ignored

[hennypenny3288]

If you felt neglected or ignored by your SO, would you ever go and ask them to "pay attention to you"? Why or why not? If the neglect is constant, would you make demands?

[lady00]

I think it really depends. I'd ask myself: 1) is the behavior truly neglectful? 2) Am I being too needy? 3) Am I focusing too much on my SO to make me happy rather than living my life independently? If the answers to either 2 or 3 (or both) is yes, I'd look within myself to fix the problem. If I've considered and eliminated 2 and 3 as possbilities, then I would talk to my S.O. about how I feel but I'd try to do it in a non-accusatory way, for example, instead of "You don't pay enough attention to me" I'd say "I'd like to spend more time together...how about we _____(suggest some activity we can do together on a regular basis." If my S.O. is truly being neglectful and not open to friendly suggestions to spend more time together, then I'd conclude that they are just not into me anymore (unless something else is bothering them and they articulate clearly what it is) and I'd leave.

[Heretic]

Yes you should.

 

There is no reason to be in a relationship that is all about giving. You need to receive something from a relationship in order for it to be a healthy one. I'm not saying that you should break up just because you're not getting what you need, but you need to let your SO know about your needs.

 

Don't expect your SO to be a mind-reader. If they aren't given you any attention they either don't know you want it or aren't interested in giving it. If it's the latter then it's time to get out of the relationship. You need to be a little selfish sometimes because what you need is equally important.

 

I hope this helps.

[rocio]

Absolutely not. You shouldn't have to beg for attention from your s.o. If he/she doesn't want to give it, then they are not as interested in you as they should be. My first step would be to distance myself from them and see if they get the point. If not, relationship over.

[lady00]

Absolutely not. You shouldn't have to beg for attention from your s.o. If he/she doesn't want to give it, then they are not as interested in you as they should be. My first step would be to distance myself from them and see if they get the point. If not, relationship over.

 

I agree in part, disagree in part. I agree that a person should never have to beg for attention from an s.o. But I think suggesting that you spend more time together is fine if that's what you want. The other person may have no idea how you feel. I think that if the s.o. is not doing what the other person wants or showing interest the way the other person expects or wants, that immediately means the person should distance himself or herself. I think that's a dangerous approach. There could be many explanations for such behavior. The person having the problem may be acting too needy or their s.o. may be going through problems in life that have nothing to do with the other person. Relationships are all about communication, and distancing one's self and expecting the other person to guess what's wrong is not a solution...it just leads to hurt feelings on both sides.

[hennypenny3288]

Ok. If you have pleaded your case time and time again, and the person is behaving the same with no change for the better, is waiting it out good, making ultimatums, etc? Walking away is not to be desired.

[ImThatGirl]

You should firmly state your expectations and once you've determined he cannot or will not attempt to meet them, you should move on.

 

Staying in a relationship where he treats you less than the best is not an option. If you've taught him that you will accept this treatment, chances are he will never change. Ever.

[lady00]

Ok. If you have pleaded your case time and time again, and the person is behaving the same with no change for the better, is waiting it out good, making ultimatums, etc? Walking away is not to be desired.

 

The problem here is that walking away is almost never desirable if you really love the person. But sometimes it's what you need to do. You seem quite frustrated and you seem to have talked to your s.o. about it time and time again so there isn't much you can do at this point except walk away.

[rocio]

Ok. If you have pleaded your case time and time again, and the person is behaving the same with no change for the better, is waiting it out good, making ultimatums, etc? Walking away is not to be desired.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. It can't feel good.

 

What is his side of the story? What does he say when you approach the topic?

[charley]

I don't have an answer for the OP question.

 

Just an observation.

 

Imagine it from both sides. To the neglected person, from their point of view their mate is neglectful. To the other person, from their point of view, their mate is clingly.

 

It's like two people pointing at each other and one points and says "neglectful".

 

The other points and says "clingly".

 

Who's right? I don't know. I suspect it's a case of being fundamentally incompatible and not being with the right person.

[Heretic]

Who's right? I don't know. I suspect it's a case of being fundamentally incompatible and not being with the right person.

 

Yeah it's pretty cut and dry if he doesn't think his behaviour is in the wrong. It's just not meant to be.

[hennypenny3288]

I see it as being a problem. The other side sees it as there being no problem at all. He could be withdrawing. I do not know that for a fact. I do not wish to let this go. I am angry. Is it a good idea to pull back and observe his reaction? I thought people worked things out in relationships. This is bull.

[rocio]

Maybe not pull back. But becoming more independent. Get involved with more friends and activities that don't involve him. Adjust your life so you don't need him as much. He might give you more attention when you're not trying to force it out of him.

 

On the other hand, it could always backfire.

[lady00]

Would you be comfortable giving us more information about the situation? Is it possible you're focusing too much on him and not enough on yourself and doing the things you enjoy that don't involve him?

[JulieW]

When my husband was in school for the first two years, Sunday was our day. If I needed extra time, I said so and he dropped whatever he was doing, to spend maybe an extra hour with me. It was just fine.

 

In the last year of his schooling he stopped doing so. In that year, I still made the monthly request of extra time. But I no longer received it. After that year, I told him I was done and didn't want to live there anymore. He said he had no idea I was unhappy.

 

"Now that I have time, we can spend it together." My response was, "You should have always have had time for me."

 

You don't have to be snarky about it. Just tell them how you feel because it's NEVER alright to bottle up your feelings. My husband started neglecting me because he seriously took me for granted. That I would just stand there and be lonely, waiting for him. No one who cares for your heart will ever treat you that way.

[hennypenny3288]

I am lonely most of the time and he is my world to me. I do not bother him a lot. But, I do want a certain amount of time with him that is certain and does not change a lot. Uncertainty makes me most nervous.