I'm Scared... venting.

[maryale]

I'm scared, and I've always been when I start a relationship with someone. I'm scared to fall in love because I panic someone will break my heart. Most of the time, I cover myself and form a barrier for not getting hurt and most of the time I don't enjoy it.

I always try to be chill with relationships, and be understandable and not jealous. I've always been very indifferent and I look tough and strong with guys. I really don't let any boy treat me bad or disrespect me under any circumstance and most of all, I respect myself and won't let any boy play me or anything, and this keeps me alert with boys.

I have a problem and is that I don't like showing my feelings, because I'm afraid I'll get hurt. So, when I feel something, denial comes and I swallow all those feelings just to make people think I'm strong and nothing bothers me. At first, I can control, because I think it's nothing what I feel. Then comes denial, I start saying to myself I shouldn't be feeling this or that. Then I admit it to myself and keep it to myself. and so it is, it stays inside of me. I swallow everything I feel. This happens to me everytime I feel something with a boy. If it's attraction, or if I feel love, or if I feel jealousy. I swallow everything and then I can't handle it anymore, and I cover myself in a barrier, in which I don't let anyone come in, in which I wanna be alone. So, I reject people, lie to people, treat people badly to make myself feel better.

 

I'm afraid right now and I guess this is my mechanism for not getting hurt, but really I'm getting hurt and I'm suffering. Right now, I'm going out with this guy, I like him a lot, but I'm really scared. I'm scared I fall in love and I'm in such a defensive situation, prepared for everything, and forcing myself not to fall in love or feel more than what I'm feeling. I don't wanna feel more because I'm scared. I'm scared that when I feel more, this guy cheats on me and breaks my heart. I'm scared to enjoy every moment with him openly. and my mechanism starts to run. I form a barrier, defend and protect myself, force myself not to feel more, and I don't let him get into my barrier. So, I start treating him bad. I don't call him, don't look for him, and try not to show any interest on him at all, treat him as if he is just one more in my world, that he makes me nothing, and when he looks for me, I reject him and tell him I don't wanna be with him (but I REALLY want to be with him, I just do that as a defensive mechanism, I guess, for not getting hurt) and he look for me again and this makes me feel good, in a strange way. He shows me he really cares about me and it makes me feel good. He doesnt know I do this, I don't let it show, so I'm not worried about freaking him out about it.

 

I just need a constant reminder that there is nothing wrong in my relationship with my boyfriend. I constantly worry about stupid stuff, if he likes me or not, and if he wants to be with me or not. I mean, I think it's insecurity, but I have a normal self esteem, I believe someone would be lucky to have me, and I respect myself and I like myself enough for not letting any guy treat me bad. So, then I start thinking "If he doesn't like me, or doesn't want to be with me, don't be! No one forces him to make those desicions", but still I feel bad and insecure.

I mean I like myself enough to know I'm pretty, I may not be a supermodel or anything, but I know I have my qualities, but I'm really insecure about things. People I know ask me why am I with my boyfriend (my boyfriend isn't that attractive at all), they tell me I'm too much for him, physically relating, but I don't care I like him for who he is, I don't care about his appeareance. And still, I worry when my boyfriend says other girls are pretty, I usually think he's gonna leave me for them. I'm constantly paranoid that he's gonna cheat on me. He doesn't know I think this when he says those stuff, because probably he'll think I'm pathetic to think it that way. I swallow my thoughts when he says those things because he has always tell me that jealousy is for inscure people, and that he isn't insecure and I have show him I'm not insecure (if he only knew..).

When we're around his friends, I usually don't like being there, because I'm afraid he rejects me or denies me. I usually say "Hello" to him and I don't even kiss him and then leave and make a phonecall or something while he finishes talking with his friends. I do this because I'm afraid that if I kiss him to say hello, I'm afraid he asks me why am I doing that, or I'm afraid he says any comment that will hurt me, so I rather don't do anything at all. When we're holding hands, he's that one that takes the initiative to hold my hand, because I rather don't risk and don't do anything at all. Same with kisses, he's the one that gives me kisses most of the time, because I'm afraid he rejects me or anything if I take the initiative of giving him a kiss. Why am I like this? I wish I could take his hand and kiss him without being afraid.

[Hope75]

I think falling in love is one of those risk vs. benefit scenarios.

 

Sure, lots of relationships end badly. Heck, everyone of us has had heartbreak or a bad relationship at one time or another, unless we've never dated seriously or we married the first person we dated and are still happy. It's part of the trial and error that is relationships until you find the right one.

 

But to be honest, you sound pretty unhappy in your relationship, and it sounds as though this has been a pattern for you to build a wall everytime you start to get close to someone. And yet, you still date, you still meet people, you still get into relationships. Clearly you want to be in a happy, healthy relationship or you would not continue to put yourself out there.

 

So you have to ask yourself, is the risk of getting hurt worth the benefit of the wonderful feeling of being in love, being happy, being open, honest and vulnerable with another person, if it does work out?

 

I've been through hell and back with relationships myself. I was with a man whom I lived with and was engaged to who was an alcholic/drug addict who beat me for 5 years until he very nearly killed me. Next up was the secretive, functional lying alcoholic who kept it from me for 2 years until I left him, devestated. I've had stalkers and freaks... you name it and I have probably gone through it. But now, I've been with a wonderful guy for 4 years. We live together, he is fabulous, and I plan to marry him. So was giving him a shot, after everything I went through before, really worth it?

 

You betcha.

 

You're going to make mistakes and get hurt until you get it right. But the ultimate payout once you do get it right is so worth it, like nothing you've ever known. And the fact that you keep trying even with your fear and the walls that you build leads me to believe that you believe that too.

 

So think about that, and make a choice, if you want to hole up like a turtle forver, or if you want to come out and see what a relationship is really all about.

[flower99]

^ great words Hope!!!

 

Take baby steps! try reaching for his hand. Try kissing him....test his reaction. I'm sure you will be pleased with it.

I totally know where your coming from, I'm the same way at times. It's hard letting your guard down..it's a risk. And to be honest, we've all had our hearts broken & we all break someones heart.

 

Just like Hope said, "ask yourself, is the risk of getting hurt worth the benefit of the wonderful feeling of being in love, being happy, being open, honest and vulnerable with another person, if it does work out?"

 

Because Love is a beautiful thing, but you have to allow yourself to feel it. there is ALWAYS a risk, but remember You always recover no matter what. And come out stronger. Let yourself love & be loved. You're worth it.