He wants female friends

[ninaa1]

I have been with my bf for almost two years now. I know that he has had relationships with women that he works with in the past and it has not bothered me to a great extent..lately i have discovered that he has txt messages of other women he works with, some he tells me have a bf others dont. He talks mainly of his male friends. He has been working at this place .... for 14 years and i guess you make friends inside work if its been his only social circle.

 

He told me last night after i read a txt message of a girl he works with inviting him to a gig, that if he has female friends i should deal with it, i reacted badly as i know for a fact he would not have told me about the txt and relationships with these girls from work. I had male friends which i have stopped seeing because it upset him and he didnt like them.

 

Now he changed the goal post, wants to go out with these girls and says he didnt tell me because of the way i react. I feel hurt that he feels the need to go out with other girls and tells me i have nothing to worry about that he loves me and this girls has a bf and he should be able to have a life outside of the relationship-i have never stopped him from seeing his friends but i dont like the idea of other girls bf or no bf.

 

How do i deal with this? he made me feel really bad about seeing my male friends so i stopped, maybe he does not want to commit i have asked him to move in with me a number of times, he is there all the time anyway, but it seems to me he always keeps his options open, he wants me and everyone else in his life and dont want to give up a thing, yet, he has my door keys sees me whenever he wants and does whatever he wants and still is never happy.

 

What can i do, i explianed that its because he hides thnigs i react badly when i find out. If he was more honest to begin with i wouldnt feel he had something to hide.

 

Would any other ladies allow a relationship with other girls?? am i wrong to feel jealous? any advice would be great, thanks in advance xx

[Jeffrey2095]

Dear ninaa1,

 

It sounds like a very conveinient arraingment... for him.

 

It's too bad he expects you to adhere to something he is not willing to (ie: not seeing others of the opposite sex.)

 

Personally, I wouldn't go for something like that. Female "friends" are one thing, and the ones at his work, but dating... It doesn't sound like a good way to carry on a relationship.

 

I wonder what the other girls boyfriends think.

 

Good luck

[meantime]

It sounds so much like my last relationship. Do you feel like your self esteem has eroded a bit since being in this relationship? If it has that is why you can't see so clearly that you deserve the same respect in the relationship that you have given him. All of that aside, it is never easy for the guy you love to get texts from other women asking him to hang out. I don't think most women like it especially if the other woman is not in a committed relationship. My opinion, and it is just my opinion, out of respect for you and the relationship he should be open with all of his female relationships and keepn nothing hidden from you. You should go to the gig with the two of them. If he has something he wants to keep hidden, or wants to keep one of his female friendships to himself, let him but get your keys back first.

[ninaa1]

Hello meantime,

 

Thanks, he tells me time with his friends should me time to himself and why would i feel the need to go with him!! dont i trust him is the question i get, he sees his brother every tues i try not to txt him in fear it may anger him that he is not getting time alone with his brother.

 

He said i could go with him to the gig, but i know it would never happen and if it came to it he would be very anger and feel trapped. he wants his time to be his, i have not met his work friends i only know of the males.

[meantime]

Personally I feel we only get one life. I want to share mine with someone who really wants to share his with me. I understand the need for two people to pursue their own interests it is what makes each of you interesting. What he is doing here is different he is doing exactly what you think and know he is doing. And, it doesn't feel right or good that is why you posted here. But, you are so in love with the guy you are willing to take what he gives you and follow his rules for the relationship. You are too afraid to text while he is with his brother????? In a relationship two should understand each other's boundries but when you are fearful of sending a text bc it would disturb his time...that is another thing. It sounds to me like he has got you right where he wants you. If it was easy I would suggest cutting him loose but I know it is easier said than done. Respect yourself, even if you are not feeling it right now, follow the guidelines here...read some threads from blender to needingadvice she talks about how you need to take care of yourself when you are in a relationship like the one you are in...good luck!

[Iceman26]

I would do one of two things were I in your shoes.

 

I would break up with him (because life is to short to deal with crap like this), or I would say fine, go hang out with your girl friends, I am going to call up my guy friends and we are going to hang out.

 

If he doesn't like it, tough. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

[run_little_rabbit]

I'm with Iceman. He's not treating you very well.

[Hope75]

Well....

 

I do think that he's being a bit of a jerk about how he handled this, but it all comes down to a choice that you made to stop hanging out with your male friends for him, and now the expectation of him to do the same.

 

You say he was making you feel badly for spending time with guy friends, so you dropped them. Why instead, did you not say, "I am with you because I want to be, but these are my friends and I am not going to drop them." That was a choice that you made yourself, and so now you have these similar expectations of him. But is that really fair?

 

Having said that, I am concerned because he wants to go and hang out with these girls and doesn't really want you to come along. I think the problem lies right there....when he's keeping his friends separate from you, I worry. I'm not saying that you should always be there when he hangs out, but if you actually met them and got a chance to get to know them, perhaps you would not be as bothered next time he wanted to go out without you.

 

Anyway, if he keeps giving you a hard time about it, maybe asking him how he'd feel if you called a male friend of yours for a movie. Then re-evaluate if the way he is treating you is something that you want to tolorate and if this relationship is for you.

[ninaa1]

Thanks hope75, Its not fair and yes i made my choice i don't want him to give up his friends but i don't know these girls.

 

He was invited along with my male friends, he didn't like them.

 

I don't see his male or female friends and never invited for a night out.

 

Oh i have got a wedding coming up in feb, I am surprised he wants to take me but it is a male friend of his and i don't think his so called girlfriends at wrk will be invited.

 

I don't know what to think....feeling really stressed out. x

[Hope75]

Hi ninaa,

 

So let me get this straight-- he keeps you isolated from ALL of his friends, male and female?

 

Have you ever been out with any of them or gotten a chance to meet them?

 

If not, I would consider this a big red flag. When a man is happy and proud to be with his partner, he wants to show her off and have his friends meet her. When he isn't, or has something to hide, she remains a secluded and separate part of his life.

 

I hope this isn't the case with you.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Ohhh dear. He's a major hypocrite here - you cant have opposite-gender friends. He can.

 

He isn't showing a lot of justice or respect here, is he?

 

I'd say get back in touch with your male friends and rebuild your social circle. And if he reacts horribly, its the final alert that hes a JERK!

[Rose1966]

I am 40 yrs old and let me tell you....simple and to the point....

People in relationships do not have any reason to be going out with people of the opposite sex. How do you think affairs start?

[Joneysnai]

hmmm.. i can't believe he expects you to do what he, himself is not willing to do. telling u he didnt mention it because of the way you act is retarded as far as i am concerned. he wants to do what he wants without giving any thought to how you feel about it, yet if you want to do the same he gets pissed off.

 

you're doing everything he wants yet he can't even share what he is doing with you and it doesn't sound like he wants to either. if there isn't anything to hide from his part he sure is doing a lousy job of letting you know.

 

don't let him treat you like that. never let a man expect you to do something he isn't willing to do himself.

 

there is obviously something he is hiding otherwise he would have no problems showing you or telling you about these "friends".