to all those struggling with NC...

[disgruntledbaker]

me too

 

this is the end of week 3 for me. never thought i'd make it this long, or that after this long the beginning would seem so long ago...

 

anyway, this is sort of a multipurpose post. i want to vent what im thinking, possibly encourage those not quite this far along, and hopefully invoke some response from those further along in the form of some moral support!

 

week 1: man. that was a roller coaster. there were moments of intense pride that i was doing something so difficult that could potentially be so helpful. i had these delusions of her coming crawling back to me, giving me back the power over myself and the relationship that was lost and restoring my self respect and dignity. then what seemed like only 5 minutes later there was intense pain and agony at every stray thought of her throwing herself at someone else, just to spite me. or even worse, without a thought in the world of me. in doing so, she was saying "you're not good enough. you never were. you never will be." and knife goes in, and the knife comes out, and the knife goes in... friends listen, but i catch some eye-rolling after the 3rd straight hour of "i just don't understand what went wrong..." exercise and hobbies go a long way to distracting me, but only in small doses.

 

week 2: the roller coaster decreases in frequency but increases in amplitude. there was more than a few minutes between the valleys and mountains (sometimes days), but they were literal valleys and mountains. when last week i wanted to pat myself on the back, this week i wanted to press and sell my own t-shirts. when last week i wanted to cry, this week i wanted to destroy all life. still, the delusion persisted that i was bringing my ex back and making a king of myself. this week i continued to try and occupy my time with self-improvement sort of things like exercising (sometimes 5 hours a day) brushing up on old hobbies and learning new ones. it was too important to me to do those things to realize how tired i was becoming. it was wearing down on me more than i realized. then i started reading the sociology books. at this point i became obsessed with understanding what went wrong so that i could keep it from ever happening again. obsessed is the perfect word for it. then i found this forum. slight hit to my self-esteem that i "needed" an anonymous forum to vent, but huge relief to the friends that i wouldn't burden them with a depressed slob. started going out for the sake of going out, but found that noticing how "single" i was made me upset. struggled through it though, and tried not to make too much of an * * * * of myself.

 

week 3: forget the roller coaster, enter the lemmings. from the cliff top you can see a beautiful view, but beware that you're tip toe-ing on the edge. one false move and you're falling to the almost certain doom of self-pity and depression from last week, or just the mistake of breaking NC on a whim. feeling generally better. made the realization that when earlier while exercising i would say "one more set for her" now i say "one more set for me." seeing improvements already from the exercise, really starting to like whats in the mirror again. also seeing progress in all of my hobbies. and becoming more comfortable with going out with friends to social events and NOT talking about the ex. and thats what she is now. not the love of my life, the girl i still long for. she's the ex. that doesn't change that i love the girl, and that i've never been able to say that about anyone else. that doesn't change that i still frequently think about her (like every ten minutes). but acceptance that its over is really setting in. no longer do i have the delusion that im doing this because im going to get her back. im doing this because at the end, i like whats in the mirror again. so i guess i wasn't entirely delusional. the self-respect, dignity, and just the ability to genuinely smile again... they're here.

 

there are stumbling points along the way. so many times i wanted to call her, message her, contact in some way. and it hasn't been complete NC at all times because i tortured myself often (usually during weeks 1 and 2) with looking at her myspace and aol instant messenger buddy info/away messages to see what she was up to. i see now that it served no purpose other than to make me upset that she could seem so happy without me there.

 

would i change anything about how i handled this all if i could go back? absolutely not. that suffering... its part of healing i think. when you were in a serious loving relationship, you have to mourn the end of it like it were the death of a loved one. because thats what it is really, the end of the relationship is a death. don't avoid your suffering, because covering it up and dismissing it is sabotaging future attempts at opening up to others and to new love.

 

and never once did i contact her. not in any way. i didn't even leave away messages or post things on my myspace that suggested i was upset. and now, i am SO happy of that. not because im playing the game, but because of how my dignity would still be suffering now if i had. it all boils down to this: she asked for time and space, and that is what she is getting. and in this time, i'm going to flush all this crap out of my system and get back to being a decent person that people actually wanted to be around instead of the miserable slob i became.

 

i am not healed. not even close. i will never deny loving the girl, and i doubt that will ever change. but until i can honestly say that i don't think of her when i wake and when i fall to sleep, or until i can honestly say that if i am dating another girl i won't be constantly comparing her to my ex, then im not ready to move on. date other people? sure. but another serious relationship? not for a while.

 

hope this was a help to some, and to others that have already got the full benefit of NC, let me know what you think.

[krnelson2]

Very Very good post! Makes a lot of sense to me. I am only in week 1 of the SuperDave Challenge, but other than a few short messages sent I havent talked with my ex in almost 3 weeks as well. I have had many of the same feelings, and have begun the acceptance stage.

 

Moving on was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and I still dont know if its totally right, but it makes me feel better and thats what I need.

 

Props on your thoughtful post, I'm sure it will help many to gather their thoughts and see what NC can lead to after only 3 weeks.

[need2bme]

Thank you. I will be back to post more, after work.

[uniballpen]

thanks for a great post,more or less sums up where I'm at,after a few weeks around xmas of periodic txting Im now heading in the sunset on the back of NC.......I suspose the great thing about NC is that it doesn't make the pain or the hurt go away but gives you a goal to set yourself and I suspose even that little goal helps you move on to bigger and better things,any time I feel like sending a message I remember how * * * *ty I felt sending the last one (will she reply/wont she....she did almost immediately but thats here nor there,almost a little ego boost to her)....I'd like to thank everyone on this forum I think I would have gone insane,lost my job and severly annoyed my friends without it,if only I had found it 8 weeks ago rather than 4 up the good work