Broke 3 mo NC, feel like puking

[longhaircats]

Hi everyone,

 

Thank you so much for your advice. I sent an email to my ex last night before reading those opinions that oppose to it, but it was too late. He hasn’t replied, but that's okay.

 

My ex wanted to have me badly in his life. He fell in love with me so quickly and I was taking it slow because of what he did. Although he was always sweet to me and treated me like the most wonderful woman on the earth, he had a very dark side, so I always had a doubt if this relationship was going to work. When my ex moved into my apartment, I felt pressured. I never had my own time since he was always there (he doesn't have many friends and was always home). We started fighting a lot, and I kicked him out several times. He got hurt and broke up with me. He fell out of love. We tried to stay as friends, but we ended up sleeping together, yet he kept saying that he didn't want a relationship with anyone, because he wanted to work on himself. This situation lasted for 3 months, but it hurt me so much I couldn't do it any longer. One night over the phone he told me he was open to date other people. I was divested, because I realized that he did not want a relationship with "me." That's when I initiated NC. He went so see a counselor and I was the one "messed up" not being able to commit. I always felt guilty what I did. I cannot take back what I did, and only thing I can do now for him is to be there when he needs me. I was delusional. Clearly, his silence shows that he does not need me.

 

It hurts, but am accepting the reality and I know I can move on. I feel better about myself now. If I never hear from him, that's okay. That's his loss. I loved him all my heart regardless of his problems and he is such a fool to let go of me.

[longhaircats]

My ex just called.

 

It was her, the voice. He's been seeing a new girl from work and they are already living together. My hands are shaking....

[Lady Bugg]

Did he just call to tell you that?

[longhaircats]

He hang up on me yesterday because his girl screamed at him. He apoligy and he wanted to let me know that he is in a serious relationwhip with a new girl. I told him that I didn't want to know, but he said he had to. His new girlfriend was upset that I didn't know he is dating her.

 

Why can he move on so quickly? Why they are living together already? It's been only 4 months since I saw him last time (we slept), and 3 momths since we talked on a phone. Why did he have to tell me that he is in a serious relationship? It just hurt so much.

[longhaircats]

He said he still wants to be frieds with me, and his new girl has no problem with we talking or we stay friends. She was right there besides him telling him that.

 

How could he possibly do this? He called me 3am in a morning and tell me that he is happly in a serious relationship.

[Lady Bugg]

Well....as hard as it is, and as much as it hurts....the truth does set you free.

Now you have some closure. He is with someone else and regardless of the why'S...... at least you know it's final now. This is not meant to give you hope...but this relationship of his very well may NOT work out...even though they are living together. Sometimes moving in together too fast ends in disaster.

That's for HIM to deal with.......

 

Just try to accept this with dignity, hold your head up....and say goodbye.

[friscodj]

He said he still wants to be friends with me, and his new girl has no problem with we talking or we stay friends. She was right there besides him telling him that.

 

You did what you felt you had to, you got your answer, now disa-freaking-pear. This situation is a time bomb waiting to go off and you are best to pack your bags, wave goodbye, and move out. This thing is going to turn into an absolute disaster otherwise. That's what invariably happens when feelings are this imbalanced.

 

You said your piece, and the shop is very much closed now. His offer to be friends tells me he is either much further along with this than you are and/or wants to keep you around as a back up for his current situation, whether he consciously sees this or not.

 

So put any notion of a future friendship aside, i.e., forget about it, until you can be comfortable hearing and hearing about his new girlfriend without breaking down or feeling weird. It will take time but it can surely happen.

[longhaircats]

I just cannot believe I was with this guy for nearly 3 years, he was practically living with me most of the time. And he is already living with someone else within 3 months.

 

Lady bag, you are right. I am angry and am free of guilt now. I'll never look back again.

 

I had a closure already yesterday and I was feeling great today. I am just so sad that he had to hurt me by telling these things to make himself feel better. He did not care my feelings. At the end, he said "I miss you" and I said "thank you. I have to go now" and I hang up.

[longhaircats]

Trying to sleep (it's 5am now) but can't. I deleted his email, phone number and my favourite picture on my birthday where he looks good and I look happy. 5 days later he broke up with me. I didn't see it's coming.

 

Sorry I am rambling. I can't get hold of my best friend in Japan. I don't have close friends in London who I can call up 5am in a morning.

[friscodj]

I am angry and am free of guilt now. I'll never look back again.

 

I had a closure already yesterday and I was feeling great today. I am just so sad that he had to hurt me by telling these things to make himself feel better. He did not care my feelings. At the end, he said "I miss you" and I said "thank you. I have to go now" and I hang up.

 

Well, there you go. I think you turned a corner with this. Anger is a necessary part of grief and is a much more useful emotion than wonderment, waiting, and hoping. Now you know...so know you go...and have deep and necessary conviction to do so.

 

Realize in situations like this, you are angry now but I can tell you from personal experience that you will most likely cycle through some pain and despair in your grieving process. Realize this is all normal and you are not being "set back".

 

We'll be here for you should that happen but let's not worry about that right now. For now, use your new-found motivation to stay away from him in any shape or form.

[longhaircats]

friscodj,

 

Thank you for your words. I've been in sad and angry cycle all night. I'm sad becaus I was replacable. I wasn't that special to him after all as he made me believe. I feel like an idiot.

[longhaircats]

I am so angry I want to say hurtful things to him. I won't send it, but I want to get it off my chest. Please bear with me!

 

Frank,

 

I'm hurt because you didn't spend time alone at all to work on yourself like you promised me to. The fact is you are such a coward and does not have strength to deal with the pain of the break up and face the reality of being alone. You jump right into a new relationship and replaced me so quickly. It hurts me because I wasn't such a special person to you after all. It hurts because you didn't care my feelings at all, and told me the truth so that you don't have to feel guilty. You did this to make yourself feel better. It's sad because I spent 3 years of my precious time with this cruel person. I was a complete waste of my time, but I learned the lesson. Very painful lesson. You better see a counselor to heal from the damage you had in your childhood. Otherwise, you will repeat what you did with me and your ex wife. They will soon realize your dark side and who you really are, and fall out of love. You can't find happiness in someone else, because no one can make you completely happy. Your love is conditional: "I will love you as long as you love me back". I understand because you never received unconditional love from your parents. You have to be happy by yourself first, and that's when you can truly love someone else and they will reciprocate.

 

I told you that I'll be there for you if you need me. It is still true for the emergency case, but I don't want anything from you or your new girlfriend. Because it's not real. My friends will never ignore my calls and they will help me when I need them. You can't do it for me, because your friendship is a fake. You just want to stay friends with me to ease your pain and guilt. I don't need a fake friend in my life.

 

Good bye and have a nice life.

[meantime]

Hey there broke NC last night woke up feeling sick. Can't believe I did it. LH please tell me how you are feeling now? Better? Worse?

[longhaircats]

Hey meantime,

 

Hang in there. I cried all night, but I feel better now. I think I was still in love with "the idea" of him, but he was not the same person I thought he was or hoped for. It was a harsh way, but I feel like I am awake from a dream now. I don't want him back at all, because he is weak and selfish. I felt guilty because he wouldn't have left me if I committed to him 100%, and this is what preventing me from healing. For the first time in 7 months, I am agry with him. It really helps me moving on.

 

I don't regret contacting him. I got a closure. So don't worry about what you did. I can get throught this, and so you can.

[Juliana]

Sorry you had such a bad response to your email, but some people aren't mature enough to accept someone's good wishes for them as nothing more than that, without knuckling down on them about things that don't matter. If he had been more respectful of your feelings, knowing you as he does, he wouldn't have been phoning you in the middle of the night to tell you about his new girlfriend -- that was entirely at her insistence, I guarantee.

 

I don't think you should judge yourself based on scenarios of what might have been. I don't think that your inability to commit was the reason your relationship failed, necessarily. If communication and things had been better with him, the relationship would have succeeded. As it is, there may be enough affection there for a good friendship, but not enough for a marriage, and if he keeps disregarding your feelings as he just did, there won't even be enough for a friendship.

 

Simply put, not all romances are meant for the long haul, and the end of a relationship is never all one person's fault. You need to dredge up some self-respect, don't invite him to respond to your intimate feelings, and behave in a way that keeps other people from disrespecting you. I don't think his new girlfriend is going to be able to accept him being friends with you at all, because I do think he cares for you, but he seems to be a bit spineless. I can't imagine phoning an ex with my current bf hanging over me, monitoring what I say. That's just weird. But that's the best he has to offer right now, so keep that in mind in thinking about him, and dealing with him.

[friscodj]

Thank you for your words. I've been in sad and angry cycle all night. I'm sad becaus I was replacable. I wasn't that special to him after all as he made me believe. I feel like an idiot.

 

You are not an idiot! On the contrary, you broke free from the handcuffs. Now your wrists hurt now from doing so but the bigger outcome here is that you are on your way out of this. That is priority one and priority one has been met it sounds. Everything else is less important. Your ill feelings here will fade but your freedom is permanent.

 

The point is, you got what you needed to make an emotional change here and really start finding your freedom from this situation. Congratulations, you are on your way to letting this go and towards the promised land of indifference. It won't always be an easy journey as you'll cycle through grief (which you are doing now), but the point is you are heading in the right direction.

[longhaircats]

friscodj, Thanks a lot. I am feeling fine this morning, but am really down now. I'm in pain and wondering how long does it take to be able to think of him without feeling pain. How long did it take in your experiences? I've been in pain for the past 7 months. I can't hate him. Do I want him back? No. But I still miss him (or memories of him) after all this. Other people say it will pass but it just doesn't seem like going away.

 

Any thought anyone?

[Juliana]

You have to let yourself move through the feelings, and try to keep in mind that the relationship, with all it's good and bad, is over. Now is for grieving and picking up the pieces of your life to make something new without him. You don't have to hate him, but at some point you may get angry in a healthy way about the failures in the relationship that he had a part in.

[friscodj]

friscodj, Thanks a lot. I am feeling fine this morning, but am really down now. I'm in pain and wondering how long does it take to be able to think of him without feeling pain. How long did it take in your experiences? I've been in pain for the past 7 months. I can't hate him. Do I want him back? No. But I still miss him (or memories of him) after all this. Other people say it will pass but it just doesn't seem like going away.

 

Any thought anyone?

 

Well, there is no simple answer to this really. You'll cycle through a lot of ups-and-downs with this but the important thing is to realize that at this point, the grief is out of your control. Your body will do what it needs to do to get better, very much like being sick. When you are sick, you miss being healthy, you miss being able to go out and enjoy life, you miss feeling good.

 

Miss all this all you want but realize you cannot have what you want. This means, he is gone, what you had is gone, but the illusion and ideas of what "could have been", "what if things change", "what if he comes back to me" are your mind's reaction to protect you against the pain of grief and separation. Just because it is doing this, does not mean you should follow these urges.

 

You had something eating at you and you addressed it, i.e., touched base with your email to deliver a message to him. Any further contact beyond that is unnecessary. You visited a grave site and left a letter on the headstone. Now there is no need to dig up and keep poking a rotten corpse.

 

The short answer to you question, "How long will it last..." is one without concrete answer. Given what I've felt in your posts, and given what I have experienced in situations similar to yours, to truly be able to reconnect on any healthy level, I'd say (ballpark) at least a year...and then give it another few months because when the time is right...you'll lose track of the timeline anyway... When you can talk to him about his relationship, hear some details, hear how happy he is, and truly reciprocate these feelings without being shaken yourself at all and truly wish him the best, then you are ready.

 

So what are you going to do during the "meantime" here? Sit around and wait for the day to come? Is that what you want to do? I didn't think so...

 

So since you detached from your situation and ideas about a relationship with him, detach from the norm associated with that as well. That means, go outside of your comfort zone of familiarity, get out, and try some new things in your life. Step up your pursuit of or find a new passion in your life, a reason to be psyched about getting out of bed in the morning, something you've always wanted to do but maybe never had the time, motivation, or confidence to do it. My last break up motivated me to go climb a few of the seven summits. Find a new hobby, a new associated club to join, and make new friends and memories. Maybe go back to school or otherwise improve your professional life. Use this pain and grief as motivation to better yourself. The grief is going to take as long as it needs here but you can ameliorate the sting and give it purpose to which you can reflect upon in the future and ultimately feel good about this situation you are in.

 

So take care of yourself, cover the basics, i.e., eating and sleeping properly, and pamper yourself a bit, make yourself feel good. You're the best person to counteract the effects of the grief like this. And now is a good time to strengthen relationships with your family and friends as well.

 

This will pass and you will be fine I absolutely 100% guarantee it. Tomorrow or 2 months from now you might have a rough day, but the overall trend will be onward and upward. Buckle in and prepare for the absolute worst so when it isn't really as bad as your thought, this relative difference will pick your spirit up as well. You will be fine and you are fine right now...you just don't feel or believe it yet...

[longhaircats]

Step up your pursuit of or find a new passion in your life, a reason to be psyched about getting out of bed in the morning, something you've always wanted to do but maybe never had the time, motivation, or confidence to do it. My last break up motivated me to go climb a few of the seven summits. Find a new hobby, a new associated club to join, and make new friends and memories. Maybe go back to school or otherwise improve your professional life. Use this pain and grief as motivation to better yourself. The grief is going to take as long as it needs here but you can ameliorate the sting and give it purpose to which you can reflect upon in the future and ultimately feel good about this situation you are in....

 

 

I moved to a new city 3 mo ago to start my PhD so am working on my career improvement. I always loved traveling, but since I am a self-funded student with budget constraint, I will stay local and go to pool (I used to be a quite swimmer when I was a kid) and start Aikido lesson. I stopped eating junk food and trying to stay healthy and look good. I've been trying my best to enjoy my life here.

 

This will pass and you will be fine I absolutely 100% guarantee it. Tomorrow or 2 months from now you might have a rough day, but the overall trend will be onward and upward. Buckle in and prepare for the absolute worst so when it isn't really as bad as your thought, this relative difference will pick your spirit up as well. You will be fine and you are fine right now...you just don't feel or believe it yet...

 

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear it. I am feeling good now, and I know there will be ups and down, down the road. I will come back here for help when I am down, but I know I'm on a right track.

 

Everyone, thank you so much again!!

 

Love all,

 

longhaircats

[midnightrambler]

think of how you felt when you heard the woman's voice in the background and remember it when you feel the irge to call the ex