My issues with a long ago breakup

[Daver]

Not sure how things work around as I'm new, but I'll give it a shot....

 

I spent most of high school and some of college with a great girl, the first for everything. As with most first relationships, things were fairly intense and included a big transition for both of us going to college, which was a difficult time for both of us and we helped each other though it. Our relationship was one of intensity and love. As a result of a poor first year college experience, she switched schools and found a new group of friends and consquently broke up with me. In the process, she informed that I wasn't intelligent/successful enough to date her. Painful at the time to say the least.

 

I spent the next three years of college with her always on my mind at some level. I tried dating numerous girls and I never seemed to be the one they wanted, which furthered the hurt.

 

During this time, I saw her a few times during visits home, usually running into her at a bar. The last time I saw her about 5 years ago (2 after we'd broken up) and asked about having a discussion about closure, she said that her boyfriend won't appreciate any meeting with me...

 

Over the next couple years, I heard various information her about successes as a lawyer and met a great girl myself... But the hurt never went away and I still thought about her all the time.

 

About a month ago, I found out that she married an Ivy league graduate, who's the CEO of a healthcare company. The wedding annoucment in the paper made me want to be sick.

 

This has only made it worse and I have the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time. My current girl knows of this and asked me if I would rather have been with my first, which was a very complicated moment. Our relationship is stressed right now because of all of this as well.

 

I'm having real issues about how to move on from her. Worst of all, not only did we break up, but so far, she's been completely right about my level of success. It's also damaged my outlook on what it means to be successful and affected a number of other areas in my life, mostly related to work.

 

Anyway, I'm just not sure how to handle everything. I'd love to hear any thoughts or experiences that are similiar and how you handled it.

 

And, sorry this post was so long. It's the first time I've really but everyhting down on paper.

 

Dave

[pacopaco]

hi, I can't help but relate. My ex got a big time gig at a high profile firm. She started hanging with new people, etc. during that time, she told me essentially the same thing, that I was not accomplished and had no ambition, because I was still at the community college level with my education. She ened up having an affair with her boss of all people. I think sometimes we romantisize the situation, like it was us who got the raw deal, but let me assure you, she isn't happy, and she's a big barrell of messed up. she's full of regret, but she won't leave that job, thinking that because it's such a great job, she needs to stay. well, she has her reminder in front of her face everyday, and I guess she's good at blocking out the fact that this guy helped out in screwing up a good thing. Don't read so much into all that wedding announcement crap, man. all it said was that they married, nothing was said, i'm sure, that they are so happy right now. for me, I take a lot of comfort in the fact that I don't know any more about her "new life," and I don't know any less.

as for your success, how do you measure it? want to get an education, or another education, then get it. do things you want to do. Success I don't think is measured in what you do, but more in how you do it, and how you feel about what you have done.

yeah my ex has a nice job with a lot of perks and things, but she's miserable, and in my eyes, she's a failure and a disappointment. no success there.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Just read this through, and I am going to be blunt:

 

I spent most of high school and some of college with a great girl,

 

and

 

consquently broke up with me. In the process, she informed that I wasn't intelligent/successful enough to date her. Painful at the time to say the least.

 

She is NOT a great girl. She's horrible. What a nasty thing to say to someone, especially someone you love! I think you are looking at her through the eyes of a young man, which is nice, but those are not the actions of someone you want to spend your life with.

 

About a month ago, I found out that she married an Ivy league graduate, who's the CEO of a healthcare company. The wedding annoucment in the paper made me want to be sick.

 

He had better hope that he never suffers ill health or any setback, because his wife, she's gonna be outta there! I know I sound harsh, but I have to say that she does not sound like a catch. She doesn't sound like someone who would stand by her partner through thick and thin - I would take loyalty and commitment above any level of external success; I think you're a lucky man, and too good for her to be honest.

 

What I am concerned about is that she has whacked your self-esteem for six, and that you are judging success by her spite. What does it mean TO YOU to be successful? How do you want your life to be? What do you want? Judge it for yourself - live your life for yourself, not for some shallow ex-girlfriend. You sound really thoughtful and self-analytical, able to evaluate your situation. Maybe it's this idea of what you want to do that you should be exploring instead?

 

Anyway, take good care!

[Ellie2006]

Hey there Dave,

Welcome to ENA.

ENA is a great place to get support and vent your feelings so I hope to see you around.

 

Anyway, HoneyPumpkin is right: you are too focused on your ex and have allowed her words to take over yours.

 

She may have been a great person but her final words to you were pretty cruel and unnecessary and unwarranted.

 

 

Dave, everyone measures "success" in different ways, wouldn't you say? The occupation of one's spouse can be one such criterion for some but not necessarily for others.

 

In my humble opinion, I wonder if it might be helpful to consider how YOU define success (and detach yourself from HER (more superficial) definitions of success)?

 

Also, as cliched as this may sound, perhaps you can utilize this occasion as a moment for self-reflection and a good turning point in your life, if you are unhappy with your current state re work?

 

Venting is good and this is a great place to do it.

 

Take care of yourself!

 

Hugs,

Ellie 1:

[NorCaSpinna]

Hey Daver,

 

Right there with ya bud. I had actually gotten out of my first relationship (I broke up with her and realized I had made a hasty mistake and wanted to get back but she didn't want to reconcile) in October and finally got closure about a week ago. She informed me that because I was not as "independent as she was" I was unable to make the connection with her that would have gotten us to the next step...essentially because things happened and I have stayed at home, I somehow lacked the ability to connect.

 

She then didn't hesitate to remind me that one of the guys she is dating owns his own condo....it hurt at first, don't get me wrong. But then after evaluating the situation, I quickly realized that she was doing nothing more to get under my skin. And if that's something she bases her choice in men on well then, thats her loss. AND she has 2 more years of school!!! (I am a graduate)

 

I am (by virtue of talking with "wise" people and soul searching) have come to realize that sure, some people might see maturity as owning property and being farther along career wise. But those to me are the people that hit their mid-life crises like a wall at 90mph. I think that the way you are able to view life and the way that you conduct your relationships with others are the REAL key indicators of maturity. Some might think of it as building their house on sand vs. the rock. So what this guy is the CEO of a company...it's all show man. I would much rather be happily married with a fry cook at in&out than with an actress and being miserable. Maybe that's just me

 

And finally, the fact she was able to say that stuff about you...another key indicator. It seems like a big deal right now...but eventually, all the money, the cars, the houses...it all falls apart and goes away like dust. It's like someone said..."don't sweat the small stuff."

[neallo82288]

What I am worried about is the fact that you are still suffering after 7 yrs. Man, have you thought about a therapist? Your present gf might wanna go to just to see if you and her can get beyond this point.

 

Now, about her. She is materialistic and in the end the end up lonely and in poverty. The things she said about you were disrespectful and mean. But they showed that she craves material things more than love. Usually, mterialistic people end up divorced 3 - 4 times by the time they are 40.

 

So just be happy with what you have and how hard you worked to get what you have.

[Daver]

First, I want to to say thank you to everyone that posted a response. I'm fairly sure that I sound pretty crazy and probably hold the record for thinking about someone for as long as I have. But, I've not shared the full version of this with anyone, particulary the extent that this affects everything in my life. This is has become overwhelming a good majority of the time.

 

I've tried everything to feel better, most of which included making a number of bad decisions. Most of these were purchasing things to try to feel better and to compensate for my own issues. I even got an MBA to try and feel better and to try look more successful. But it just isn't happening for me.

 

I'm also jealous that she's successful and gotten everything that she wanted and I haven't. In my mind, if I become successful, my issues go away. I know this is probably a terrible way to try to feel better, but I don't know how else to do it.

 

Additionally, I feel bad that I can't share any of this with my current girlfriend, we've been together for 4 years and I've never told her any of this.

 

Most of all, I'm just really tired of having this affect everything. I would do nearly anything to erase the entire experience from day one. I do believe that the self esteem angle has some merit, but I'm not sure how to feel better about me when I've not accomplished anything that I really want.

 

How does one stop wondering, "what if?".

 

Anyway, thank you again to everybody for taking the time to read this. I really really do appreciate it!!

 

Dave