Give him another chance?

[anggrace]

I broke up with my bf about 10 days ago. I was doing okay until the last couple of days. He has been trying to convince me to work it out and saying that he will make needed changes. The thing is, we have been having the same problems throughout our relationship (communication & sex) and nothing has changed no matter how hard Ive tried. Ive stayed with him for two years anticipating what we "could be" together. I love the idea.

 

I guess what Im geeting at is, should I give him another chance? I love him sooo much but Im sick of going over the same drama over and over again. Can people change like this? When do you give up trying to fix things and let go?

[renaissancewoman101]

If this has been an ongoing cycle of break up and get back together and he is good for a while and then falls back to his old ways, then I would just stay broken up with him. It doesnt seem like he really WANTS to change, he is just happy with the routine before and misses you in his life routine.

 

I would move on so that you dont get sucked back into this endless cycle of things and get hurt all over again.

[isidore]

If he has shown you that he's not "willing to change," then it's up to you what you want to do. Accept him for who he is or don't. But, if you have the urge to change him, or feel that the relationship can only be continued if he changes, then my advice would be to end it. Does he want you to change as well? You say you have tried hard, and that is admirable. But what I've discovered over the years is if a relationship hinges on a series of giving the other person "chances" then it is well and truly headed for the compost heap.

 

Have you both candidly told each other how you feel about these issues and what your expectations are of the other? I wish you lots of luck.

[annie24]

You know, if he is willing to go to couples therapy with you, and you want to work things out, then go for it. If he is making concrete steps towards trying to change, then maybe give him a chance?

[PrincessJOA]

sometimes, no matter how much someone love someone, you just cant make do something thats just isnt there you know what i mean?

[i2oadi2unnei2]

I broke up with my bf about 10 days ago. I was doing okay until the last couple of days. He has been trying to convince me to work it out and saying that he will make needed changes. The thing is, we have been having the same problems throughout our relationship (communication & sex) and nothing has changed no matter how hard Ive tried. Ive stayed with him for two years anticipating what we "could be" together. I love the idea.

 

I guess what Im geeting at is, should I give him another chance? I love him sooo much but Im sick of going over the same drama over and over again. Can people change like this? When do you give up trying to fix things and let go?

 

Anggrace,

 

I got something to share to you (and others) and take it to consideration. It's a good topic on "break-up cycles":

 

Now…I must warn you about a mistake that couples often make when they get back together after a breakup:

 

They breakup again, and then get back again shortly after because they enjoy the “drama”. Or they get “lazy” and want to rely on the negative emotions of cutting contact to get back together again.

 

Do this enough, and breaking up and getting back together will become a crazy cycle.

 

Remember that just like every technique, the cutting contact technique becomes less effective if you abuse it.

 

The more you break up and get back together, the more you get into the cycle of just breaking up and getting back together for the sake of “solving problems” or simply getting emotional thrills. Guess what happens then? You will get onto an emotional roller coaster with your ex until both parties are too drained to go on.

 

I call this the breakup cycle, and it is one of the greatest sins of dating and relationships.

[anggrace]

Yeah I could see how that might happen.

 

lt seems like the only time I feel that hes crazy about me is when I leave him. He makes me feel so loved...after I leave. Then, its back to the same routine. I just wish that feeling of really being wanted would stay.

[TWIS7ER]

I feel that if he really really would make an effort to change that he can change. I am in the situation to where me and my ex went through the cycle of breaking up, getting back together over and over again and I didn't change. I would always convince myself that I could change and I did do a little changing, just not enough. It's hard to change when in your mind you really believe that you arent the sole reason that you kept breaking up, and until you can fully understand that you are the person causing the drama and the breakups you won't change. I now know that I was the one causing all this and I was always constantly smothering her to get back together for a quick fix...the quick fixes don't work. I am now in the process of giving her space and hoping that in time we will be back together, Only time will tell.

 

I wish I could give you advice..all I can say is see if he takes proper steps and wants to change.

[anggrace]

Thanks. That was very simply put and sounds reasonable. He is very persistent in wanting to get back together, but I really dont think the issues at hand have been dealt with. I have to think with my head, not my feelings of wanting to be loved.

[TWIS7ER]

You're welcome.

[anggrace]

I miss him SOOO much. This is very hard for me. I broke up with HIM. I want him back, but I CANT keep riding the rollercoaster of emotions that our relationship was. I dont think he's going to change because he makes excusses for everything. He cant just say, "I was wrong having treated you that way". It will be the same story if I take him back. Just venting..

[fleur-de-lis]

I am in the same situation, I tried NC, but I only did it for 3 days ... He seemed so desperate to have me back, and when we talked by the phone, he told me that he feels so much better even if we had argued the whole time we were talking... He said he felt empty without me...

 

My decision is that I go back to NC, I have told him that I can't forgive him for that (my problem is that he is lying to me). It has to be a longer period of NC, because I need to think about these things and if he wants me back, he has to prove that he has changed. I don't believe that a person can change in a couple of weeks, especially if it is a big change. And if he doesn't change and doesn't feel like it's worth the effort, so be it. I can't be with him unless he changes.

 

I miss him too... but I have to protect myself first. And I hate this situation, sometimes I feel guilty for leaving him, especially now that he is recovering from a surgery, but I was there for him at the hospital and I did all I could to help him get through this. I want him back and I want him to be honest ...

 

If he doesn't realise that he did wrong, why take him back ?

I believe from what I have read on this forum that if a person loves another very much, he can change to improve himself and the relationship as well. I really feel that the people in this forum are becoming better persons, not only for their exes, but for themselves. So there is hope...