How do I do this gently...

[shep88ner]

im in college and my girlfriend is still in highschool. this is my second quarter here and the whole first quarter i had absolutly no friends and did nothing basically. so i went home a lot because that's where all my friends that were left were and i could be with my girlfriend.

 

well, this quarter things have started to change. the fraternity im in has really picked up and im making new friends now and hanging out with people and doing things now. so my desire to go home all the time, every weekend just about has deminished some. true, i'd like to go home every now and then, but the longest ive ever gone without going home is 2 weeks!!!

 

my girlfriend is very clingy and gets REALLY upset when i cant come home. to her it's no big deal, she goes to school, she comes home, and im home. but for me and my parents it's harder because im over an hour and a half away and to make the trip all the time is difficult. i would not bother me one bit to be here a month or so without going home.

 

i'd actually like to see 2 weeks turn into 3-4 weeks or longer. it's as if im not even away at college im home so much. and now that im starting to get involved im wanting to stay here more. nothing against her, but you cant tell her that, she's deffinatly going to take it as i dont care about her anymore...

 

how do i do this? she's very stubborn and has crazy thoughts. if im not home, she see's it as i dont care anymore...which is insane. any hints or tips?

[Meow18]

I can honestly understand how you feel.

 

You ARE at home. School is your home during the semesters, and even though it's hard to get used to at first, now it's really starting to feel like home for you.

 

I know my sister came home EVERY weekend for her first year of school. But now, it's her second year, and I think she's only been home twice, if that much. It's totally normal to not feel the need to go home all the time. It's normal to not want to go home, even though you have family and some good friends there.

 

I think you need to talk to your girlfriend. She obviously won't understand it though. How could she? She will see it as you not wanting to see her even though that's not it at all.

 

But whether or not she will understand, you still need to explain it to her. It's not easy for you to go home as often as she would like any way.

 

If she can't accept it, and gives you a hard time about it, it might be time to let go of her. I know that probably isn't what you want, but if keeping the relationship is only putting more stress on you both, then it's probably for the better.

 

You deserve to be able to enjoy yourself. You are making new friends, and really starting to enjoy your time at school. This won't last forever.

[Honey Pumpkin]

You're growing up and shifting perspectives - as Meow says, it's that weird thing when home becomes where you live during term time, rather than home home.

 

Do you still want to carry on seeing your girlfriend, though, or are you considering that things should take a break? It sounds a little bit like you are not too invested in that relationship either, and that probably will be why your girlfriend is upset. Because she will also worry that the relationship is slowly coming to an end.

 

If not, maybe she could visit you at weekends? But I think you're right, this is a great time in your life, and it's good to really make the most of it, rather than spend a third of the time back home and missing out on your college years.

 

Good luck!

[shep88ner]

You're growing up and shifting perspectives - as Meow says, it's that weird thing when home becomes where you live during term time, rather than home home.

 

Do you still want to carry on seeing your girlfriend, though, or are you considering that things should take a break? It sounds a little bit like you are not too invested in that relationship either, and that probably will be why your girlfriend is upset. Because she will also worry that the relationship is slowly coming to an end.

 

If not, maybe she could visit you at weekends? But I think you're right, this is a great time in your life, and it's good to really make the most of it, rather than spend a third of the time back home and missing out on your college years.

 

Good luck!

 

 

im very invested in this relationship. we just celebrated our 1 year anniversary and i couldnt be happier. we're both extremely happy together and the last thing i want is for it to end. she's just not very understanding sometimes and i dont want to hurt her feelings or make her feel unwanted. i love her very much. she doesnt have very many friends to hang out with outside of school so after she gets out, im really the only person she hangs out with. we do so much together and spend so much time together. and then i left and she's really lonely and misses me a whole lot. she just doesnt always see both sides of the story, she doesnt see it as..."it's the weekend but he has a lot of work to do"...she see's it as "it's the weekend, he doesnt have class tomorrow, he should be home". its just really hard because i dont want something like this to end what we have, that would devistate me, but on the otherhand i dont want to miss out on what i have growing here either...it's just really really hard.

 

im going home this next weekend and i think im going to sit down with her and have a real talk about it. she'll probably get mad, she'll probably be really upset with me...but it's bound to happen eventually i guess

[sophie274]

Maybe she could come visit you at college one day during the week-end? That might be fun for both of you, it saves you the trip, and it's not the whole week-end. Plus that way you're not missing out on your frat's activities.

[Rabican]

Just talk to her honestly, tell her how you feel. That you want to spend some more time at school, you need to study, you have a few new friends, you are tired of making the trip every week etc. See if she can come and visit you once in a while as a compromise.

 

If she cant handle that... then maybe you are better off apart.

[Meow18]

All you can do is talk to her and explain it as best as possible. Maybe even print your post and let her read that.

 

Then what? If she is still willing to try to get through this and try understand, then I can see the relationship working. If she can learn to get by without seeing you for at least 2 or 3 weeks at a time, then there's a good chance this will work.

 

But if she continuously calls you 5 times a day crying because she misses you, that's going to HURT the relationship. It's ok to miss her or for her to miss you, but it's not ok to build your life around missing the other. She needs to go out with her friends too.

 

My boyfriend and I were in a similar situation. I was still at home while he was away at school. And it WAS hard. But you have to learn to cope with the little amount of time you can spend together. We talked a little on messenger and we emailed each other at least once a day. So I still felt like he was making time for me even though he was over an hour away.

 

Like I said, this can work out if she's willing to be patient and understanding. If she can't, then it's only going to add more stress.. and that's not good.

[shep88ner]

a big problem in this is that she doesnt really have friends she hangs out with outside of school. she's popular in school and all but she doesnt hang out with anyone really. she has a lot of "aquantinces" rather than friends. she's very mature for her age and all the high school drama has turned her away from a lot of people because of the constant 'he said she said" stuff and people writing about people on the bathroom doors and such.

 

the weeks leading up to me leaving was really tough on us. it was exp. tough on her. and after a few weeks of being here and i didnt have any friends, i think it was almost a relief to her that i wasnt out partying and ignoring her as soon as i got here. but now things are happening very quickly and im afraid she's going to get out of this confort zone and be threatened by my new life-style and out of fear of me forgeting about her, she gets upset and lashes out at me...

 

i think we'll work, but there's going to be a lot of tears and a lot of swearing...but i think we can eventually get over it

[rikka]

Kind of looks like it is the proverbial "make it or break it" time for the two of you. I am glad you have a happy, solid relationship, BUT two major things:

 

1) Your relationship should never hold you back. You should not stop living your life out of guilt/fear/obligation to your partner. And your partner should respect that. It doesn't sound like you want to go out and party all the time or do "stupid" things, moreso it sounds like you want to experience your life at college. That is fair and more than acceptable. Your girlfriend should be supportive of that.

 

2) Your girlfriend needs to establish a life outside of you. I have seen you comment on it before. You cannot be her sun and her moon. I think you are aware of that, it is just a matter of her realizing it as well. Her dependency on you could hurt your relationship, especially as you are taking steps towards expanding your life.

 

You are a down to earth guy, I commend you for realizing that this is going to be a painful process... my advice, it is kind of like a band-aid: pull it off quick and be done with it. Sit her down/call her and just lay it out, like you have told us. It isn't like you are trying to reduce the relationship, you are trying to expand yourself (which is ultimately good for the relationship). She probably isn't going to like it but she has to learn to deal with it, otherwise it will cause problems in your relationship.

 

It is late and I am rambling, so I am going to stop. Good luck!

[Meow18]

In my opinion, your girlfriend just needs to make friends. What a perfect time for her to have her own life when you are away any way. She shouldn't be sitting at home waiting for you to call or something.

 

The "high school drama" is not just high school. You will figure that out. It happens at work, in the dorm, within families, and really, sometimes it can get worse as you get older. Drama happens in every circle of friends at some point in life. So I don't buy the fact that she doesn't want to hang out with people because of that drama. The best way to stay out of it is to just stay out of it. Don't say things when it's not your place to say them.

 

I'm not trying to make it seem like your girlfriend is just a pathetic girl who waits around for you. I just think that since you said she doesn't have any friends, it's because she has devoted a lot of her life to you, and now would be the perfect time for her to either make new friends or get in touch with old friends.

 

She won't ever be happy being lonely at home while you are away partying and making friends.