Valentines day

[bigheart09]

GFIT,

In this particular case, the woman dumped Russ and has not contacted him since she said she wanted space. Blender is saying that because the dumper is the one who stopped contact that she should be the one to make the effort. In this case, Russ already tried telling her how he feels and now it is her turn to tell him she feels the same way or the situation stays the same. Russ can send the card, but it will just make the situation worse....(in my opinion) But, of course, he could send a card, and she could started contact again. Who knows.

[ramsickle1369]

OK, two things...

 

#1--Why NOT send a little Hey Happy V-Day card? So what if she broke up? If your heart tells you to do it, do it. Not like it's going to harm anything, I mean, she already broke things off. If you do nothing else in life, listen to your heart. Anything less causes FAR too many regrets. Personally, I'd rather regret being TOO NICE than not letting people know I care about them.

 

#2--What's with the synicism regarding V-Day? I mean, it's about LOVE. Not cards and flowers and all the other BS. It's ONE day out of the year where people who are lucky enough to HAVE SOMEONE get to show that person what having their love means to them. You don't have to DO or BUY anything at all. Spend ONE day and give that person 100% of your attention, FOR ONE DAY.

 

I would feel like a million bucks if the man I wanted actually took the time to give me his attention for an entire day and show me how he felt about me. It would be so much better than ANYTHING he could purchase.

[bubbles07]

Umm I too was wondering what to do on Valentines day about my ex gf but I thought about it and came to the conclusion that she has to really realize what it is like without me in her life and thereforeeee it wouldn't be a good idea to send her anything, not even a phone call. The reason I'm saying that is because if she still thinks I'm hung up on her and haven't moved on then she will be expecting me to contact her in some way that day. If I don't contact her that will throw her of alittle bit and maybe then she will realize that I'm not just sitting around still dwelling on her, I actually have accepted the fact thats it over and moving on in my life and that I don't see her like that no more. If shes expecting you to do something and you don't do it, it'll make them think.

[GoingForIt_77]

"I would feel like a million bucks if the man I wanted actually took the time to give me his attention for an entire day and show me how he felt about me."

 

Right, but in his case and in most of ours, she would NOT feel like a million bucks because it's WAY TOO DIRECT and spells out pressure and desperation.

 

There are other ways to reach out, other than your standard holidays. It could be something more personalized, but make it seem like it's no big deal. An article you came accross that you thought she would be interested in, or something of that nature.

[ramsickle1369]

Right, but in his case and in most of ours, she would NOT feel like a million bucks because it's WAY TOO DIRECT and spells out pressure and desperation.

 

I disagree, repsectfully, of course. You wouldn't want to send one of those sappy I-love-you-with-all-my-heart cards, but you could certainly send a silly one that just states, "Happy V-Day". Heck, my mother and my firends send me cards just to say they're thinking of me.

 

Even tho you broke up, it doesn't mean you don't care. I am sure I'll send my X-Husband a V-day card. And I was the one that left. I still love him and he's still a good guy and still a good friend. He deserves to find love again and I hope he does. It doesn't mean I want to get back together, tho.

[bigheart09]

I disagree, repsectfully, of course. You wouldn't want to send one of those sappy I-love-you-with-all-my-heart cards, but you could certainly send a silly one that just states, "Happy V-Day". Heck, my mother and my firends send me cards just to say they're thinking of me.

 

Even tho you broke up, it doesn't mean you don't care. I am sure I'll send my X-Husband a V-day card. And I was the one that left. I still love him and he's still a good guy and still a good friend. He deserves to find love again and I hope he does. It doesn't mean I want to get back together, tho.

 

In your case, it is okay. The point of the OP was if Russ should send one or not. In his particular case, I dont think he should.

[bubbles07]

ramsickle thats the thing, you broke up with him so its okay for you to send things like that, but in most of our cases where we are the dumpees, reaching out like that on a "romantic day" may just seem either too desperate, or not being over that person and still thinking of them in a romantic way. I think that it may send the message that you still want to be with them and right now thats not the kind of message dumpee should be sending a dumper if the dumper wants space. Thats just my opinion

[ramsickle1369]

I can understand your point. When I left last V-day, my X sent me a full boquet of roses. It was merely a last ditch effort to salvage 5 years of marriage, and yes, I was somewhat irritated with it. BUT, not getting them would have been the better option. Largely b/c I was already done with it all. Something more subtle would have made a bigger impact.

 

If the intent is to get back together eventually, and he does nothing, believe me, she'll remember that, forever. She'll think "he didn't even care enough on VALENTINE'S DAY to send something!" And that kind of anger sticks with ya. I stand by my opinion, respecting yours. I was recently dumped, too. And although I wouldn't send anything mushy, I'd still send a friendly hello.

 

Strange how when people are involved in a relationship they tend to do very little, then when the relationship ends, they are dying to do something on that special day. Since the divorce, I just live my life by my heart. If I screw up, so be it.

[bubbles07]

I can see where you are coming from too ramsickle, maybe sending a card saying something like "thinking of you" (not a mushy one) wouldn't be too bad i guess.

[GoingForIt_77]

Bubbles is right.

 

The act in itself is not appropriate if we're not sure if it's going to be welcomed.

 

It's like I thought of sending my ex a poem last week. A poem by her favorite author, but I thought twice of doing that, because yeah, even though it's something she would have loved to have received while with me, now that we're not together, it will scare her off and it will come accross as being desperate and even pathetic. She won't appreciate it, nor will she have respect for me having done that. WHY? Because she will not feel she deserves that kind of treatment. She will feel guilty and look down on me for not respecting myself. Sweet gesture or not.

 

If you show your disdain on holidays and don't do what they would be expecting us too, it makes them REALLY take notice and they regain some of that lost respect they once had for us and out of a regained respect, can develop interest.

 

There is nothing wrong with doing something for her, but something grand like that (even if it's a small card), will turn her off. I know, because I sent a fish to one of my ex's work a few years ago (post breakup). I waited for a call from her for hours after I knew she would have received it. I was expecting her to call me up and thank me, but that call never came. I ended up calling her and she said that the gift scared her and more damage was done. I didn't learn from my mistakes, because with the next ex (not my current one) I sent her an expensive box set Mo-Town 4 CD compilation by mail, thinking she'll for sure love it and that wasn't the case. I even called her to ask her if she got it. She never even called me up to tell me she did.

 

Pattern anyone? Those types of stuff never work.

 

Look, I think the point is, they don't want us to kiss their feet. They automatically feel guilty and lose respect for us and they will want to STAY far away at that point.

 

If you do anything, make it seem effortless and let some time pass. An email with a link is a non-threatening (vague) move, which can be simply interpreted for what it is.

 

Stick to the

[bubbles07]

good point goingforit, I also think that it would hurt the dumpee more if they made that kind of effort and then the dumper didn't acknowledege the effort. It would hurt me I know if I sent her a card and she didn't call or text or email me to let me know that she was thankful for it.

[GoingForIt_77]

Bubbles, that's because you depend too much on what she thinks. You MUST get stronger. If she senses that strength in you, she will 100% respond to you. If you are scared of getting rejected, don't do it! Go in, expecting NOTHING. That should always be your attitude.

 

This is why most of them left us. We put too much emphasis on what THEY thought, or what they did or didn't give us. We demanded TOO much from them. They felt overwhelmed and couldn't deal with that kind of pressure, of always trying to please us and always worry that it just wouldn't be good enough for us.

[bubbles07]

It not what she thinks that gonna bug me just her not even saying thank you will just p*** me off lol. Also wouldn't you want to see if they try and make an effort on that day for you? If they dumped you for whatever reason, wouldn't you want to see if they felt it was necessary to do something as well? If they don't think that its worth it, then why should we?

[GoingForIt_77]

Bubbles I can now see that you have the wrong attitude man. You are STILL expecting something from your ex. She owes you NOTHING. When you begin to understand that and accept that, you will have progressed to where you have to get within yourself.

 

She is under no obligation to do anything. It's that attitude of expecting her to be this way or do that that probably pushed her away in the first place.

 

You have to give without expecting ANYTHING in return, otherwise don't give at all.

[ramsickle1369]

Bubbles I can now see that you have the wrong attitude man. You are STILL expecting something from your ex. She owes you NOTHING. When you begin to understand that and accept that, you will have progressed to where you have to get within yourself.

 

She is under no obligation to do anything. It's that attitude of expecting her to be this way or do that that probably pushed her away in the first place.

 

You have to give without expecting ANYTHING in return, otherwise don't give at all.

 

Wow, I never thought of it that way. I always give and give. I guess that’s why I always end up feeling alone.

 

GoinForit, It sounds like you are a thoughtful person. I’m sorry that you wasted that beautiful effort on someone who couldn’t see it.

 

I absolutely understand what you guys are saying about pressure. I suppose I am guilty of that, too. I agree that it’s just plain RUDE to not say thank you. I never realized that giving could be construed as a negative thing.

 

Guess I too have lots to learn, yet. No V-Day gifts to the dumper!!!! :sad:

[TonyMar75]

Wow, guys, I just read this whole thread and think I've changed my mind 10 times about sending my ex a card. You all make great points on both sides but I'm just as confused as I was before.

 

Please forgive this long post, but if anyone has a few minutes and can offer some advice, I'd appreciate it.

 

I work with my ex. She dumped me between Christmas and New Years, and we've seen each other five days a week since then. Of course it's tortuous for me -- some of the most difficult days of my life, to be honest with you.

 

Right after the break-up, I told her face to face and in a heartfelt letter how I understood all her reasons, but that I thought they could be overcome: she didn't think we're compatible, and she also felt I was too selfish to be in a relationship. Her reply to my request for another chance: "I feel like I've made the right decision." That was Jan. 4, and of course, those words have been ringing in my ears since then, and every time I think of them it's like a knife to the heart. They have really helped me stick to NC, as hard as it's been.

 

I really loved this woman but had begun to take her for granted. It was a wake-up call, but by then it was too late.

 

Since that last discussion, I've had pretty strong NC -- except, of course, for work-related exchanges, and I've asked her once about her family and her ailing grandpa. I've done what I could to be the upbeat, postive, smiling person she fell in love -- I'm working out, I'm making sure I look my best, I've even joined an online dating service. (Ugh, it hurts just to type it). Most important, I'm being genuinely friendly to her, but mentioning nothing about us. I'm trying to follow the sage advice I've found here. I'm moving on, or at least trying.

 

But during the last few staff meetings, our gazes met and neither of us let it go. I try my best to just keep it as playful as possible -- no hound-dog eyes, just a look and a smile. And I swear I see something in that look of hers, some sense that as we look at each other we're both feeling how absurd it is that we're not together.

 

I know, I know. It sounds like the classic "misread" -- the brokenhearted looking desperately for any sign that there will be another chance. Trust me, that is what I keep repeating in my head every time I feel my hopes surge!

 

Except for these gazes and smiles, she has not asked me how I've been, about my family, anything. I understand. In the end, I'm trying so hard to believe that it almost certainly is over, that those gazes are not what I think they are -- that she feels guilty and uncomfortable, has no desire to get back together and is just trying to let me heal.

 

I want to assume that. It takes all the power in my being, but I'm managing to do it some parts of the day.

 

But I also feel the urge to make just one more effort, one more reminder for her that my feelings have not changed. I feel confident that, if there was no response on her part, I really WOULD make it my last effort.

 

As I mentioned, it's been since Jan. 4 that I've had NC-except-friendly-work-exchanges. Valentine's Day is a few weeks off. February would be 40 days of NC (unless she breaks it). If she doesn't try to reach out to me by then, I know I should probably take it as a clear sign she's over me.

 

But this from Ramsickle is sticking with me:

 

If the intent is to get back together eventually, and he does nothing, believe me, she'll remember that, forever. She'll think "he didn't even care enough on VALENTINE'S DAY to send something!" And that kind of anger sticks with ya. I stand by my opinion, respecting yours. I was recently dumped, too. And although I wouldn't send anything mushy, I'd still send a friendly hello.

 

I had planned to send a simple card with just a few of my own words, but with words that would let her know that my feelings haven't changed. Now I'm thinking that a funny card with a simple "Miss you" would be better. But that feels a little ambiguous.

 

It would be impossible to do so without some hope and expectations, I know. But in the end, the desire for this last piece of closure is so strong. I just feel that if I don't hear anything about what I would consider my final attempt that it would lay all my doubt to rest and I really could move on.

 

Any suggestions?

 

If you took the time to read this, thank you for your kindness.

[ramsickle1369]

Tony, I've actually changed my mind I think. I believed I was just showing the good person I am. I never entertained the idea that it would be perceived as a weakness. And frankly, that annoys me to the end! If someone is sweet, they're needy? I don't understand it at all.

 

That said, V-Day is a few weeks yet. If you send ANYTHING, make it something that has NO sentimental value. This way, you accomplish letting her know she means something to you, but a "miss you" would, under the definition I've learned here, make you (and me) sound needy.

 

Now I don't know what to do! LOL!

[GoingForIt_77]

She could see that I was thoughtful. She knew I was and we're talking about my former ex now (not my past ones). She new that I was a good person, but the fact is, I hurt her really bad. I damaged her ego and she had to pull out to save herself from further heartache, of which I was causing her.

 

It would appear now from her actions that she has completely cancelled me out of her life (blocked me everything) and is on 2 chat lines. She's dealing with her hurt in her own way and I have to stand back and watch it from a distance for now (NC).

 

I am respecting her space and her in the process.

 

I am sleeping tonight in the bed I made for myself. I cannot change her mind, nor will I try to.

 

I know not to make the same mistakes with her (post-breakup) as I have done with former ex's. If given the chance, I would never hurt her again.

 

Right now, I have to continue to use my head and not let my emotions guide me.

 

I still love her, even though she is out of sight right now. She is not out of mind though. Not by a long shot. She thinks she can replace me by connecting with the masses. I say that won't happen. She is running away from the hurt and is looking for someone to take it away. I am looking to take away my own. I have to grow even stronger and healthier right now, while continuing to respect the "little bit of space" she asked for a week ago.

 

She has kept herself really busy in the last week (her facebook activity proves that), but guess what? I have done something with her, that I have never done with any other ex before and that's actually respect her space and those are ACTIONS that will speak louder than my words and promises ever could.

[GoingForIt_77]

Ramsickle, you have to understand that it is UNWANTED when someone dumps you. It's unwanted pressure and the timing is off. It is usually seen as a means to get the person back, because that is usually the intention and it automatically raises suspicions. That is human nature.

 

It is TOO direct. The only way to approach an ex is in the most non-threatening, indirect, confident and aloof manner. It's the only way. There can be no signs of eagerness, neediness and desperation. That is what drove them away in the first place.

[ramsickle1369]

sad... but true... point taken

[TonyMar75]

Tony, I've actually changed my mind I think. I believed I was just showing the good person I am. I never entertained the idea that it would be perceived as a weakness. And frankly, that annoys me to the end! If someone is sweet, they're needy? I don't understand it at all.

 

That said, V-Day is a few weeks yet. If you send ANYTHING, make it something that has NO sentimental value. This way, you accomplish letting her know she means something to you, but a "miss you" would, under the definition I've learned here, make you (and me) sound needy.

 

Now I don't know what to do! LOL!

 

Thanks so much, Ramsickle. I'm laughing right along with you, and I gotta say it feels really good to get some humor going about this considering the last three weeks I've had!

 

The "miss you" point is a great one. I just thought it was more subtle than this quote that I was thinking about:

 

Break a vase, and the love that reassembles the fragments is stronger than that love which took its symmetry for granted when it was whole.

Derek Walcott

 

I know what you're going to say: bad idea. But if she really was having second thoughts, would that really make her say, "Nope, that does it. He's too needy." No, if she is having second thoughts, it's the door I need to open, even if it's the last time I offer that open door to her. If I don't hear anything, sure it's a setback in the process of healing my broken heart, but I feel in that same heart that she wouldn't decide against trying again just because I reached out one time after more than a month of giving her space and working on myself.

 

I really do want to wait for her to make the effort. I really want to go by the slogan, "If it's meant to be, if she wants it to be, she'll make it happen." But I feel I'd be cursed to a lifetime of wondering, "What if?"

 

And I have to say, those few gazes I mentioned that we have shared at work in the past week or so factor so very heavily into this decision. It's kind of hard to convey that feeling, that dynamic here in these forums, and in the end, that's really the X-factor when it comes to the advice we get here, isn't it?

 

That may be, but the people here are amazing and it has, quite frankly, been my strength in the last three weeks.

[ramsickle1369]

I'm glad you are still able to laugh. I totally agree, w/o the support here, I too would have withered away! Thanks!

 

Well, since we both have a few weeks yet, let's make a deal... We make no initiation, and if we do get those alluring looks, we consciously look away from them. Play like we don't WANT that look. and... maybe, if it's in the cards, THEY will make an effort BEFORE V-Day to open such a door. I'm willing to give it a go.

 

I know I've been "needy" (too much heartache and loss the past year). I know for me, I need to stay away so that I can get strong and not feel the need for that person.

There can be no signs of eagerness, neediness and desperation. That is what drove them away in the first place.

Ya know, I've heard this SO MANY times... It never sunk in that being eager meant I was desperate. Thanks for driving the point home. It IS desperation.

[TonyMar75]

Big sigh, Ramsickle. I just don't know if I can make that deal. I can, without hesitation, stick with NC until Valentines Day. No doubt. That was supposed to be one of the best ways to know for sure what she was feeling. If she doesn't ask one thing about my life, doesn't initiate any contact at all by then, that was going to be my sign.

 

I can promise do my best to not INITIATE those staff meeting looks. Here's just a little context--we worked together and dated for nine months. It was always natural when someone made a joke or something weird and/or funny came up, we would look at each other and share a laugh and jolt of electricity through our eyes. Again, I'm trying SO HARD to make myself believe that the recent looks are just an old habit dying hard on her part. But I feel like she would be more careful about encouraging me like that, that she wouldn't look my way, and certainly wouldn't let her gaze linger. But it's happening. My tactic--let it happen if she looks my way, but don't try to start it by looking at her. But I've been able to see from the corner of my eye that she looks toward me once in a while and I will look back -- and of course the key is that it's not a sad, "I'm heartbroken" look.

 

Thanks again, Ramsickle.

[TonyMar75]

I meant to say why I couldn't make that deal, Ram: if those looks are an invitation on her part, that "open door" I was talking about giving her, than I fear that rejecting that would be telling her that I'm not interested. I don't want to risk that, because part of the problem when we were together is she thought I wasn't making the effort and sacrfices necessary for a relationship.

[CharlesF]

FaeriesWearBoots,

 

Does your employer line your pockets every month? Mine does.