Am I being abused or am I the abuser?

[cranbers]

So me and my wife have been married for 3 1/2 years with a 2 1/2 year old son. She controls the money to the point of not being able to buy anything(keep in mind our income is well within the 1xx,xxx range. I am unable to see my sister due to problems we had four years ago. Even though my sister wrote an apology card etc.

 

I know she is Obsessive compulsive disorder and she admits it. I have never won an argument with her. If I even get close she ends it and tells me to get out. here is the thing, when i do get out she stops me from being able to leave By blocking the door. She tells me ill have to move her out of the way. Then if I do happen to get out the door she stalks me. She calls my cell phone 50 times in 3 hours. She starts driving around looking for me. when she does find me say at a hotel or something. She moves my car, hacks into my bank accounts, email accoutns etc and starts doing malicious things.

 

We argue for ours at least every few weeks and little arguments every week or so. Every seven days. it will start with something small like house cleaning, she asks for something or is being critical about something. My sister being the main problem. I find most of our arguments are her yelling at me. Calling me lazy, fat, stupid, not a man, have a small penis, being bald etc etc etc. She says she hates my family etc. Christmas eve being the worst ever.

 

There has been a few times after about 6 hours of straight arguing that I lost complete control and went after house hold objects. She has gotten close to hitting me and I wanted to retaliate but I didn't. I just screamed and fought the urge. She says I am a coward when I want to leave. I then tell her I have to leave or ill end up hurting you and I don't really feel like going to jail. if I did physically hurt her I know I would have some huge problems. I wouldl lose my job etc. I just know better. But after hours upon hours of arguing. it's jsut rediculous

 

I met my wife just after she had some serious problems. She was in a car accident where she hurt her neck and lost a baby she was 4 months along with that was her former finance's of 2 years. he cheated on her with an 18 year old. She got stuck with the house we currently live in.

 

She was pretty stressed out etc when I first met her. Very controlling and difficult to get along with. I felt sorry for her and just stayed believing her behavior was due to all stress and emotional trauma she had been through. After we were together for 3 months she got pregnant with my child. We talked about marriage but I felt it was too soon and we didn't exactly get along very well. I talked to my sister about all this because I needed a opinion and she was my closest friend or person I could trust and tell me what they thought. Her opinion was negative for obvoius reasons and I still felt obligated to merry her.

 

3 weeks after we were married I told her I talked ot my sister about her problems and why I didn't want to be married.

 

Me and my sister are a unique situation. The reason we are so close is because my mother has serious mental problems and my sister often times was the only one around. She is 8 years older.

 

So as a result my wife is mad about this. She thinks my sister is a serious threat and wanted me to disown her and there was no excuse for me talking to my sister about these things. That I should of told my sister off when she gave that advice. Now keep in mind when I talked to her about her being pregnant. My wife expected my sister to give advice like yes you need to merry her it is your responsibility. She didn't she said distance yourself from her she has some serious issues and you need to be careful. You are a rebound relationship etc.

 

So yeah most of our marriage has been about my sister. I have not seen my sister or even met my neice who is now 3 in almost 4 years.

 

We don't have sex now, she says because I treated her so poorly during her pregnancy with my son that happened 8 months after we were married. Between the time we were married to when my son was conceived she had several mis carriages. Once again we kept getting pregnant because I felt sorry for her. I mean try being next to someone who balls in the dark next to you every night. We sleep in different beds and have for 2 1/2 years because I snore at least im told for that reason. But the year before that wasn't a problem.

 

Our arguments now are still about my sister, keep in mind my sister and her have never met and she lives anywhere from 1 thousand to 3 thousand miles away. I have had very little to do with my sister due to this over the last 4 years.

 

I am told I am the abuser by her. That I am selfish and I put my sister above her. Now the fact i did marry her, and did not talk to my sister for awhile at her request. I am constantly told that the house is her's and to get out of her house. that the money is her's that I make. That buying anything is selfish

 

So I don't know here is her side of it.

 

She would say my sister is more important then she is. That I am selfish and all I want is sex. I manipulate her and tell her what she wants to hear to get what I want. That I abuse her by saying I am going to leave if I don't get to buy something. Also that I am materialistic and egotistical.

 

The thing about all this is that. We dont have sex and have only ahd sex may 3 times since my son was conceived which was almost 3 years ago now. I don't get to buy anything with her permission. I know better then to ask to buy something, with my own money I might add. I never ask her for money I never had to. We only spend maybe 20 percent of our income on bills, the rest goes into a savings account. It was joint for only about 8 months which was last year. She took it all out and put it into her own accounts. Now she has the nerve to ask me for money for rent and says im living off of her. I offered half of the bills but that was an insult to her. She really thinks I owe her all my money. she wanted rent money that would of paid all the bills that she pays. Which is the house payment and utilities. I pay everything else. All my money si going into my own savings account.

[Rabican]

I think your wife its nuts for her views on your sister. Shes mad at you for asking a family member for advice... thats just crazy in my opinion. I could see if you went to your sister and bashed her, but simply asking for advice... thats crazy. She needs to just get over it, or if she cant then tell you so and you guys need to part ways. Youve also got a whole crapload of problems to work out, and really my opinion is that you cant.

 

Most people would have a time working out a fraction of your problems... all of them combined... well Id probably be running for the hills but thats just me.

[cranbers]

I think your wife its nuts for her views on your sister. Shes mad at you for asking a family member for advice... thats just crazy in my opinion. I could see if you went to your sister and bashed her, but simply asking for advice... thats crazy. She needs to just get over it, or if she cant then tell you so and you guys need to part ways. Youve also got a whole crapload of problems to work out, and really my opinion is that you cant.

 

Most people would have a time working out a fraction of your problems... all of them combined... well Id probably be running for the hills but thats just me.

 

My wife believes that is all i was doing was bashing her while I was talking to her. There is no excuse for talking to her about our problems. that was private information. yet she can talk to her co workers about me all she wants?

 

I have never seen someone not get over something in 4 years. Or a few months even for that matter. I mean she acts like I cheated on her and won't ever forgive me. I mean my opinnion is that if she can't get over this then we part ways.

 

I should of ran for the hills and I want to. but she is nuts. She has promised tom make my life hell if i leave. that she will tell authorities that i sexuall abuse my son. that I physically beat her she will hurt herself and say I did it.

 

I mean just rediculous stuff this all makes it that much more difficult. Now add in the fact I am alone in this state. My family and loved ones who i barely know now live 1000 miles away. Also we have no friends, I don't anyway. I was in the army and everyone has relocated now. We don't do anything ever and ever 4 years you lose touch really quick.

 

the other weird thing is, we live in her home city where she grew up in. We live a mile away from her family mom and dad and she has 4 brothers and sisters in her family. yet she has no friends either. I have not seen her do anything fun, no hobbies or things she enjoys except watching tv. We have never gone anywhere, not on vacation.

 

she has ocd I know this. So that is a lot of our problems.

so yeah, this is quite a tough situation.

[isidore]

Cranbers,

I really wish I could say something helpful or something that would give you some insight, but I can't. All I can say is that if even a bit of what you say about her is true you are absolutely the person BEING abused. Like the classic abuser that she is, she has tried to make it your fault, to shift the blame onto your shoulders. But ask yourself this: for gods' sake why don't you take some control in your life? I am not trying to be harsh, but you hardly sound happy! Leave! Or at the very least quit giving her your money.

 

You might consider taking time and space away from her, out from under her thumb. This could give you some perspective back. Because, man, the way you write about it sounds like the journal of a P.O.W.

[cranbers]

One other thing to add. She calls me conceited, egotistical and narcissistic. yes she is very smart and knows very big words that are not used very often. But point is, she says this about me because when she is picking me apart and tearing me a new one for hours on end. i don't let it bother me. I just defend myself. If she yells at me about my sister, i explain why it wa said. that just makes her more mad of course.

 

So calling someone those things, because they don't break down and cry when you tear them apart. Does that make you those things? I guess so.

[cranbers]

Cranbers,

I really wish I could say something helpful or something that would give you some insight, but I can't. All I can say is that if even a bit of what you say about her is true you are absolutely the person BEING abused. Like the classic abuser that she is, she has tried to make it your fault, to shift the blame onto your shoulders. But ask yourself this: for gods' sake why don't you take some control in your life? I am not trying to be harsh, but you hardly sound happy! Leave! Or at the very least quit giving her your money.

 

You might consider taking time and space away from her, out from under her thumb. This could give you some perspective back. Because, man, the way you write about it sounds like the journal of a P.O.W.

 

haha, now thats funny. The journal of a p.o.w. now that is classic. I should of thought of that.

 

But yeah, things are that bad from my perspective. She would tell you that if she is under such control then why doesn't she get anything that she wants?

 

Now get this. After telling me how this situation is and how much she "hates" me and despise me. A day later she is telling me she wants another baby and wants a new house and wants to quit her job. So yeah, I don't get it. She is a odd one. But sees no fault in herself. She has some serious problems.

[kadvati79]

cranbers, the situation is complex (do I win an award for understatement of the new year?).

 

In complex situations where things have spiraled out of control the only way to win your way out of it is to establish a small control zone. So we pick something and target that and get it under control.

 

Now I am all for partnership relationships, and in those, you need to discuss things with your other half. But frankly, I think you'd probably have better luck trying to convince an escaped convict to go back into his cell than to convince your wife you need more control.

 

First thing that comes to mind is money. Its easy to define and control and its simple to measure. Heres what you need to do:

 

1. Accept some ****ing responsibility for things! I disagree with isidore. Its you're fault because you are letting her do this. But its not a problem, you can stop that today. Right now. You are in this situation largely because you have let her. Your tacit or overt acceptance of this behavior exists, for whatever reason, and that needs to stop. Have you seen the movie American Beauty. Well, my friend, today really is the first day of the rest of your life if you would just let it be.

 

2. Stop bloody negotiating! People often forget that one of your greatest negotiation tactics is to simply stop negotiating. If she brings up an argument about your sister. Simply stop participating. Tell her that this particular argument has gone nowhere in the past and you are not interested in having it now. Suggest that perhaps you could discuss it together later. Now inform her the conversation/negotiation is OVER (Be Firm, Be Friendly, Be Fair!). If she yells, read the newspaper. If she rips it up, be calm, and turn on the tv. If she throws plates at the TV. Do not react to her actions. Your ONLY reaction is to walk away. Drive away if you need too. Come back in a few hours and refuse to discuss it until she has calmed down. This is a tactic taught for use with children and fanatical prisoners.

 

3. Establish a control zone. Get some money out of your accounts into your OWN name. Don't go crazy, but take some out that is for your own private use. If she won't allow you, simply get your paycheck changed to go into your own accounts, and then pay a good portion of that into your joint accounts. Use this money to shout yourself some golf clubs, go to the movies, whatever you end up doing when she throws little tantrums or tries to negotiate. Remember: You do not negotiate or discuss things until she has calmed down and you feel like it.

 

4. Enjoy yourself. Get your own life. Like I said above, take up a hobby, use your personal money to pay for it. This establishment of a new life is your most powerful tactic - because she cannot control it, and you are refusing to negotiate on anything other than level terms, you are demonstrating that she cannot control you, that you do not need her, and you are quite happy enjoying yourself.

 

5. Be rational. Nothing is more scary to a control freak than where their subject refuses to accept, and maintains the utmost of rationality. If you decided to negotiate or communicate, simply point out what she is saying. Don't take a viewpoint on it, simply repeat what she is saying to you and throw in the odd rational observation. This is a technique used by psychologists and if you get good at it, you could always earn a living (not bad at $50-100 an hour).

 

6. Always remember this is not a confrontation. You are not, and should not ever, enter a fight with her. You should think of any discussions with her as a negotiation. Where it appears that she is simply not prepared to really negotiate with you, then why even bother having the discussion? Simply walk out, don't be rude, but just excuse yourself and leave.

 

7. Be prepared for a massive change. Your wife is someone you once loved. People end up this way for a variety of reasons, stress, worry, etc... Once you rebalance the relationship and remove yourself from the conflict you might be very surprised how different she becomes. But she is likely to need alot of support from yourself and maybe a professional.

[Siriana]

 

 

I should of ran for the hills and I want to. but she is nuts. She has promised tom make my life hell if i leave. that she will tell authorities that i sexuall abuse my son. that I physically beat her she will hurt herself and say I did it.

 

 

 

Heh... my cousin (a male one was married to a woman like your wife is)

She's nuts - leave her.

Maybe you could record these threats?

Leave her and ask for custody for your son. She's crazy, she could destroy the kid! And I think sooner or later you'll have to leave. I think sooner is better than later.

And also no matter what happens you can't live your life the way you do just because she is black mailing you. Don't be a coward.

But first see an attorney to see your options.

[DN]

I would advise seeing an attorney first thing on Monday - describe exactly what has happened. Find out what your options are regarding divorce, child custody, financial obligations etc. S/he may advise a restraining order against your wife and taking immediate steps to safeguard yourself and your finances.

 

Do not tell your wife you are doing this.

 

Please note that this is advise is predicated on the notion that you are going to leave her. This is because it is so obvious to me that you should. All that remains is to find out the best way to do it.

 

As to your immediate question? Based on your side of the story I would say she is the abuser.

[Bethany]

She has promised tom make my life hell if i leave. that she will tell authorities that i sexuall abuse my son. that I physically beat her she will hurt herself and say I did it. .

 

The above statement tells me that you should no longer have this woman in your life. That is blackmail and it sounds like its only a matter of time before she follows through with it as I can't imagine that you at 26 years old would stick around for a possible fifty years???? The sooner you end this, the better.

I agree with DN. See an attourney on Monday, get all the facts in writing and sort out child custody issues as a priority.

[RandomAdvisor]

cranbers,

 

After reading up to the third paragraph in your post I decided to check your previous posts to see your history. All the way back in August you came here with a horror story of a marriage and nearly six months later, where are you now? The same place you were when you came here, plus six additional unhappy months spent in a hopelessly unhappy marriage.

 

Yours is one of the worst stories I've ever read on this site. But as bad as things are for you, I can really only feel so much sympathy for you - and it isn't much. You made a number of mistakes shortly after you met this woman that I don't think I have to point out, because you're aware of them now and probably even as you made them. The person I truly feel sorry for in this situation is your son. He's totally innocent in all this and if you do nothing then he stands to grow up in a dysfunctional family with two very unhappy parents, one of them being a completely neurotic mother.

 

Is that what you want for your son? No? Then get off your ***, stop posting on an internet forum where people are only telling you things you already know and do something about it. I hate to be so harsh, but really, I don't know what else you need to be told. You've made post after post where people have sympathized with you and give you simple good advice. Yes, your wife is crazy. Yes, she is unfair to you and making your life a living hell. Yes, you should leave her. Now when are you going to stop talking about it and actually do it?

[cranbers]

Yes you are correct. I did post 6 months ago, then I figured things when get better. NOw that they haven't I already explained why leaving is so difficult.

 

1. I am alone in a state thousands of miles from support, hense why I am posting on the net in the first place.

2. I feel like I will be abandoning my son, as being as smart as she is I will end up getting the worst ppart of this, other then finally ridding myself at what cost will it come?

3. She has promised to do very horrible things if I leave. Everything form hurting herself ot hurting my son to filing false charges to suing me until we both are bankrupt. I have a high government security clearance and one callf rom her can ruin me professionally and she knows this and has threatened it.

 

 

 

I appreciate your straight forwardness and the attempt to kick me off my butt and actually do something about this situation. Posting on this thing is the only way I have to get a third part perspective, other then my sisters.

 

I feel sorry for my wife, I guess that is what got me in this in the first place.

 

 

I feel helpless I wish I could go back in time so this wouldn't have happened to being with. The sad thing is the times where she isn't being nuts is when I don't mind being around her. The only time I want to leave so bad I can't stand it is when she is beraiting me for hours on end. Then I leave and she acts like nothing happened and if I will come back, as if nothing happened.

 

So yeah I don't know what the deal is. If I go I have to deal with any ramifications and repercussions of that.

 

6 months since I posted and listenend to other people say their views, when you live in this situation you start to forget just how bad it is.

 

 

I definitely need to do something about this and I will asap. I need to get defenses ready naturally.

 

I think my plan of action will be as follows.

 

1. Talk to a lawyer and look up my rights.

2. Make sure my son is safe and my wife is as well when it does happen. (having my son with me in a hotel will not be an ideal situation. I do have her mother as support)

3. Find an apartment

4. Talk to the authorities and see what I can do to prevent her from stalking me. As well as warn them of any threats she is making.

 

 

The problem like i said is with the authorities. I would never hurt my son and I never have. NOre have I physically harmed her. The cops were called one time on her, when she wouldn't let me leave.

 

With the law wha * * * is today it is completel against the main. If she tells them I hit her, then runs herself into a wall. What defense is there for me? Throwing herself down some stairs to bruise herself and saying I did it. What can you do to protect yourself from that?

[RandomAdvisor]

cranbers,

 

You post a lot of good questions, all of which should be posed to a good divorce attorney. As crazy as your situation is I'm sure an experienced divorce attorney will have dealt with (or at least heard of) a similar case, and know how to handle it.

 

The one suggestion I would make though, is that this situation sounds like one where recording devices would come in very handy. A video or audio recording of one of your arguments with her saying all the emotional blackmail things she does, that would be golden in court. As to the legality of that and how best to do it - I don't know. So, you should go find that lawyer and ask them.

[cranbers]

Well I have decided to leave her, she cheated on me with another man and I found out about it on accident when she was talking to him on the phone. she won't admit anything except she spent the night at his house. That they are very close etc.

 

So it sucks but what can you do? So this past monday I packed up and left. I am now staying with her parents for a few weeks to get out from under her thumb and we attempt to work this out. She has started to come around over the last few days and realized that I am not coming back and she needs to figure out what she is going to do.

 

She tried black mail, manipulation etc. But I am now starting to figure out those were all just that, all bark but no bite. So I have just held my ground and laughed at her pretty much when she makes these crazy threats and now she doesn't make them anymore. She is even starting to be nice, fair and understanding and even negotiable. So already just where I am at now with just a few days ther eis at least a little bit of progress.

 

I have told her I won't be going back until she gets treatment for ocd/eating disorder and depression. I also have to go for depression I guess as well. We are going to start dating and doing fun things together and we will see where we are. I have 30 days to figure out if this will work. If it doesn't I will be moving into an apartment by myself.

 

So the next few weeks will be very interesting and life changing in every way, hopefully mostly good.

[Siriana]

Staying with her parents is a bad idea.

I think you have to find some other accommodation solution.

Besides that good luck.

[pyeatt]

Your wife may have Borderline Personality Disorder. If that

is the case, then you better get the best attorney money can

buy.