Oh dear

[peteypie]

i am in the same situation mate we have split she is moving soon but not for another 2 weeks says she does not love me so i get my nose rubbed in it everyday . We have a child each by previous partners so will still have to see each other after the split for their sake so going to be very hard as i realise now i love her more now than i have done for 3 years

[SadOldMan]

peteypie: If this house doesn't sell quickly, she could be here for months!

 

I guess this post now belongs in the Healing After Break Up or Divorce forum. Any thoughts on my 'coping' strategy?

The only thing I have kept that reminds me of her is the rings she bought me. I've took them off and boxed them up. I have got rid of most of my clothes and just about bought a full wardrobe worth this week. It was fantastic. Like the best christmas ever!

Some people say I shouldn't get rid of the stuff she's bought me but I don't want any reminders at all when I finally move to a new place.

She's still never far from my thoughts. She thinks I'm being ignorant for not initiating any conversations. I told her I'd talk about the house and that's it. Yesterday, I got washed and put on some of my new clothes. She asked me in a very timid voice "are you going out?" * * * is wrong with her?! She goes out all the time. I never ask where or who she's been with. Oh. Still no mortgage payment from her

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it sounds to me like she got out of the house and had to take care of herself for a while, and wanted to come back to the 'security' of your house... but really, she is giving mixed signals, which isn't fair to you. sounds like she is just expecting you to take care of her while the wanders around...

 

i think you are absolutely on the right track about going about your business getting a new life, new clothes, etc. hopefully the house will sell this spring and you can really get on with your life... she needs to grow up and realize what taking care of herself really means, and you need to be free of someone using you as a meal ticket!

[SadOldMan]

I think I'm handling this break up differently to my last one because......

We had a son. We split up when he was seven months old. She kept me on a lease for 4 years. Always asking for another chance (she dumped me). I cannot and will not ever go through anything like that again. Any wonder I'm in therapy atm? ;-) 19 years ago!

[peteypie]

chin up sad old man , i know how you feel my boys mum was like that but tortured me with my emotions thats why i was so closed with my present/ex partner. wish i could have broken through the hurt and showed her what i felt before this was too late. We seem to be in a silmilar position where we do not know how to cope any help from anyone. here if you need to chat sad old man just pm me.

[SadOldMan]

peteypie: I feel pretty good atm. Had a slump earlier today. Had booked 3 days off work to get some of the rubbish sorted out in the house. I forgot that she has school holidays off too. Was getting pretty stressed about lunchtime so I went to see my sister for a couple of hours. When I returned, she had gone out and didn't return until 7pm.

I booked myself a holiday tonight. Portugal for a week at easter. I've never been out of the uk before and now I'm going on my own! Quite excited tbh. If anything, her dumping me has been a really good kick up the ar*e. I'm going to start living properly now.

 

Passport arrived this morning. I didn't hear the postman. She brought it into me. She asked where I was going. I told her. She sits on the sofa next to me and starts crying. I love her dearly but she is breaking my heart on a daily basis. I'm doing this for me. Not to try and win her back. Solely for me. It's time I started embracing what's out there.

[SadOldMan]

Had a few texts from my eldest sister tonight. She was asking how I'm doing etc. I told her what I'd been up to and she replied "Well done for taking control". For some reason, that really moved me. I'm feeling a little better today. Yesterday was awful.

[peteypie]

keep it up buddy , it can be worked through , if you wanna chat pm me i am having some of my own nightmares at the minute nice to share thoughts with you though .

[SadOldMan]

Oh dear indeed. The rollercoaster just hit the bottom and came off the track. I felt okay for most of last week but yesterday, I started to feel down and today it's got a lot worse.

My son flew out to Canada today. He'll be there a minimum of 2 months, maximum of 6. In a way, I'm glad he's out of the way but I feel guilty for feeling that.

I'm staying at my dads again. I don't know for how long. I just couldn't face going back into the house again (I did though. I had to pick up my laptop. Was in and out in about 1 minute! ;-) ). As I'm doing a pseudo NC, only talking to her about the house sale, I think she's very angry with me. I'm sensing her drifting further away from now and it's scaring me. I thought I had accepted the fact we were no longer going to be together. Must have been lying to myself.

 

peteypie: Sorry, I haven't got back to you. Soon, okay?

[GoldersGreen]

Hey there,

 

I've been through this before too (about 4 years ago and these forums really helped me get through it).

 

Try to take each day as it comes, allow yourself some grieving time (it really is ok) and in all honesty, while it's still fresh, I found that getting away and not being near the house or them was really refreshing. I used to spend a bit of time with friends to lift my spirits a bit or do something I really liked (like spending it with animals and horses for their gentle nature).

 

I know that these are only posts and words but I hope that people care and send positive thoughts your way will put a smile on your face (however brief it might be today...it might be longer tomorrow ;-))

[SadOldMan]

GoldersGreen: Thanks for your words of support. I want closure. Proper closure. Move on to a new place etc. I really do hate all this waiting. Nothing I can do about it though.

[SadOldMan]

Today, I awoke (I slept at my dads) and thought "nope!, can't do this anymore". So I went back to the house (she wasn't in thankfully) and grabbed all my clothes. All my clothes fitted into a travel suitcase, big bin liner and a rucksack. heh. I feel better. Dad seems fine. It could be a long wait until the house is sold.....but I feel better! ;-)

[peteypie]

well sad oldman , i am still here , she is leaving this weekend and i am counting the days down not looking forwad to it though. we get on ok most of the time , even have sex like last night she cuddles in my arms for a while after. Then in the morning its like a different person woke up , she is the same old distant person. cannot understand this ????? . its like she forgets to act distant then suddenly realises she has and backs away. I had the option of staying at my mum and dads sad man but decided against it got reasons why i cant as i have animals here at home and need to sort them everyday. hope things go ok for you buddy keep in touch wondered where you got to mate

[SadOldMan]

Just got back from my 2nd counseling session. Stupidly, I thought I'd cope better this time. Heh. Came back to my dads. Up to my room. Crying like a child.

She told me to create an image of myself when I was about 7 or 8 and give my young self a big hug. I can't get the mental image out of my mind. I want to reach back and say to him "it'll be alright".

As for my ex? She's still in the house. She hasn't tried to contact me, nor I her. I did go back after the session to pick up the last of the things I'd left. I also left her a small note to say we need to discuss the mortgage payments etc, and that I'd be in touch.

[SadOldMan]

It's her birthday today. Thought about her too much at work. I did buy her a card and a present. The card is at the old house, unwritten. The gift, I'm wearing. ;-)

Regarding the house. I have now cancelled the telephone and gas, as they were in my name. Also, I've booked an appointment with a solicitor for next week. See what advice they give me regarding her paying her share.

[SadOldMan]

Today, I changed my address with work, my bank, ebay and paypal. More steps that are saying to me "no going back!". Just over 2 weeks since we had any contact. There's some things we're going to have to discuss, especially regarding the house, but I think I'll leave it another week. Have felt pretty raw this past week. Find myself just daydreaming about her. Then I get annoyed with myself.

The no contact has helped me. Not just to take a step back and look at myself and also with the healing process but to also look at the relationship we had. I knew we had our problems. I knew we didn't address them. Ended up a festering boil that had to be lanced. I'm glad she did it. It has been a great wake up call for me.

[GoldersGreen]

Today, I changed my address with work, my bank, ebay and paypal. More steps that are saying to me "no going back!". Just over 2 weeks since we had any contact. There's some things we're going to have to discuss, especially regarding the house, but I think I'll leave it another week. Have felt pretty raw this past week. Find myself just daydreaming about her. Then I get annoyed with myself.

The no contact has helped me. Not just to take a step back and look at myself and also with the healing process but to also look at the relationship we had. I knew we had our problems. I knew we didn't address them. Ended up a festering boil that had to be lanced. I'm glad she did it. It has been a great wake up call for me.

 

Keep going! On the road to positivity. I'm sure you're on your way now.

 

Well done!

[SadOldMan]

I've been doing fine...or so I thought. Found out that one of my sisters is doing her hardest to stay friends with my ex. They went circuit training tonight. Why is it angering me? I feel like my sister is siding with my ex. She hasn't shown any thought to my feeling since dumping me in December. Hasn't paid a penny towards the upkeep of the mortgage, and my sister wants to be friends with her. I feel betrayed. Well, perhaps betrayed is a bit strong but I do feel hurt. Very strange. I'll be having words with my counselor this Thursday about it. ;-)

[SadOldMan]

Just back from another counseling session and also seeing a solicitor. The session went well. It really is helping me face upto the issues I have. The counselor is great too.

The solicitor told me what I already knew. My ex doesn't have to pay a thing towards the mortgage. She's entitled to stay in the house until it's sold and she will get 50% of the profits. It's the law. That's as maybe but I think it's morally wrong. It's unfair and I'm pretty angry at the moment. Only hope is if it's sold soon. I've already paid about £1800 in mortgage payments and if it takes a few more months to be sold, I'll be well out of pocket. Grrrr ;-)

[Locke2121]

Turn off every utility and service! Cut it down to the bare bones.

[SadOldMan]

Locke2121: I've already done all that. Only thing left now is the mortgage and insurances.

[Locke2121]

So she is setting there cold, without water or lights? Man what a woman....is she really homeless or just trying to p### you off?

[SadOldMan]

The utility bills are all in her name now. I paid them up to the end of Feb. Took my name off all the bills and left her name on them.

[Locke2121]

Oh, well then just get the dang place sold and get rid of her.

 

Wait....she wouldn't be messing with the sale would she?? Causing damage or scaring off potintial buyers?

[SadOldMan]

She could refuse to sell it. We both have to agree. it could get very messy, but I don't want that. I think I've been really fair. Hell!, she dumped me yet I moved out. The house is our only tie left. I can properly move on once it's out of the way.

There is one thing I could do. I can withhold mortgage payments. Then the house gets repossessed by the mortgage lender and sold. We both get nothing. sigh. nar ;-)