Advice Needed: Into me - not into me?

[Dateagain]

I am a single woman, 44, about five months out of a long term relationship. I dated a bit during this time. A male friend of mine -lets call him Jerry - recently moved to my neighborhood, and he is going through a divorce after a 12 year marriage. He had a girlfriend right out of the box and it was a disaster - she cheated and lied. Both of us have kids, aged 9. We've been friends since our 20s. Anyhoo, I called him when I heard about the split, and we started hanging out on the days we didn't have our kids. I was giving him a lot of support, because I know how confusing divorce and dating can be, especially at our age, and especially when you are a single parent. So, one night we were hanging out, getting ready to eat something garlicky. He said: I probably should kiss you before we eat this, which surprised me. I said You want to kiss me? And he says I've wanted to kiss you for years. So we kissed. He is very attractive, and it turns out, a good kisser. So we went out that weekend- neither of us had our kids - danced, partied, had a few more kisses. He asks me to stay over, I say no. I was casually dating another guy, but it wasn't going anywhere. So I break up with the other guy, which had been sort of in process way before my friend kissed me. I wasn't gonna sleep with Jerry until I'd broken this other casual dating thing off. So, the next time we don't have our kids, we get together and one thing leads to another and we sleep together. I thought it was great, I am very attracted to him and like I say, we are good friends with a lot to talk about and a lot of the same interests. The next day I get three phone calls, a dozen roses, a card that says "You're the best, you are a lifesaver" So, OK, I'm happy! Days go by and we each have our kids. He calls, texts or emails me every day. The first night without my kid I really wanted to hang out by myself, so I told him that. He called and asked what I was doing, I said watching a movie, we had a great conversation, he didn't press me to come over or anything. We agree to have dates Thursday (last night) and Friday (tonight.) I was really looking forward to sleeping with him again and exploring our romantic sparks. He had emailed me BEFORE we slept together and said he was in a weird place and worried about hurting me. I said OK, we have a spark, we can step back and just be friends or we can see where it goes. He said he wanted to see where it goes, I said OK and agreed, then slept with him. SOOOO last night we go out to dinner, its like a date, we go back to his place, and he's not really being that physical, we talk, he asks me to lay on the bed with him and cuddle, but its not moving forward that much, and i'm wondering whats up. Then he asks me to stay over, but says he doesn't want to have sex. There ensues a long conversation in which he says he's so into me, finds me so special, has had the hots for me for years, but that he's afraid he'll screw this up and just be a "user" due to where he is in his life. I explain I'm not lonely or needy, am hot for him, would go for it anyway, but respect where he's at. So we talk some more and I say - it sounds like what you want to do is just date around, so lets step back and be friends. he's ambivalent about that, says he's "really, really into" me and comes from a place of high regard and respect. But the guy is in a hell of a mess - he isn't divorced yet, his heart got slammed right out of the hopper. He doesn't want me to be the rebound girl, but to tell you the truth I'd be OK with that and told him so. I don;t have that much extra time in my life for relationship right now, and would be fine with seeing someone on some of the days I don';t have my kid. I don't want anything heavy. He's asked me out for dancing tonight. I'm thinking of backing out and explaining to him I have been buzzing with this attraction to him of late and dancing might not be the way to get it to shift, that we need a week or so for the shift to happen back to friends. So, we know he's a mess. But do you think it sounds like he's really into me or just flattering me, and maybe he didn't enjoy our intimate time together? Advice would be appreciated!

[Batya33]

He's a married man (check out Dr. Joy Browne's web site and "one year rule" - I find it insightful and wise) and sure it could be that he's not that into you and it also could be that if he's going to have casual sex it's not going to be with an old friend - it's going to be with someone he doesn't have to have ties to when he feels like moving on.

 

Mostly, I think he can tell that you're likely lying to yourself about being ok with no strings attached sex. Or, he's concerned that you are.

[Dateagain]

Ah, very insightful, Batya, also he DID witness me breaking it off pretty casually with the other guy.

 

Im not sure i was looking for no strings attached sex. i don't really like that at my age anymore. I was more interested in lets-see-where-this-goes and not get to heavy or attached to the future, but delight in the moment and the possibility.

[Scout]

he's afraid he'll screw this up and just be a "user" due to where he is in his life.

 

And he is probably telling you the truth. So I give him credit for letting you know in advance that a real relationship will probably never develop.

 

You say you don't want something heavy, which I assume you mean nothing with a deep emotional connection. But I don't think you're being 100% honest with yourself about that. Otherwise, you wouldn't be worrying if he was into you or not.

 

I predict that if you pursue something like it sounds like you're ready to pursue...being his sexual and physical intimacy outlet...what you truly want and need will never come to fruition, and what's more, you'll end up deeply resenting him.

[Dateagain]

As I hear from you - and thank you - I also realize I am carrying a bit of baggage. After MY divorce years ago, I started a relationship with someone I had known and loved deeply years before, and basically suspected he was the one for me. But I didn't want to get right back into a relationship, and told him I wanted to date around. Then - he died in a house fire at age 43. I regretted not going for it when I had the chance, you know?

[Scout]

What a sad memory! ((HUGS)). But you had no way of knowing that would happen, and at the time, you did the best you could to make the right decision for both of you.

 

If you tried to "fix" what happened with the last guy through this current guy, though...I still strongly feel the outcome would not be a happy one for you.

[Beec]

You dumped a guy you were dating casually to date him, so that means you having sex with him indicates that once you are having sex you consider that the relationship should be exclusive. Good, I'll agree with that idea.

 

So, you have begun dating him and had sex and now, he is backing off from the exclusive relationship with you, because of how he feels. He does not want to be in it now for whatever reason, and he has at least been respectful about that. However, he does still want to see you. Reading between the lines this seems to be a guy telling you to slow down and not act like it is a relationship.

 

I would suggest you tell him that yes you still want to date him, but that's all it is, dating as long as we both want to.

 

You somewhat do seem to have been lying to yourself about your desire for a relationship, but at the same time, his behavior indiactes he might want that too, he just feels like it is moving too fast. Frankly, he seems to have acted admirably under the circumstances.

 

I would not stand him up or turn him down for tonight, because that really seems like you acting hurt. Don't act hurt, even if you are a little. be a strong, confident, sexy woman, and take your time. If you do that, he'll still want you.

[Dateagain]

So I should back out of the dancing, give it some time and try to shift to friends?

[Scout]

Well, I think Beec gave you a suggestion just as you were posting your question, so you might not have seen it yet.

 

It seems Beec is saying that it's alright for you to give boundaries out of respect for yourself. Which I agree with.

 

I guess you could see what happens if you say "Let's just date casually, and hold off on the physical stuff because it seems to be moving things too fast."

 

BUT - I still have some serious reservations about pursuing anything romantic with the guy, because he seems to jump from relationship to relationship. If he was a bit wiser about this, he'd give himself a long stretch of time to be single and figure out what he really wants, get his head straight, etc.

[Dateagain]

Well I'm wondering why he wanted to have sex in the first place, when I suggested we could step back and be friends? Is is just a guy thing?

[Scout]

Well I'm wondering why he wanted to have sex in the first place, when I suggested we could step back and be friends? Is is just a guy thing?

 

No, I don't think it's a guy thing. Why were you willing to have sex with him even knowing that it didn't necessarily imply a relationship? I would venture to say because you were lonely and needed the reassurance and comfort that physical intimacy can temporarily bring. And I would venture even further to say that might be his reason, too.

[Siriana]

Dating someone who's in a process of divorce or recently divorced usually has no long term prospect.

[Scout]

Dating someone who's in a process of divorce or recently divorced usually has no long term prospect.

 

It honestly doesn't. I've seen it countless times in real life and on eNotalone...in fact, I can't recall an incident where it did work out.

[Beec]

I guess you could see what happens if you say "Let's just date casually, and hold off on the physical stuff because it seems to be moving things too fast."

 

Other than saying yes to still going on dates with him and "let's take it slow," I wouldn't say much it, I'd just do it. Scout, you know I am not all for talking about things. IMO, it's way overrated. Communication need not all be verbal.

 

As far as Dateagain's respect and boundaries, he really seems to have treated her with respect. And it seems like he is asking for his to be respected. If I saw a problem with Dateagain's boundaries, it would be that she seems not to know where her own boundaries are, because her words and actions don't seem consistent.

[Scout]

Other than saying yes to still going on dates with him and "let's take it slow," I wouldn't say much it, I'd just do it. Scout, you know I am not all for talking about things. IMO, it's way overrated. Communication need not all be verbal.

 

In this case, I absolutely agree with you. Actions and behaviors can speak just as strong a language, if not even more stronger sometimes, than words.

[Dateagain]

Can you be clearer about how my words and actions aren't consistent? I need to consider this carefully and be more aware!