feelingfrustrated Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Last year me and my boyfriend (we've been together for 2 years now) were going through a bit of a rough patch, arguing a lot (we are long distance) and in that time he met a girl who he told me he really liked. In fact he told me that she is nicer and better looking than me and that he would want to be with her if he wasn't with me. I was devastated. Later, when we'd stopped fighting, he told me she isn't nicer and better looking, but that still he thought he'd like to be with her if he wasn't with me. I've never met this girl, and I would like it to stay that way, however, i'm going to my boyfriends town to stay with him for 1 month and he wants me to meet her and is angry that I don't want to meet her. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do? I really don't want to meet this girl. Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 No, you aren't being unreasonable. If my bf had told me that he would be an ex really quick and plus he still keeps in contact with her? Yea! I'd definitely would have kicked him to the curb in the beginning when all this was said. Then he expects you to meet her? IS he crazy!?!?! are you sure there isn't more going on between the two? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Ouch. Are you kidding? Your boyfriend was pretty thoughtless to say those things to you- but I also think that you allowed him to get away with it by staying with him after he disrespected you in this way. Does he spend time with her? Are you two long distance? 1 Link to comment
HellFrost666 Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Ask yourself this, what good would come of you meeting this person? Would it help your relationship? Would it help your self esteem? Meeting her will open up old wounds and stir up issues you don't want, or need to deal with right now. Link to comment
feelingfrustrated Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 I am sure that nothing is going on (or ever was) between the 2 of them. (he never let her know how he felt). I love him with all my heart and the last thing I want to do is break up with him for this, afterall, he is just friends with her, but I have a lot of problems with the idea of meeting her. Link to comment
SarahRose Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Why is his even hanging around her at all? No you don't have to meet her at all and agree with the others that he should have been history after what he said long time ago. I'm sure there are plenty hotter guys than him around but it isn't like you are rubbing it in his face. Then again, maybe you should. Link to comment
Reluctant Rebuilder Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 I think that's pretty insensitive of you b/f. Why is it so important to him that you meet this girl? Like, is he parading her in front of you as some kind of waning? "Shape up, baby or this is going to be your replacement". I don't get it. He should be able to understand that telling you in the midst of all your arguing that he's found someone "better" would leave a big wound. And even if things are OK now, and he's retracted some of his statements that this is a bad idea. 1 Link to comment
feelingfrustrated Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 I stayed with him because he retracted what he said and told me he said it cause he was angry with me (i went camping with a male friend who i have no feelings for at all, and he was angry cause I didn't tell him till i got back (i only went for 1 night). We are in a long-distance, which makes it really difficult to deal with the jealous feelings we both sometimes get. The problem is, I don't have much choice about meeting her. I'm going to stay with him and either we will end up having a huge argument about it cause he is adament that I should meet her, or I'll have to meet her. I wish I knew how to pursuade my boyfriend that it is a bad idea. Link to comment
sweetheart21 Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 I dont understand. Why does he want you to meet her? Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 No You shouldnt have to convince your bf its a bad idea or argue over it, if you dont want to meet her dont meet her. There is something more if he is so adament about you meeting her. As a PP said, I think its more a parading issue more or less trying to show you what he's going to "replace" you with. If my bf ever even dared trying any of this crap with me he'd be gone and we are in a Long Distance Relationship as well so that doesn't change anything. Link to comment
feelingfrustrated Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 I think for him, it is all history, and she is just his friend. And because he really likes her and thinks I will too, he wants me to meet her. But although I don't blame her for what he did to me, I can't forget about what happened and pretend its like meeting anyone else. I wish he would understand. Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 There isn't any reason at all in any type of relationship someone should do something they aren't comfortable with and if he cared about you he wouldnt make you do anything. My bf has a few girls that he's distant friends with (becuase im not comfortable with the hangin out, etc) that he has had feelings for in the past and has known one of them for 10 plus years but he has never made me meet her cuz I never would be comfortabel. 1 Link to comment
feelingfrustrated Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 the problem is, i told him already that I don't want to meet her, and that I think most other people would understand my position. But he got cross with me and told me ''it is always disappointing to find out you are just like everyone else''. Do you think I should ask him more why he is so keen that I meet her? Thanks for all your advice, its reassuring! Link to comment
HellFrost666 Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 ''it is always disappointing to find out you are just like everyone else''. Your reply to this should have been "Yea, well it's diappointing that you are acting like such a jerk." 1 Link to comment
feelingfrustrated Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 well, my reply wasn't too dissimilar to the one you suggested in fact! but thanks a lot, i feel a lot better now that i realise most people do agree with me! Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Absolutely, I think it's crazy he is so adament about you meeting this person, My bf and I have been together for 3 years and I still haven't met alot of his friends which are primarily guys but he never has once been so adament about me meeting them he will ask if I care to meet them and if I Say no he's like "Okay, whatever". Link to comment
feelingfrustrated Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 i think he has some strange idea that it is going to help me ''get over'' her, but i really don't see how it could to be honest. Link to comment
gfein347 Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 I think you're right, but like everyone else, I agree that it's best if you don't meet her. Tell him you're already "over her", and that meeting her would actually cause you to move in the opposite direction. 1 Link to comment
Siriana Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 I've never met this girl, and I would like it to stay that way, however, i'm going to my boyfriends town to stay with him for 1 month and he wants me to meet her and is angry that I don't want to meet her. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do? I really don't want to meet this girl. No you're not being unreasonable, he's a first class jerk. He feels he has a right to be angry? You say once again that you don't want to meet her. And if he continues to be angry at you - well ask him does he really want you there? Honey looks like they're firends, I am not shure what to think about that!!!! I would reconsider this relationship. Link to comment
Aleadragonhawk Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Have you tried flat-out telling him that "I don't want to meet her because..."? Sometimes, people just have to be shown the reason behind why you're feeling the way you are - though he really should be able to infer it from this situation. What worries me is that he seems to be forcing you into a situation that you don't want and that you aren't comfortable with, and that is NOT okay. You _have_ to be able to say no in a relationship, and your partner _has_ to be able to accept that. Otherwise, it isn't a healthy relationship. And if your partner isn't accepting your right to refuse, then maybe it's time to leave. 1 Link to comment
suresuresure Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I stayed with him because he retracted what he said and told me he said it cause he was angry with me (i went camping with a male friend who i have no feelings for at all, and he was angry cause I didn't tell him till i got back (i only went for 1 night). Did anyone read this? He's clearly trying to get back at her for this, justified or not. He probably started talking about this girl to make you jealous, since he felt jealous of your guy friend. Link to comment
suresuresure Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 still, once he said he found someone better you should have dropped him. no one should ever hold their relationship hostage in that way Link to comment
feelingfrustrated Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 i wish it was so easy. I don't want to drop him because i'm deeply in love with him and i see my future with him, but on the other hand he is being a real jerk about this. Now he is telling me that while i will be staying there, she wants to come and stay one weekend (she lives a several hours away from the city) because she doesn't have many friends in the small town she lives in and likes to go to the city to have fun. He's asking me ''what am i meant to say to her? you can't come and stay cause my girlfriend doesn't want you to?''. He says if I ask him to choose between me and her friendship, he'll choose her friendship (cause he ''doesn't want to be with a girl who asks him that'' He thinks that the reason I don't want to meet her is because I'm being vindictive and I still want to make him pay for how he hurt me. The truth is I just don't want to meet her, plain and simple. But I'm at a loss as to what to do. Link to comment
Siriana Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 He says if I ask him to choose between me and her friendship, he'll choose her friendship But I'm at a loss as to what to do. What is here unclear to you? Under the circumstances he should choose you over her. Your bf is a first class...... (put what you find appropriate) Link to comment
Ninako Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 i wish it was so easy. I don't want to drop him because i'm deeply in love with him and i see my future with him, but on the other hand he is being a real jerk about this. Sounds plain & simple to me. If he's being a jerk, then get rid of him. Love isn't feeling pressured to do things you dont want to do. He really shouldnt have threatened you with another girl. Now he is telling me that while i will be staying there, she wants to come and stay one weekend (she lives a several hours away from the city) because she doesn't have many friends in the small town she lives in and likes to go to the city to have fun. Just tell him that you dont want to meet up with her. You dont have to. You have the right to choose who you associate with and who you dont want to. He needs to understand this. And the fact that she may stay a weekend over? Red Flag to me. I would understand if he would want you to be there when she's there if he wants you to be trusting of him, but he shouldnt FORCE or Threaten you about it! He's asking me ''what am i meant to say to her? you can't come and stay cause my girlfriend doesn't want you to?''. He says if I ask him to choose between me and her friendship, he'll choose her friendship (cause he ''doesn't want to be with a girl who asks him that'' It's his choice on whether he wants her to stay, and to loose you. It looks to me like he's trying to push you away. He's being manipulative & you need to stick up for yourself! Let him have her. He knows what strings to pull to get you to do things you dont want to. A relationship shouldnt work like this. He thinks that the reason I don't want to meet her is because I'm being vindictive and I still want to make him pay for how he hurt me. The truth is I just don't want to meet her, plain and simple. But I'm at a loss as to what to do. You shouldnt be at a loss. He's thinking your acting a certain way & feeling a certain way. Im sure youve told him otherwise. People cant tell you how your feeling! Just tell him plain as day you dont want to meet her. If he starts to 'whine/criticize' you tell him that you need some time away from him. And then take it. He'll prolly come crawling back to you, but dont take his crap! You shouldnt stay in a relationship that makes you wonder or worry about what will happen next. I went through something similar with my ex. It only gets worse if you stick around. You dont gamble a relationship. Find someone better that doesnt flaunt other girls around & threaten to leave you for them. If they talk about a 'friend' & say they want you to meet them, it should be YOUR call. I have met many of my current bf's friends, because I wanted to. They are all great people, but he never pressured me to do it. Is this a girl he just met or has known for a long time? Link to comment
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