New (ish) Relationship. Identity Dilemma. Chequered Past. Please Help with Advice...

[t0rnintwo]

This is my first time of posting on any talkboard but i have checked this site before and the advice given is usually good so i have decided to try it out.

 

I have a dilemma on my hands and don't know what to do.

I have been going out with this girl for 3 months now,

we first met when i was working at a previous job.

I really really love her and i think she feels the same about me.

I feel she's the one, we get along well her parents and her family's fantastic.

Thing is i've got a chequered past.

When i was working in my previous job, my identity was well not suspect, but because i could not legally work at

the time i assumed a false identity. I have subsequently conveniently married, divorced and all my documents arein correct order.

Thing is because i met her at my previous job she assumes i'm who i'm not.

It's not something you tell someone on the first date, also i didn't know this would get this serious.

 

One more thing. Her parents like me now, but they're also pretty conservative. If they new about my past, the relationship is a non-starter.

I can't live with this though, it's burning me up inside.

 

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Do i :

 

-Bite the bullet and tell her the truth.

-Break up now without telling her- like giving her some other reasons why i cannot go out with her.

I'll feel i have lost 'the one' but i don't want to cause any unecessary aggro between her and her parents in the future.

-Send her a link to this page, don't really know what this might achieve, but maybe it's partly because i dread telling her face to face.

 

 

Please Help. Any advice is welcome.

[anna_may33]

Bite the bullet and tell her!!!

 

Think about it, if it is causing you this worry and stress now, how will you feel if you keep the secret? If she feels about you the way you say then it is likely she will learn to accept it. She will appreciate you telling her the truth now rather than finding out later. Obviously, if you choose to tell her, she will be very shocked and you will need to give her time to get to grips with it. But, this is in you past, reassure her of that. As for her parents, I think you owe it to her to decide what's best. At least give her the choice rather than just dumping her. If it was something like cheating, I could somewhat understand you not telling her if you were 100% positive it wasn't going to happen again and that you knew it wasn't going to be found out because it would do no good only hurt her. But this with the identity, your past could come up and bite you. Paper trails, family, friends. Can you avoid all of this?

 

I've learned my lesson. I covered up a lot of my past and lied to my husband because I was ashamed of it. He is a clever man and I'm a bad liar with a guilty conscience. He worked all of it out and could see through my lies. I had to tell him. He was more upset that I felt he would not accept me than by my lying.

 

Your identity is not who you are with her. The only thing is the marriage. Handle that carefully. I would say that will be the biggest shock. Good luck whatever you decide.

[Batya33]

She deserves the truth delivered face to face and she is entitled to whatever reaction she has. You need to convince her what a terrible mistake you made in lying then, in lying to her and how it is that she should believe that you would never lie to her (other than white lies) again. You also should convince her why you know that you need to be a law-abiding person from now on.

[t0rnintwo]

Thanks Guys.

 

I think i will do it and bite the bullet. But as the first thread reply said, it probably will come as a huge shock. Do i do it all in one or bit by bit? I feel the identity thing is not an issue per-se, my name details are almost exactly the same. It's the marriage thing. Eventually i will have to fess up, i cannot live with this on my mind. We meet again on the weekend, so then will be the time to do it. She loves me dearly, they are a close kit family and she will probably tell her parents and siblings pretty much straightaway,her parents will probably never forgive me and her staying with me will be untenable as a result. It's no use me prophesizing of what will be. I just think this is that one relationship you feel where you've found the one. I have previously only ever loved once in my life but this is different. Bugger, damned if i do, dammed if i don't. It's not the kind of topic you bring up on the first date is it? Hence the reason for waiting this long. Thanks for the advice guys. Really appreciate it. Any more slants/insights on the best way to break the news will be very welcome.

[sparkle1]

Why would you break up with her over this????

 

This is something you done at the time, which i am presuming you now regret.

 

I am presuming she is a adult, and holding a 'adult relationship' thereforeeee, as a adult she should be able to accept that you have a past, and in that past will be mistakes, which make us who we are today.

 

There is no reason for her parents to ever know. Frankly, somethings are much better kept secret from people.

 

If you love her - and she loves you, i don't see this changing anything. The bigger the deal you make of it - the more likely she will be to see a big thing. Play it down, explain your reasons, and explain why you wanted to tell her.

 

Her response i would imagine, will surprise you.

 

If you were hiding a criminal past or something - then i'd say you're concern would be much more founded. I personallly wouldn't be put of if this had happened to my b/f - and i would be glad he confided in me.

 

Good luck

 

Sparkle xx

[Batya33]

If someone lied to me about his marital status and had committed identity fraud I likely would not be comfortable continuing to see him because our values would no longer be compatible and I would feel that I could not trust him because of the lies about his marital status.

[sparkle1]

If someone lied to me about his marital status and had committed identity fraud I likely would not be comfortable continuing to see him because our values would no longer be compatible and I would feel that I could not trust him because of the lies about his marital status.

 

 

Hang on...

 

WHo said he'd also lied about maritial status?

 

I am saying Betya...we all have pasts. Some worse then others. There are far more crimes out there worthy of 'dumping' a loved one...and IMO this is not one of them.

 

He committed identity fraud a long time ago. And now everything is up to date and ticketty boom.

 

Holding someones mistakes against them forever and a day, would be a very cruel thing to do IMO

[t0rnintwo]

Guys, Thanks so much for the confidence you have given me.

 

Sparkle thanks so much for that last post. I'll do it on the weekend and i'll play it down, wouldn't make a big deal out of it. True, her parents don't have to know- well not unless if we happen to get married someday and they discovered my past. In all honesty my 'marriage' was just to get residential purposes, so it wasn't a thing of the heart. Reason i was so scared/sckeptical was because ahshe has pretty much lived a sheltered life all her life and my story would just come accross as outright dodgy. I will play it down but will tell her on Sunday. I would have done it on Saturday, but she has a driving test. I don't want any bad outcome from that especially if she has other things on her mind... And she's 26 by the way so old enough (ish), but apparently not so worldwise... People surprise you anyway, so i'll just cross my fingers, tell my story, downplay it and hope for the best...

 

Cheers People. You inspire.

[t0rnintwo]

I never lied about my status. It was not an issue. When we were working together was the time i was getting 'married' to stay in the country. It was through a friend, now my ex and it was a convenient arragement. There was an exchange so i didn't see it as the marriage of the heart per-se. Anyway, it has happened. I will explain what happened and will downplay it. Obviously i wouldn't expect her to trust me easily, but with that kind of situation, you cannot confide in someone till you get to know them. It takes time to know someone, hence i'm in a position where i am now. I don't have a criminal past and have never done anything remotely dodgy. Doing things like getting the wrong ticket for train scares the heck out of me. What i did was a measure for the time. What i've realised from this is there are broadly 2 schools of thought- people either understand or don't. Kind of like marmite. Sometimes when you're in an adverse situation you do things you wouldn't normally do...

[Batya33]

Hang on...

 

WHo said he'd also lied about maritial status?

 

I am saying Betya...we all have pasts. Some worse then others. There are far more crimes out there worthy of 'dumping' a loved one...and IMO this is not one of them.

 

He committed identity fraud a long time ago. And now everything is up to date and ticketty boom.

 

Holding someones mistakes against them forever and a day, would be a very cruel thing to do IMO

 

That is your opinion and I am not judging your value and standards as you are judging mine. I only date for the purpose of seeing if someone would be suitable for marriage and family. I expect someone who is dating me with the intention of a serious relationship - who claims to love me - to be honest about his marital status and other material things - his age, his education level, etc. If I found out he had lied about his marital status - whether it was a marriage of convenience or otherwise, I would feel betrayed and likely would end the relationship - it would shake my trust in him too much particularly at that early stage.

 

As far as the identity fraud I would have to know how long ago it was, what his thoughts and beliefs were on what he had done, and why he had not told me before given how serious his intentions were towards me. It is a crime - a white collar crime, but a crime nonetheless and I would have to decide whether I could deal with that level of criminal activity as well as his failure to tell me about that and the marriage. I would wonder what else he was hiding and whether he would feel comfortable repeating that behavior in the future and/or raising children to believe that it was ok to commit identity fraud.

 

On the merits, I'm not so sure (as a taxpayer) that I'm comfortable with someone taking a job by lying about his identity. Everyone draws lines in the sand including about past behavior - I probably wouldn't date someone who had used illegal drugs last year either, who had embezzled money in the past, etc. Obviously I would need to know more facts and circumstances but lying about material things like identity and marital status ranks high up there in the land of dealbreakers for me. If it doesn't for you, I won't judge you for being comfortable in a relationship with someone with those values and standards - in return, please do not judge me for my personal decisions about who I choose to be involved with romantically and potentially for marriage and family.

[t0rnintwo]

Thanks for the advice guys, i'll keep you posted. If this is relevant at all (and this goes out to the oh-so-holier than thou- Battya take note), through the while i was previously working, i earned quite a bit, paid taxes at the higher rate and any national insurance contributions i made at the time i had to forfeit when i regularised my status.

[Batya33]

Actually, no, not a holier than thou attitude I just would not choose to be in a serious romantic relationship with someone (and I do not date casually) who defrauded the government or an employer and who hid his marital status from me after we started dating (or even before, if I asked him what his status was).

 

I am sure you draw lines too as to who you would be involved with in a romantic relationship and would also not appreciate being judged as "holier than thou." We all have our standards and values - you thought it was ok to lie to your serious girlfriend about your marital status and your crime, and I disagree that it was ok to lie or ok to commit that crime (or to lie to her - if you did, that is unclear) about your true identity.

 

I feel entitled to trust that the person I am dating is at minimum, literally the person he presents himself to be - and that includes age, marital status, educational status, whether he has children. I am not clear about whether she was aware of your "real" identity or whether all you hid from her was the crime. If the former, that for me would be a huge problem in the same category of I am entitled to believe that who you tell me you are - the factual details - is who you are.

Since I don't lie about those (basic) facts, or commit crimes I feel entitled to have someone in my life with compatible values.

 

I am not saying you are a bad person, just that your behaviors in this case were deceitful. You came here asking for input and advice and I am surprised you would turn around and judge those who gave their opinion just because you did not like the opinion. Unlike what you have said about me, I am not saying you are wrong in your thinking, just saying that I would not be surprised if your girlfriend was unwilling to continue after learning this information.

 

I am glad to hear, from what you suggest, that you made good on the benefits you received while you were working under an assumed identity.

[t0rnintwo]

Battya,

 

Sorry about that. I did not mean to be judgemental. You were right about your post. I'll just tell the truth and see what happens. I never did receive benefits (or maybe i misconscrued that last statement). I worked with her, at the time i was working under an assumed name, we never went out during that period. It was 2 years after then (late last year) we met again. I wanted to be up front about my past, but i really hadn't known her long enough to entrust her in saying those things. It's a bit of a chicken and egg situation, really. I'll just tell the truth and hope for the best outcome. Cheers for the advice. I do appreciate criticism as well, in honesty i seemed to have taken that a bit wrong. Cheers.

[Batya33]

Thank you for your post. Obviously the choices you made had advantages and disadvantages. She may want to know how you could profess to love her and be serious about her but not trust her with this information. Not saying whether that would be a valid concern but I would prepare if I were you to respond to it. Also, I don't know about asking her to keep this from her parents - that truly is her decision.

[t0rnintwo]

Battya,

True talk. But the original dilemma was that you don't fall in love with someone straightaway, and it takes some time from when you first really know someone to be able to confide details like that to them. It's her prerogative whether to tell her parents or not and ultimately everybody (in this case she) has a free will to do what they presume is right. I just feel slightly guilty passing the 'buck' so to speak because if she eventually told her parents, it won't be an easy thing for her to do. Her parents love me and they say they've never seen their daughter so happy, so on the other hand it would be some sort of betrayal if they knew the whole truth, but ce la vie isn't it? Whatever people have don't in the past doesn't necessarilly condemn them to evil person status, but it sure damn does live with them. Anyway, i'll keep my fingers crossed and do it on the weekend. Thanks for your input. Really appreciate it.

[Batya33]

Good luck in all. Let's agree to disagree on when details about marital status, etc. should be shared with someone you are intending to date/are dating - all that matters is that she has compatible values with you.

[t0rnintwo]

I agree to disagree. Sometimes i think information overload at the beginning is detrimental to any relationship, it could put a lot of pressure on expectations for start, i wouldn't be wrong to say most people start going out and see how it goes. Otherwise, i do agree that compatible values are what matters though.

[Batya33]

To me marital status and identity are not information overload - they are basic facts - but that's just my opinion. I have wasted a lot of time, cumulatively, e-mailing and having phone conversations with men who had lied about their marital status, age and/or educational status. Because of my good detective work I was lucky only to have one date with one of them (he had lied about every basic fact including his name but fortunately had lied to a friend as well) and not meet any of the rest. I know what it feels like to be duped like that and I didn't like it, even for that short amount of time. Luckily the vast majority of people I come in contact with are honest about the basics so it hasn't affected my attitude in general. Google however is a very handy search engine . .. .

 

So yes I agree there is no need to tell all and spill your guts early on - where we disagree is that to me it is essential to share basic facts with someone you want to seriously date - in your case you say you love her - and it is essential not to lie or mislead someone about those basic facts.

 

Again, that's just me and I wish you the best in your upcoming conversation with your girlfriend.