enjoy him today, and keep your eye out in case he either changes his mind, or someone else better who wants same as you comes along. At the very least, you can be happy for a year or three. Isn't that better than being lonely and single and unhappy like before? In best case scenario, things might work out longterm. If not, at least you'll have a few happy years before being single again.

[SexySadie7]

Charley, I can certainly relate to what you are saying in one sense: "At the very least, you can be happy for a year or three. Isn't that better than being lonely and single and unhappy like before?"

But then, too, guys don't have to worry about biological clocks either, if one of your goals is to have children. It is a legitimate concern if you've only got so much time left to reproduce. Not a problem in general for guys, so, I guess it's hard for them to relate to the whole issue of "wasting ones' time".

I'd enjoy hanging out with him but keep your main goal in mind too. That you want to have kids. If he's not willing to do so in your timeframe, be realistic about it, not emotional and move on.