anggrace Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Today I had made an appointment for my ex (as of 5 minutes ago) and I to go see a therapist. He had agreed. It was a last atempt on my part to resolve some issues that I knew would eventually break us apart. Tonight he told me he needed space. In my opinion, that means, "I dont think I want to do what it takes to make this work because Im a self-rightous, egotistical who doesnt think your worth it." Well, I told him he might as well consider it a break up. I have been trying for two years to make this man happy. Its like Ive been swimming against a current. For those of you who wonder if sex affects a relationship, Im here to say, it does! In my case we werent having hardly any and when we did, it didnt seem he enjoyed it. He rarely instigated, and when I did, he never seemed to want to return the favor. I struggeled to find out why and tried everything. Needless to say, after two years of this, it made me feel like a giant turd. I tried to just accept it as the way it was, but my frustration was coming out in other ways. He wasnt willing to face the problem, and Im sorry, but I need to feel wanted everyonce in a while. Im feeling okay with our seperation because I know I did all I could. Im leaving this relationship with a better understanding of who I am and what Im capable of giving. Im going to make someone else a happy man. It may take years to find someone, but Id rather be alone than with someone who doesnt appreciate me. Its going to be hard to let go of the "idea" of us, but its obvious to me now that thats all it was. Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Hey anggrace- I'm sorry to hear of your break up but honestly it sounds like after the associated grief passes, you will be way better off. You just got out of the lake, swimming vs. the current, where you would have eventually sunk to the bottom like the turd you described. It sounds like you put the effort of 10 women into this relationship and now...you are free... You're right, it will be hard to let go of such a routine, including the notion of being in and functioning in a relationship in general, but you are and will continue to be fine, better than fine actually for the aforementioned reasons. Plus you've got great friends and a great group of people here to help you through this. Today is the Fourth of July for you anggrace. You got out of a situation that was weighing you down big time and can now start on the road to better places in your life and not someone else's. 1 Link to comment
anggrace Posted January 10, 2007 Author Share Posted January 10, 2007 THANK YOU friscodj!!!! Link to comment
emma34 Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Good for you! Ya know, this scares me, because i've been dealing with the same thing. My boyfriend of a year has never really been a sexual guy...he rarely wants to do it and almost never has instigated it. There was about 2 months where he could almost never perform. Things are pretty good now, we have sex pretty regularly...but i prety much have to ask for it...and i hate that sometimes he says no- it really hits my self-esteem. Anyway, i've talked too much about myself.good luck to you- and ur right...sex does matter. Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 THANK YOU friscodj!!!! What did I do? Thank yourself because you took charge of your life and happiness. I'm just calling it like I see it; I'm just reporting the news... Link to comment
anggrace Posted January 10, 2007 Author Share Posted January 10, 2007 Hey emme34- Didnt mean to scare you. Thats good that you guy seem to be getting somewhere. Dont give up hope if hes willing to work at it with you. It wasnt just the non-existant sex life broke us up, it was just as much his lack of interest in making our relationship better. No matter how I went about it, he didnt seem to want to be bothered with it. I know that relationships can take alot of work. If you have someone who wants to go through the ups AND down with you, hold on to him. Link to comment
finewhine Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Anggrace - I could have written exactly what you wrote today when I broke up with my ex seven months ago. Your tone, your reasons - everything. Here's future you telling you your life is a gadjillion times more awesome than it was with a self-centered dude who's not into sex. You're free, now do a little freedom dance! Link to comment
guyoverthere Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 I'm sorry to hear about the break-up. I hope you find a little "enjoyment" out there anggrace. Use protection, wink-wink. Link to comment
EddieRentz Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Ang Bravo!!! You are an inspiration and should pat yourself on the back for being so strong. I deated the female version of your ex for 6 years, sat there for 4 years begging her to go see a therapist alone or together to figure out why there was no sex... there was always an excuse about stress or work or the pill... I accepted it like you did for a while. Resentments built up the same way yours did...etc. You were smart though. I thought love and patience would get her to work through things. She never did, then met some guy on the other side of the country and decided that our sexual issues were all my fault and dumped me on my * * *. You are soooo right, it is an ego thing. You handled things exactly how all of us in that situation should have handled it... Hugs Eddie 1 Link to comment
audrey28 Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 you are a very courageous woman! it's very easy to fall into the trap of a relationship that isn't working anymore just because it's convenient (in some ways) and provide temporary security. it takes a lot of guts to walk away. you did the right thing! if you feel you have been doing so much to make him happy and these efforts are not reciprocated, the build up of resentment could be destructive. your needs are not being met and you acknowledge that. i admire you for your strength and you are an inspiration to me as well. although my relationship problems were rooted elsewhere, it's the same principle of "settling for less than what we deserve". we just have to remind ourselves that and try to move on as best we can. 1 Link to comment
i2oadi2unnei2 Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 anggrace, Your situation is exactly like mine, I feel exactly like you except I'm the male version of you! The only thing I did not do is see a therapist... Link to comment
anggrace Posted January 10, 2007 Author Share Posted January 10, 2007 anggrace, Your situation is exactly like mine, I feel exactly like you except I'm the male version of you! The only thing I did not do is see a therapist... Well, we never accually made it to the the therapist. But he was willing.. for a few hours, then thats when he said he needed space. I think thats a cop-out for facing our problems. Are you still working at this with her? Link to comment
i2oadi2unnei2 Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 No, we broke up in October. Sex was one of her issues and she is not into it so I just had to accept it. We gone as far as almost a year w/o sex, yet I accepted it because I respected her wishes. She knew sex was important to me because that is one way to show my intimacy, love, etc. We've been together for 5yrs and she ended it in October. Honestly, as the days, weeks, months goes by, I'm starting to see, truly see the enitire picture of our relationship and I should've left 2 years ago, but I was too clouded by my heart. I won't go into too much detail since I don't want to hijack your thread So to answer your question, no, because there is no "her" in my life, for now anyways. Link to comment
EddieRentz Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 i2 - wow and I thought I was the only one in that horrible spot for so long. We did not deserve that for as long as we were forced to endure. More over we did not deserve to be dumped by these self centered women that we were willing to endure so much pain for. You will take that love and have it returned 10 fold. Ang - I have to say once again I am so proud of you for doing what you did. Makes me feel emboldened even though things went awry for me. Reminds me that none of us deserve to be in a relationship where one half is willing to work and the other half is not because of ego. You are a far stronger person than I think you give yourself credit for. Thank you for sharing Hugs Eddie Link to comment
anggrace Posted January 11, 2007 Author Share Posted January 11, 2007 THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for your encouragement and support! It really means so much to me and has been really helpfull. Today he sent me two e-mails apologizing. He was apologizing for the many hurtfull things to he had said to me after we broke up. Although I appreciate it, I cannot forget that nothing was going to change. There is no reason to give it another go. I can only do that so many times. He knew what was on the line and he had a chance show he cared. I just have to get through this time where I feel Chris withdraw. Im so used to thinking about him and trying to make him happy. I now have to redirect that energy into making myself happy. Its hard because I have this incredible urge to love and be loved in return. Mabey Ill get a dog. Link to comment
i2oadi2unnei2 Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 i2 - wow and I thought I was the only one in that horrible spot for so long. We did not deserve that for as long as we were forced to endure. More over we did not deserve to be dumped by these self centered women that we were willing to endure so much pain for. You will take that love and have it returned 10 fold. Ang - I have to say once again I am so proud of you for doing what you did. Makes me feel emboldened even though things went awry for me. Reminds me that none of us deserve to be in a relationship where one half is willing to work and the other half is not because of ego. You are a far stronger person than I think you give yourself credit for. Thank you for sharing Hugs Eddie Eddie, I know I'm not alone regarding our S.O. and them not wanting sex for whatever reason and that there are many of us are in the same boat. I know/feel some of the readers here are feeling the same and some may think, man we're bunch of p****ies, if you know what I mean, yet I'm not afraid to admit it. Pride and ego should not belong in a relationship, yet we allow them to dictate our "life" with them if you will. It's giving them respect, giving them what they want in order to make them happy, giving them everything, physically (or lack thereof) and mentally. Yet, get screwed at the end...AND, we still want them back! Of course, once we go down that road of healing, only then we know our self worth... THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for your encouragement and support! It really means so much to me and has been really helpfull. Today he sent me two e-mails apologizing. He was apologizing for the many hurtfull things to he had said to me after we broke up. Although I appreciate it, I cannot forget that nothing was going to change. There is no reason to give it another go. I can only do that so many times. He knew what was on the line and he had a chance show he cared. I just have to get through this time where I feel Chris withdraw. Im so used to thinking about him and trying to make him happy. I now have to redirect that energy into making myself happy. Its hard because I have this incredible urge to love and be loved in return. Mabey Ill get a dog. Ang, I commend and applaude to you for making the right decision for yourself. Be consistent with your heart and mind and keep going down that road and at the end, you will find yourself and that love you deserved, because, you've earned it. I'll be honest with you. Those two email apologies don't mean jack, they're nothing but words. Words are easily spoken, it's action is what counts. He says this and that and he'll change yet nothing changes. Leave it, forgive him, hold him dear to your heart because he shared a life with you, but move on, for you, not for him... Best wishes to you all... p.s. my dinner is burning!!!!! Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 i went through a similar thing too... i think this happens to a lot of people... i wanted to go into counseling with him and he kept avoiding it... so i went to a counselor to talk to them about the relationship, what i could do if he wasn't taking it seriously, and went through all this self examination and focusing on him and his needs during these sessions trying to find a way to deal with the situation without him acknowledging the problem... ...until one day, the counselor looked me square in the eye and said, 'did it ever occur to you that he might be gay and maybe can't accept that in himself??' well... DUH!!! i felt so stupid, but i could see how that *might* (WAS!) the problem... he was raised by a very 'macho' father and religious family who would NOT accept a gay man, so he was trying very hard to be straight, including have a girlfriend as a prop, but playing it straight was not working for him (and DEFINITELY not for me, next to no sex!!)... he never did admit to it, but didn't argue too much when i broke up with him and told him that it was NOT healthy to not have sex with your partner, for whatever reason, so time to move on. so one never really knows why it happens for sure, especially if the other person is not being honest with you OR himself... could be sexual incompatability or psychological problems, who knows, but when trying to have a normal sex life becomes a chore and involves begging or constant attempts to entice the other partner with little success, i think it is time to move on... best of luck to you, your deserve a normal healthy sex life, regardless of his problems! Link to comment
i2oadi2unnei2 Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 I must say, I'd like to add my two cents regarding counceling. Counseling is not my forte, nor I've been in one, nor care to go to one (if she wanted me to go, I am willing) however, I must say that if you can't be "open and honest" with yourself and (no 'or' here) your S.O., it'll be a long hard relationship. I don't need a counser/therapist to tell me whats our issues. If you don't/can't communicate with openess and with honesty, again, it'll be a long hard road that will lead to a breakup, I speak with experience because I just got done walking that road! As I mentioned before, I wish I left 2 years ago...but bah!, I'm over it, it's over now, life goes forward, not backwards and I've learned so much from my last ex I am thankful Link to comment
EddieRentz Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 I think many people need counseling to get through intimacy issues because they never learned how to communicate with loved ones. Just because some of us were raised in affectionate and communicative households doesn't mean all were. My ex was never hugged by her father as a kid, ever. She told me a story a long time ago that when she was a kid, other people's parents would remark to her mom that she seemed cold and completely uncomfortable with any sort of affection (like a hug hello at a family event). Most people cannot get past that on their own - these scars run deep. It is a painful thing to deal with and requires introspection and a willingness to re-experience a lot of old pain. I can understand not wanting to deal... but the point for those of us in (or who used to be in a relationship with such a person) is recognizing the pathology and taking a stand like Ang did is the best way to deal. Ang - what was your boyfriend's relationship like with his parents? Link to comment
fadedocean Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 Hi, i had the same problem with my ex GF, we were together for nearly 3 years, and about a year and a half of that was her struggling with sex, i loved her so i never pressured her, but as you all have said, frustration starts to mount up and arguments happen to the point of almost every night. was it just sex with your ex partners? because my ex also struggled with any form of closeness at all, she hardly wanted to cuddle or kiss or even just hold each other....yet she said she still loved me alot. Link to comment
anggrace Posted January 11, 2007 Author Share Posted January 11, 2007 Well, his mom passed four years ago, so Im not so sure what their relationship was like. But Ive seen him with his dad and brother. THey are all VERY much alike. They never hug, ever. Its as if its uncomfortable. He did hug me though. But they do not talk about how there feeling or anything at all really except, news, science, politics and that kind of stuff. My fam is very much the opposite. Im sure that had alot to do with it. I have to admit though, Ive also wondered about the gay thing. Because even when I did initiate, he didnt seem into it at all. He deffinatly didnt care about giving me pleasure either. I think there were a number of factors. I was willing to work with him, but he didnt seem to think there was a problem. thereforeeee, what is there to work on? Link to comment
EddieRentz Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Ang... can I be you when I grow up? You are so together. Now if I could invent a time machine and send you back to 2003.... Seriously though, the way people are towards there family bears heavily how they will be with friends and with lovers and with relationships. No sex drive doesnt necessarily mean gay... some people just associate the wrong things with sex. Link to comment
anggrace Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 Ang... can I be you when I grow up? You are so together. Now if I could invent a time machine and send you back to 2003.... Seriously though, the way people are towards there family bears heavily how they will be with friends and with lovers and with relationships. No sex drive doesnt necessarily mean gay... some people just associate the wrong things with sex. Thanks Why 2003? Link to comment
EddieRentz Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 2003 was when I should have done what you just did... may have worked toward making the ex get help... maybe she wouldnt be an ex, or maybe she'd have gotten help but went on without me... or maybe I just wouldnt have had to feal with the pain these last 3 years... Link to comment
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