he does'nt show love

[seahorse79]

ok, i feel like my fiance does not feel the same way i do about him. I feel stupid and silly for thinking this, but its the truth. I love him, and i know he loves me because he moved here all the way from california, which i'm very grateful for. The thing is, sometimes i wonder about him. I feel he ignores me a lot. Its not like we see each other all the time, we dont live together, i have school and work and he has work.

 

A few days ago, we hadn't seen each other all day, so i went to his place and thought we could watch tv for a while and maybe have some alone time. When it came time for that "alone time", he just flipped on his laptop. Needless to say, i left lol. It made me sad how he makes me feel like this a lot. I feel like there could always be something better to do, than be with me. It makes me mad how he's kinda thoughtless too. Please dont think i'm a complainer, i'm far from it, its just that after almost 4 years in a relationship a person can only take so many repetitive things that hurt.

 

For christmas, i got him many thoughtful gifts. i put a lot of thought, time, and money into these things. I got him things like, his favorite football team things (a book, dvd), a firefighting calendar (he is going to be one someday and likes these kinds of things) and well, you get the idea. I gave him things from my heart and he liked the gifts, but kinda looked like he didn't care again...lol. The gift he gave me, was not so thoughtful. I showed him i appreciate it, and i do, but it looked like a 10 minute gift that he just wrapped up and didn't even know what it was.

 

Well, basically i wish my fiance cared more, or at least expressed more. I have to initiate everything almost, kissing, hugging, holding, anything. i cant' remember the amount of times he's said "i love you" without me having to say it first. It hurts me a lot and i dont feel like he's falling out of love with me (due to the fact he has moved all the way here just for me) but i just can't feel the love from him anymore. i dont know what to do.

[HeckaBekah]

Wow. You'd think he'd be a little more excited to be your fiancee (to say the least!). Maybe you should seriously re-think exchanging vows with this guy.

 

If this is the case now, how will it be once you two are married?! It seems as though he is getting a little too comfortable in the current situation.

 

Don't ignore your gut feeling on this one.

 

I suggest you tell him exactly how you feel and see what his reaction is...

[Agathon]

Um, I can almost understand him. Not quite.

 

I myself admit I have been 'bored' or 'comfortable' with my relationship, but I notice it myself and I do everything in my power to fix it. My relationship isn't unhealthy, it's just complicated... like yours surely is.

 

 

I give this advice to almost everyone. TALK TO HIM.

 

Yeah, simple, harsh, and coming from a 17 year old. Who the hell am I?

 

If your uncomfortable with that, maybe manipulate your time into seeing him more often. If your not communicating, then it's bad for both of you.

 

Sadly enough, he may not even realize he's doing it. He might just believe since your engaged he can jump the gun into the stereotype many marriages fall in to.

 

That's the only thing I can suggest without being offensive and questioning his love for you. I don't know him.

 

Maybe just bring up a little thing or two. Ease him into what your situation is?

 

If none of this sounds reasonable or practical, PLEASE listen to someone else.

[Kaia]

I agree with Agathon. You need to talk to him about this. He might not realize that you're getting hurt by things that he does/ doesn't do.

 

Sometimes I feel the same way with my boyfriend, and I automatically assume that he just doesn't care or doesn't bother to put in the effort to make me happy. It takes me a while to talk to him about this type of issues because I don't want to sound like a whiner or someone that needs to be pampered all the time. But when I eventually talk to him about it, I find out most of the times he just doesn't know what I want. No one is a mind-reader so you need to let him know how you feel. At least you'll find out why he does certain things.

 

As for gifts, if you have something in mind, maybe you should tell him what you'd like to get explicitly.

[meechigan]

Some counselors talk about different "languages of love."

 

Basically, where some people express love by way of "gifts" or "physical intimacy," others may only understand love expressed as "quality time" or "affirmations."

 

Communicate to him the importance of hearing "I love you" from him before you even say it. Maybe he needs some guidance from you.

[onemorecupdylan]

I'm having similar difficulties. I need human contact. Is that wrong? I'm beginning to just think that certain people need more affection than others... I guess I need someone who is willing to be affectionate, otherwise I'm not secure. Maybe, you should think twice about marrying him because it's never going to get better. Probably worse....

[xmrth]

Some counselors talk about different "languages of love."

 

Basically, where some people express love by way of "gifts" or "physical intimacy," others may only understand love expressed as "quality time" or "affirmations."

 

Communicate to him the importance of hearing "I love you" from him before you even say it. Maybe he needs some guidance from you.

 

I completely agree. I've been in the same situation-- my boyfriend undoubtedly cared, but he stopped holding doors for me, and stopped showing any kind of affection all on his own.

It was a mixture of his own ways of showing he cares, which I now realize and no longer take for granted, along with gently explaining how he shows a lack of interest which eventually lead to him doing a lot of those little things that shows he cares.

 

I think first what you have to is talk to him-- you may be surprised at how much he thinks he's doing a great job already. And then, you need to let him know how happy it makes you feel when he tells you he loves you first, or this, or that, or anything. He doesn't need to be told to do something-- he needs to understand how happy it makes you and how much it means to you for him to do those little things.

 

Definitely do that and see how it goes.