after one year I still can't let go

[ellen23]

Hi everyone,

 

this is my first post. It's nice to see that so many poeple help each other in this forum.

My problem: my bf broke up a year ago and i still can't let go

 

Even though I want to feel better I am scared of letting go and I think it is becoming a real problem now.

Is there anyone in this forum who heals that slow? I am desperate and open for any suggestions.

[Kalika]

How long were you two together? A lot of times it seems to me that an inability to let go is really (also) a fear of having to start over again with someone else and go through the relationship stuff all over again..

 

It's really possible, on the other hand, that you haven't met someone that you really would be good with just yet, and that if you did, you'd finally get over the ex.. just a thought, in case you were wondering why you weren't having any luck with the guys that have been coming along since the ex.

[ellen23]

Hi Kalika

 

Thank you for the quick response.

We have been together for two years and he broke up a year ago. since then we still hang out. I guess that is the problem.

I should have cut him off a long time ago but its so hard because i love him and in addition i became really close to his family. I do not have any family over here and that i why I attached myself too much to him. Now I have the feeling of being helpless. I made it even harder for me because i let one year go by without detaching myself and it feels just like yesterday that he broke up with me. right now I still love him so much that I just want to heal and not start a new relationship.

 

What about you Kalika? I assume you are here because of a break up.

How are you doing with your healing?

[Kalika]

Hey Ellen,

I understand how it would be easy to stay in love with him because he's still in the picture! But please listen carefully.. if you're hanging out with him, thinking about him, etc.. that means you're devoting your time/energies to him and if he doesn't feel the same way, you're depriving yourself of someone that could really care about you and want to be with you. If he's a good friend, I don't think you should cut off contact completely, but try limiting it in some ways so that you have some chances to meet other people.

 

Do you have friends in the area that you can go out with?

 

I have a boyfriend that I've only been seeing for a few months.. I may be ending it with him soon, depending on how things go (there's a whole thread about it under 'Dating'..).. He doesn't act as "interested" in the relationship as I want him to, in a nutshell. So that's my story.

[rosie76]

Hi ellen, welcome to ENA. I'm sorry you're feeling rotten - I was in a relationship with a guy for a few years and it took me well over a year to let go, so I know how hard this can feel. It's good that you've come on asking for help, though, and that you know you want to let go - it's a good sign you're not willing to just get stalled wanting him.

 

I kept being friends with my ex, too, except I couldn't really be a friend to him because I was still in love with him. I think you're right that you need to let go properly to get on with healing, but I understand that's really hard to do.

 

You say you don't have any family over here - are you in a foreign country or away from home for school? I was a year into being in the UK (I'm American) when I started seeing my ex, and most of my friends were friends with him first. One of the worst bits about the break-up for me was feeling I had no support of my own over here, and that avoiding him meant I had to avoid all of them.

 

It really was necessary to let go to get over it, though - otherwise I just kept hoping something would change for the better and, like you say, the pain of the breakup remained fresh since every day things didn't change.

 

The good news is that once I stopped being with him it did get better - maybe not for a while, but in the end it really did. The pain of missing spending time with him was much less than the pain of constantly remembering he didn't love me. I developed interests of my own and friendships of my own which reminded me how big the world was again. And eventually I just got over him. I really didn't start getting better until I let go, though - so it was a couple of years for me.

 

Good luck with sorting out what will help you and keep coming back here - you'll find plenty of support and folks in similar situations.

[ellen23]

Thanks kalika,

you are so right! Hopefully my rational thoughts will be stronger than my heart.

 

Good for you that you know what you want in your relationship. Do not stay with someone who is not there 100%.

Good Luck!

[Kalika]

Thanks Ellen ... but you do the same girl... don't stay with someone that isn't there 100%!!

[ellen23]

Hey Rosie,

 

I am from Germany and live in the united states now. I do not want to complain because it was my choice to come over here by myself. I feel exactly the same with what you said. He was my main support over here and now I have to lose it all so I can finally heal. he wants to be there for me but its not good for him or me to be close becsause he feels guilty when he sees me depressed and this just does no good for anyone. He already mentioned he feels worried and scared about me because I do not seem to heal. So I think it is really time to change but the pain kills...

I am happy that you made it. thanks for reading

[Midgi]

Hey I have been hooked on my ex for about 2 years now and we have not even been going out that long. I am still talking to him... and even though its a drag and emotionally drains me I continue... but maybe that book is the answer? I have not read it yet though but the articles sounds interesting.

[ellen23]

midgi,

 

i am sorry that you have the same problem. I do not know how much more it takes until i am finally tired of feeling that way.

good luck! let me know how things are going for you.