How do you stand up to "bullies"?

[xmrth]

I honestly do not have trouble standing up for myself-- I do not hold back in the least. So WHY do I have trouble with people who are 100% a bully? I feel like I freeze and don't know what to say, and I can NOT stand up for myself. If someone is saying something about me or something like that, it's not a problem-- it's so hard to describe the difference.

 

There's only one person in particular, and it's my boss. And I'm not afraid because she's my boss-- I don't even take that into consideration because I'm in college and it's just for income; I don't even care what it looks like if I were to get fired. I probably wouldn't, but she's an example.

 

Like drilling me on the spot out of nowhere about things, and I'm just like "um, um, um." And she STARES at me. She's "34" (yeah, 40) and nobody can stand her, not even the other managers. And she's just out of her mind.... just, a bully. Overbearing, controlling... nothing to do with the fact she's a boss, just who she is.

 

What gets me is when somebody STARES at me, and asks me questions. Like my aunt, which I like a lot and no problems, who just came over is asking me about my tan... which she already knows about. I've had a tan since MAY. Things like that-- like personal questions... I mean, what do you do? I can't even act like myself or stick up for myself.

 

Do I look like a target or something? I just don't get it.

 

I mean what do you do? Why do I freeze? I don't care about them or people like them; why are they so... weird? My aunt is my aunt, but anyone else... thankfully it's just my boss but obviously I'd like to know how to deal with other people who are "bullies" and just .... overbearing.

 

I feel like I know what to say to stand up for myself, like if someone says something stupid-- I've got like a list of things to say. When I was in middle school, like your average little kid, people say things to you and in my case I never knew what to say so I started to do this. And now nobody can touch me; I know exactly what to say to anything, EXCEPT with my boss and people like that. People who stare and just... I can't describe it. Somebody has got to know what I mean! Staring, asking questions you're not prepared for (forget that she's my boss) like they just challenge you or something. There's definitely people who I know that have a hint of this in them, too. And I've always been so uncomfortable and it's like nothing I say does anything, just makes it longer and worse.

 

I'm actually reading this right now-- link removed

 

Martha

[Luke Skywalker]

Jesus can help you fight your bullies. David fought Goliath by having faith in God and you can too.

[zerohalo]

Being a total outcast in junior high and high school, I have more than my fair share of experience with bully's. That kind of world is a little different than the work place, but only slightly. I would just stand up to the person, it really is that simple.

 

Now because this woman is your boss, that adds a whole new dimension to the issue. My boss is a bully too, but he very much respects someone when they stand up for themselves. The stare down is a tough one, I find that all the prepared remarks I had just vanish with that stare. So, my answer is to get angry instead of to let it make me more timid. I just think, "I damn well do know what I'm talking about, and it's not my fault you're too big of an idiot to recognize that."

 

Be confident in your work, in what you do... own it. It's much harder for a boss to push you around when you can shoot down their petty, and often unwarranted, concerns.

 

In day to day life, just let the fire build inside of you. You do not have to take crap from people, and you can let them know it. Chances are they get away with it all the time, so someone actually putting them in their place would be something they don't know how to deal with.

[prettydance]

Take Donald trumps advice:

"bullies are the most frightened people.

 

Rosie`s a bully, and you hit a bully between the eyes."

 

he is obnoxious but its true, ive had bosses like that, stand up for yourself. Come out and say I dont appreciate the way your speaking to me, be agrresive-talk back..

 

Most bullies will respect you so much for standing up to them, they may even befriend you,,

 

if you keep freezing up she will always see you as a target..

[caro33]

I think that the issue of managing bullies also comes down to the environment you are in and the support available. I had a bullying boss for three years, in an arm of government that was seen as ‘independent’ from the rest of government, and thus sat somewhat outside the usual protections government affords its staff.

 

She was a nightmare from the first week, and after three years of it I ended up with stomach problems and massive anxiety problems. My relationship ending probably also had something to do with that situation. I stayed because it was an area of public policy that no one in our country had covered yet, and I was researching the issue for my higher degree.

 

I knew that if I said something it would probably not help, because the organisation didn’t know what to do with her, and chose to turn a blind eye. By the time I came out and called her a bully I found she’s been trying to discredit me with the new boss for a while, and the new boss believed I was the one with the problem. It was really hurtful because I was a good worker.

 

I went to counselling to see if there were ways of dealing with this woman, and the counsellor ended up telling me that her personality was not manageable, and I needed to get out.

 

I tried to get advice from everyone I knew, but nothing was able to equip me with the means of managing an aggressive and irrational person whose views on things seemed to change daily, and who had no insight into her behaviour. She was obviously extremely threatened by me, and she had a reputation throughout the industry for being mad and difficult.

 

It’s over three years later, and I have just found out she’s in mediation with her fourth harried female staff member since me. The organisation is still not backing its staff and is telling them that they have the problem with her, not the organisation as a whole. Even though everyone there hates her and is fully aware.

 

The moral of my story is that there are some people you just cannot manage. If you are in a position of lesser power than them you can’t really call them to account unless you will be supported by the organisation. If you have equal power and don't have to have too much interaction, you just stay away from these crazy people. No one wants to know about these situations.

 

I just hope karma gets my bully, and I think it’s coming for her.

 

In your situation it comes down to how bad it is. And yes, bullies are threatened people, they are insecure. Knowing that is useful one one level, but it doesn't help when they are your boss and you are fundementally not empowered to deal with them on the same level. Sometimes I think the key with a bully is to know when to fold 'em and when to walk away. In the meantime, maybe stare back, then smile.

[Juliana]

The situation really dictates how to handle these people. You first need to understand: This is a mental case. A nut. Not a normal person you need to learn to communicate with. No, this person has Issues. There's nothing wrong with your reaction -- there's something wrong with them.

 

So. If you abandon the idea of talking to the bully, what's left? Tolerate the bully? Sometimes we can kind of laugh at people inwardly, so that they don't affect us so much. I don't recommend that for the long-term.

 

Leaving the organization would seem to be the best idea. Your commitment to your own happiness and mental health always has to supercede your commitment to the company. Get your resume out there, get looking, find another job, and quit. When you quite, write a letter to your bosses boss and to HR explaining, as nicely as you possibly can, the issues that you felt you had with your boss's technique, and why you felt it was unresolvable, and your regret that it came to this. At least that way, you prepare the way for the next person to have some support on file when they get bullied -- and they will.

 

So sorry this is happening to you, but you certainly aren't alone. It's a growing problem, and one I hope that society finds a solution for eventually.

[Follow Me]

Leaving the organization would seem to be the best idea.

Running away is not a good philosophy. Get up in her face. Walk straight up to her and tell her how you feel. Since this is during work hours, you obviously can't deal with it how it should be dealt with, so be a little professional.

 

"If you can't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."

[Juliana]

"Running away is not a good philosophy. Get up in her face. Walk straight up to her and tell her how you feel. Since this is during work hours, you obviously can't deal with it how it should be dealt with, so be a little professional.

 

"If you can't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."

 

And her response will be...? "Oh, of course you're right, I shouldn't be that way. Next time I'll try to be more responsive."

 

Are you like, 12 or something? Her response will be: "You're fired." Or, alternatively, it'll be to smile at her and then assign her the work equivalent of cleaning toilets with a toothbrush.

 

When the power is all on their side, the appropriate thing to do is whatever protects yourself. Not what ensures that your situation will deteriorate even more.

[caro33]

Yes, exactly. When in a professional workplace with a professional bully, the challenge for the bullied is to extricate yourself, not front up and make it worse. Sure, be true to yourself, but if you have someone who's out for you, that doesn't make much difference. You still get bullied, and maybe worse.

 

Like I said, I think that most of the time the organisation knows exactly what it has on its hands, and doesn't want to deal with it. A bully in power in this environment is just plain dangerous. Even if you win the battle you still lose the war - so you only tangle if you don't mind losing.

[Katerimo]

You know I don't think you mean bullying so much but dealing with other people's weirdness! In both cases you've mentioned I don't think their reactions to you are anything to do with you but their own issues?