Man this hurts and I cannot do NC, I know it!

[blender]

Also poster "majord23" posted this site, please go there and read the first example of "responding to getting dumped".. the first example is an idea for you on how to handle this weekend, if you have to see HER and HIM. check it out: link removed

[need2bme]

Blender: Thanks for the advice and for the link. I needed to read that. I really appreciate the fact that you took the time to read and to help me.

 

Nora: I need rise above this but it will be hard. Thanks.

 

 

To further complicate things, I just received a VM because I was not about to pick up her call. She started out with a "Hey, how ya doin?", but in a little cute way, like we are still friends.

 

She then continued the message letting me know that she has all my stuff in HER storage and that I can meet her on Saturday to get it. I can call her to work out a time to get it. Preferably in the AM, but she doesn't know when she can get there.

 

What the hell is that? I am nothing now? The who system has to be setup for the new cable company. I have to transfer her emails over to her system. See how all this is?

 

I am going to return the call in about 5 minutes and tell her to never talk to me again and to let her know that this is CRAP!

 

What crap...!!!!!!!

[need2bme]

So, I go and call her back and say, "OK, now whats up?" She replies that she took all the stuff over to storage. I ask her if she took certain things, to which she replied, "yes".

 

I then asked her about the computer and the phones and she said she was going to take them over there. I said, that it didn't make sense because we needed to transfer everything. I didn't care what was going on, I just wanted things done right with the email, the transfer, etc.

 

She asked if I was angry and I said no, but that she was handling this in a bad way.

 

She said that her sister's husband would take care of that. To which I replied, look I don't care what is going on, I just want to get it done and then she will never have to speak to me again.

 

She said look, I don't want to argue with you. I replied that we were not arguing and she can do what she wants. I just want a time to be at the storage. She replied, "Look, you put what you had to in your email", but said she did not want to argue.

 

I replied I was not arguing and I want a time, because I have to rent a car. I want to know a time so I can get my stuff and I can give her the stuff that was taken with me. I said I just want to get my stuff and that she handled this really bad. I told her I would just get my stuff and then I never want her to call me again.

 

I told her I did not want to talk to her and to give me a time. She replied that she would meet me at 11:00, to which I told her fine, I will see you at 11:00. She said OK and I hung up the phone.

 

Did I handle this wrong? Frankly, I was mad that she could just throw something away like that and pretend like I don't exist.

 

I hope I can be strong later.

[blender]

Well, you are obviously very emotionally vulnerable, and it understandable, but it wise that you "set a time" to meet her, now just show up, be kind, get your things, and whenever you are tempted to tell HER how SHE should be beahving, bite your tongue.. there's no reason to "educate her" on proper break up etiquette... all you have to do is "show" your own proper break up behavior... you are powerless over how she chooses to behave, so take control over the ONLY thing you do have power over and that is YOURSELF...

 

Again, have an emotional plan for yourself, when you meet her to pick up your things, make sure to be light and polite, don't give her the honor of your energy, negative or positive... okay? You're going to be wonderful, you're going to get your things and do so with class, integrity, quiet, and self control... you can do this, you will.. you are going to heal and grow past all of this.. and next time you are "feeling angry and want to vent your feelings towards her".. instead of calling her, just "feel your feelings" and work through them, calm yourself, and then let go with love...even if she has handled things the "wrong way'.. that is HER problem, not YOURS..

[need2bme]

Blender: Again, thank you. I am just so disgusted with how she handled this whole thing. I could chew steel and spit nails right now....

 

Why do people behave this way? (yes, when I calm down, I will know that I could ask myself that same question)...

 

What I don't know is how I am going to do it. I just have to remember to be above it and to at least handle this part, with love.

 

I just do not understand how she can flip-flop and behave this way. This is proof that that guy is living there now. How can she be living with someone after 7.5 months? I don't get it at all. This means she has not even begun to fix anything that caused our issues and expects them to be magically fixed with this guy.

 

I just don't get it and part of it is driving me crazy trying to figure it out.

[blender]

You have to "accept" that you will not fully "figure it out" because you are operating from a different emotional place than she is.. she is probably in love with the "newness" and in time this will pass and she will end up running into herself again... "no matter who she is with, there SHE is".

 

I know you take the way she handled all this personally but it's not about YOU, it's just an example of who SHE is, and that is her problem, and soon to be the problem of whomever she is involved with now... it takes time to understand that she has a LIFE PATTERN that was in place long before you came into her life... and YOU can not cure of this, no one can.. only SHE can do the self work and self discovery to make a change in how she choose to handle matters of the heart..

 

And unfortunately if she is in fact already involved with someone else, well than she is obviously not taking the time to do the "self work, self discovery" that authentic love requires in each individual in order to blossom, grow and last...

 

The good news is YOU are going to take this OPPORTUNITY of heartache to look within yourself and the choices you make on whom you decide to get involved with, knowing that it's important that you share the same values/standards for a relationship.. and even if someone "seems" like they do.. there are always "red-flags' early on that during the "falling in love" phase we might choose to ignore.. but going through this will be a valuable lesson for YOU to seek out and attract a more emotionally secure and healthy woman, whom you may "share" your happiness with, where niether of you are tyring to "attain happiness" from the other... byt it's in "sharing our own happiness with each other" that real authentic mature love can grow...

 

and for right now your ex is not capable of doing so, not with you, not with anyone... that is HER issue.. do not take it personally..

[need2bme]

Blender: I thank God you are on this site. That post is right on the money. We were both not in a good place, but you are right, I am going to do something about it. Right now, I just really am angry with her, but realize that I cannot control her. It still hurts, but I know it is true.

 

On a lighter side note: I totally forgot to get an address for her storage facility. So, I had to stick my tail between my legs and call her back. How embarrasing. ;-)

[pacopaco]

Paco: Thanks man. Your words mean much and ring true. The question is, how do I make myself believe them. Maybe it will just take time; lots and lots of time.

 

When you say "change" the feelings; how so? Will they just transfer into something warm and fuzzy when I think about her, or will I simply just go crazy?

 

OK, I know, but I miss being next to her, every day. Wanna hear something crazy? I miss her snoring. Maybe some of this is just familiarity. I'm sure some of it is. I am also sure that I don't like being alone.

 

I really thank you for coming in here dude...your words in your posts always make me feel better, even when they make me sad.

 

 

ha! thanks for the compliment, N2BM. I'm not sure what I mean by "change" feelings. it's part transfer, part moving them to where I want them to be. For example, I know you miss lying next to her. I did too, but immediately after she left the apartment, I was sleeping like a baby. I missed her too, but it really tripped me out that I could sleep. I had to ask myself. "Shouldn't I be more messed up than this? Why can I sleep?" So i took that and began to look, slowly, at not only how I feel about other things, but even how I DON'T feel about some things.

Look at how you don't feel about some things. Ask yourself sincerely "Why am I sad/angry/feeling helpless...etc." are you feeling this because you really miss the snoring, or is it something else? Of course it's something else. It's her. Why is it her, and so on. if it something else, focus on that until you find it. That's how I work anyway. I'll take a thing and dig deper into it, like the layers of an onion, you find out, and peel away, find out, peel away. soon, you'll get to where there is nothing to peel, and just a small core. the small core is you.

[need2bme]

I know what I have been typing and I know I really need to work on my emotions AND I have NOT told her any of how I really feel, BUT, I so wanna throw up right now...

 

..it comes and goes, but I swear, sometimes I will just be walking around and want to cry. Also, I cannot even get motivated and she has some guy in my dang house. How the heck does that work?

 

I feel like a teenager that cannot control his emotions....

[blender]

Yes, I know that "teenager" desperate feeling.. it's normal, it probably does bring up old issues for you, whether you realize it or not. I understand your "anger".. but try not to display it to her... but of course that is so easier said than done.. We've all been there, feeling like you are walking through cement, in shock, disappointed, angry, can't understand..ugh.. it's all so difficult, but you will rise above it in time... give yourself a break and understand that you are going to be "sad" for a bit.. and also try to remember you are mourning the loss of what you "hoped and thought could be"... and the fact is it "revealed" itself to be different than all those hopes.. it happens, most of the time the truth rises to the surface once all the "newness" wears off, and the REALNESS sets in during the falling in love..but the same goes for the heartache.. it wears off, and the REALNESS of all the wonderful things possible for YOUR future start to surface...trust this, breathe.. it will be okay in time..

[need2bme]

Blender: I am going to read your words over and over. I am going to burn into my psyche, the ideas they convey. I understand fully what I need to do and I know I don't want to hurt anymore.

 

She wants to be friends and wonders why I am angry. I cannot be friends with someone who cannot even be honest. How long she has been dishonest, I don't know.

 

I feel reduced to nothing and I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

[blender]

I really know exactly how you feel.. and the fact is "feeling the truth" doesn't always feel so good, it hurts, but it so courageous, wise, and self respecting to choose to live in the "truth", even if you don't know all the details, the simple fact is "it's not working out the way you "hoped" it could".

 

And that is NOT because you are not worthy, it's simply because she is not THEE right combination of emotional intelligence for you in the long run.. and as difficult as it is to "let go" it's the most healing thing to do..with baby steps, one day at a time, just for today, no contact..just feel your feelings.. do not re-act to them...

 

I really felt when I was in your spot, that I couldn't breathe.... like I had lost "everything".. but those were my "feelings" not the "facts"... and with each day of "no contact" I started to grow just a tiny bit stronger, gained more perspective, started to breathe without tears, and felt better about myself, proud of myself, and even got angry at myself for wasting so much energy on someone who clearly didn't define "friendship or relationships" in the same value as I.

 

It was from the "loss" of the ex, that I "gained" so much of myself, and like always FATE had done for me what I was not willing to do for myself, and I grew, changed, blossomed, and healed.. and look back and think "what the hell did I waste all that energy on the ex for???"

 

But I never could anticipate at the time of my heartache that I would ever actually feel relief that the person was no longer in my life.. it seemed impossible that I would ever fully heal....

 

I had convinced myself that I had lost all my dreams, hopes, love..etc.. but I hadn't lost those things, I had made a choice to "attach them to someone else" and when the ex changes, or more accurately "reveals" what they are truly capable of.. then it's more healing to understand that all your 'hopes, dreams, love" that you chose to "attach" to them are actually YOURS, you can take them with you.. on YOUR OWN life journey...

 

re-attach them to yourself and soon enough you are attracting someone who is self fulfilled, honest, respectful, kind, loyal, loving and giving you what you are capable of giving...

 

It all seems so impossible right now... but don't think in the "big picture" try not to obsess on "teaching her about anything" or "convincing her of anything"... just live in the moment, and for today, it's best for you to have "no contact"... you are doing the right thing.. and at some point when you are less emotionally vulnerable you can cash that check.. but for today, you are just going to feel your feeling with courage and faith that FATE has a wonderful plan waiting for you, and the sooner you can "let go" of all of what you "hoped" could be with her, well, then you will look up and when you least expect it, something wonderful is right in FRONT OF YOU..not behind you. Breathe, one day at a time.. you will be okay.. promise.

[ColdWinterForest]

I might have done nothing wrong in the last few days, but in our relationship, I did plenty wrong. I look back though and I can see where she also did dastardly things (so did I).

 

My counselor said that she believed that neither of us trusted the other enough not to hurt us. I think that is partially correct. I also think we snowballed out of control.

 

I know I don't wanna carry this hurt and this feeling of wanting to compare myself to everyone and the need for her love or anyone else's, to make me complete.

 

I am just so tired of this ride and I want to get off!!!

 

Well, that is the trick, isn't it?

 

Making yourself not care as much as you once did, which may seem impossible at first. Believe me, I am still struggling with my own feelings of codependency. But, you can be complete without her. Right now you just feel deprived, and that is a perfectly natural feeling that we all get when we lose someone. I don't think that one can necessarily get off of the ride, but someday the feelings will diminish and subside. The initial trauma of the situation will wear off. The root of your despair is that you are unable to be yourself. The you that once was is now gone. You can no longer live the kind of life that you once lived, and that is terrifying to you because you were entirely certain that LIFE was for you. I also felt the same way with my ex. Even though there were so many flaws and miscommunications in our relationship, it was still a sure thing to me. It was something that I felt I could hold onto, but the reality of the matter is that it was just a blanket preventing me from really going out and finding a more profound sense of happiness.

 

You cannot predict life. You cannot predict the future or what will happen tomorrow, but you do have the power to mold it. That girl has given you a free ticket to do anything you want. Right now... you don't know what to do, or what you can do... This new found sense of freedom only adds to your despair, but someday the feelings will diminish and subside... and you will be able to move on and maybe... just maybe you will find yourself better off than before.

 

You need to remain optimistic. Believe me, I am naturally a very pessimistic person and I am struggling with the same exact issues, but it is comforting knowing that other people are going through the same exact situations.

 

The point is that we are all human. We are destined to hurt each other whether we like it or not. I don't think that there is such a thing as an ideal relationship that is devoid of any turbulence or emotional pain. Being in a relationship is about making compromises, and when those sacrifices that we make individually don't pay off, we are thrown into a vicious cycle of self-persecution. What did we do wrong? What did they do wrong? What good will this do for us NOW? Looking back is worse than standing still. However, this is your chance to change all of the things that you do not like about yourself... But, don't do it for her... do it for YOURSELF. Do it because you want to, not because you think that it is going to get her back.

 

You may find that, down the road, the new you really doesn't want her back. Who knows what the future may bring?

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Need2bMe...

 

Well I have just done my first full week of living alone. I HATE it, I really do.

 

I hate coming home to an empty apartment, I hate sleeping in an empty bed, I hate waking up alone. I can not believe that he has chosen this as his preferred way of living...he must have really hated living with me!

 

He is still telling everybody that he still loves me and that he doesn't want anybody else...and yes the anger is starting to kick in now.

 

I am angry that somebody can make such a life altering decision without any discussion with the other person. That somebody can withdraw their love without warning.

 

Yet, I am the one who has lost everything...my home and my love. I am the one in therapy because I felt so wretched I was suicidal!

 

As you can probably tell having a 'down' day today...

 

Hope you are doing ok.

 

Apologies for the rant

 

 

xxx

[need2bme]

So I get home at about 12 AM last night, from travelling there to get the rest of my stuff. I am unloading the car, until about 1 AM. When I get upstairs, I start to unpack my overnight bag of clothes and start to cry.

 

I cannot stand this anymore. I cannot sleep on my bed, because it reminds me of her. I cannot look at any of my stuff, because I had it with her for so long. I no longer have any inclination to do ANYTHING. I have been sleeping on the floor in front of the TV, because I have NO MOTIVATION.

 

I met her at the storage place yesterday and the first thing she did was compliment me. In fact, she spent the whole day complimenting me and telling me how good I looked. She asked me what I was doing later and I told her. She asked me if I wanted to get some lunch.

 

So, we went to lunch and she complimented me again and we laughed and had a REALLY good time. When we were finished, we had to spend the rest of the day, transferring stuff out of my name into hers.

 

When we went to take care of the phones, she was walking with me and I grabbed her finger. She was holding my hand. (yes I wanted to see what would happen)

 

She kept waiting on me to help her with stuff and wanting my advice and so forth. She was acting as if we were still together.

 

When we went to change the cable, the womann asked if we wanted to leave my name on. She asked if I would ever be coming back and the ex just shook her head, for what seemed like an eternity and seemed as if to say. "NO WAY!" That really hurt. I asked her about that and she said that she just shook her head.

 

That night, when we were saying goodbye, she mentioned that she was going to call me that morning, but I had told her not to call me. I did tell her that, but it makes no sense for her to not call me that morning, as we were meeting to take care of the last bit of stuff.

 

I tried to tell her why I said that, but she said she did not want to talk about it and that we had had such a good time. Huh? We are not dating anymore.

 

We got out of the car and I went to shake her hand. She said she was coming around. She did and gave me some hugs and a kiss on the cheek. When I was hugging her, she was making noises you do when you are really content and enjoying the hug.

 

She backed off, patted my chest and then said. "well, all I am going to say, is see you later". I guess she didn't want to say "goodbye".

 

Why did she need to act this way. Why would she want me gone and then act as if we were together. I know it doesn't matter, because we are now finished with everything.

 

I cannot answer any of her calls, if they are any. It would just kill me. I can barely function now. How did this all go so wrong, so fast? How can she have another guy in the house?

 

 

Would someone please slap me in the head? I cannot get my head around this. I know I sound like a teenager, but this is killing me.

[Pisces_Princess]

I know exactly what you are going through Need2bMe...

 

I got that too, "it's not good-bye...it's just see you later!"

 

He still has half of my things because I was too traumatised to pack everything!

 

I honestly don't know what I am going to do. I mean how do you get over something like this?

 

x

[need2bme]

PP: We will get through this together. That is how. I am at work, so I cannot type much, but we can read what Blender and ColdWinterForest has typed.

 

It really is great advice. Putting it into acion is something completely different though. Huh?

 

I had convinced myself that I had lost all my dreams, hopes, love..etc.. but I hadn't lost those things, I had made a choice to "attach them to someone else" and when the ex changes, or more accurately "reveals" what they are truly capable of.. then it's more healing to understand that all your 'hopes, dreams, love" that you chose to "attach" to them are actually YOURS, you can take them with you.. on YOUR OWN life journey...

 

This quote means a lot. We have to remember that what we were looking for, is already a part of us. We can bring that back and stand on it as a foundation, to get us back to the way we used to be. Full of love and character and goodness.

 

I read, and am trying to believe that a lot of what people do, comes from a good place. I am trying to look at it that way, because then it allows me to look at people as good and not as inherently bad.

 

Blender: I must confess. You typed for me to feel the feelings and not act on them. To not "teach" her anything. I sent her a CD I had for her and forgot to give to her yesterday. When I sent it, I sent a note that told her that I wanted to leave all of this in an honest way.

 

I told her about knowing what was in the one email and knowing what was in the "locked" room (because I had snooped). I will admit that part of me did it for honesty and to get it off my chest, but the other part of me did it, so I could "show" her I knew and "teach" her that she is not the "good girl" in all of this. I know it was not a smart thing to do. I will not do anything like that again.

 

Blender, your posts are not falling on deaf ears and they are helping me more than you know. Mostly by showing me that I am a good person and I don't have to hate myself, like I do now.

 

I have one question though:

 

As she and I will probably have loose ends to tie up still; what do I do when she contacts me about stuff? I don't want to talk to her. I do, but I need to be in NC.

 

So, how do I do that?

[need2bme]

I know you guys have read these for a while now, but I have a question this time.

 

What do I do while she still needs to contact me about stuff with the apartment, if I want to maintain "NO CONTACT"?

 

I know we may need to work out a few things, but most of it should be done and I don't wish to hash through anything. She is a big girl and has another man, so I feel as if I don't want to talk to her.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[blender]

It' tough that you still have to be in contact, but take control, make a plan for yourself, emotionally and practically. Make a list of all that you need to get, set a date on a calendar and make sure you are "pro-active" in getting your things, call her, set a time, get it done.

 

It's so difficult to do, but at least you will feel some "control" over the situation.. and when you are in contact with her, try to NOT engage in anything other then the "topic" of getting your things settled and done... lite and polite... rising above the "neediness and heartache' you are "feeling"... and know that it's your "emotions" you need to go through without her...

 

this is not going to be an easy time, but how you "choose" to handle all this will help you heal.... so what is your "plan" for getting your things back? How can you accomplish this with the least amount of involvement from her?

[need2bme]

Blender: I have most of my "stuff" back. We still have to take care of a money issue. It is an amount that should be paid back, by me. It was loaned to me, when I was between jobs (I loaned her a TON of $, forgave some debt, helped her get credit, get out of debt, stop foreclosure, got her condo sold, let her and her sister live at my place rent free, etc., etc., etc.) So, I do not want to owe her ANYTHING!!!

 

Also, there are still bills that she needs to get transferred into her name and I know she will take her time, because that is the way she is. If I have to figure out who to call and change them myself, I will.

 

Also, I am sure she will call me from time to time to ask computer or real estate questions and such. Who knows, she may not call at all.

 

I know that when she calls, I cannot answer. I will try to contact her sister as an intermediary.

 

Also, I got stupid, AGAIN and checked on something (I won't say what). I know now that she has BIG NEWS!!! At least for her friend and everyone but me. I will bet you dirt to dollars, as he is already there, that it is engagement time or something like that.

 

I am not making a leap of logic here, I just know that she just could not wait to get me out of there and lied about him AND already had him moved in.

 

See, I tried to be above this, and I know I don't need to think about this. I tried so hard to work things out and get her to talk and open up and she shot me down so many times. Now, she is just gonna try and be happily ever after without solving anything. Who knows? Maybe she will talk to him.

 

I am more angry right now than hurt. I wonder what he would think if he knew she flirted and kissed and other things, with me? (NO, I AM NOT GOING TO TELL HIM - that is not the way I am). I simply wonder how much of a great girl, he would think he had then.

 

My life is way too weird.

[blender]

It doesn't really matter what HE knows about her, what's important here is what YOU have DISCOVERED about her yourself. And if she'll do this to YOU, she will do it to HIM too.... no matter where "she" goes, or who "she" is with, there "she" is. Can't run away from herself, although the "newness" of a relationship is a "distraction" for now from her own issues.

 

You can call and try to change those accounts, do you have any previous bills? And try to get that money together that you owe her and send it via "certified mail" so there is no "mistake" of the fact that she receives it.

 

You are going to be okay, even better without this girl in your life. You are so "hooked and addicted" to who you "thought and hoped" she "could" be in your life however she has revealed herself NOT to be all those wonderful dreams you "attached" to her.. so take them back, they are yours, for YOUR OWN HEART, and the fantastic, sexy, confident, trustworthy, emotionally healthy, kind, loyal, loving woman in YOUR future..

 

Your ex isn't going anywhere but in a big circle, running back into herself eventually.. YOU, my dear, are going places, into a incredible future, with a better sense of yourself, and better understanding of YOURSELF.. no use in "trying to understand" HER... that is ONLY for her to do... and for her to make a choice to do the "self work/discovery/honesty/growing" on her own.

 

You now have the freedom to move on, grow past all this, mourn the loss of what you "thought/hoped" could be, and now be in "acceptance" that SHE can NOT offer what you hoped she could.. she can't even offer, honesty, maturity, sincerety, to the "new" man in her life.. and like all relationship the "newness" wears off...that is when it's a "choice" to grow, work on it, make the effort, be honest, mature, loyal.. etc... and she made a choice to not have the authentic character qualities, not only IN the relationship but also in "how" she ended it.. that says so much more about her "lack of character" then it ever will about you not being "good enough"..

 

YOU are good enough..for the "right" woman.. and she's is just not 'THEE' one... she isn't... her loss.... and now your new freedom.. celebrate it even through your tears... it's going to be okay...

[Eileen101]

need2bme~

 

I am glad that you liked one of my last posts for another member. I really do hope that I can contribute something to all our mayhem and madness, lol, because if we all have eachother for support we can deal with our situations in a way that is so much more bearable than if we had to go it alone. I know that this site has litterally given me such a huge source of comfort and care that I am able to cope in much more secure way, just knowing that we really arn't alone makes all the difference in the world. we will all keep pulling for eachother and get through it together!! Your friend, Eileen.

[need2bme]

Eileen: I totally agree and thank you again for the post. Speaking of dealing with all this, I believe that I have been such a child about all of this.

 

I have been conjuring things in my head that may or may not be true, thinking of things over and over, wondering what if and not taking care of the things I need to. Bottom line it for me...my relationship is over. It is about me now. I need to see that. I need to stop looking at things in a "crazy" manner.

 

WOW, it is amazing what our thoughts can run away with.

 

It turns out that my ex IS NOT getting married. I answered her call today. She called twice yesterday and once today. I basically let her know that my crazy mind was playing tricks on me and wasn't she glad she did not have to worry about the craziness.

 

I kept it to the point. As she was explaining to me how she would never get married and she never would to any of the BFs she had and how she would get a rash if she thought about it and how it wasn't her style, how she could basically let them know if that is what they wanted, that it was not happening, etc., etc., etc.; I realized that I (nor ANY of the BFs, to include this new guy) was never going to be close enough to her to really be a part of her life (not like I want to be).

 

Does it make her a bad person, because she feels this way about marraige? No. Does it make her wrong? No. Does it mean she cheated on me or loved me any less? No.

 

What it does mean, is that she cannot let go. In a way, it is selfish, but it is what she does for her. She cannot let go enough to totally allow someone into her life and to trust that that someone won't hurt her. She herself, said that it might be selfish, but that was the way she felt.

 

My point is, that is what I had to deal with. Everything she did, boiled down to shutting me out and ultimately caused her to say and do bad things in the relationship. I am sure a lot of it was done to protect herself and to keep what she thought should be her way of life and love.

 

I don't want a love like that. I miss her, but I want to be someone's end all, be all. The guy she is living with, will tire of not being loved, as well. Or to rephrase it, he will get tired of not getting a chance to have a whole relationship.

 

My ex seems to believe that totally giving of herself would mean sacrificing herself to the extent that she would have to report to her SO and not have a life. That is not how I see it at all.

 

So, what I have realized, is that I want it all. I want the whole relationship. I need to work on myself to not be needy, but what we were doing, is she would not let me in and I would get more needy. What this did was make a viscous circle, whereas we both kept pushing and couldn't understand why the other was making us feel the way we were.

 

In short, we just kept hating each other.

 

She, at least for now, will not be able to give what I want in a relationship and I need to figure out exactly what, "IT" is, that I want.

[blender]

Wow, you are reallly turning a hugh emotional corner of "ACCEPTANCE'.. this is when the real healing begins.. and as far as you figuring out exactly what "it" is that you want from a relationship it usually starts with knowing what YOU are willing to give to the relationship.. and most likely that "it" is what you want from the one whom you love. And some people like your ex, are simply not "emotionally capable" to give "it" for the long haul.. not for you, not for another, and especially not for themselves.. it's sad, but it's sometimes the truth that we have to lovingly "accept".. and move on.. ugh.. it's so difficult.. but you are free to explore your future, and to know that you want to be with someone who SHARES your standards/values of love.

[need2bme]

Blender: Thanks.

 

I should state that even though I realize this, it doesn't make it any easier. ;-) I still love her and I miss being with her, but I know I have to do something. I have to train myself to think differently.

 

I don't want to be dependent on her for my happiness. I don't want to equate her no longer being together with me, with my self worth. I (right now) still want to be her friend and to see her. That is why I am so glad that I am here (at least I am right now) and she is a 5.5 hour drive away.

 

IT would be too difficult if we were close. Also, the fact that she is living with someone now, makes it much more difficult to hang out.

 

I will miss a lot of the good things about her (one of the few women I met who didn't think it was wrong for you to have a night out with the guys, watched cartoons, liked the same music, has the same humor, etc.) but I won't miss the eggshells and I won't miss wanting so much for her to just think I was her hero.

 

All in all, I still have a LONG way to go.

 

I should add, just so you guys can understand what it was like to be confused around her, is that even with her telling me she would never get married, she still slipped in how she was stressed and flirted with me a little. Of course, it could just be my crazy mind again.

 

I can see how we would never fix anything if we had been together, because it is so easy to fall back into acting as if we are together, even when we know we are not!