Help, advice...

[kytila]

I don't even know where to start, a part of me does not even believe I'm writing this, but my arm aches like a and I need some advice...

 

I have issues, but then again who doesn't?

 

I have had a difficult childhood, I was sexually abused by a loved one, and then physically abused by my parents. During this period I became anorexic, I think I was trying to look as unfeminine as possible, I don't know, but I just couldn't eat, ever... Throughout these problems I had a best friend, she was my only friend as I was getting talked about in high school as the one with 'issues', we spent all our time together, either she sleeping over at mine or me at hers, we even went to college together and were roomates. I did not have a boyfriend as I had huge issues with sex, she also had family problems so we were everything to each other, friends, family, confidant everything.

 

Then she died in a car crash.

 

I guess that was the first time I ever hurt myself, this was four years ago, and I could not handle her dying, I was numb for a few weeks, like a walking zombie, I never thought I was the type to self harm, but I guess it happened by accident, I was cooking, my hand fell accross the hot stove and I kinda just left it there. That was the first time I cried for her, though a part of me knows that I was really crying for myself, yes I missed her terribly, but for the most part I was just soo pissed off, I felt like she had abandoned me... I did not know who I was without her.

 

I moved countries on impulse and was partying every night getting drunk, being stupid and sleeping around, though I hated sex and did not even enjoy it, I did it for the company.

 

I was my own worst enemy... Then I met a guy, he looked at me and it was as if he saw through me, he kinda did... Thought I was vulnerable and self destructive, we saw each other a lot and he inspired me to start again, I registered to finish university, I started eating like a normal person... It lasted about a year, he broke my heart, and I stopped going to university, stopped eating and basically fell back into old patterns, I will wake up in the morning with burn marks on my arm and not even remember burning myself, I can safely say I was almost always blacked out in 2005.

My 'thing' with this guy went on and off for years (even up until yesterday), we never officially dated again, but anytime I was really low I would seek him out, he never made me feel like I had problems, he told me when I was being ridiculous and he actually made me want to better myself... This lasted until he got bored of having sex with me, I'll find myself alone again and fall back into old patterns.

 

When he went away for work I saw it as the perfect opportunity to get back on track, I figured that when he returned eight months later, he will see how much I had grown and changed and want to be with me properly... I worked, stayed out of any negativitive influences and was focused on the goal of his return, sometimes I slipped... But compared to the past I was almost normal. Then I met another guy, he fell in love with me, as I was... I did not believe him and spent months pushing him away, but he stuck and I was happy... For the first time. My ex came back into the country and I did not even care because I was happy...

 

But then he started treating me really badly, I felt helpless and began to cut as they were easier to hide than burn marks... He finally dumped me, said he was not ready for such a serious relationship, two days later I found out I was pregnant, I thought I wanted an abortion but was not really given the opportunity as a week later I had a miscarraige, something to do with stress...

 

Once again I felt alone, abandoned and betrayed, I ran to my ex who was there for me for all of two weeks, before ignoring me again, I even hooked up with him a week after the miscarriage, it hurt so bad the next day, I knew I shouldn't have, but I guess I was that desperate... He gives me mixed signals, pretends to care about me, hangs out with me so I won't sit at home crying or cutting and then leaves me alone again... Which makes everything worse, the give and take.

 

I know he's bad for me, but he is the only one that makes me forget eevrything, he treats me like I'm normal and doesn't tolerate any self pity from me... But then he leaves and I sit there and feel totally completely damaged.

 

To top it all off during all the medical check ups after the miscarriage, I found out I had a blood disease, nothing I caught, but something I was born with that does not really become evident until adulthood. She basically said that if I'm not really careful, take blah blah medicines and stuff like that, if I don't take perfect care of myself and my health, any day now I might get sick and die... Perfect.

I call my ex, he comes and sleeps next to me for a week, I feel safe then he walks away again.

 

Everything I wrote in the last four paragraphs happened in the last three months... I have been doing really badly, I am barely sleeping, I'm throwing up everything I eat and I'm cutting again, worse than ever before.

 

I feel like I have absolutely no control of my life.

 

In the past three months I have done everything possible, I am a total wreck and I've managed to lose about twenty pounds.

 

I need someone who has been through this to tell me what to do...

 

I feel completely helpless, I have no relationship with my parents, I have no one here to talk to, no one to even distract me, I don't have money for therapy, and there's a wait list on the NHS... I feel completely and utterly alone, like if I died no one will notice, or rather care... To think that I am posting on a forum...

 

 

Anyone from London who wants to be buddies or something, that will be great too.

 

 

xxx

[TheUniverseTheory]

According to my theory, you, this ex-boyfriend of yours, your parents, and other key people in your life agreed to play very specific roles for eachother in this lifetime.

 

Please humour me for a moment and imagine this possibility: your selection of this life is a sign of how advanced you are as a soul. Your only problem is that you have forgotten that your body is the temple of your soul. Thankfully, you do not carry the entirety of your energy (that is your soul) here on earth as, physically, a human body cannot "contain" it. When you are feeling so helpless, think that the energy you normally have to help you along may be busy assisting others - as we are all healers.

 

You are likely destroyed inside right now, feeling that these horrible things have happened to you because you either let them happen, have made terrible decisions, do not trust yourself, or others - or that you somehow deserve it. All of these reasons are absurd. Get that through your head. There are two truths in life: Love and Fear. Everything else stems from there. Jealousy, hatred, anger, and self-loathing come from fear, whereas joy, peace, serenity, harmony and contentment come from love. Love, as a form of energy is free to flow and can convert other energy to this higher vibration - that's why random acts of kindness are contageous. Sorry if I sound like some weird religious cult whacko, I apologize if I do, I just honestly have a profound respect for people that are so disconnected from love and only need a different theory to sometimes plant the seed that helps them move forward and shine the way I know they are meant to.

 

Your choice to live this life should be an inspiration to others, it should make them see you as someone that, against all odds, actually became stronger and became willing and able to help others! If you wanted to become a pilot - would you want to learn to fly from someone who's never flown? I don't think so.

 

You do not need to know what led me to believe in my theory of choice, all I know is that in order snap out of "it", you need to fly at 30 thousand feet and see who you really are, who you really want to be, and never look back. Every minute that goes by is another chance to turn it all around.

 

If you have food, adequate shelter, and are relatively safe from external harm (throw away your razor blades, and knives, I beg you) and feel love for yourself, you will soon feel love for others properly, and the right people will appear in your life and learn their lessons as well as you evolve and become stronger.

 

Your best friend likely had an agreement with you before you came here - that she was to leave before what you and others thought was her time - but the lessons you will learn from her passing, both you and her friends and family, were lessons you chose ahead of time - perhaps when push comes to shove, some folks need to learn the hard way - hence a car crash rather than an illness that makes you "almost" lose her.

 

She is likely watching over you constantly. Who knows, she may even be guiding me right now in telling you all of this.

 

Today is a first day of a new year. Resolve to love yourself and tell everybody around you that you care for them, but need to care for yourself first. Anybody who has agreed to help you grow as a person, to advance your soul, will be in your life only for as long as they need to be to contribute to that growth - that was the deal. I hope this may help you,

 

Love,

J.

[Axel3sRoxas]

I'm from near London, so feel free to PM me, I'm always around to talk, and often thats what can get someone through the most hardest times in their life.

Ive been through the whole cutting and not eating thing, and I know its so terrible. Times when you're so numb you can't even cry, thats when you turn to self harm. When you find yourself thinking about your ex, try to turn the thoughts to something else; read, write, paint, listen to music, do anything but think destructive thoughts. I really feel for you, but I'm afraid the little advice I have to give won't be a lifesaver. You'll get through this, every cloud has a silver lining, m'dear.

[Moon Goddess]

You have to take care of yourself if you have that blood disease that i your main priority now. Think about how your friend would feel if she sees you like this, she really cared about you and she wouldn't like to see you like this. I know you ex makes you feel better for the moment but then later on he justs makes u worse and it's not worth the pain. I know it's very hard to not cut but you have to try not to, you have to try to be strong. I can see that you are a strong person becuase you have been through so much and you are still here, it shows that you are strong. So keep up that fight against the bad things your dealing with right now. You can survive on your own(without your ex) and you have to get through this if not for yourself then for the memory of your friend.

 

I hope this helped I tried.

[kytila]

TheUniverseTheory, It's weird cos your reply kinda made me cry... I agree with you soo much, and though I'm not extremely religious, I believe in god and I know I love I need to myself first, before I can expect anything...

But I guess that's the problem, I don't love myself anymore.

 

Moon Goddess, I don't think I'm strong, I think what it was... Was hope. All this time, as a teenager I was looking forward to leaving home, as we grew older we were looking forward to boys, friends, stuff... So in a way, I could handle it because I went to bed every night put in some music and dream that I was a rockstar in a far away place... I used to day dream all day, about another life, normal family, friends etc... And I could ignore lots of things, just cos I was convinced it was not my life...

 

But now I can't anymore. The night of the miscarriage I just felt completely empty, which sucks cos I'm not sure I even wanted to have a baby... But I just seem to have lost it, I have absolutely nothing to look forward to, nothing/no one one to wake up in the morning for, and no one that even notices my absense. And though this is normal for me, what's bad about now is that I can now see that it always was and it will always be like this... I've stopped dreaming.

 

And it's weird cos though I can make a list of every thing bad that's ever happened in my life, I can't even say why exactly I'm so upset, it's like anything and everything makes me cry.

 

Thanks so much for your responses, I'll pm you Axel

 

xx

[Moon Goddess]

You are strong even if you don't realise it you are, cuz you have gone through so much and still you go one. You can still dream no one has taken that away. I know it's hard to deal with a miscarrige even if you weren't sure you wanted it still it was a part of you and you lost it. It's hard to deal with it. Remember that your friend cared about you, she wanted you to be happy to be well, she loved you very much and she wanted you to love yourself as well. You are not alone, here you can find people who care, here there are lots of people who can help. Like it says in my signature Feel free to PM me. I'm in school right now so I might be a little slow replying but I do care and I love to help people. So feel free to PM me anytime. ^_^

[luvingxsomeonexspecial]

you have got to stop cutting yourself because in the end it could go a lot further than that. but apart from that, i think you need to move on, stop going back to that guy who to be honest, sounds like a jerk and find someone who will treat you as well as you deserve to be treated. guys like that aren't worth it. i know it feels like you are alone, butim sure there's a lot of people who want to help. there's loads of people on this forum and you could try talking to councillors

oh and im from really near london if u want to be friends. just email me if u ever want to talk. my home address is email removed if you want to email that or just the email on here. xx