THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[honeyspur]

Whoa......

 

 

One question - is this the real mac?

 

 

[11everything2-1nothing]

Yes, I still want him back nonetheless. I semi sort of know the reason because he already attempted to give me closure, but he never answered why. I do love him with all my heart, and I am not letting go of hope just yet. Still rationalizing why its ok for me to call. I will be strong though and not call, I hope anyway.

[macgyver4ever]

Whoa......

 

 

One question - is this the real mac?

 

 

I sure hope so!!!!!!!!!!!

[thefarewellnote]

8 days now of not calling her/texting her/seeing her. Out of those days, today is the worse so far. I just want to call and make sure all is well. I feel so bad today. It has been 3 months since we broke up. I went this weekend for the first time since the breakup. Had a blast Friday night with some friends, Saturday I had a date...well was suppose to. In my 27 yrs I have never been stood up, and this girl from work did it..nothing from her, not even a phone call. And just when I was starting to feel better about everything.

[bear12]

day 27 of round two.. today is by far my worst as well. anyway, still gotta do those taxes so maybe that'll keep my mind off of things... like my dad always said (as a joke!), "if you bang your head against the wall hard enough you won't notice your other pain." ha! wow, i grew up in a weird family. maybe this is why i'm so screwed up!

[supercalifragilistic]

Day 7 of round two

 

I'm still thinking about him more than I'd like. Having these crazy urges of showing up as his house or talking to him online or checking his myspce. And I don't even really want to do that. It just pops in my head randomly.

 

Other than the obsessive thoughts I'm doing good, I don't cry anymore, don't get depressed anymore. I don't spend the whole day doing things thinking he'd call to meet up like I used to. I actually am looking forward to NOT answering the phone when he calls. Letting him call a couple of times with no success before I decide to talk to him. It would make me very happy to be able to do that. I'm sure he'd wonder why I didn't call back seeing as I have ALWAYS called him back imeadiately when I saw a missed call from him (and he does the same with me).

 

I'm still having a hard time with letting go of these bad feelings I'm having everytime I think of him or see something that reminds me of him. And an even harder time NOT thinking about him. But I'll just focus on the wonderful fact that I no longer feel depressed!

 

Hopefully tonight when I go out with my friends I'll be able to forget about him a little so I can write a happier update later

[candidate_0]

Nearing the end of Day 3 - She's just tried to ring me twice, and left a myspace comment earlier. Finding it really weird not replying but I'm doing fine she needs to know what its like, can't have her own way and I need to move on.

[thelonelydoll]

Ok, I'm closing in on the 30 days of the Challenge (27 days since last contact, but I checked his myspace 10 days ago) - and I just nearly blew it!! When I checked his myspace, AA was suddenly one of his "interests" and he had a 12-step quote as his headline. Just now, I almost emailed his brother to find out how his sobriety was working out for him. Thankfully, I discarded it and jumped right back on here.

 

There were positive things in the relationship, when he could stay sober, and I do think about the good times - I think in attempt to find some closure for myself, and to forgive myself for sticking with him despite one enormous RED FLAG (alcoholism). Since he wouldn't do AA when we were together, I must admit, I've been curious about how he's doing now. But contacting his brother would just get back to him, I realized - and if we can ever be friends in the future, I know he needs a solid year sober behind him. And I'll need a solid year to heal. But today was the day I nearly broke NC. I guess the moral of this story is that next time you feel tempted, DON'T DO IT - come here instead.

[boston23]

Day 2. ugh.

 

I'm getting annoyed at myself a bit. When I did NC before, I felt like I could hold my head up high and basically realize that by not contacting him I just looked better and stronger by doing that. This time I feel a little more torn about it. Basically by going to talk to him about the fact that I felt bad about how I treated him (and balling the whole time), I feel like I made myself look weak and pathetic and as if I'm totally not over him (which I'm not, but whatever).

 

I understand that if I were to go over there to talk to him about it again would make me look like I'm spending way too much time thinking about him and our whole situation. I really want to send him a short, understated email and say:

 

**hey, I realize that you don't want to talk to me right now...why don't you give my stuff to our friends, I'll pick it up later. Also, just wanted to know that you were right, I realize that I was protecting myself by not hanging out with you during the fall (and I'm not upset about it either). Basically, you lost my trust over the summer, and instead of addressing that situation, I just pretended that everything was fine between us. We should have either broken up at that point or we should have dealt with the problem; by staying together like we did, our relationship just suffered a long, slow death. **

 

Last time I was in this challenge there were a lot of things that I wanted to talk to him about in terms of closure, etc. This is actually more difficult for me. I feel like I've demeaned myself and I feel like I can't get a proper start on the challenge until i I feel like I'm on equal footing again. Any thoughts? I feel kind of stuck.

 

I know that if I ignore this issue, then in a couple of months when he invariable contacts me, everything will be fine and he won't think about it too much, but at the same time I'll still feel like I'll have to say, "by the way, you lost my trust, etc, etc" and then again I'll seem like I'm holding onto it all. Blach.

 

What do you guys think? Can I address the situation at all? Can I say anything? This feels like it will annoy me more and more rather than actually get any better by ignoring it.

[Fiery_di]

Day 7 for me yesterday. I deliberately went to my gym alot later than normal to avoid running into the ex. As it happens he was there also. I walked straight past him (unbeknownst to me as he was half hidden by a machine he was working out on) and he said in a loud voice just as I passed... 'Yeah, good thanks.' Obviously implying that I had ignored him, or trying to attract my attention... Either way, I turned to see where the voice was from, saw him on the machine, and very nicely said 'Hey Stu' and smiled at him and then went on my way to the locker room to change into my gym gear.

 

I am soooo very proud of myself as I would usually have hung around him like a puppy trying to draw conversation out of him about his weekend, work, etc. But I kept my resolve (and was very pleasant) and kept the contact to the absolute minimum.

[ExarionUniverse19]

I didn't post here yesterday... I was too tired, and I'd already posted about my day in another topic. Guess I'm doing double duty today again.

 

Day 15

 

I posted this in another topic, but here it is in the appropriate one... yesterday, I was waiting around for 15 minutes after school, for a good reason, nothing to do with her, but soon she did fall into the picture. I stuck around for an extra 5 minutes or so after I'd seen her parents' car, and then I left. And as I was walking away, I saw her! So I sprinted away, very angry at myself for having let myself see her! I could have avoided it. Fortunately, I got over it quickly.

 

Day 16

 

Ugh... in a continuation from yesterday, I'm starting to become less strict about NC. I'm wondering if that's a good or a bad thing. I'm feeling better every day, but my hopes and thoughts about next year and reconciliation are still there. So today, I saw her pass by my 2nd hour class very early... as if she was rushing to see me before I entered the classroom. Yeah, that wasn't a great thought, but fortunately I was in an optimistic mood today so it didn't hurt too much.

 

I made a decision of sorts today... that I'm going to let up on NC a bit. I'm still going to follow the rules, but I'm not going to avoid her at school anymore. It wasn't like I was running away from her before, but she was affecting my schedule just a bit. So now, I think I'm strong enough to see her again. And that won't mean seeing her every day, but probably at least once a week.

 

An interesting feeling regarding this decision... I still get pleasure from seeing her. Only now, it doesn't hurt. It's like when you have a crush on someone that you know doesn't like you. Does that hurt? It hasn't for me. Even though we broke up, it doesn't hurt that much anymore. Maybe I can still live with feelings for her, as long as I'm happy. And as long as I don't go out of my way to let those feelings show. So maybe when I do see her... it will brighten my day. It just won't consume it.

 

For those of you who read... is that OK? Is it OK for me to stray from NC a little bit if I feel like I'm ready to? I'm not quitting NC, because I'm still following the rules I set for myself, but it's not as strict. Anything wrong with it?

[boston23]

Exarion-I think not being so strict about NC is ok...you have to be careful about why you're doing it though, and I'm not sure if your reasons are very good ones yet. If you were walking an extra block before so you didn't have to see her, and now it doesn't feel so painful, then, yeah it sounds like you don't have to be so strict about NC. But the fact that you say "So maybe when I do see her...it will brighten my day" makes me think that you are setting yourself up to be hurt. It's one thing to have a crush, it's another thing to still have feelings for an ex. When I have a crush, I know that I tend to go out of my way to see that person, etc. You definitely don't want to be doing that.

 

I think for now, you should just keep doing waht you've been doing. You've been doing a good job with NC, keep up with the challenge and see how you are once the challenge is over; just don't rush into trying to change the NC into something that you want it to be.

 

Hope that helps

[Krisnakay]

I did it with no expectations...I didn't expect him to call by doing it..I did for myself only.I felt crappy after doing it but felt like it helped me move along easier.I didn't think I had left the door open to him,but now I do and can move on with no regrets.It depends on circumstances.

[groovy_girl]

Hi Dave how are u?i have just sent u an email, hope u dont mind I look forward to hearing off u.I have read thru ur posts and admire u emensly

[p_fred]

I've finally came to the conclusion that I must have needed more from my ex. Maybe she knew this and this is why she ended it. My partner should be supportive and it should be about "us". Maybe she has changed. I know I have. I am working on myself to learn to be better for my future. When I get married one day I want to have the right skills so my marriage will be strong and last forever.

 

I stopped wondering why she showed up the other week. I'm moving forward and will "go with the flow" I'm just going to let the future unfold. I feel now in the "its about me" stage. The thing I noticed was that I felt a very strange vibe when she showed up. I don't know why but it must mean something wasn't right - like two magnets of the same type when you push them together. I feel disappointed about the past but yet happy that I learned a lot about myself and I know I tried my best. That's all I can do.

[thelonelydoll]

It's 31 days since I've seen him, 28 days since the last (text) contact, 11 days since I looked at his myspace, and 10 days since he emailed me. I have mainly felt angry and bitter about the whole relationship. But today... well, today I have cried for the first time since the split. I'm not sure why tears came on all of a sudden - but I think the lack of real closure might actually be holding me back from my own healing.

[macgyver4ever]

Day 8

 

Yesterday was ok. I'm getting closer to accepting what has happened, which is good. Being angry has been good, but I am getting through it thanks to The Gipper. We were talking last night and here is the realization I have come to.

 

In my time here at ENA, I have been vilifying my ex, telling everyone how she cheated, and treated me wrong. The facts remain that she did, but can I blame her for the way she acted when I probably would have done the same in her situation? Let's say you are in a relationship with the person you think you want to spend the rest of your life with. They have never done anything wrong to you, treated you like gold, but someone else comes along that really seems like a better personality fit. My ex didn't really trust the other guy, so she took the time to spend time as friends to try to figure out if he was "playing" her or was sincere. I guess she came to the conclusion that he wasn't "playing" her, and that he was closer to a "soul mate" than I am,s o she left me for him.

 

She strung me along for two months after this, because she didn't trust her decision. It was the hardest 2 months of my life. I lost 20lbs.

 

She didn't want to hurt me, I know that. She was doing what she thought was best for her life, and I need to respect that.

 

This is where I am coming to acceptance, and can come to move on. This is hard to say, and it hurts like hell. I still think she got caught up in the feeling of "falling in love" and the excitement and lust that there might be, and gave up on something she knew would be great. Thing is, I am reading in the infidelity forum about all of these people are are in the same relationship we were in. Comfortable, happy, but there seemed to be something missing. When someone comes along adding that missing spark, one mate strays. They think they have found their soul mate.

 

Sorry for the long post. I hope it helps someone seeing how I am moving on.

 

 

Today I feel: Overwhelmed, Sad, Confident, Determined, and Excited.

[papalazarou]

Comfortable, happy, but there seemed to be something missing. When someone comes along adding that missing spark, one mate strays. They think they have found their soul mate.

 

 

And theres the rub. They want "excitement" and how long does it last one month? Two? Six months, a year? Two years?

 

They think they have found their soul mate. What they have done is find a cancer to trouble their existing relationship.

 

Mac, sorry but whatever happens you did not deserve what happened to you if she had any integrity she would have ended it with you. Had some time out single then gone with the other guy.

 

What she did sucks and no amount of dressing up can ever cover that up.

[bear12]

day 28 of round 2.. it's been a whole month since i broke NC last time. i was doing really well for a while but the last few days have been miserable.. .

 

i've been going over and over in my head of all the ways i wasn't that happy with him- of all the times he made me upset and didn't treat me the way i think i deserve to be treated...i some ways he wasn't a very good bf, but i still miss him like crazy. is something wrong with me? am i only attracted to jerks? do i confuse the highs and lows of an emotionally abusive relationship with love? not that he ever called me names or cheated on me or anything liek that, but he could be really cold and uncaring at times and wonderfully loving at others- like he had two personalities... how can i possibly MISS that??!!!!

[supercalifragilistic]

Day 8

 

I'm a little more irritable today. Still can't stop anticipating his call. Still thinking about him. Though I think there's been a little improvement since yesterday. I don't feel sad at all which is good.

 

I'm starting to feel like I would enjoy burning (or destroying some other way) every single thing he has ever given me. But I'm pretty sure I would regret it so I won't do it. Yet. Today I found a new thing that belongs to him that he left here. One more thing to add to the huge bonfire I'll be making with all his stuff if I ever get to the point of hating him.

 

I came very close to checking his myspace today (with his password no less since I deleted my account) but decided against it thankfully. I would have regreted that. I guess I just have to keep it real and realize that if he ws able to stay away for a week when our realationship was long distance and he loved me, now that we're not together, it's going to take more than 8 days for him to realize I REALLY will not be calling him or contacting in anyway and start to miss that. And, of course, there's always the possibility he won't miss it at all. I guess whatever happens, happens and it will all work out for the best. Maybe if I keep repeating that I'll eventually be brainwashed enough to just not obssess about my future with him.

[boston23]

Day 3... feeling fine today. I've been acting strangely though: getting up really really late and sleeping through class. It's annoying me, but when I'm in bed all I want to do is sleep for another 3 hours. Ugh...I'm not feeling particularly depressed or anything, just annoyed.

 

I'm feeling much better about the whole NC thing today. I was worried that I would have to go and talk to him and explain that I'm not actually that upset (pretty much proving that I am upset), and I've gotten through that a bunch of times. Really, to the point of walking to his apartment, dialing his number and not actually calling and then walking away...then walking back, etc etc. I figure that it might be a little pathetic that I keep doing that, but as long as I don't actually go through with contacting him, I'm proud of the fact that I put myself in that situation...and I still don't go through with it. (haha, and it would be really embarrassing if he actually saw me doing that...)

 

So this guy I met a couple of weeks ago has been asking me out. We were supposed to maybe get together tonight, but it's really gross out and rainy and I don't feel like leaving my apartment (and I'm feeling kind of shy too). The guy seems nice enough, I told him that I had gotten out of a serious relationship and wasn't really ready for much, and he said that that was fine, it's always nice to make new friends anyway. I feel like enough time has passed that I could actually go out with someone and not feel like I'm cheating on my ex. Yay.

 

I think part of the reason that I'm feeling good about the ex today is that I recognize that whatever we had wouldn't have worked out anyway. I want to get married and have kids and spend the rest of my life with one guy....and he's not at that place. Even if he gets married, it's ability to get over conflict is so bad that it will undoubtably end in divorce. At some point I think that he'll be one of my really close friends...who I happen to have slept with a whole bunch of times....and who I think is a complete dumb***, but still love. Also, I can see him maturing and in a couple of years realizing what he through away with me, and it's totally fine that he's not at that point. At least I'm starting to realize that I'm going to be better off this way. For now, I'm doing NC because it makes sense and will help me really really know that there are better guys out there for me; as much as I really wished he could have been the right guy for me, he wasn't.

 

wow, long post...again

[supercalifragilistic]

Mine was the same way. And I still love him, miss him (though not in a desperate way, just in the sense that I would like to be able to hang out with him and do the things we used to do) and I still want to be with him for some reason. Thing is I know I am to blame for letting the relationship get to this point. And I don't like that, everytime I spend time away from him I feel like I learned important things, and that I am a better person and that maybe now the relationship would work out. If only he wanted to be with me I wouldn't be so clingy, so jealous, so needy, so....I don't know...all the things I was. But maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe he gave me all the reasons to feel like that. I don't really know. All I know is I'm no good at waiting.

 

But you really inspire me to at least make it to 30 days. The hardest thing is that I refuse to call him, I don't even have his number on my cell (and don't have it memorized either), but I want him to call me. He was supposed to and it's starting to drive me nuts that he hasn't. It just doesn't make much sense. I don't know what I am going to do if by day #30 he hasn't called. I guess he's bound to at least miss his THINGS eventually. If not me, at least his things.

[bigthings46]

made it up to day 11 and cracked and sent a text saying "sorry for my actions, I let my emotions get the best of me. Hope one day we can reconcile on a new path". I have no strength, its back to day 1.

[misskitty]

DAY 2

 

about a month since the break up

 

Ok today is much better. I focused on myself yesterday, even though I didn't want to. My day started off very badly but ended good, with a nice meditation at one of my favorite places. I slept well too and no dreams that I can remember.

 

One thing that has come good of this, besides the fact I left an abusive partner, is I am regaining my old friendships and I have made new friends. I have never been out so much in 1 month in my life! I love it! I have been invited and attended to several things that are family oriented(i have kids) and I am loving it. It makes me sad/angry I let it get to that degree with him that I stopped trying to make palns, or when I did he didn't want to go anymore. I am realizing I lost myself and and my intrests in the realationship. I am realizing I am finding myself again, and at times its kind of scary.

[honeyspur]

It makes me sad/angry I let it get to that degree with him that I stopped trying to make palns, or when I did he didn't want to go anymore. I am realizing I lost myself and and my intrests in the realationship. I am realizing I am finding myself again, and at times its kind of scary.

 

 

this is beautifully said - congradulations on regaining yourself.