A relationship?

[agualibre777]

So.... this guy and I have been seeing each other for a little bit over a month. Had a bit of drama at the beginning, that was due to me getting some anxiety and stuff. Then some drama about a sexual encounter we had in which I felt he was cold and he made a statement I didn't like.

 

The drama basically occurred because of our differences. I always get anxiety during dating because of the fears I have about getting attached and being a fool and because of my bad experiences in the past. He, on the other hand, is different in the sense he played in the NFL for five years and was shuffled from city to city without being able to maintain a long relationship. He is unable to say things like "i like you" or "i love you" to anyone, not even his mother. He has difficulty opening up. And he is stubborn, he is unable to apologize when he is wrong for the most part. He is a very kind and generous person, and is always very encouraging and supportive. He had a recent relationship with a woman that was 8 months long and she moved into his house during that time. That ended in August when she yelled at him and he broke up with her cause he was raised by an abusive father and didn't want a relationship with someone who'd get angry like that.

 

He said when we started dating that he is giving the relationship a mourning period. That he didn't want a relationship til he got his things in order. He is in process of finishing school and getting into grad school. And a relationship to him is a really big deal. We had agreed to not date and be friends, good friends, because I knew I wanted a relationship, and then that didn't work out and we slipped back into being sexual with each other.

 

Whenever we speak to each other our energy levels increase by ten times. We are laughing and have a million things to talk about. He said the last time we spoke we are more alike than different, which I agree with. Whenever I need something he is there for me. He knows me and all my neuroses and we laugh at them. I know his too and I tease him about it. We are very lighthearted about things that annoy most people. I swear, we know each other as though we've been dating for three months, not one.

 

But honestly, I'm wondering... do I wait around for him to come around and want a relationship? Cause honestly, aside from a label, I feel like it is one. We talk practically every day or every other day and the vibe is the best I've felt with anyone for the last few years. I mean, I still look out for someone else to date, but no one I meet even compares to him in the slightest. And when I talk to other people I get bored!!!

 

If that's what I want, what is the best way to go about it?

[herewegoagain]

Well, I know it is going to be very hard to do, but do not bug him about where things are going or about putting a label on your "relationship."

 

Just let it happen, and eventually he may come around. It's only been a month - give it time.

 

The worst thing you can do right now is to keep on bringing it up. He sounds like a guy who doesn't want to be pushed.

[annie24]

honestly, I would not get my hopes up about this guy. If you haven't read the book, "He's just not that into you," go read it. I think he just, "isn't that into you." I have had times in my life where I was super busy and stressed out too, but if I like a guy, I never made him feel like I didn't have the energy for a relationship. But if I didn't like the guy, I would tell him that I am stressed and can't be a gf to him right now.

 

Or maybe he is genuine, he really is stressed out and can't have a relationship, at which point you should just leave him alone and let him sort his stuff out. but don't wait around for him.

 

I think if he does get into grad school and his issues decrease, he still will find another excuse as to why he can't hook up with you.

 

And do you REALLY want a man who isn't capable of telling anyone he likes or loves them? emotionally closed off. is that what you have always wanted in a man?

 

But honestly, I'm wondering... do I wait around for him to come around and want a relationship? Cause honestly, aside from a label, I feel like it is one. We talk practically every day or every other day and the vibe is the best I've felt with anyone for the last few years. I mean, I still look out for someone else to date, but no one I meet even compares to him in the slightest. And when I talk to other people I get bored!!!

 

no, definitely don't wait around. if he felt the same way about you that you feel about him, he wouldn't let you slip away like this. I think you know that deep down.

[agualibre777]

well, the thing is he puts just as much energy into it as though it's a relationship... we talk for hours and spend entire days with each other when we hang out. the energy is good. i feel like it is a relationship in every other aspect than a label. and he speaks very highly of me.

he doesn't say he loves me or likes me, but he treats me like he does. he tells me that he spoke with his friend for years and hasn't ever told her he loves her but she just knows that he does and that the people he is close to understand him. he knows he has to work on it, that his friends deserve more from him...

I actually feel like deep down he really cares for me. I don't know what that really means though... I honestly don't know what to do, because one can see things in both ways, on one side, be patient and enjoy it for what it is. on the other side, don't wait around cause i might be wasting my time.

i remember speaking to him about what we wanted. he said i was lucky because i knew that i wanted a relationship. i was lucky cause i knew what i wanted. so i think that means he doesn't know what he wants.

maybe it is true that he isn't that into me. but i honestly don't feel that deep down.

[agualibre777]

maybe you're right.

[annie24]

well, you know, I would distance myself a little bit from him. so many people don't take action until they think they might lose you. I would make a conscious effort to meet other guys. be a bit more mysterious. go on other dates. if he gets fussy, tell him, "you're not my boyfriend!" you know, maybe a little bit of distance is what he needs to make him wake up and make a move before you get bored of him and some other guy sweeps you off your feet...

[agualibre777]

I sent him an email yesterday saying I wanted to be close to him but he made it clear he didn't want a relationship, that I appreciated all of our time together and the laughs we had, but that in order to keep myself from being hurt in the long run, we should cool it. That maybe in a couple of months we can be friends. And not to call me to keep the same thing going on, cause I can't do it that way.

 

He hasn't called or emailed me back. And he won't. He told me that where he is from (Uganda) a man can't beg for a woman back, even if she is the best thing that ever happened to him.

 

So, he won't call. And he won't email. I deleted his phone number from my cell phone. If he wants me, he needs to step it up. Or it's over, which it seems like it is. I emailed him the song "Shadowboxer" by Fiona Apple.

 

I might see him in yoga class and the thought of that makes me nervous. I do really care for him, but if he doesn't care for me in the same way, if he doesn't value me... then I don't want him. I know he realizes he is losing something special, and with time it will sink in more and more. Because our friendship was something real special. This is probably one of the hardest things I've done...

[annie24]

hm, well, to be honest, i wouldn't have sent him the e-mail and I wouldn't have sent him the song. I would have let him think about what happened on his own..... make him wonder if you stopped calling him because you met someone new.... I think you gave away some of your power this way. but, ok, what's done is done.

 

go to yoga, look hot, and don't engage in conversations with him. be mysterious. I think you put him on a pedestal and you never should have done that. you should have let him put YOU on a pedestal.

 

start meeting new guys ASAP!

[agualibre777]

yeah, well... i never do what is right... i don't know if you'll see this, but i saw him yesterday at yoga. i said hi and passed by but he stopped me to ask what was wrong. why did i look so angry, that he could see my energy from the doorway. that i shouldn't be walking around like that. and i pointed at my face and said "i'm hurt. this is what hurt looks like". and he had this smile on his face. he said "what, you're hurt cause we can't be friends?" i said "yeah" he said "you're hurt because we can't be the kind of friends you want us to be? that's selfish". and i said "you don't even care do you?" and he got all serious and said "i care. i do care. if i didn't care i wouldn't have stopped. you can't walk around with that kind of energy." and i looked him straight in the eye and said in an even voice "you can't help me 'jon', you are the last person who can help me." and we stared solidly into each others eyes for half a minute. and i said "you understand?" and he said "yes". and i turned and walked away.

 

stupid me, i sent him an email when i got home saying that even though he was insensitive on the street i knew it was because he didn't know what to say. that i was hurt because i knew he didn't think i was a good enough woman to love, that i felt objectified. and that he'd have to look for a long time to find another woman that loves as honestly.

 

as a successful man, he is going to have woman throwing themselves at his feet. but is it for who he is? i dont' think so. honestly, i know he passed up on a good opportunity with me. i'm still struggling though to maintain no contact. i can't call him, but part of me wants to email and apologize for saying he was objectifying me...

 

sigh. i never meet men. i mean, i'm not like a normal girl. i really am not. i am too much for most men.

[agualibre777]

he goes to yoga at my place, my question for you annie, knowing how hung up i've acted, do i switch yoga places for a month til i get myself straight? or do i just try my hardest to put a face on? smile, say hi, go to a corner and just try not to let him talk to me.