Why am I tolerating this????

[tuscan_sun]

Hello, this is my first post here.

I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years to a man who I believed to be my soul-mate.

In the past 3 years this man has shown extreme jealously towards me and my work. I am quite successful with 3 boys from a previous marriage, I have a great sense of humor, I am very intelligent (other than the obvious) and (humbly) very attractive. My partner lost his business at the time that we met and clearly his self esteem had suffered as a result. I helped him financially for 2 years before he landed a fabulous position in a large corporation and even bought a vehicle for him to use. In the first 6 months of our relationship we “experimented” with another couple and decided immediately that this was not the “lifestyle” for us. I was and am still against swinging (I believe it is damaging to the relationship) although my partner has relentlessly wants to pursue this type of activity (which is very upsetting to me).

Last year “D” went out without me and came home at 4 a.m. boasting that he had a “gay encounter” – I was furious. “D” claims to this day that I am responsible for this incident -?- This past yearI caught D at a sleazy strip joint enjoying a full naked lap dance, I have not been able to get that vision out of head (he claims he was stoned and was feeling low)… Last month D accepted an invite from a woman he met while working out town, he met with her and another couple (with out my knowledge)– he called this “making” new friends, I called it “double dating”. Ironically D has treated me like a lying cheating for the past three years, but I have been absolutely honest and faithful, it has been him that has been dishonest There has been many, many other incidents but I leave it at that. A few months ago D was angry with me (he was trying to get me to admit to having an affair - ?-) and he ended up hitting me accross the head so hard that my hearing was damaged for weeks. I got the “I’m sorry” it will never happen again, and I believed it. On New Years eve D drank excessively and after we arrived home we went to bed, “D” started rambling on about sex and mentioned that he really like his x’s (he is always bringing up his ex.’s although not always in a sexual way) – I was appalled by this statement and left the room , he followed me to the office and proceeded to beat on me. For New Years day I awoke with a very badly bruised eye and face, badly bruised ribs, and hands. D cried and cried and told me how he loves me (as he does excessively) and swears he will make things better and not ever do this again.

My oldest son has witnessed these attacks and is very obviously upset – I feel like a horrible parent. D contacted a councilor 2 months ago (this was the only way I would stay in the relationship with him) and he has been twice (whoopee).

I believe I am hanging onto the rare moments that are wonderful and I keep hoping that D will stop this insanity. I have asked him leave on several occasions however he seems to be able to convince me that things are going to be ‘different” and that he needs one more chance to prove himself. D claims that his drinking is part of the problem however he has almost polished off a bottle of cognac since new years eve. D admits that he has the problems (and not me) however I do have a major problem…. I can’t seem to force him to leave. I am in pain mentally and physically and I feel no hope for this relationship – he has made too many promises and all the “love” he professes does not feel like the love I deserve. I am too embarrassed to talk to family or friend with this horrible black eye, I feel like such a loser, although I know I am not, I fully realize that he is very wrong.

Your thoughts are welcomed.

J.

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone. I am sorry you are going through this.

 

I think you should seek advice from a shelter for abused women - they will be able to help you sort through what needs to be done in order to safely leave this man.

 

Do it first thing tomorrow.

[avman]

Oh my. I'm very sorry to hear about this.

 

Do not feel like a bad parent. You aren't the one creating the problems. Your significant other is doing it. But it is also going to affect the children and you and they must be protected.

 

I too recommend getting advice from a shelter. They have free counseling available, legal advice, and a safe place to go if you need it. They will help you examine your options and make the best decision you can.

 

You are NOT a loser.

[Chante]

In the past 3 years this man has shown extreme jealously towards me and my work. I am quite successful with 3 boys from a previous marriage, I have a great sense of humor, I am very intelligent (other than the obvious) and (humbly) very attractive. My partner lost his business at the time that we met and clearly his self esteem had suffered as a result. I helped him financially for 2 years before he landed a fabulous position in a large corporation and even bought a vehicle for him to use. In the first 6 months of our relationship we “experimented” with another couple and decided immediately that this was not the “lifestyle” for us.

 

Aww sorry Hun. Do you want to talk it out with him and see if he still feels the same way because maybe you just need counseling sometimes experimenting with other couples is not so good because that Couple may not be as happy as you are.

[Juliana]

I believe you are living with a narcissist. Narcissism doesn't make one a bad person, necessarily, but if he is someone whose morality is weak, narcissism will make him a monster.

 

The key things you say that indicate this to me are:

 

* you talk about being intelligent and successful. Big draw for a narcissist, because initially they will be very thrilled to be in your company; only later, they feel that you have disappointed them by not somehow giving the magic of your self-confidence to them, so they become envious, resentful and bitter. This justifies their abuse in their eyes. If I am right, you will know it because the early days of your relationship will have been almost like Eden; now you see that kind of tenderness only when he is attempting to stop you from leaving.

 

* he is eager to impress others and cannot confine himself to a strictly monogamous relationship. He may have impaired understanding of what constitutes cheating behaviour, and may resent being told to stop going to strip clubs, stop sleeping with other people, as to him, these are necessary activities that have no bearing on his need for you; as you would see eating, he sees deriving attention from other people.

 

* any bad behaviours or failures on his part will be quickly cast off onto you; either you have the same or worse failures or you are responsible for "forcing him" to them.

 

* it is always more dangerous to be around him when he is drinking, as it seems to magnify the above and leave you vulnerable to being attacked physically for what he imagines you're doing.

 

* typically narcissists will enter counselling only when forced to by a spouse. Generally they attend counselling only until it becomes uncomfortable for them, and then they leave.

 

* leaving a narcissist is very, very dangerous. They stalk. They become violent. Narcissists believe that any pain that comes of being left is entirely the fault of the other person, and that they should be punished to be made to conform to the narcissists needs. The best thing to do is to agree with him: Yes, you are hopelessly flawed. Yes, the other women are wonderful. He would be much better off with one of them, who can truly appreciate the fantastic creature he is. Once he has another woman in place in his life, he will be able to let you go. Bear in mind, however, that it is unusual for a narcissist to completely let go of any person he has ever had in his life who shows any ability to boost his ego, either directly or through association. You must always present yourself as someone incapable of doing either.

 

If love is hoping for the best for the other person, unselfishly, narcissists are hamstrung in their ability to do this. They can love, but frequently, cannot step outside the confines of their narcissism to express it. You are not going to find fulfillment in this relationship, if he is in fact narcissistic, but will most likely be driven insane yourself. As well, your sons are learning to behave like him, the man in their lives. Consider what you want.

[tuscan_sun]

You are brilliant.

I have been doing some research and he is text-book narcissist.

thank you....

[Juliana]

Yes, I am brilliant.

 

(Just a little narcissistic myself -- oh, well, everyone is...)

 

His narcissism is an illness. His character is his choice. Bear that in mind, if you get any ideas about trying to help him. I think with personality disorders, all the help has to come from within the person, unfortunately.