Step Child - HELP!!!

[JMNTampa]

What do you do when you've been married for 5 years, adore your spouse but you can't stand her child? My wife has a 16 year old boy and I have a 17 year old boy and 15 year old girl. My children live with us with the exception of alternate weekends with their mother. My children are outstanding in school, mature and responsible for their age.

 

My step son is horrible in school lives for eating, Xbox, television and sleeping in that order. He has no friends and doesn't desire any. He would rather spend every waking moment at home close to his mom. His mother hates to leave him alone even if its out to dinner for evening. If she does she calls him at least 3 times in 2 hours to check on him.

 

My fear is he will never leave home when he finishes High School in 2 years. What can I do not to stay sane, stay married and insure he moves out when its time? HELP!!!!

[Mythical_Suicide]

Have you talked to her about this?

[flower99]

Wow, does your wife not care about his future?????

does she not see that this is NOT a healthy life for a 16 year old?

Has she no desire to prepare him for the world & raise him to be a strong, motivated, independent man that can be proud of himself???

 

you two need to talk about this.

 

p.s Saying you can't stand her child...is a little harsh.Keep in mind this is what she raised him to be & encourages him in it...calling 3 times in 2 hours to check on him??what is she afraid will happen to him? he's 16 almost a man & she's treating him as a child. That needs to change!

I'm afraid he will only rise as high as the expectations for him.

[jengh]

I was about to say the same things as flower...

 

What about YOUR children? How does your wife treat them? What I mean is, does she try to get them motivated (I know you said theyre great in school and everything), but does she treat all three kids equally?

[_Jaffa_]

How long was it just her and her son?

[JMNTampa]

its not that I can't stand him its I can't stand what he is becoming. This kid is almost 6' fall and 200 lbs by the way. When he comes into the den to plop down on the couch (his favorite past time) the couch literally bends in half.

[JMNTampa]

My wife's previous husband died of liver cancer 13 years ago. My wife and her son were alone for 8 years.

[Siriana]

I am more worried by the way she raises him up.

It's not kids fault, really, so no use in "I can't stand him".

Yor wife is raising him up in a too protected way I guess.

It has to do a lot whit the fact they were alone for 8 years.

It is hard to be a single parent and each person reacts in its own way, apperently she's beeing overprotective.

She's doing things wrong so you need to speak with her, thats where the changes must go from.

And it will be hard because he's 16, almost adoult. A lot of time went by....

[_Jaffa_]

My wife's previous husband died of liver cancer 13 years ago. My wife and her son were alone for 8 years.

 

That tells you all you need to know.

[flower99]

Yeah the change needs to start with Mom.

Maybe time for some tough love too...if his studies are failing.

No xbox till homework it done

[valiantv]

I have often wondered if you marry into a family with children, how far should you go in raising those children? I am with a single mom, and I am wondering, if it ever gets serious that we live together and perhaps get married, will I always be "Uncle" V? Or would I give advice on the kid's upbringing, and be assertive about how he is raised (to the point of scolding him when he does wrong)? I wouldn't feel right about telling his mother what she should be doing, seeing as he is not my kid...

[flower99]

I totally understand what your saying Valiantv....it is a hard one & sensitive topic for some single moms.

For each mother it's different. My friend allows the men she dates to start disciplining basically off the start, because she feels her son needs to learn to respect & listen to all adults.

I on the other hand, waited till I was engaged to encourage my finace to be an active father figure & disciplinary, because I didn't want each man I date to be steping in & out of his life.

My finace makes suggestions to me at times, to do things differently....I'll admit I was senstive to it at first...didn't like to feel like i might be raising my son wrong. But lately I've gotten much better cause I really do respect him and his ideas & I realise I Don't know everything & there are some things I haven't thought of.

And I think there may be things that JMNTampas wife hasn't thought of. She's obviously a very loveing & caring mother. But she may be holding on too much to her son, that his future is now at risk.

If he's failing in school, has no work ethic, drive, passion, probably not much pride or self worth either....how can he achieve a happy, successful, prosperous life? find love? a job he enjoys?

Because JMNTampa is not techinically his dad, they are still family, and a love, he cares about his son's future. Maybe talking to the mom & comeing up with a plan to make slight changes can be a huge step in the right direction for the 16 year old.