anna_may33

Bite the bullet and tell her!!! Think about it, if it is causing you this worry and stress now, how will you feel if you keep the secret? If she feels about you the way you say then it is likely she will learn to accept it. She will appreciate you telling her the truth now rather than finding out later. Obviously, if you choose to tell her, she will be very shocked and you will need to give her time to get to grips with it. But, this is in you past, reassure her of that. As for her parents, I think you owe it to her to decide what's best. At least give her the choice rather than just dumping her. If it was something like cheating, I could somewhat understand you not telling her if you were 100% positive it wasn't going to happen again and that you knew it wasn't going to be found out because it would do no good only hurt her. But this with the identity, your past could come up and bite you. Paper trails, family, friends. Can you avoid all of this? I've learned my lesson. I covered up a lot of my past and lied to my husband because I was ashamed of it. He is a clever man and I'm a bad liar with a guilty conscience. He worked all of it out and could see through my lies. I had to tell him. He was more upset that I felt he would not accept me than by my lying. Your identity is not who you are with her. The only thing is the marriage. Handle that carefully. I would say that will be the biggest shock. Good luck whatever you decide.

It's funny to hear it put so simply! And you're completely right! I just hope that I can maintain/join in a converation with them (feelings that I give out a depressed vibe stops me). I don't think that either of them would really hurt me deliberately. I suppose it's just my feelings of inferiority that are the problem. Thanks for your reply jimthzz

i can identify with your feelings mysterious girl. Its so easy to give advice, not so easy to take it. I had a boyfriend for five years who treated me badly and it was only when we broke up that I realised how bad that treatment was. Even though I'm now married, I still think of him. I thought about him more in the relationships I had after him and before I got married. In fact, I thought about him every day and it affected the way I acted in those relationships. On the negative side, it made me paranoid and afraid to trust. I think this is only natural mysterious girl. You were hurt and its something that has to heal. On the positive side, it taught me warning signs and to be more assertive, to be more aware of my needs and my right to respect in a relationship. As time went by, I thought about him less and less. When a relationship is over, its like a death. Your hopes and dreams with that person die and its like a mourning process. You need time to grieve and it takes time before you are truly ready for another relationship. The relationships I had straight after we broke up were a disaster because I hadn't given myself a chance to breathe. I hardly think about my ex at all now. Though my hurt has gone, I am still affected. I am jealous and insecure when other women are around my husband. But, my husband has been nothing but honest with me as it seems is Darren with you. I take great comfort in that. He tells me things that do awake the green eyed monster but at least I know what is going on in his head. It is not his problem I feel insecure, its mine and I feel terrible that he suffers because of my insecurity. Has Darrren ever done anything to make you doubt him? Every relationship is a risk. There is always a chance you get hurt but its a chance we have to take if we want to be with someone. I think the fact that you and Darren have chosen to spend so long together at Christmas speaks volumes. That time together will either strengthen your relationship or give you a chance to consider if it will work. My husband and I were literally half the world away in the year prior to our marriage and I have to say it was one of the most difficult times I have gone through with pure frustration and misunderstanding. Just make sure you communicate properly. It sounds like he is making a real effort to be open with you and I understand how you would be wary. You know the warning signs and while you should keep them in mind, don't let your relationship with your ex effect your future. If you put it firmly in the past he can't hurt you again. Good luck and Happy Christmas!

I wouldn't have considered myself as a jealous person. I was in a five year relationship with a man who was extremely jealous and possessive and I suppose I always took this as a benchmark. When I met my husband I was at the most comfortable and confident stage of my life emotionally. I was travelling and being away from familiarity and meeting new people, I was in my element. I had been single for quite a while and was very happy that way. That was a year and a half ago. We got married four months ago. My husband can be jealous at times but we have gone to counselling. His behaviour has improved but I'm worried that this is due in part to the re-emergence of old insecurities. I suppose when I was single, there was less chance of being hurt really badly by someone I loved. I would flirt though and enjoyed it, nothing serious, just fun and a lot of my confidence came from men responding positively to the flirting. I would never have flirted with men I knew were involved with people I knew. I would have flirted subtly when my husband was around but the kind of flirting everyone does. Because I knew therewas nothing meant by it, wasn’t and wouldn’t be any intent behind it I was upset that my husband would get annoyed. He would be quite an insecure person but I never gave him any reason to doubt me. Since then however, my personality seems to have changed. I have become lost in the relationship because he can be very demanding. I don’t talk to men or others like I used to. I feel depressed and that my bubbly outgoing personality has been flattened. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could have a flirt. I don’t have any energy and I feel boring. I can’t concentrate on conversations and feel teary. I feel that I have no personality. I am not the woman that my husband fell in love with, who made him laugh and entertained him. And there is the problem. To me, everybody else, women mainly seem to have great personalities. I find myself getting jealous of my husband speaking to my friends and I feel left out in groups. The jealousy has caused me to take it out on my husband which is making matters even worse. I have a particular paranoia about a colleague of mine who I was close to once. She has flirted with my previous boyfriends and is very sexy and fun and kind and generous; the list goes on. Because of the smoking ban in pubs, my husband and her end up spending quite some time together outside . They both smoke, I don’t. I resent being left inside though I am never on my own. I know if it were the other way around, that I was outside with my husbands friend, he would be extremely annoyed if we spent the same amount of time together as they do. The flip side of the jealous and demanding nature of my husband is that he is very attentive, loving and passionate. But I know every other woman sees this and especially now more than ever, I feel that I could lose him. I don’t really believe anything is going on with my colleague but I feel very threatened and I know I could drive him away because of my insecurities. I want to get back to being me but I don’t know how.