Using friends as emotional outlets...

[Lily04]

Hi guys,

 

I'll keep this short... basically I've noticed (and some have told me in the past) that I only tend to contact friends when I need advice or need to complain about my problems... if I'm going through a lot of stress (which seems like always), it's just my constant state of being pretty much.... and i'm scared they'll back off. Sometimes I don't even know if I should tell them...

 

For instance, at work this guy has been hitting on me recently. I am not really attracted to him in that way, but we get along well. I'd consider him an acquaintance, I suppose. So today he messaged me on Facebook asking why I'm on when i say in my status I should be studying.. and I briefly message him back saying I should be doing x,y,z, and co-ordinating a meeting that I'm chairing and called myself for tomorrow, but things are sorta disorganized...

 

I don't care that much of his perception of me because i'm not attracted to him, but at the same time when I date someone I suppose I want them to be able to accept that my life isn't perfect and i'm going through things... he didn't respond to that message, and that's fine... but I don't know if it turned him off either, that I'm not a straight-A student without effort, type of thing.. who knows.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if I should stop talking about my problems with friends or potential dates or whatnot... I told another guy who I did like that I was stressed with school and delayed with assignments... I don't think that should make him thin kless of me or stop attraction, as attraction is much more than that... it's personal chemistry, not ability to time-manage...

 

But anyway... I don't know. I just feel sorta... like maybe I should just do something else instead of talk with friends as an outlet... what do you think.

[Heretic]

Well you shouldn't just use your friends as an outlet. You should spend time with them creating great memories together. Memories are like glue for friendships. The better the memories the better the friendship. If all you do it complain to your friends or ask them for help, they'll see that as the basis of the relationship and that's not fun for everyone involved.

 

That said it is important to have people you trust that you can explain your problems to. This can also help bring a friendship together. However you really need a mix of both to make a real strong bond.

 

I hope this helps.

[Lily04]

yeah, we do social things together as well though. I didn't mean to say "using" in the thread title as if i'm just using the person for anything other than dumping my problems, we do have a friendship as well. Although I have to admit my best friend isn't that social...we usually don't do stuff together just because she's always busy and doesn't like to go out much... usually has plans with her boyfriend or roommate or something...I think the last time we just chatted together outside of work/school over a coffee was last August... but I see her at work and we talk via MSN, etc...

 

I guess the problem boils down to this: When meet guys i'm interested in, should I disclose my somewhat frazzled state? Or just appear totally fine on the outside, and in control? And what about with friends...?

[Haven]

Why would you tell people that you're stressed? I'm a little confused about what you're saying. If you're so stressed that it's affecting your appearance and your sense of control, then maybe you should consider lightening the load a little.

[Lily04]

why not? you don't tell people when you'er stressed or feeling happy?

[bih2003]

Hi you left me a comment about my current boyfriend situation and I thought it was great, you really know how to value urself and I wish I was a little like you. Regarding your question i do EXACTLY the same things, I call my friends, shake off all my problems and I realize that I use the phone only when i want to cry out for help through my relationship problems. I have noticed on my friends that they get annoyed when i talk to them about my problems,it could be that they worry about their own?? SO I SIGNED UP HERE! hahhaa but honestly to tell u, the entire retail store knows how much i suffer because of my ex. I feel ashamed that my life is out there and some people are not nice they will put you down in order to feel that certain pride and superiority over you just because you have problems. My advice to you is find someone who u think will not get rejected like MEEEEEEE and pour your little heart out. I am a person that is not bothered by ANYTHINGGGG but ONE thing that will put and always has on my knees and that is LOVE. I am a very confused person and I have no one to talk to so I let EVERYONE know the bad people, the good, the ones that maybe didnt hear a word I said , as long as it takes off that heavy load of weight that I carry in the back of my neck off. SO be careful who u tell things to in person because I have had experience with friends just not giving me a response to my problem at all. NO WORD NOTHING JUST SITTING THERE LISTENING while I am begging for an answer! Only time gives you an answer! !!!! let it guide you most of the time you will see on a persons look and if they ask u a question and seem VERY interest in helping you that they are worth telling ur problem to. If they pass u next time and ask if u are okay and anything about it , it really means they thought about u and are a winner! Best wishes!!!