Need Help

[daisy duke]

I have been friends with a disabled man for about 15 years, we talk to each other every month, we have like a father daughter relationship for he is about 20 years older then me. I kind of feel sorry for him but i really do care about him as well, and he has one of those voices you really like to hear when you are feeling down. We have never spoken a inappropriate word to each in other in fifteen years, not a hint of it. Well heres the problem that has me crying, he went away to Europe for three months, he lives in a different state then me. When he came back i tried to contact him and he changed his number, can you believe it, i tried to reach by letter no response i called around to see if i could track him down, nothing, when i finally got his phone number he was upset and told me to quit stalking him with all the phone calls, and that we are just friends and thats all we are. I could not believe it, i mean i just cant believe it. PLEASE HELP

[Kalika]

Wow. That's really random.. As unfortunate as it is, maybe you should just let him go. For whatever reason he's upset with you.. You could try one more contact, just to tell him you were only ever interested in friendship with him.. if that fails, then forget about it. It's not fair of him to leave you hanging with no real explanation.

[cruisin]

daisy,

That does sound very odd, the whole way things changed so abruptly. I'm afraid though, that whatever the reason for his behavior, you are going to have to just let him do what he is doing.

 

It must be a terrible shock for you if you didn't see this coming. I'm not saying that you could have seen it coming or should have, but perhaps there were signs. Perhaps there weren't though and this man has his own problems and needs to deal with them in his own way.

 

Could it be that you were not considering his feelings or that you were misinterpreting them? Could it be that he wanted to be with you in a different way, either closer or less close, and you didn't see it or misinterpreted it. A disabled person is likely to have a very different outlook on life than those of us who aren't in some way handicapped. Perhaps this was bothering him but he never wanted to say anything.

 

There's really no way of knowing what led to this, but from the sounds of it, I'd say you should just let him go, no matter how hard it is for you, no matter how shocked and saddened you are. Just let him go.

[robowarrior]

It is a typical male thing to just drop all connections and then boost out of everybody's lives.

 

The great question which lies on your lips is WHY?

 

The answer, he is fed up with you. Its not because anything is wrong with you in that sense. You know your conversations and visits most likely where too excessive, which made him feel he couldn't do the things he wanted to do in his life, and everytime he wanted to escape from that world, you pulled him back in.

 

This is why he abruptly slashed you out of his world, because he felt it was the only way to get rid of your meddling. You know a disabled person (not everyone but still) might not be able to deal with as much as a normal person because they already have their hands full with their disability, and might easily be agitated because they are already in a situation they most likely don't want to be in, and if they are pressed to be in a relationship/friendship. Well let me explain it to you in this way. I think that if he would say, please don't visit me anymore, you would deny that request and still visit him, because you are so rusted shut in the idea of you and him being friends, that you wouldn't leave him alone.

 

I mean i think that you have constantly had the idea that he valued your visits. Personally i think he initially allowed you into his life , but then got fed up with you.

 

So what does this mean for you?

 

I think that you have to understand that having a relationship/friendship is also about letting the other be able to have some time for themselves so they can do their own thing, as towards being together.

 

Time for self balanced on time for others, so you don't give the other person the feeling that they are suffocating.

[daisy duke]

Dear Robo,

 

I think what you are saying, really makes alot of sense, and all of you guys

are great, thanks for the advice, i just feel God kind of gave me a mission to care about this man, when he does not have anybody, and its like, does God still want me to do this, or not. And where the heck did he come up with me stalking him, shoot i dont even live in the same state.

[cruisin]

daisy,

 

Yeah, I think this fellow's response is uncalled for, even though I don't know the real picture. I am going on what you wrote. Phone calls are hardly "stalking" unless they were excessive. You said you only met once a month. Did you call excessively? Did he ever indicate that your calls or visits were unwanted? Is it possible that he did and you didn't pick up on these signals or didn't want to pick up on them, because you did feel it was your "mission" to help him. You may have been intruding there and he may not have been able to tell you or you may not have wanted to hear. I have know many men who truly give no indication that they are not happy with a situation and then bail or do something extreme. There are many people, especially men, who don't know how to express themselves, their emotions their thoughts until they do something extreme. So, it may not have been your fault at all. But really, I'd say you know now. This is not about God. Take your signals from the man. If he is meant to be in your life, he will come back. You have to learn to let people go.

[daisy duke]

Dear Cruisin,

 

Actually we never meet in person, we are in different states, i have called him about once a month for the last ten years, to check to see how he is feeling, etc, and also he was good for me to tell him about my problems, (which a person like that is hard to find) and he knew me so well. He is a very sickly man he has been in and out of the hospital for the last couple years. And he has always told me how much my phone calls have meant to him.

[cruisin]

Dear daisy,

 

Well, I don't know. Is it possible that you talked a little bit too much about yourself and your problems and he listened politely but really didn't need to hear about others' problems when he surely has plenty of his own? You had a captive audience and he very well may not have wanted to hurt you by telling you he didn't want to hear it, but he really didn't want to hear it and finally thought the only way was to disappear and hope you got the point. Yes, it was the wrong way of doing it, but some people, especially a frail and sickly person, simply do not have the strength for confrontation. What may seem like a simple thing to us, becomes a "fight" with them and they would rather disappear than speak their mind. This is what it seems to be. This would explain his reaction when you finally did find him. Yes, I can see him seeing that as "stalking" when you actually just saw it as "concern" that he was OK after the sudden disappearance. Well, now you know. Can you deal with it and leave him alone? It doesn't make you a bad person or anything. Maybe it's just a lesson in learning to realize that people are not all they seem to be and that just because they don't say anything doesn't mean they don't have the feelings inside. You can try to get them out, but with some people you just never will. That's something they either will learn to change or won't. Focus on YOUR life, not others'.

[daisy duke]

Dear Crusin,

 

Yes i do think i will move on, i just dont like the part where there was some sort of sexual innuendo at the end with "were just friends, thats all we are, i just want to make sure you know that", is he kidding? And believe it or not, i did not want to hurt his feelings and say yeah "like i would be interested in a 60 year handicapped man" I just said crying i cant believe you told me all of that and just hung up. And i guess thats how are 15 year friendship will end, there is no turning back after that.

[cruisin]

daisy,

 

Yeah, that is really sad. Guys tend to have big egos, this one probably did as well. He probably doesn't understand friendship and sees any sort of kindness as being sexually related. Yeah, it is ridiculous for him to have thought that...then again, you can say that he probably doesn't have too much happiness in his life and if you gave him this feeling, then you did a really nice thing to him. Let him believe it. Let him play the big man, for once, that he conquered the heart of a younger woman and then dumped her in thanks. Maybe it'll make him feel big, bigger than he feels stuck in his wheelchair. In fact, he probably knows you could never love him like he perhaps wanted you to and THAT could be the problem and what caused him to run. Maybe your being so near and yet so far was just too much for him to take any longer. You know what I'm saying?