THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[GetMeBack]

Also, how long was you together?

[Steve 7745]

Well, dad was out of the house most of the time due to his work but he was there on the weekends and at night. Mom's attention was divided between me and several other kids she watched over. The effects of which made me quite introverted throughout highschool and half of college. I usually got good grades and played video games, letting my brother suck up all the attention. I only made a racket when I needed something.

 

Due to a relationship that ended poorly two years ago, I decided to try and improve myself. One of my focuses has been on improving my relationship with my parents, who have both encouraged this. In fact, I'm going to see them for the weekend tonight. This has significantly changed the dynamic I've had in my relationships as well- they last longer and are generally happier.

 

I do not deny that our relationship with our parents, the first example and archetype of many of our relationships, plays a significant role in who we are. By being conscious aware of our the relationship between our parents played out, we are better able to choose who we will be with the person we love. My dad knew this. His parents got divorced and he himself divorced his first wife. After this mistake, he worked at himself and made his second marriage with my mom work for 25 years, going on and going strong. The same is true of my mother- a troubled set of parents, divorced from first husband and come into this marriage with two daughters.

 

I do put stock in the fact that our parents set an example to follow. I also believe that it's up to us to realize the strengths and faults of such an arrangement and improve on what we've learned.

 

P.S. My ex and I were together for three months, so I'm fairly over it as it's been two months already. NC is a faster cure than anything else I've tried.

[GetMeBack]

I completely agree with you, I hope you didnt mind me asking about that. The reason I did because its very rare to find women who dont commit, its usually the other way round..

 

How long were you together?

[Steve 7745]

 

I completely agree with you, I hope you didnt mind me asking about that. The reason I did because its very rare to find women who dont commit, its usually the other way round..

 

How long were you together?

 

We were together for three months. Been apart for two. It's over and I accept that. NC has really helped.

 

The number of women who don't commit has definitely been on the rise the last few years. We're living in a generation where divorce was so common, 50% of all marriages were cut in half (I may add that most of these were marriages to very young people, and those that occur passed the age of 25 tend to last, like only a 33% divorce rate). Even if this percentage is dropping (which it is), the effects don't go away overnight. People grew up watching their parents fight, and cheat and hurt one another, and now we're struggling with the long term effects.

[GetMeBack]

We were together for three months. Been apart for two. It's over and I accept that. NC has really helped.

 

The number of women who don't commit has definitely been on the rise the last few years. We're living in a generation where divorce was so common, 50% of all marriages were cut in half (I may add that most of these were marriages to very young people, and those that occur passed the age of 25 tend to last, like only a 33% divorce rate). Even if this percentage is dropping (which it is), the effects don't go away overnight. People grew up watching their parents fight, and cheat and hurt one another, and now we're struggling with the long term effects.

 

When I said its rare to find women who dont want to commit I dont mean that we are living in an idyllic world where women dont cheat e.t.c

 

Mainly, as women we want to commit as we put LOVE way up there on our list of things to do. Women love to LOVE, its as simple as that.

 

However, your relationship only lasted a few months. I dont believe that coming off the pill caused her to not be attracted to you or maybe there is something I am missing there..

 

I mean, would you say your quite an intense person when you go into a relationship. All guns blazing, and wedding bell talk within a few weeks? Did you feel that after you spent time with her and you enjoyed your time together. She would pull away for a while, and that shocked you? Just a thought, as I did meet a guy once who was so intense it was draining on me. I have a post on here with an email he sent me. I think if you read it you will catch my drift! lol..

 

Women love men that want to commit to them, and I am trying to put myself in her shoes. If my world was ending today, and I had the biggest load on my shoulders I would not say NO to love unless something was just not right between the two of us..

 

I may be wrong but thats my two cents..

 

GetMeBack

[GetMeBack]

I will be back later guys!!!

 

GetMeBack

[Steve 7745]

.... Well... I don't want to go into details... but her periods were really bad. The reason she was on the pill in the first place was because the pain caused her to faint. I put some belief in that when she pulled back, I chased her, and became somewhat intense. There was NO talk of weddings or anything so far fetched.

 

The fact is, she couldn't give me a solid reason to end the relationship. At first it was "our personalities don't match". I called BS on this because we had been spending three months together and if you sincerely thought that, it wouldn't have even gotten this far. You can usually tell from the first few dates that someone's personality does not match yours, you don't want three months for THAT excuse.

 

Then she pointed out that she's leaving in two years for Chicago to get her PhD. I pointed out that if she and I were still together in two years, I think moving with her to Chicago would certainly be considered. She started another excuse and I just didn't even let her finish. The fact was, she wanted out. If someone doesn't want to be in a relationship, it's over.

 

As much as I'd like to sit here and speculate how and why it ended, I don't think I can draw any reasonable conclusions. It could all have been an excuse to hide the real reason. Or it could all have been true, a kind of laundry list of reasons why not. I don't know, nor do I truly care. I've spent as much time as I care too analyzing what I know and trying to draw up something solid, but the past is the past and nothing I can do will change it. Life is a lot easier when we can accept ignorance over the things that do not matter.

[StillSmiling]

He2ectic,

 

Just wanted to make the point on your "test"; So much depends on where a person's head is at at a specific point in life.

 

You could say I am a commitmentphobic right now, but I have also just come out of the crash and burn of the BU. And it was a total surprise. Intense stuff.

[Steve 7745]

He2ectic,

 

Just wanted to make the point on your "test"; So much depends on where a person's head is at at a specific point in life.

 

You could say I am a commitmentphobic right now, but I have also just come out of the crash and burn of the BU. And it was a total surprise. Intense stuff.

 

Then, don't take my test. No one's forcing you too and I'm not going to make anyone who doesn't want to take it.

[ccali78]

Day 2...

 

 

thinking about dating again. I need to move on... How could I have been so blind for so long. I just feel like noone will want to date me and it hurts like hell that he was dating her while still hooking up with me

[Steve 7745]

Day 2...

 

 

thinking about dating again. I need to move on... How could I have been so blind for so long. I just feel like noone will want to date me and it hurts like hell that he was dating her while still hooking up with me

 

Eh. Just put that picture on a dating site. I think you'll get plenty of guys willing to date you. Hell, I'd be cautious of any guy on THIS site who wants to "take you out to comfort you."

 

The joy of being a woman is that it's the men who usually have to do the chasing. You just get to do the choosing.

[StillSmiling]

Day 32

 

Well, I made it through the Street Fair without sight of him. Met some fun people and hung with others that I already knew. Was told a number of times that "that guy was weird" and "I don't worry about you, you're going to be fine". "You look great". Words that were good to hear.

 

All and all was good to get back out there. And the last time I was there, on that exact street in the same spots, was to watch his band play last Spring. Was a bit of an ouch, but I'm glad I went and faced another one of our old haunts. *sigh*

 

Funny, driving away I started to cry again. First time really in days. Not sure if it was the relief of NOT running into him (I was SO stressed that I would), or a touch of saddest and disappointment that I didn't. I fear it was the later, and not sure why.

 

Crazy how I still wish I could see him, be his friend and yet am so terrified by the thought of it. I KNOW what it would do in this point of my healing ...

 

Had a long, wonderful conversation later in the evening with a buddy from here. Funny, as I explain things to him, they continue to get clearer and clearer in my head. I understand more now, and accept more now on how so very fast he did move and how unhealthy or needy that was of him. That I was not the crazy one for trying to slow things down. Perhaps I did not do the "slowing down" the right way, but my intuition was talking and I did the right thing in the long run.

 

So clear now how desperate he is/was to "fill that hole" in his heart. He said and did everything so perfectly, how could I not fall into the trap? And I call it a trap because the speed things were moving was just not actions from a healthy, balanced person. You don't make comments about moving into a person's house without having a conversation about it. Perhaps, as it was said, he was testing the waters. But all too soon ... so I shut it down right out of the shoot. Slammed that door so hard and fast, not realizing how deeply I had wounded him. Lesson learned.

 

Today feels better. When I think back to 3 months ago when he walked out, I can't believe how far I have come. And when I first started NC, how HARD it was, and how much easier it is now. I'm far from out of the woods, but I am no longer that insane person that I had become.

 

I'm not reading his "stuff" anymore. NOTE TO THE GAL WITH FACEBOOK: DON'T DO IT. I no longer jump when the phone rings or look for an email from him. He is gone. And thankfully, without ever having the NC talk, he has backed out of my life and gone quiet. Funny, last time we talked, we both said "call me sometime". Yet, I think he was waiting for me to call. When I didn't/ haven't, I think he believes I have moved on with another.

 

Also got some clarity about online dating last night in that conversation. Just talking about it made me see some new things, or old things I already knew but had forgotten.

 

I believe a good, solid relationship begins with a friendship. It is a dance you will have with another person in your life, be it friend or lover. There is a slow buildup of getting to know each other and discovering if there is any interest beyond friends. There is learning one another's values long before any romance begins. There is no pressure to learn about past relationships, future hopes and dreams, did they come from a stable family or not, etc.

 

Online dating throws you right into the pit, and you lose that first part of the dance. The "interviews" begin and you are both fully aware why you are even meeting in the first place: to find romance.

 

Besides all of the dishonesty that comes with much online dating, I'm not certain that even with an honest person, it is the best way to start a relationship. They are shopping, you are shopping. We become like toys to each other to buy from a catalog. Been there, done that, own the T-shirt.

 

I want to go back to the slow, thoughtful dance. Lesson learned.

[thatdoggirl]

DAY 9

 

What the...? I'm already just about a 1/3 of the way through. WOW! Hopefully the other 2/3's get easier.

 

Last night I ended up not going to the club but I went to the movies and stake'n'shake with that guy. I still don't like him any more then a friend and I feel terrible because he thought it was a date and paid for everything. I'll just really have to stress the fact that I'm not looking for a relationship and just want to be his friend. I still feel bad though because he thinks otherwise but I guess that is also something I cannot control.

 

Before I went to sleep last night I once again missed being held by my ex but I was so tired that I feel asleep easily. I was so I had some really crazy dreams last night. LOL. They were sex dreams and they were the rare kind that didn't involve my ex. Haha.

 

I'm really just starting my day so there isn't much to write about. I'm feeling okay. Now I just gotta figure out what I'm going to do today.

[StillSmiling]

Day 2...

 

 

thinking about dating again. I need to move on... How could I have been so blind for so long. I just feel like noone will want to date me and it hurts like hell that he was dating her while still hooking up with me

 

 

Too soon for anything serious. But it does help with the self-esteem thing.

 

A very pretty gal, but be very, very careful at this point.

 

I made this mistake and it was awful. Hang more with other gals right now and that feels better.

 

Hugs

[ccali78]

Thanks stillsmiling

[GetMeBack]

Hi Ccali

 

You sure as hell will find someone that will want to date you..

 

I would take your time though, your a very preety lady and men will be beating down your door if you put an ad up on a dating site, with that picture attached..

 

If your feeling vulnerable right now, I would leave it a little while as it can be soul destroying going on date after date and not getting call backs, or you finding that your not compatible e.t.c. Or even worse attracting men that prey on women who are vulnerable. Sometimes all of that can just make you miss the ex even more; idealising what you had when really its just not the right time for you to start dating..

 

Its better to be in a stronger mental place before you have to deal with all that. Believe me, I made the mistake of dating too soon, and it affected me a lot.

 

Its awful your ex was still seeing you while dating someone else, but what goes round DOES come round.

 

It was very selfish of him, and when you come out of this you will realise this and see how much of a better person you are then he was..

 

When you start feeling better about yourself, you will realise that he is her problem now, thank the lord!!

 

 

GetMebACK

[GetMeBack]

WELL DONE ON DAY 32 STILLSMILING

 

I DONT KNOW YOUR FULL STORY BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR COMING ON HEAPS AND BOUNDS WITH YOUR HEALING...

 

I AGREE WITH YOU COMPLETELY ON THE ONLINE DATING FRONT...

 

IN THE PAST IT HAS definitely INCREASED SELF ESTEEM BUT IT HAS ALSO DECREASED IT TOO...

 

GetMeBack

[lkonohalanbu]

went out last night, had lots to drink, i don't like the fact i was comparing every girl to her, it's not right for me to judge or to compare

 

i feel kind of miserable because i do not like going up to random girls to dance, i feel awkward, i remember the times when she was around and i had somebody to dance with

 

girls come up to me, but i don't feel attracted to any of them

 

=/

[PrettyGood]

Hello,

 

Maybe my story will ressurect this topic, but I'm new here and want to take part in it. I saw that this folder named "Getting back together" and this topic was inside, so I want to tell you additional game rules I want to do...

 

My story is that I left my biggest love, I had relationships for 2 years. The cause was that he didn't want to live with me together. He told me that I'm too often angry on him to do it. I didn't agree and gave him a week to think again. But after week he didn't told me anything new, but: "I really love you, but don't want to live with you. We need to solve our arguments first. And I don't want you leave me". Sure, I left him and was very sorry after all.

 

Well after some days he came to visit me to take some his things from me and found me drinking with his friend. He thought the worst and left us alone. He was very angry, but didn't told me anything, but: "I came here to change my minds, but I found you two. How should I believe you now that you didn't do anything more than that?!". I cried a lot for it.

 

A month passed and I still have a bleeding heart. I changed my minds. I wished to him back, because he was still contacting me. He told me through internet chat: "I need a person which I still love to be next to me. And that person is you". I felt happy. And then I told him the same feelings. I suggested to return to me. He promised to think about it for 1 week.

 

The next day he drove next to the place I live. I knew it and asked that his friend to go and tell him the truth. That friend denied him that we had something serious. But my ex boyfriend told him: "Now it doesn't matter anymore". He was very angry on me that friend came to talk to him as 3rd person.

 

Today is the 5th day of the week he told me to think. But everyday he repeated me day by day: "Don't rush me, I need time, so I can't still meet you, because I love you and don't know, if I can trust you anymore. I don't know if I want this friendship reload. This weekend is still not ended." This evening is hard for me. You know how hard is to spend a Friday night alone, when friends doesn't have a time for me today, and he is not writing me anymore. Till today he became more angry as before and I don't know why. I asked him yesterday: "Have you a new partner, because you wasn't in doubt before? Maybe you are also thinking for her?". But he denied that he has anyone. Also he told that the month he passed without me is too short that he could believe my longing for him.

 

Everyday and every evening I'm thinking about it and worrying too many times. And I can't stop. It made me depressed person which can't even sleep at night without nerves and nightmares. I'm worrying for his decision. I'm going crazy, because I'm jealous person, but try not to show him. I don't know where he's every evening, just sometimes know that he goes to have fun with his friends, maybe girls too. So I thought I will join here to ease my inner pain. I WILL TRY - not to connect him myself, even if it's too hard to do for me morally. I want to return him back so much! So I thought about the situation and I think that my actions can be helpless and worthless to try. Not to connect him for 1 week if I can at least, up to 1 month.

 

If he try to find me, I'll let him, but only then, when he really show that he needs me again

[ccali78]

Thanks getmeback. Day 2 is proving to be hard. I want to know why he did this to me and he is going through this AA process and said he will make amends someday. So apparently someday I will know.

[GetMeBack]

So he had an alcoholic problem cali...?

 

 

How long were you together if you dont mind me asking and what was his reasons for the break up?

 

GetMeBack

 

x

[GetMeBack]

Hi Newdilemma,

 

Quite a story...I dont understand the game your ex is playing at the moment.

 

Does he fully know that you and his friend was just an innocent thing? You also mentioned that his friend backed you up on that, so I dont understand his problem..

 

Looking for excuse maybe? Commitment phobe maybe?

 

I say to quite a few people on this site, if someone is prepared to risk losing you, do not let them live rent free in your heart..

 

You say he wants more time, how much more? Dont let the "sweet nothings" or " i love you's " fool you. I had all of that, and he still didnt want me back. If he truly loved you, he wouldnt need one minute to decide whether he wants you back or not...

 

 

Dont make him turn this round onto you feeling guilty about how he feels about this apparent innocent situation. The start of the problem was him not wanting to progess to the next level. i.e moving in..i.e more commitment from him..

 

Dont lose sight of that and dont lose yourself in manipulative mind games. This could be a ploy to see just how much you really want him....even if you choose to participate in this dangerous game it will backfire on him in the long run..resentment is the quickest way to kill any relationship.

 

 

GetMeBack

[StillSmiling]

 

WELL DONE ON DAY 32 STILLSMILING

 

I DONT KNOW YOUR FULL STORY BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR COMING ON HEAPS AND BOUNDS WITH YOUR HEALING...

 

I AGREE WITH YOU COMPLETELY ON THE ONLINE DATING FRONT...

 

IN THE PAST IT HAS definitely INCREASED SELF ESTEEM BUT IT HAS ALSO DECREASED IT TOO...

 

GetMeBack

 

Thanks, some days are better than others. But I WILL heal from this. =)

[StillSmiling]

Thanks getmeback. Day 2 is proving to be hard. I want to know why he did this to me and he is going through this AA process and said he will make amends someday. So apparently someday I will know.

 

 

OH GF! If he is ready to make a recovery from the booze, stand back and let him do it.

 

I am assuming it is the AA we think it is?

 

Hang tight. You will make it and kudos for him if he broke it off knowing he has issues to deal with.

[Johnathan]

still depressed...it's really not getting better at all.