Not on the "receiving end" anymore

[xmrth]

I feel that over the course of my relationship with my boyfriend, it has verrrryyyy slllooooowwwwlllyy declined on the "receiving end" for me. For the first 4 years it was full on everything except sex. We had sex like once in a year's time because I was too afraid of getting pregnant, so we just didn't do it anymore, or at all until it had been 5 years. We only started to I think 2 years ago, and when we did, I was over the fear and we did several times each time we saw eachother and it's been that way ever since.

 

So then all those "other things" that a guy can do to a girl were switched with sex, and I can't even begin to explain how that happens or is possible, because it just kind of happened and I didn't notice it (or maybe I just didn't care) until now. So in the past year I've been on birth control pills, and so now something else has stopped, unless I specifically ask for it which makes me feel like he doesn't want to, which makes it weird. But the reason why he wont is because he does not wear a condom now that I'm on the pill and he finishes inside of me, so he doesn't want to have anything to do with that because it grosses him out.

 

I truly believe everything has a legitimate reason, but it sucks. It sucks a lot; I don't like it like this. It's not consuming me, but it's annoying at least more than half of the time. I feel like it's more about him than me now and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have talked to him about it but he doesn't like to go down on me because of that fact, but also feels like penetration counts for touching me. I don't know if that's a joke.

 

Spending time together isn't all about sex, but when we have that intimate time together, I feel like I've let it become a sort of "joke" that ooh it's all you, never me... and like now that's okay or something, and it's not okay. I've expressed my frustration but most times I let it go. I don't know if maybe I'm not doing any work myself? Maybe I can't expect him to do more without me helping him or something...

 

It's weird though because once every few/several MONTHS I am pleasantly surprised out of absolutely nowhere. I've not talked about that with him yet however.

I guess I just feel like this shouldn't happen at all but I honestly do not know where to begin. I haven't really tried yet, to be honest. But my only idea is to do what has not helped the situation.

 

Martha

[annie24]

hey martha - have you tried "positive reinforcement?" ie, tell him, "I really like it when you do......"

[xmrth]

Yes... it worked for a while but that is the only idea I have which now goes nowhere.

[annie24]

i would say to positively reinforce him. when he does it, give back to him and tell him how good he is.

 

but I am wondering if this isn't another symptom of him taking you for granted, like some of your other posts.... that seems to be the trend with him, he just takes you for granted, and you are there and you take it.

[candy604]

sounds like your bf is too comfortable with you. happened to my relationship as well, been 3 years but my bf hardly does anything sweet anymore, well neither do i i guess. For a change, why don't u set up a sweet date and surprise him or set a date each week where one of u plans something nice for the other person ( eg. skating, or going out to a nice restaurent , or hte beach..etc..).

 

But you do need to voice urself if you are sad b/c guys cannot read minds. Trust me, and he's probably clueless and if you seem fine with it, he won't know that you aren't.

[TiredMan]

I don't know the fact that you guys almost never had sex because you were afraid of getting pregnant could just be too much to handle. It would for me.

 

I mean there are pills, there are condoms, there are female contracentives, there are all of them. If that isn't enough, I don't know. Just seems like that does take a toll.

[xmrth]

I don't know what it is; he just doesn't do stuff anymore. I didn't really catch it or do anything about it until it turned into a habit for the both of us.

 

I just wish I could avoid having to repeatedly do the work to get things back to going BOTH ways, and have it just kind of happen by telling him... because it's so uncomfortable to accept anything from him when I have to actually tell him. It's uncomfortable to the point that I stop him, not that he doesn't come off as sincere but because I feel like I may as well be doing it myself, and just knowing I had to -tell- him.

 

I've told him he should start wearing condoms again or that I'd go off the pill, but I'm not serious about doing that... and so I don't follow through.

 

I hate it so much, and I miss it. He surprises me every few MONTHS, and I just wish that could be all the time again, or at least once a week. Like I said we have sex each time we see eachother, so it's not like that is stopping. I don't think that could or would ever stop but who knows... everything is so slowly changing in that department. I feel like the next logical step is to step backwards again and get into everything. I feel uncomfortable about myself because of it. I don't feel comfortable anymore.

[candy604]

hey xmrth, sometimes guys are silly and they don't know. I had to ask my bf to write me letters or do lil surprises for me...aha i call it training. But eventually he thinks of it himself now for some occasions. So i guess it can work out. I still hafta remind him though s..lol it's been 3 years already. Guys get comfortable, it happens. Don't make sex the first thing when you see each other. Perhaps it has become the focus when you see one another.

 

heh luckily u get surprised every few months. The last time i got a surprise was last year in June! Perhaps instead of expecting surprises each week ( which is alot) move onto doing things together that you both enjoy. Romatic dates, play some sports, games night etc..just enjoy the time you have together

[xmrth]

Well... surprises as in him doing things to me for once, haha.

 

We don't do that when he first steps in, though. But it's at the end of the night of seeing him.

Maybe he is tired? He is usually getting ready to leave a bit after. But I don't like to do that right when he comes in, or even in the middle we're not always at my house and are out. I suppose having more time and when he's got more energy since he's coming over after a day of work and work the next day (except Saturdays) we could try that, maybe doing things sooner than the end of the night.

 

But I really like to wait... maybe 'training' him could be that change so later on might be more beneficial.

[candy604]

hah yah tell him no bj for him if he doesn't wanna go down on you Or tell him you like it when he goes down on you blah blah...

 

or perhaps you can suggest you guys try new things in bed? buy some books or videos?

[TiredMan]

here's the thing though. You mentioned earlier that you guys barely had sex because you were so afraid of getting pregnant. Now you say that you told him to start using condoms. I'm getting the "do what I say" vibe from those statements.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Stop BJ's and stop taking care of his needs. When you get horny, masturbate and do things for yourself. If he doesn't get the idea he's dense.

[xmrth]

here's the thing though. You mentioned earlier that you guys barely had sex because you were so afraid of getting pregnant. Now you say that you told him to start using condoms. I'm getting the "do what I say" vibe from those statements.

 

So you think I'm telling him to do what I say or something? I've only told him once to wear them again and I can't even remember how long ago that was and I only said it once. I really doubt he holds us not having sex for years against me... or even cares for that matter, because he was perfectly fine with it. It's literally a distant memory for the both of us; it's been 3 years this summer since then.

[TiredMan]

So you think I'm telling him to do what I say or something? I've only told him once to wear them again and I can't even remember how long ago that was and I only said it once. I really doubt he holds us not having sex for years against me... or even cares for that matter, because he was perfectly fine with it. It's literally a distant memory for the both of us; it's been 3 years this summer since then.

 

Could be some resentment.

 

I remember the 1st g/f I ever had. She was afraid of getting pregnant too even though I was wearing condoms. Eventually she stopped doing that (after a month or so) but I was like almost out the door. My thinking was "don't get in a relationship and u won't have to worry about that stuff". And keep in mind for you guys it was YEARS, not a month. And he stuck around through all that.

 

I don't know if he's holding a grudge. Maybe he isn't, maybe he is. Have you asked to know for sure?

 

People are giving advice based on the theory that he might be selfish. But he went through years of pretty much no sex. If anything, that tells me is very unselfish. There is usually something else there, IMO.

[annie24]

condoms have a 15% failure rate. in my book, she had a pretty good reason to be worried about getting pregnant. xmrth, you said for the first few years of the relationship you weren't having sex with him, but you two started dating when you were....14? so, from that point of view, I think you may have been too young then anyways, and that you two did the right thing in holding off.

 

I never said he was selfish, just that he is taking you for granted. and i think you are letting him take you for granted. I read an interview where Prince William's gf (Kate) tells people that he is lucky to be dating HER. that is the attitude you should adopt.

[candy604]

yeah you should mention to him again that he needs to wear a condom. If you said it once and he didnt' take it seriously and you let it go, he won't think your comment was that valuable.

[CarnelianButterfly]

condoms have a 15% failure rate. in my book, she had a pretty good reason to be worried about getting pregnant.

Yep!

 

And id he is so squeamish that he can't handle being oral when its his own ejaculate present then he should deal with that himself. That to me says he's willing to put something in her body that he himself is not willing to partake of.

[TiredMan]

 

I never said he was selfish, just that he is taking you for granted. and i think you are letting him take you for granted. I read an interview where Prince William's gf (Kate) tells people that he is lucky to be dating HER. that is the attitude you should adopt.

 

Then she would be no better. If any famous man walked around in interviews saying "women are lucky to date ME", how badly would so many people think of him?

 

My point was that anyone who is in a committed relationship for years and stays in it even though they don't have sex for years, is anything but selfish in my eyes.

[TiredMan]

condoms have a 15% failure rate.

 

link removed

 

"When condoms are used reliably, they have been shown to prevent pregnancy up to 98 percent of the time among couples using them as their only method of contraception."

[annie24]

link removed

 

"When condoms are used reliably, they have been shown to prevent pregnancy up to 98 percent of the time among couples using them as their only method of contraception."

 

when used correctly. many people don't, which is why I said 85%.

[TiredMan]

when used correctly. many people don't, which is why I said 85%.

 

Then it's the responsibility of the people using them. You can't use that argument.

 

With that logic, one could say "people should never eat" because a percentage of people don't eat right and get sick.

[xmrth]

I don't know what the difference is... who knows how it would have been; he didn't mind. So wait, I'm selfish, or I'm not selfish, or...? I can honestly say that has no bearing on now. It's not like we flat out never ever ever did, it was just a few years of it being once in a blue moon. It is such a distant memory it just is not important and I don't think it was then because we did everything else all of the time.

I'll talk to him tonight about the issue at hand, just come right out and talk about it and see what he says and what happens.

[FCTex]

So will he not do it before sex? I don't mind doing it if she asks. Like the shower suggestion.. Try doing it IN the shower, it's something different. Try 69. It's a nice trick to get things moving in the right direction. I can totally understand about the, being there moments before and putting my face there. I'll pass.

 

I generally don't like to do it. It's just not comfortable for me, she takes too damn long and I end up with a crick' in my neck. Plus I hate the mess all over my face..

[CarnelianButterfly]

So wait, I'm selfish, or I'm not selfish, or...?

 

You're not selfish. You're concern for your body and future are very important. Any man who would consider a request of using a condom an act of selfishness is a moron. The condom is a protection for you both, it prevents the spread of disease and protects both of you from unwanted children, in this day men are only a paternity test away from being financially responsible.

[TiredMan]

I don't know what the difference is... who knows how it would have been; he didn't mind. So wait, I'm selfish, or I'm not selfish, or...? I can honestly say that has no bearing on now. It's not like we flat out never ever ever did, it was just a few years of it being once in a blue moon. It is such a distant memory it just is not important and I don't think it was then because we did everything else all of the time.

I'll talk to him tonight about the issue at hand, just come right out and talk about it and see what he says and what happens.

 

Not that cut and dry, IMO. Point was that you were scared and for years, it was "once in a blue moon". I know you say it's a long time ago and a distant memory but you can't be sure it is for him. People hold on to things. But someone who was willing to barely have sex for YEARS does not sound like the type of person (selfish) you are describing now. They just don't connect. Unless they drastically changed. But something usually ends up making that happen.

 

It's good to talk about it. I am wondering how the talk went and what he said.